running or staying*

  cedar & salish running in an apple orchard

cedar & salish running in an apple orchard

I told my friend today that I didn't want to run any longer.  Run from this one thing that can cause uncomfortable gnashing and thrashing about within my soul.  There was a season for me to cocoon and be safe and accept that I need safe. In that safe dark warm and cozy cocoon, I found some roots that I never allowed to sink far enough into the ground that steadies me.  Oh my gypsy heart and how all of my life I was able to just uproot and flow with the wind and plant, then uproot, flow, plant.  But now, I want to stay in it.  Me and these new roots. I want to face that which causes fear and doubt and little girl insecurities that cling to me with such neediness and ache for affection when its not being given.  

Just like I kneel down and meet my son eye to eye when he needs some grounding, today I did that with the little girl within me.  "Lets stay here" I said out loud to myself while driving in my car today..."Lets not run, lets be still with this for awhile and let this stuff happen without fleeing.  We can still sway when we are rooted:  Like a tree...rooted and swaying.  There can be movement when we are still."   Tears streaming.

I'm just not used to roots rooting me.  It causes both peace and angst.  I'm surrendering to being tethered to this one big thing that needs me to feel the fear fully and long enough to let it pass and find its way back to center.  I can do this.