dream

blossoming in our gables*

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Taken and processed with Cameramatic app.

The sun is beginning to break through our gray skies. Sometimes even for a whole day and the blossoms crave it wildly. They stretch their pedals wider and faster than I have ever seen. Growing up a California girl (living in both Northern and Southern), the Sun was always out to play but here in the Pacific Northwest, its so precious and flora grows at a speed that is so foreign to me. One day there will be a fully green bush, the next day it will be covered in blossoms. Its awe inspiring to witness.

Flowers are making their way into my home by way of sweet children these days. The neighborhood girls had a flower stand the other day with fresh cut branches and flowers around their home placed in vases to sell on a table in front of their house. It was the sweetest sight and two of them came to my door with a bouquet that Boho Boy had bought for me. Cedar has learned his daddy's romantic ways. Most every time he goes outside to play he runs inside "Mommy, this is for you..." with a handful of cherry blossoms scrunched in his palm or dandelions and sometimes rocks, leaves and rose pedals. When he goes down to our bay, he fills his pockets with shells and sea glass and feathers. We have a woven tray to keep his treasures (photo above) and I've been inspired to create beauty in our home from them.

My boys and I are blossoming in this home and for quite some time I've not allowed myself to believe that these yellow gables and lush land could be ours. My twenties and thirties were full of so much uprooting that I didn't even consciously realize how used to being unattached to people and things I became. I knew I'd be leaving soon or at least I felt so much a gypsy that if leaving wasn't in the plans I knew it would be. I giggle as I write this because it makes me think of the film Chocolat. I resonate with Vianne in many ways. I think this is why online connections felt safer for me. For many reasons but one important one being I could stay connected regardless where I lived. I have lived here in Bellingham for almost two years and I am just now it seems allowing myself to sink in some roots. We just recently made a decision that we would love to purchase this home and because both my husband and I are gypsies, it took us almost losing it to come to that decision. We didn't consciously realize we were not fully rooting until the possibility to root ourselves was swept under are feet.

I was standing out front of our house in the middle of the street last night with some neighbors who are becoming quite close friends of ours. We were out there, huddled close with our children getting soaked by the rain (unexpectedly) and my heart felt so full. I hadn't realized I was keeping my friend at arms length. She lives next door and is a dream and yet I was afraid to get too close. She's been very patient with my heart.

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beautiful charity and us following our children on a forest path up the street

Now that we are staying, I feel all of this release...in so many ways, this openness and yearning to give of myself (and receive) to that which surrounds me, both in and around my home and with those souls that dwell here. None of this even felt conscious until we decided to root ourselves in this home. Its almost as if a veil has lifted.

With our landlord living next door, I haven't felt the freedom to make this land my own and have not done much to it yet. But now that we will purchase this home, we are so inspired with ideas. I haven't gardened much (aside from planting lavender in the ground last year at the blue house). Up until now I have only planted in pots. I have so much to learn! But our dream is to plant a veggie garden, herb garden and arbors with ivy and flowers growing up and around it. I am not one to be attracted to manicured pieces of land. I love the wild and overgrown yet a lot of tender care. Our landlord said for years she has wanted to impart her wisdom onto someone and I told her I am her gal.

If any of you are familiar with this climate and have wisdom to offer about gardening, I am all ears (and heart).

Mmmmm...h(OM)e sweet h(OMe). Is this really happening?

lavender farm*

red barn lavender farm

When I was in my late twenties, I lived in downtown Pleasanton (Northern California).  It was an old house turned into 4 apartments.  I lived in the one at the top and directly across from me was my best friend from younghood.  She was newly married and looking for a place to live and as soon as that spot opened up, I was on it.  It was our dream.  We had always joked about living near one another the rest of our lives, literally next door...so we were able to live that dream for a good year or so.  Often as we were bustling about getting ready, we would open the door and say good morning, have a little chat, close the door, begin our days.  I remember clearly one time she had wanted to show me the first published copy of Real Simple magazine.  I had just got one too and was thrilled about this new magazine.  There we sat on the bench seat between our apartments, flipping through our copies.  What drew us in the most was the cover page.  It was a lavender farm somewhere back East.  The four or so page spread was about a couple who were deeply entrenched into the corporate world, wealthy and living a gorgeous life in the city.  But they began to feel a bit empty and decided together to take a leap, leave the corporate life, as well as their finely coiffed home and buy a farm in the country.  Their little green cottage sat in the middle of massive amounts of lavender.  In their workshop, they made lavender-everything to sell in their darling little store.  People would come from miles away to walk the fields and pick their own bunches. Amy, my friend, and I sat and dreamed about what that would be like.  The image of their cottage surrounded by lavender made such an impression on me.  I think of it so often and have since been attracted to lavender and dreamed of planting loads of it near my home.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I heard from our local friend Forest that he met the owner of a similar lavender farm about 20 minutes from here.  For months I've wanted to go and for some reason it never worked out but finally, FINALLY was able to go when my sister was here last week.

