I've wanted to come here so many times the last few weeks to spill the well of emotions I've been experiencing. Yet, on those free moments when Cedar is sleeping or his daddy is taking care of him, I seem to only have energy for the simple things...like eating, showering, cleaning, etc.
This has left me feeling a bit disconnected, a bit inarticulate or able to express it all and that is difficult because writing has always been such a creative balm for me.
I have so much inside of me that comes to the surface when I am rocking my son to sleep, helping him get some relief from his reflux pain. Those quiet hours with my babe draws me into the truth of all that is stirring within. One would say lately I've had too much time to think but I welcome it, really. I know when it is time to take a break from the overwhelm, so I trust myself to keep that balance.
The last few days have been emotional for me. Pondering so many areas of my life. A sweet friend of mine just recently went through an adoption and her experience brought back that sacred time last November during Cedar's birth. Especially the relationship with our birthmother and the mysteriousness behind her selfless act of love and how the idea of feeling grateful just doesn't seem enough. This is a post in and of itself that I'd like to explore soon.
Then it is my friendships...and how they are all shifting lately. It is a beautiful thing. I feel so supported and understood, even though I am unable to give as much as I want to right now. They've all been on this journey with me and wanted it for us as badly as we did and the forgiveness I am receiving for not being fully present in all of my friendships is humbling. Again...another blog post topic all together.
Then there is the whole self image mind game party in my head. Now that I am surfacing from the stress and depression of infertility and adoption, I've realized how different my body looks and how I really feel this extra 25 (or 30?) pounds on me and how I am so ready to return back to taking better care of myself. I long to feel more comfy in my skin (and in my clothes) and to tap back into that curvy sexy girl that once felt confident enough to walk around in her undies.
So much, right? I know I will someday soon be able to grasp those moments and meditate and digest and explore and write about the tumbling of all these things in my life...but right now, I just can't seem to go there.
Then I gaze into the eyes of my sweet son and he brings it all back to the moment and it quiets my mind and reminds me to slow down and embrace the beauty of what is. Right now. Here. In his eyes. He helps me to chill out and let go and be more gentle and forgiving of myself. Being fully present with him while we work together as a team to heal his body puts it all into perspective for me...truly.
How can anyone NOT feel centered when looking into his eyes? ; )