singing to baby*

baby sick = mommy sings
total distraction from his ickies.

song: Anyone Else but You by the Moldy Peaches
(from Juno soundtrack)

In this video, I was completely goofing around for Cedar but still, the fact that I am posting this is brave and HUGE and let me tell you why.

When I was young, I absolutely loved to sing. My sister Darlene performed often in church and had a stellar voice. She hung around tons of musicians and she was often strumming her guitar. My sister Pamela has a gorgeous voice as well. She would sing melodies with her friends tucked away in her room and when she let loose, she was on fire. I was surrounded by music and singing as a young girl. I loved my voice too. It was soft and breathy and warm.

Then something traumatizing happened. When I was about 7 years old, I was singing with two other young girls that I admired as far as their vocal range and they both stopped mid song and one of them looked at me and told me they thought I was tone deaf. The other one agreed. I felt my throat close up in an instant and my heart broke into a million pieces. Since that moment, my throat tightened every time someone asked me to sing alone. Whether it was on stage or in my home with friends, family or a lover...I just wouldn't let them fully hear me.

I didn't want to give up throughout my youth. I sang in church. I took choir in High School. I got up in front of hundreds and sang with two other classmates for our HS graduation. When I went to Bethany college, I joined a singing troupe. But those choices were safe. I was always with someone else or a large group of people. No one would find out that I was tone deaf, really. Apparently I was good at faking it. The thing is, I still loved to sing, even if I thought I did it out of tone.

Then the director of our singing group at Bethany pulled me aside and asked if I knew how to read music. I said no. He then said, "for someone that doesn't know how to read music, you sure have an ear for it and you have quite a range." I remember laughing and not believing him. His words did not penetrate my insecurity one tiny bit. I still to this day wonder why those two girl's opinions had far more power than the Director of Music at the college I attended.

Every time I am asked to sing when alone, I freeze up. Even with my husband. With my friends. Only a few very trusted people know this about me in my life. Me sharing and writing this down feels very healing for me. In fact, that is what my blog has been for me. One huge vessel of letting it all out and healing healing healing from the process.

This fear of singing alone has all changed for me since having Cedar. I want so badly to be that example to him of how it is to be fearless with what you feel passionate about. I want to sing to my son, so that I can teach him to sing to me with reckless abandon, if that is what he wants to do. He's changed everything.

So, even though, like I said, I wasn't at all being serious this morning while singing to him, it is still HUGE that I am sharing this. It is a step in the direction of being more brave with my voice. Funny how even though I was singing to my son, I felt my throat close, wondering if he too was going to think I was tone deaf. But this time, I still kept singing and having fun with it. One step at a time.

You husband doesn't even know that I sing Opera at home when he is at work. ; )