When we pulled up, it was utterly dreamy. The couple that owns the farm were walking down their lavender draped hill with a wheel barrow full of multi colored purple bundles they had just picked and tied. They waved to us with their garden gloved hands and pointed where we should park. Each of them greeted us with gentle smiles. We got a bit of a tour and the history. The gentleman went on to share that there were many species of lavender plants and the light pink ones were the most fragrant and the ones most used for essential oils in products. I had no idea there was such a thing as light pink lavender! It ended up being my most favorite.

So we were handed scissors and ties and sent off to walk the fields and cut our own bunches. Cedar was so enchanted. Especially at the bees and how gentle they were. I caught him crouched down observing their dance on the flowers. At one point he went off by himself to a patch of dirt and when I approached and sat near him, I noticed he planted a lavender stem into the ground. "I'm planting more, mama".

The energy in those fields was so tranquil and lingered with us. The drive home was lavender scent soaked and my sister hung our bunches on a string above the kitchen table. Now over a week later, I have placed the dried lavender in our old vintage bottles and mason jars scattered throughout the house.

Boho Boy and I are now dreaming up our own hill of lavender behind our house. I had a wee bit of practice at the blue cottage. If any of you have tips on growing lavender, I am all ears.

Notice the light pink beauties on my shelf?

Susannah Conway: this i know*

{her beautiful book, all photos in this post are by susannah}

7-ish years ago, I remember laying with Susannah, side by side, my limbs curled up to her limbs, dreaming about how her journey through grief and healing needed to be put out into the world. I knew from her first brave blog post that her stories would be beautifully bound for many to hold in their hands and press gently against their hearts. Yes, a book that all who knew and loved her were certain she needed to write. And she did. And its here. And its launched! And my happiness for her is permeating from me.

Susannah has done a fun and exciting blog book tour (before she goes on her in the flesh book tour) and this space of mine is one of her stops. We decided to do a Skype interview to share a bit about her book with all of you but rather what ended up happening is us dancing down memory lane. We decided to go with the flow of our conversation and keep it down to earth, real...because that is truly the energy and vibe throughout her whole book.

In this clip, we talk about how we first met and how that was the catalyst to her beginning her own blog and how the healing process of writing and sharing her self inspired the beautiful journey she is living.

{here is the post Susannah refers to when she reached out to me the first time}

My heart feels full. As I said during our Skype session, it has been such an honor to witness her unraveling from the very raw beginning of days until the present. To witness her channel her grief, healing, self discovery and creative awakening into inspiring others to find their own way has been one of the most sacred gifts in my life. I feel a bit like a proud sister and with a lump in my throat and such deep love in my heart for her, I encourage each of you to pour through her pages. What I love most about this journey for Susannah is she never pretends to have arrived. Through her teachings and inspirations, she is constantly right beside all of us, learning and growing as she continues to unravel just like me and you.

You may order the book through Susannah’s website by clicking here. There are links on the page to Amazon (US, UK and Canada), Barnes & Noble and Chapters. Her book is also available at your local bookstore. Other places you can connect to Susannah is on her website, her ground-breaking e-courses, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest & Instagram.

one wish*

I remember this moment (above) when I crouched down behind these wild flowers and watched my boys inhale and exhale, gaze in silence and honor the stillness that lay before them. I remember thinking that this sometimes is what prayer and giving thanks to us has become.

what my boys were seeing.

I read this quote today that really moved me deep...

“The primary purpose of prayer is not to make requests. The primary purpose is to praise, to sing, to chant. Because the essence of prayer is a song, and man cannot live without a song." ~ Abraham Joshua Heschel

Many people I know (me included) can at times be uncomfortable with prayer or meditation. Sometimes we just don't know where to start, especially if long periods of time have passed. Sometimes we imagine it needs to be about wanting or needing something and that can often lead to guilt. But what seems to lend such freedom to it all is that prayer doesn't have to be about a long list of needs or wants and meditation doesn't need to only be about emptying our mind. I believe so strongly that it can simply be a form of release and connection. A song. A chant. A humming. A silence. A gaze. To the One your faith, your spirit and your own unique heart song wants to connect with. And ah yes, we as living beings do need song. Whether it comes from the root of our belly and out our mouths or if we are listening and connecting to it through another source. Mmmmm...and to open up our minds to see and feel this as prayer. It all just makes so much sense to me.  It seems less complicated, more simple and a beautiful and safe place to start.

Requests and wishes are also human nature. Today I came across this image I took a few weeks ago and had an idea to use it as a sacred opening here in my space for those who need to make a wish. Close your eyes, what comes to mind? It can be grand or simple. Selfloving or selfless. I have always felt it was so important to put a voice to our wishes and dreams. If prayer and meditation is mostly about song, then these sweet dandelions can be about wishes. Because we need those too. ; )

My wish for today: That the darling family we connected with end up moving into our home when we move next door. Its in the works and we are all hoping it comes together with the landlord & property management company. I am learning what it is to have community with neighbors. Its one of the reasons we moved here and it is changing my life in very unexpected ways.

What is your wish?

follow your dreams, my love.

