deb, canon 50d
The last few posts on my blog has caused an interesting stir. Mostly so very empowering for me and others to talk about dreams we don't want to let slip by us. That when we are rocking in that chair with our grey hair and beautiful wrinkles, we will be smiling more as we reflect on all we've experienced rather than filled with regret that we didn't try that one (or two or ten) wild and hopeful ride(s) of whimsy.
I felt a bit misunderstood at times and that's okay. I realize that while I am in this new space in my life as a mother and an artist and a wife, friend, daughter, sister...that in between trying to balance all of it, I am going to struggle with expressing myself articulately. For example, in sharing my new journey of dreadlocks to be, I wasn't sharing to ask permission but simply to share my thoughts of why I desire them and the fears I have too. I also wasn't saying that I curl my hair because that is what I feel people expect of me. If I do anything, it is because it is something I myself love. I love my curls but I also know I no longer have time for them. I must get a new do that expresses my style but also lends to fullness and fun. Dreads! Weee!
I realize I never should feel I have to defend myself, as long as I know who I am and so do those closest to me. I am sure it is obvious to my readers that my reactions are a result of feeling a bit vulnerable right now. I fully and wholeheartedly admit that. Its not a vulnerable space filled with a lot of pain as it used to be going through fertility. Its more just a vulnerable space of traveling through a brand spankin' new journey of being fully responsible for a very dependent wee human that I love with every morsel of my being. This on top of other huge life happenings like my book and a project that I am pouring much of my heart into. These types of delving in will cause tender emotions to surface. Sometimes wee little meltdowns where I wonder if it is just all too overwhelming at this time in my life. But whenever I think of not doing these important, life shifting projects, something doesn't feel right. I feel as though I am answering a call. A call that has to do with my life purpose and as it is bubbling inside of me with inspiration, I must keep walking. All the while learn how to be a kind, soft, loving, present mother to one of the most amazing little boys in the Universe.
What I am constantly coming back to with all of this is that I just need to be gentle on myself. I don't have ample moments that I once had to work and so I am learning to set aside special times (cedar's nap & bed time and my one Sunday per week at a coffee shop). I am learning that if inspiration comes to me and I am feeding my son, that I just need to say it out loud, so I will remember to jot it down later. Its a whole new way of being a creative person. I don't at all have it figured out and I can imagine I never will quite arrive at figuring it out, so I am okay with the messy parts.
I am a bit worn from it, in a good way because it is all for the sake of love soaked goodness but of course it is going to cause vulnerability to be present.
Thank you to all of you for your support on my dreadlock journey. Thanks to those of you that shared different opinions, gently. Thanks to all of you for being patient as I learn my way around this thing called motherhood. I always appreciate having a space to spill where like minds circle and celebrate change, including the vulnerable bits.