I've been very quiet in this space. I've been quiet in general, really. I've entered yet another space where there is so much ruminating inside of me but the words won't come. And I am not one to force anything in my life. Flow and simple are my guides these days . I don't feel as though I have lost my voice, although somedays it may seem that way to others. My voice is gaining much clarity, in my own heart but the urge to share it has quieted. Right now so much feels sacred, something to protect...just for now. Even the reasons why I feel the need to protect, I need to protect. Does that make sense?
I have had some very dear souls out there that read my blog reach out and ask if me and my family are okay. I am here to reassure that we are good, so good and life here in Bellingham is so very full. It took us three years to find our rhythm with new friends surrounding us in our neighborhood after 10 years living in a city where we felt very alone and didn't connect in the flesh with people organically. Its almost as if we had to relearn how to share our lives in the flesh and there was awkwardness and protectiveness and then finally an openness that lead us to being more present with that which was in front of us. I am grateful to my few neighbors that have become dear friends that were patient with my process of slowly sharing our home life on a daily basis. We live in a very quirky, unique village where everyone knows everyone and they all care so deep for each other. It feels very old fashioned and I am growing to be so in love with it.
We are finding a groove, the three of us. Cedar has been going to new occupational therapy (which includes horse therapy) for his sensory processing and we've been pouring ourselves into natural healing for him to feel good in his sensitive body. It requires a lot of intention and focus and being on at all times...which requires a lot of energy, for all of us. We have hired a nanny for a few hours a day so that I can have some time to myself to nurture my creative soul with writing and photography projects that are coming my way and I am so grateful for this. It has been so healing for my introverted self. I got very sick for a few months at the beginning of the year and it was such a massive awakening for all of us about the importance of balance and not depleting ourselves (all of us). My husband's database business for online homeschooling has blossomed and the last five years of working such long long hours is finally offering what it is he dreamed of. He's at a place where he can let go of clients that feel depleting and focus on that which drives him creatively and provides well for our family. It didn't at all come simply to him and that took its toll but he is finding a balance too. And Cedar, our dear Cedar has shared with us that he is wanting and ready to go to school. We found a beautiful Montessori school up on a hill overlooking the sea with teachers that are surrounding him with compassion and understanding as he surfaces from a cocoon he needed (and we) needed. We have no expectations for his school journey. We will take one day at a time and are very open to continuing homeschooling him if we need to but something deep in our gut is leading us in this direction after much research on what type of environment works for our little guy. As much as we gently guide him, so many times we follow his lead as he is just so wise about his own readiness when it comes to transitions and newness.
So, I am here in spirit but mostly in the flesh these days. Although my heart is filling up with new and fun ideas I have for my blog when it feels right to put it out there in the future. Part of me feels vulnerable about taking a bit of a blog break to be honest. The part of me that needs to feel loved is afraid everyone will fade away, and that I will be forgotten...and they will leave this space for good. Then there is part of me that is learning to be okay with that and to settle into the knowing that I am loved regardless and that even when I return and my voice touches but one person, that is confirmation that I am where I am meant to be. It is a gentle (and at times fierce) reminder of my intention with having a blog.
I've shared very openly on my blog the conflict I feel about an online presence and social media and how it can feel so overwhelming to my sensitive spirit. The other day we were waiting to board our flight at the airport coming from a week away at my sister's beloved farm. I was gazing at the plethora of people sunk into the seats in front of me. Rows and rows of people waiting. Families and couples and people alone. Most of them staring at the phone in their hands. Some were laughing, some were shaking their head, some had a look of concern or wonder at their screens. Each of them in their own bubble and not connecting with the person sitting next to them. I felt shivers down my whole body because it gave me a visual as to what it is that frightens me about being online. There are so many layers to this for me and after three years I still don't have it completely figured out. I gain so much from my online connections and sharing, just as I do from my relationships with people I get to be with in the flesh on a regular basis. There is conflict and contradiction within me about it all. We all have our own experiences in regards to social media and having an online presence. All of our stories so beautifully unique. This is a very personal thing that I do not project onto others. I realize my story is my own and I have no judgements. How could I? I stumble with it very messily and have been deeply humbled over and over. Its such a dance, isn't it?
So me needing a bit of a blog break is part of the messiness. I will continue to share snapshots of our every day on Instagram until the words come and begin to flow again in this space. I am grateful for those out there that hold our family close and honor my quiet, always.