When we moved here, Boho Boy arrived first. I was staying with my family for a few days while he drove the big moving truck to Washington. So, he was the first to arrive in our seaside neighborhood, which up until that point, we had never seen. We rented our house via a realtor, the internet and my dear local friend peeking into the windows snapping photos for us. So when Cedar and I arrived in town a few days after Boho Boy, it was SO delightful to drive down our lane for the first time together. He drove really slow, so that we could soak in each of the darling homes tucked into trees on our new street. Before he got to our new home, he stopped at this sweet charming yellow house with purple shutters and white trim and gables at the top. The old crooked white picket fence and its arbor were draped in flowers of all kinds. At that moment, my heart swelled because I had always dreamed of a house that looked like the one in Anne of Green Gables. The essence of this one reminded me of it so. We approached our house and all of my energy, love and attention went into our new abode, although the other home stayed tucked in my heart. Each time we walked by I would say hello to it, allow my eyes to linger on its beauty. When we walk up the stairs to our bedrooms, the window at the middle of the stairs shows a view of the side of the yellow house. Cedar and I always say "hello yellow house!" or "goodnight yellow house!" Down deep in my subconscious, I was considering it a bit of a manifestation. I was so very happy here in our old blue home. Living and loving in the present moment inside of these four walls. But there was something, something drawing me to this other home. I literally felt my heart moving towards the home when I was near.

Well, it just so happens in a few months, we will be moving into the sweet yellow house. It all unfolded a bit magically. As much as I am so in love with the home we are in now, we need an extra room downstairs for guests that are unable to climb up and down stairs. It is important to us that our family and friends visiting are comfortable...especially the elderly ones. So that was our main motivation but truly, its a dream come true. I suppose I am sharing this because I believe so deep that when we visualize what it is we are wanting, it will be realized. It may not come the way we first imagine or in the timing we hope but our dreams are there for a reason. Just like my dream to be a mama was SO different than I imagined or thought I wanted it to be but man, Cedar and how he came into our lives was perfect for us.

One of the first steps is speaking them out loud, yes? I would love to hear some of your dreams. Allow this safe cushy loving space to hold them for you.

on manifesting and introvert~ness*

me wearing goddess tee by the lovely and intoxicating terri fischer and bliss pants by intertwine designs

About 6 years ago, Boho Boy and I were one of our many vacations on Vancouver Island, in Victoria, BC. We were driving around some beautiful ocean side neighborhoods, excitedly dreaming, wishing, hoping that this could be possible for us one day. We were newly married and had a lot to figure out when it came to how we would get there but in that moment, all we wanted to do was dream. There was this house near the water, tucked away in trees. A tiny silver boat was tied to their own private dock at the side/back. We imagined they would take quick trips to downtown Victoria for the farmers market or what have you. As we drove even slower pass the house, we noticed there was a woman and a young girl crouched down by a bush near the front fence. The woman had a bowl tucked into her arm and one by one, her and the young girl were plucking blackberries and dropping them into the bowl.  Boho Boy and I looked at one another with big sighs. "I want that someday when we have a family" we both said in our own words. Often, when that dream felt so far off, we would talk about that moment and the possibility of that dream for us to keep us going.  Eventually, well, the last few years before moving here to be exact, we stopped talking about it because in all honesty, it ached too much.

Just a few days ago while on a walk I realized something. We live in a home in the Pacific Northwest, tucked away in the trees, a block away from a bay where we canoe and kayak... and every morning, we take Cedar to the side of the house to pick raspberries for breakfast. "Honey!" I said..."It really happened for us. We are living that dream." Of course there were a few jokes tossed around because Boho Boy cannot whisper a word without humor interlaced.  Like its raspberries instead of blackberries and Washington instead of British Columbia...but it is so close, non?  It gives us chills.  The power of speaking our dreams out loud.  The power of manifesting.  The power of vision boards.  The power of prayer.  The power of meditation.  All of it.  Just gives me chills.  And I am living proof that the dream may not turn out exactly how we envisioned (I am not talking raspberries here, but adoption rather than conception) but if we stay close to our desires.  If we whisper them or shout them or write them down or release them...if we BELIEVE them...we find ourselves one day looking around and realizing we are in it.

About a month ago, I found myself needing to pull back from the Internet a bit more.  I had shared on my blog and with my loved ones before moving here that I wanted to be on the Internet less so that I could be more present to what surrounded me and our new home.  For the first few weeks that was simple to do.  We were settling in and exploring new territory, meeting our neighbors, etc.  But I found myself opening up my laptop again to reach out and connect.  The last 10 years of my life was full of beautiful relationships and events and projects and documented journeys online and it was an integral part of my growth and journey.   The more I connected online while here, the more I noticed I wasn't feeling open to connect with my  neighbors or meet up with a dear friend.  I also am aware that Cedar seeing me on my laptop these days causes him stress (little smarty), which causes me stress and then we both get grumpy.  When online, I was connected to this extraordinary, earthy, deep and richly layered group of women and because they are all SO rad, it was so hard for me to not want to swim in their unique and powerful energies all day long.  But my intuition was telling me to pull in and go outside and meditate and pray and rediscover what my energy is.  I am attracted to and attract such powerful soulful women in my life and it can be so easy to be inspired and influence by their gifts.  This is my most favorite thing about the Internet.  How it connects us to like-minded spirits.  But I am in this space where I am needing to reconnect with my voice, my heart, my core values, my spirituality...because I am feeling less grounded and more swept up.  I am also in a space of knowing that I need to relearn how to connect with others in the flesh.  I had grown so comfortable with email and phone and random visits here and there but when my neighbor the other day came over to say hello, I found myself totally awkward with being caught off guard.  With email, we can sit down when the house is quiet or we are taking breaks.  Same with phone calls.  But what about when life is messy or loud or busy or I am tired or not showered with a greasy head of dreads and my friend pops over?  I don't want to hide or shy away from those real life moments.  I desire to feel at ease with the day to day in-person relationships that most people have but I haven't had for years.

