There have been some really healing and beautiful shifts happening in my life, in my heart lately. I've noticed my chest expanding wider when I am on my lake walks. I notice I am laughing more heartily. I am kissing my husband deeper. My cheeks ache a bit from smiling longer. I notice I am resisting less and embracing more of what is in front of me. Truly its the little guy in all the photos above that is my teacher.
You know, there have been a lot of projects and retreats and offers coming to me lately that I've had to say no to. Not because I don't feel passionate about them or not feel I have a bit of peace & love to offer but because my purpose right now feels really clear. That purpose is to be fully present for Cedar and learn how it is we can support him, love him, nurture him and help him find his footing.
The move to the yellow house rocked his world. It brought a lot to the surface for him and for us as a family and we had to surrender to so so much. I've had to be very protective of this time and space for us and set boundaries that are not easy for someone like me to set. I'm a LOVER of people and life and I want to let everyone in and embrace the whole of what comes my way but I haven't had the reserves. I've had to be really selective, cautious and careful and that can be so hard. This protectiveness has led me to the folks in my life that truly see me and love me and our family and trust our choices. It has led me to folks that have less expectations of us.
There is a writing project that I feel deeply connected to that I've been asked to participate in. But I haven't had the time or energy because of all that is going on with Cedar and his therapy. I wrote to the woman spearheading the project. A woman who is becoming a dear soul in my life. I apologized to her for dropping the ball on the deadline and explained to her why, even though I knew she was aware. This is what she responded to me...
"There is something really grounded and strong about your words at the moment. I have an image of you as a mountain lion taking care of her cub with a fierce beauty." I read her words while at a coffee shop and I felt myself swallow hard and the tears just flowed. I wrote telling her that when reading those words, I was THAT girl at the coffee shop in tears. Although I didn't really pay attention to what or who was around me in that shop but how GOOD that VISION she offered to me felt. Mmmmm. Mmmm. Good.
Right now in my life, I need to feel safe in my relationships. I need gentleness. I need understanding and forgiveness. I need wide open spaces. I need alone time to rejuvenate. I need to not commit to much else but my family. I need tenderness. I need compassion. I need to allow people and things into my heart that feel what one of my dearest soul sister's calls "LIFE GIVING". And I am grateful, so very grateful that I am being offered so much of what I need by those I love, trust and am drawing near to me and are circling us during this time. I think that just happens when you are really clear about what you need.
Oh geez, here I am again...THAT girl in the coffee shop in tears but I am smiling and the salty tears just drifted into my mouth and onto my tongue and it is the most delicious and healing elixir for me these days.
Here are a few photos of Cedar (below) at his occupational therapy. This was last week when he decided that he did not want to climb up this rope without the support of his furry stuffed companions on his back. And that warmed my heart to the core. That he is learning and cultivating a deep knowing of what he needs to move through this life.
He knew he couldn't do it alone and you know what? Neither can I.