sinking deep into gratitude*

resting place

I have been quieter in this space than usual.  Three weeks ago, pneumonia swept into my lungs with a fierce force and I had no choice but to completely surrender to laying my body down.  That was not at all easy for me or my two boys as each of us in our hOMe occupy an energy that makes our rhythm flow with a completeness.  That rhythm allows the space between us to be filled up as we give each other what we can offer and feel cared for to the depths.  Both of my boys had to give more than they were used to and perhaps more than they thought they were capable of .  I had to release any guilt or shame or worry that I needed anything more than what was usual. For many days the only energy I had was to walk from the bedroom to the bathroom and back again.  For many days all I could muster to think about was whether or not I could breathe a full breath and then onto the next breath.  It was intense and it feels like an utter miracle to be slowly surfacing from the vortex of it all.  When I posted about what was happening on my Instagram, it was this response that breathed life and hope and purpose into this time of so much laying down, so much quiet, so much slumber, staring at walls and out windows...  

"Blessings and well wishes, sister.  As you are down, may you touch your depths, sink deep into your gratitude, and allow this deep layer of clearing to move through you with grace and ease. Your body is so brilliant and beautiful and knows what it is doing.  You are honored and held, woman."   ~ Lindsay

It was these words that helped me trust there was reason for this time.  That perhaps I needed to fully slow down and quiet my mind and listen intently to my body and my soul and to trust that its possible my boys can live without the all of me in our space and maybe I needed to witness that for some reason.  Maybe I needed to trust that I can leave for a time and all would be alright because up until now, I wasn't fully secure in that.

My husband floored me as he took on a very stressful few weeks working from home while navigating our son's meltdowns and extra neediness all while coming in and out of my room making sure I had what I needed and was comfortable.  Every time he would gently close the door of the bedroom after checking in on me, I would put my hand on my heart and look up and speak out loud my gratitude for this man in my life.  And each time I had to release any guilt I felt for being unable to give back as I usually do.  

Our village neighbors circled us, brought us soups, teas, homemade popsicles and checked in constant.  Nannies cared for my son for a handful of hours during each day so my husband could work. My parents and mother in law adorned my home with flowers from afar.  Friends on Instagram cloaked our family in prayers and positive thoughts and candles lit.  My sister and niece sent me love texts.  My tribe sent me voice memos to listen to so I wouldn't feel completely disconnected and lost.  I was given to at every moment and I had no choice but to revel in being given to without being able to give in return.  It was a very deep practice for me.

And Lindsay's words...were the root of my healing...because she spoke the heart of all of what this time offered me.  I touched my depths when I often do not have the time, energy nor the reserves to.  I sunk deep into my gratitude for things I took for granted; Just the littlest things (and also the big things like the enormous love I have for my husband and son).  And there was indeed a deep clearing of not only my body (I was unable to eat, so I was sort of forced into a juice cleanse) but also my soul as I am brought back yet again to embracing slow and simple and what brings me life.  And again Lindsay was right about my body.  It is brilliant and it does indeed know what it is doing as I literally felt it speak to me when I was doing too much and needed to lay down.  I listened and am still listening.  I am again reminded to listen to and honor my body in a deeper way than I have been allowing.

resting place

I know as my lungs heal, it will take time for me to feel fully myself again.  Before pneumonia swept in my head was full of all these expectations on myself (and perhaps others) and now, now it is full of gratitude for the simplest things: breathing, body movement, nourishing pure food, the nature that surrounds me, the deep love and laughter in our home.  Perhaps what some may consider mundane but what I am rediscovering I simply cannot live fully without.

Oh I am so grateful for the depths I've been taken to through all of this.  I am also grateful that food is tasting fabulous again because I love love love to eat. ; )