Me quieting the Internet noise has opened up a lot of clarity for me about how I am in this world and I have a lot to learn but one thing that has really shifted all of this for me is coming to the realization that I am an Introvert.  When I decided to pull back from the Internet (which meant deactivating my FB account, barely on email and blogging a bit less), I reached out to a few friends to let them know where I would be.  One of them is my dear sister-friend Susannah.  She is in the throws of the finishing touches of her book (editing phase...yay!!), so of course, I also wanted to check in with her about that journey before I drifted off into fae-land.  She passionately shared with me that she most recently had a realization and took the Myers Briggs test online to confirm that she was indeed an Introvert (she shares about being an Introvert in this video blog).  This awareness helped her realize so much about herself in a positive, affirming light.  She shared it with me because she said she thought of me and wondered if I may be an Introvert as well.  She sent me this article: 10 Myths about Introverts and for the past 3 weeks, I have been marinating in the idea that so much of how I groove in this world makes more sense as an Introvert.  I noticed this article is making its way around the Internet and I find it so fitting that many of us bloggers are part of this community of Introverts (type in the words introvert and blog into google and you'll find a ton!).  I am soaking in and loving that what I sense from others is an empowering vibe surrounding this whole idea.

For so long I have attributed so much of my need to be alone in order to rejuvenate or my overwhelm in groups or crowds (online or in person) or my sensitivity to noise or my way of being quiet unless I had something meaningful to say and so so much more (read article linked above) to me being an Empath.  And I know much of that gift of empathy ties into my story but I also am relieved to know there are more layers to it.  I am relieved to know that I am okay and  it is not about being overly shy or insecure or  a recluse or anti-social.  That my need to pull in is about self care, self-love, self preservation and nurturing, so that I can be more centered (and more present for those that are close in my life).

I know this post has been a bit all over the place.  I suppose I had a lot to share...but I also know I will be exploring this quite a bit more in this space, the more I swim around in these waters of awareness.  Sus suggested I get this book.  Perhaps some of you, after reading this, are no longer feeling alone now too.

reconnecting with a happier me*

I am sitting on our big cushy white bed upstairs while Cedar takes a nap beside me. My mother in law is coming tomorrow. I have so much to do to prepare for her stay. I get into that zone before company comes. I want it all to be nourishing and healing and home for them. I tend to stress myself out with preparation. I tend to not answer phone calls or emails the few days leading up to it. I get so focused! And then when company finally arrives, I relax into them and all the things I worried or stressed about don't seem to really matter as much as BEing with the person. I know this about myself. Yet I do it every. single. time.

Last month my days were full of settling in. Full of exploration. Of connecting with nature. Of breathing again. Using my body more since it was feeling so much better. It was full of my boys and me connecting on a level that we were unable to for a long while. We moved slower and more mindfully and remembered what it was like to LIVE in the moment.

The next few months will be full of company coming and going. Of sunshine beginning to pour in and around these parts that is GOLDEN and cherished and barely a one person stays inside.

Because of all of this, I know I have not been and may not be here on my blog much. I am really trying to look at that. So just a few minutes ago, when Boho Boy came into the bedroom to check on me and Cedar, he must have noticed I needed something because he got on his knees and laid against the bed for a little whisper chat. I confessed to him that I was feeling hesitant to share my life here, on my blog. We explored it a bit.  It helped me come here and begin to write.

What surfaced for me is that I feel really sensitive about sharing my life when I am in a truly content space. I have been on the other side of this content space so often when at times, seeing other people's happiness turned the mirror on me and what I was so longing for in my life. A dear friend of mine wrote a post a bit ago about those emotions we go through when reading another person's blog that is always about how awesome their life is and how that can really trigger the hard stuff inside of us. I immediately sent her an email and asked if my blog right now was one of the blogs that caused her to turn away.  My blog has somewhat been full of happy lately, right?  I joked with her that I am sure it is ANNOYING and that drama is coming because I am NOT used to long periods of non-suffering, so it is bound to happen soon. She giggled and reassured me it wasn't my blog she was referring to but still...I found my knee jerk concern curious. So I AM self conscious about my happiness and how it affects others. For so long I have been in a space of longing. Whether it was longing for a baby or longing for a healthier body or longing to move outside of my third floor condo/loft and provide a life closer to nature for our son. Now that I am IN my dream and living it and truly IN it...I do find myself, because I am a compassionate person, not wanting to cause discomfort to those that come here. This is all a subconscious thing that I am just now becoming aware of and forgive me for not sounding articulate about it because I am working it out, stream of conscious, on this page. Just keeping it real...as always. ; )

