I've done some pretty cheesy things on my blog in years past and today I am doing something perhaps the cheesiest. But you know...it is who I am and with this cheesiness comes bravery and stepping outside of my comfort zone and healing past wounds and not really putting energy into whether I look cool or not.
In fact, this brings me back to a post I wrote, I am guessing about three or so years ago, when I shared that I was dancing in my loft to a Rosie Thomas song and I felt empowered and free and beautiful in my skin. It had been months since I felt that way having been poked and prodded for fertility stuff and feeling disconnected from my feminine body. So, in order to show a visual of what I experienced, I took a series of photos of me dancing and put them together and posted it. As cheesy as it may have seemed to others, it was a turning point for me and not only was it that but it introduced me to one of my dearest friends for life in England. It was this post that inspired her to contact me and since, her and I have been close friends, each on our own little journeys reconnecting ourselves with our feminine spirits post grief.
Some of you that have been reading for a while know that when I was young and singing with a few friends (trying to sing in harmony), I was told by one of them I was tone deaf. I loved singing. Singing brought me so much joy. I never put too much thought into how good I was and I never entertained illusions of being a rock star but those four teeny tiny words "you are tone deaf" altered the way I'd feel about my voice for years and into the present. I still pursued music in school. I was in choir in high school. I led worship in church a few times. I sang at my high school graduation and bacheloriate. In college I was in a touring singing group for a semester. But even though music was a big part of my life, it always came with so many fears, anxieties and insecurities. I didn't want to leave it fully but it was oh so hard to be in it as I was dealing with the voice of that one girl..."you are tone deaf" every time I opened my mouth to sing a tune.
To this day, I have a very hard time singing around people (unless I am on stage...which is odd). My husband has only recently fully heard my voice because I sing to Cedar but I notice when he walks into the room when I am singing, my throat does that infamous close- up deal as a result of the still small meanie voice in my head..."don't forget...you are tone deaf."
Yesterday I received such a warm warm email from a blog reader. She referred to my current head space as a "season of blueness" and that really rang true in my heart. Perhaps because she attached a bit of romance to my blues, which I dig...because I am such a silly romantic.
I am in a season of blueness and so much of it has to do with how I am feeling physically. I am being gentle and patient with the process as my Naturopath and I take care of my body and learn what the roots are. There are a few other elements adding to my blueness, some layers that I am looking at and I may explore more here on my blog.
Recognizing my blueness has also made me aware of what truly does bring me joy in my life. It is those things I want to draw into my world so that I can be a more present wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. One of my joys is singing.
Yesterday, I did some dancing, today I did some singing. I wanted to record it...to document the movement in moods for me. I didn't know how else to do it but to record one of the favorite parts of my house...our windows lined with old vintage bottles we inherited from Boho Boy's late father.
What I find interesting is that towards the middle to end of the video, my legs start bouncing more and I begin to giggle and relax...even when I pause and totally forget the lyrics or how to sing them. I notice I am gentle with myself and that still small meanie voice in my head. In fact, I think I tossed that meanie voice out the window and embraced my cheesy self and way of singing.
So dear lovely blog world, I am sharing this moment with you. A brave, silly and meaningful moment. I don't care if I sound dreadful in parts and okay in other parts and I don't at all care that I sound far from perfect. What I care about is that I am caring less and living more and tapping into what brings me joy in my life.
The whole video is kind of cheesy...but also kind of sweet, I think. ; )
{lyrics "i don't know" by lisa hannigan}
the yummy apron i am wearing was custom designed for me by the rockin' talented liz.