I feel very cared for in this space. I feel like somehow, over the years, it has become a healing circle not only for me but for those that come here. With that said, I feel so certain that those who come here never enjoyed seeing me suffer.  I know that many of you are indeed happy for me and celebrate that we have finally moved into a more healing space for our family. Yet I am still so tender about it. So many beautiful things have transpired over the past few months that I have hesitated to share here as a way to protect some of you from being triggered. I know its not my responsibility. I know its your stuff. I have my stuff, you have your stuff and we are all responsible for our own stuff. I get that. But darn-it, I am a sensitive gal...and I care about people's feelings.

I realize this is my blog. I realize I truly write it for me and for my son someday to witness his life. But the reality is, many people come here daily and I am aware of that fact and am unable to ignore that energy.

I am not writing this with a wise, sage answer at the end. I am still working through it. To be honest, I am not used to being this happy.   I mean, yes...there have been some rough moments here and there but because I am feeling a deeper peace and a clearer mind, I notice it tends to work itself out or perhaps matter less when I am laying in my own field of buttercups.  Perhaps it is ME that needs to become comfortable with happiness and learn how to express a happier me here in this space.

My sister texted me yesterday telling me "I love you. Do you know that?" and I responded to her..."I feel your love every single day. Do you feel mine? I am harvesting nettles in my back yard right now for tea and tinctures and soup. I kindof love my life." My family knows how we have suffered. My family now celebrates in our happiness.  I didn't feel guilt when I pressed send on that text to my sis.  I just think I now need to trust that within my blog family too.

h*OM*e

the moment we drove into bellingham

I am overwhelmed with emotion. I think I need a few more days to marinate in what surrounds me. To let it sink in...fully permeate my being that I am home. That THIS is our home. My friend Jessamyn and Leigh wrote to me spelling it out hOMe or h*OM*e...with emphasis on the Om and that is exactly what it feels like. They know my heart.

Boho Boy had been here for about three days already while I stayed with my precious family. He would call us about 10 times a day to share sweet little details about the old home we're renting (built in the early 1900's) and the yard surrounding it. He would send us videos and text photos and stories about our eccentric, hippy, arty neighbors that came out to greet him, play him a tune with their guitar on their porch and spill the scoop about the community that our home rests in.

It was wonderful to hear all these details but at the same time it was a big practice for me in letting go of control. I am a Virgo and I do love to nest. It was a good exercise for me to be present with what was in front of me at the farm with my older sister or at the bottom of the Sierra Foothills with my parents. I was so worn from the move and Cedar was in serious need of something that felt familiar and homey. It would have been too much on his sensitive heart if we went from empty home to another empty home full of boxes. It was all perfect and that is what I reveled in. Being with family gave me the strength I needed to step forward as a girl in motion.

This past Saturday was when Cedar and I flew to Seattle.  The long line at the airport in Northern California was unexpected, so him and I were running to our flight, hand in hand.  Once we finally landed and were walking towards baggage claim, Cedar spotted his daddy 30 feet away.  He yelled "daddy!" and dropped his froggie backpack and ran to him with his stuffed animal in hand.  Boho Boy scooped him up and all of this brought him and I to tears.  It was one of those moments we will forever cherish.  Soon after we discovered the bag with all of my clothes somehow didn't make my flight.  I think because I already felt completely ungrounded, the thought that the bag I was living out of was missing, brought on a meltdown.  Not at all what I expected to feel when arriving on this day.  We sorted out the bag situation and it ended up getting on the next flight and would be shipped to us in a few days.  Then as we got on the freeway to head towards Bellingham, we were giddy and chatting away and 1.5 hours into our conversation we discovered we were going South instead of North!  It was then that I realized there must have been a reason why all of this was happening.  We now had a long drive of 3 more hours going back the way we came from with an extremely exhausted wee traveler in the car seat.  It was a message for us to slow down, to let go, to reconnect before we walk into our new space...because the whole thing with the bag brought me into  space of not being able to connect.  It was all perfect, really.  It gave us a chance to stop for food.  To find a gorgeous park on the way for Cedar to run and explore.  To get some delicious coffee and to pull into our town holding hands,  connected to one another and feeling in love.  Those three hours ended up being just what we needed.

Boho Boy had suggested the other day on the phone that he drop me off and take Cedar to the Toy Garden in Fairhaven.  He wanted me to connect with the home alone, without distraction, like he was able to days prior.  I didn't even know this was what I may have needed until he mentioned it.  Since he had been there already for three days and with all the stories he was telling me, there was a sense of almost feeling like this was more his home than mine.  It was so tender hearted for him to think about this.

When he pulled up to our little nook of a street by a bay, my heart swelled.  It was quainter, quieter and more of a community than I imagined.  Every home was precious and then he slowly drove passed ours and I said..."Oh, what a cute house...wait...ummm...is this ours?" All I knew were photos and videos and now that we were right there in the flesh, it all just seemed more charming.  My heart was racing and as I waved goodbye when they drove off and turned towards the home, I felt such a sense of peace.  A peace I haven't felt in so long.  The noise, the chatter, the anxiety, the everything hushed and it was just me and my footsteps and my breath and my pulse and my heartbeat on those wooden floors.  When I opened the door, it smelled of an antique shop.  Mmmm...old homes.  I walked slowly from room to room, up and down the stairs and finally outside and when I walked through the enchanting yard to the end of a large Cedar tree, it was then that I wept.  All I felt was gratefulness.  I continued to shake my head.  It was so much of all that I wanted for my family.  It felt unreal and real all at once.

more soon.

h*OM*e.

{dear sponsors...you get a free month since i have been unexpectedly absent due to lack of internet connection}

trust*

me and cedar at the airport

Boho Boy sent us this photo from the road of the moving truck and our car attached.  Everything we own right there. He has a bunch of tunes he made for the road, as well as stories from NPR keeping him company. Its difficult to be apart during this time but I know he needs this solitude as he makes his way into our new life as an independent business owner. He will no doubt  sing out loud with dreams of kayaking on the bay near our new home, working in his workshop with wood and nurturing new inspiring relationships. He's so ready and my heart is full for this shift in his life. But we miss him so right now.

Cedar handled the last few days as well as he could with a mostly empty house and big pieces of furniture and boxes being moved out of our home one by one. I was wondering when he would express his emotions in a big way over it all and that happened a few minutes before leaving for the airport. He woke from his nap, came out to the living room, saw that it was completely empty and plopped his whole body on the ground, laid down and cried "mama, no mama, no mama!" So, I held him close and that was the moment I chose to breathe and gently look around to honor all that has transpired in this home.

And now we venture forward, never again stepping foot into those four walls and instead walking into a home we have only seen through photos. It feels like a brave leap wrapped up in TRUST. Mmmmmm.  Medicine for our souls.

messages*

cedar, two years & 3 months...{taken with Cross Processed iPhone app with an Instagram filter Hefe}

A wonderful woman that reads my blog wrote me an email last week telling me she had a dream about me in labor (hello dear francie!).  In this dream, I was sitting on a chair and she was there, with some other women, supporting me through the contractions as they came and went.  Then she wrote about it in a metaphorical sense.  About believing I was giving birth to something amazing in my life.  My sister Darlene that same week also had a dream about me giving birth while she was with me, although she took it a bit more literal, and when chatting about it on Skype, had a totally wishful/hopeful grin about the idea of us having another baby.  I joked with her that I know SHE wants more babies in our family but honestly, we are so totally okay with just the three of us.  As Cedar came bouncing up to the laptop screen saying hello, we giggled and collectively agreed that Cedar is enough.  ; )

As much as it can still be such a bummer that I may never experience what it is like to carry a child in my womb or bring a child into this world through my own birth, I am not in that space any longer of needing/desiring it.  Although of course when I hear other people share their stories about pregnancy or birth or breastfeeding, I do get that ache down deep in my gut and depending on the headspace I am in, the heartache can linger or it can drift away in a few minutes.  Its natural and its part of grief.  It never fully goes away but it hurts much less as the years go on.  This will be my constant practice, to find my medicine, my lessons in these aches as I am attracted to and tend to attract earthy goddess women that revel in their birth/pregnancy experiences.  These stories will always be part of my circle.  There was a time when I protected myself from women like this and now I seem to be embracing these goddesses and facing it all like a gentle warrior.  At times I will feel misplaced in a circle, until I am reminded that our birth story and its many layers teaches them too and then that sense of belonging returns.

I AM in love with the idea that I am receiving messages that I am about to birth something extraordinary in my life and even more in love with the idea of it having to do with us living somewhere new by Summer.  We are ready for new.  So ready.

...and I am in love with Cedar's new hat.

moon water*

Last night, I left this in the kitchen for my husband to see when getting ready for work this morning. A bit of the water was gone when I woke up. My belly felt warm inside knowing he had taken a drink before leaving and that Cedar too has taken a few sips.

This Full Moon...She has been healing.  I have felt very connected to Her this month.  Since the decision has been made to postpone my e-course until space opens up in my life to give of myself in that way, I have felt a lightness of being.  This is when I know the  decision was a right one.  Since, I have felt more present with Cedar (read: doing less dishes, laundry and emailing less, more sitting on the floor and listening, playing, communicating, observing).  I have noticed a shift in him as well.  We so pick up on one another's energy but I think it is more than that.  I think he feels more connected to me now that I am more available to connect with.

I heard something from a friend today that is the embodiment of what is transforming already for me:  When I surrender to motherhood fully and am present to these little ones, it seems like more doors open, more time appears, more creativity flows.  My energy level rises.  When I struggle with it, which is necessary to do and it part of our work, I am blocked and unhappy and tired.

I didn't realize how much the stress of taking on something that is so huge and important to me was filling up massive amounts of space in my days.  As the stress is lifting, space is opening. I feel it deep and wow, am amazed that I am walking around with a bit more energy and dare I say, inspiration! Cedar even went down for a second nap today. That is UNHEARD of around here.

It is a dear dream of mine to share my story, to gather women, to nourish, to connect and to feel and see the purpose of my journey.  There are more dreams.  I have SO many dreams.  I am a dreamer.  And for five years, I shared in this space another dream.  That dream was to be a mother.  That is one dream I AM living.  So with this one dream of mine to be the mother that Cedar needs, there may be other dreams that will still be in my heart but will patiently wait until I have the time and space to nurture them.  It could be in 6 months or 1 year or even 2 years but they will be given wings to fly.

Last night I brought my bowl of water up to the veranda.  I held it near my heart.  I gazed up at the bright and lusciously full Moon for a long while.  I took deep breaths.  I allowed myself to feel the pull of energy, the vibration and the light.  I looked down at my bowl of water and saw the reflection of the moon dancing in the soft waves.  It was then I noticed I was swaying.  I asked our Moon to bless this water with healing and calm and knowing as my family steps into this new journey:  Cleansing and preparing for an environment that is simpler, quieter and more trusting.

As the Full Moon shows Her brightness, I myself am feeling full inside. Grateful for being honest with myself.  Grateful that my husband was honest with me about his concerns.  Grateful that I have received an abundance of support and gentleness from family and friends.  Grateful for my dreams and how patient they are with me.  Grateful for remembering that I am living one of my most precious dreams.  Grateful it has been revealed to me that it is okay to slow down, to marinate and discover the creativity and coolness of being exactly where I am at today.

I am sipping this Moon Water all day in reflection and feeling these truths sink into my bones.

mate on the veranda.

yerba mate on the veranda
august break #4, canon 50d

Here I am this morning, drinking my yerba mate on our veranda with Elvis the kitty and Birgit the Mother in-Law.

Last night I had a dream that I rented my house out to my nieces and nephews. We all lived together and then I became a Zookeeper and took care of animals and then I was a teacher at a University and when I was walking out of the University, I saw a tsunami coming from the mountains down to us. I think that is when I woke up.

More mate please.

Tell me what you dreamed if you remember...

from a whisper to a shout.

cedar & me

I took this photo today. Boho Boy and I were laughing at Cedar's supermodel lip pout. I just had to share it. I think I need to wear brighter colors. My sister liked this green on me...and when I wore a bright turquoise shirt once she said I looked 10 years younger. I have always gravitated towards muted colors. Earthy. Every once in awhile I'll put on a shirt like I did in this photo and I do notice it brightens up my world a bit. Just something I was thinking about today.

While at Java Mama Cafe today, a song came on and Cedar stood up with the truck he was playing with in the play area and did three twirls. The parents looking out at the play area from the bar looked at me and laughed. It was awesome. And then three parents came up to me and said "your daughter is so cute."

Boys twirl too. ; )

So we are toying, flirting, playfully talking about the idea of living life on the road for a year before we move to Bellingham. Getting an RV and tricking it out Boho Style. Giving Cedar the whole country for his playground. We're doing some research. Chatting with a few friends/bloggers that are currently living life on the road. Each of us have a practical side. I'm a Virgo. He's a Cancer. Well...that says it all. But we also have a gypsy side and truly wonder if this is the only time we can really do something like this. Drive from yummy place to yummy place, visiting family and friends, setting up camp and exploring as we both work our online jobs (I swear my ecourse is going to come to fruition...I swear).

More on the idea of us having wheels for a home soon...if it blossoms from a whisper to a shout.

bellingham.

cute street
downtown fairhaven, bellingham

We were driving on the freeway along a plethora of tall majestic trees. Rain was lightly pattering on the windshield. Cedar was in the back seat squealing because he was eating an apple. Apples make him happy. I mean REALLY happy because its small and round and red and something he can grasp with both chubby hands and it makes sounds when he bites down. Its a beautiful thing for a mom and dad to see their child so gleeful about fruit.

Then we saw the freeway sign. The mileage from here to Vancouver and Bellingham. The idea that we are that close to Canada, my husband's country, felt surreal. We have been waiting for this trip for months. A visit to a place we had never been but had already began to feel like home: Bellingham, Washington.

Months ago, I wrote a Facebook note about what a dream home meant to me. I spoke of oceans, forests, cool weather, my own vegetable garden and fruit trees, clothes on the line that were homemade by me, like minded souls surrounding us, lots of windows with a large porch and a swing, affordable housing, outdoor education, restaurants that cater to our diets. A sweet spirit wrote me a private message. "I live in such a place. You should come visit. Its Bellingham, Washington." I had heard of this place long ago when my friend Letha wanted her and I to go to college there. She knew it was an artsy town surrounded by lush green. It just wasn't the right time for me to go.

So, my husband and I did a lot of research and we kept shaking our heads at how perfect it sounded for us. We are deeply in love with British Columbia and had playfully dreamed of moving to Victoria but what held us back was that it would be stressful for my family to travel there by plane and ferry boat. Everything was perfect except for that...and that was a big thing. So the idea that Bellingham was so so close to both Vancouver and Victoria had such a pull on our hearts. We were quiet about it with the family because we couldn't explain why we felt such a pull when we had never even been to this place. It wouldn't make sense...and it needed to make sense to us too. So we tried to be more practical (which isn't typical for our gypsy souls) and just considered this a "vacation"...a chance to visit B.C. and a cool city.

As we drove into Bellingham, we immediately ended up in downtown Fairhaven. This is where our hotel was. It also happened to be just a few blocks away from my dear friend's house. None of this was planned. It just all fell into place. Fairhaven was where she had said a while ago would be perfect for us. But I had forgotten that.

I took a photo of it with my phone and immediately sent it to my family. My niece Angela wrote back "It is so storybook!" and she is so right. This is how I describe it to people now. Its so darling, so storybook...a bit surreal and too good to be true but it is...true.

Here are some images of downtown fairhaven:

toy garden

downtown fairhaven

village bookstore

downtown fairhaven2

fairhaven village

downtown fairhaven3

My husband and I have this long list of what we would love our dream town to have and it just seemed the whole time we were there, we were mentally checking off that list. Ocean - check, Forest - check, Charming homes we can afford - check, Good education - check, Clean city - check, Awesome organic produce - check, Gluten free foods available in stores and restaurants - check, Earthy crunchy vibe with a balance of urban coolness - check, Close to Canada - check...check...check. Even down to the wee detail of cafes that serve rice milk (because Boho Boy can't have dairy and soy makes him feel crappy too). Even yerba mate lattes? Are you serious?

the woods cafe
the woods coffee house...best coffee and gluten free english muffins! ~ boulevard park, bellingham

Then we saw this young woman, walking near the co-op with her guitar, singing her heart out...oh how my heart swelled with a knowing:

free to be.

I was immediately sold. Although I know part of that is just my gypsy heart that has been yearning for a move for years now. Living where we are now has been the longest I have ever stayed in one place. I love to experience new places and cultures and am not at all afraid of change. I crave it. So, at this point, I could be like..."cute city? lets move!" and not pay attention to all the other things on our list. But now that we have a child and that this move would mean Boho Boy would be quitting his day job and earning income solely from his database business, we have to be logical and practical and clear. I could tell he loved Bellingham but it wasn't until the fourth day that he looked at me and said..."okay, i love it...lets move here!" with a huge smile and sparkly eyes. He said this after we had spent some time at the local Food Co-op, trailing up and down the aisles and squealing at all the delish foods. We then noticed the store had a little room off to the side with a rocking chair and stacks of toys and a shelf full of children's books with a mini table and chairs. It was a room for mother's to feed their babes and children to play. Cedar crawled into the space and started playing with the toys. These two children, about 9 and 10 years old sat down and started talking with us. Their language was so mature and articulate. They spoke of music and their studies and that they were home schooled. I imagined Cedar having friends like this. Growing up around kids that were in love with nature and chilled out and well spoken and kind. It seemed everyone we met that lived there had rosy cheeks and a kindness that was so very genuine. Many walked by with sincere smiles and one woman yelled across the street..."you're such a beautiful family!", which made us giggle. But really? Who does that? I was just enamored with the local folk.

a lot of flowers
downtown fairhaven

harvest moon cafe
harvest moon bakery, maple falls...close to bellingham in the mountains

harvest moon cafe
cedar & boho boy playing with a darling family of three boys and a mom from canada, visiting. we exchanged emails. they were awesome.

Then we finally were able to gather with my friend and her rad husband and three gorgeous girls. Being in their creative home and sitting down and eating and sharing stories and laughing at our children tumbling down to the floor hugging one another already felt like we lived there. That we weren't on vacation but just rather popping over for an evening to break bread with good friends. They helped us feel so at home. I had never seen my husband so engaged with another man. It almost made me cry. The thought that he would finally connect with like minded souls and have friends to hang with blew me away. He hasn't connected closely to anyone in a long while and I know he needs this, especially now. I too was giddy that I'd have a mama friend to play with during the day. To walk down to one another's houses and gather for hikes and exploration of sea creatures on the rocky beaches.

dinner at marybeth's
marybeth, william, mia, sula and echo...with cedar & boho boy

village bookstore2
village books, downtown fairhaven

It's just a dreamy place...and I'll probably tell more stories in posts to come.

On our last morning together, we reveled in what became a morning ritual. Our hotel room had a gorgeous window seat big enough for the three of us overlooking Bellingham Bay. We would take the comforter off of the bed and throw it on the window seat, along with the pillows and snuggle up there with a bottle and our teas and talk and dream about what life would be like there. This last morning we went over a list of all of the "why's" we should move here and it was a long beautiful list...

windowseat
our window seat in the room...at the chrysalis hotel & spa

What I loved most was that from day one until we left, Cedar had the most adorable rosy cheeks. He looked healthier. He seemed happier. He started standing and walking firmer. That was enough for me to feel deeply connected to this place.

bellingham trail
the trail near our hotel to downtown fairhaven

cedar scarf
cedar on our window seat, wearing a scarf knitted for him by auntie pammie