questions for boho girl {answers #2}

goofy carsty
taken with my  palm pre phone

Boho Boy has always felt awkward in front of the camera. He loathes smiling for the lens. He feels it is totally unnatural...unless it is natural, if you know what I mean. So most images I have of him are a serious face. This one in the car was classic and it made me laugh out loud and I wanted to share it with the world (thanks honey!). He was being his typical goofy self. I think through photos, people get this impression of him that he is serious all of the time but truly, he is always laughing and cracking jokes and smiling. I told him so many times he could be a stand up comedian and everyone that truly knows him would agree but alas...he is a sexy librarian and a database designer (I think that answered the question Gina asked about what he does for a living...*wink*).

Within the first hour of meeting him, he made me laugh so hard I wanted to pee my pants.  Laughter is SO the way to my heart.  I can be serious and intense enough down deep and my release has always been to giggle nervously or to laugh with abandon.  Two things that Boho Boy discovered soon after our first hello and ever since, has been having the time of his life with.

The other day we were teaming up to change one of Cedar's explosive poops.  Cedar loves to kick his legs and wave his arms and try to get off the changing table while we're doing this.  Hence, the team effort it needs.  To distract him, we always hand him something to play with and we try to be creative and new.  This particular time, it was an iPad touch (looks just like an iPod).  Although, while holding it, he also dipped his hands in his poop and then proceeded to smear the juicy poo onto the iPad screen.  My gut reaction was mortification.  I have a bit of a gag reflex when it comes to the smell and sight of poo.  This is why Boho Boy thought I might never be able to change a poopie diaper...but I have been doing SO good.  I've only gagged a few times.  But Boho Boy's reaction to the smeared poo on his beloved iPad was...calm, cool and "hey...look, it's an iPood!"  I think I laughed so hard I cried.  Then Cedar laughed too.  Oh, did I tell you Cedar has an awesome sense of humor?  Its almost scary sometimes how sharp he can be at 20 months.  He has tried to make us laugh for a long time now. He totally gets it from his daddy...oh, and I guess me sometimes. 

I love them so.

Okay, onto answers to some of your questions about my boys:

Leah asked:  Coming out of lurkerhood to wonder about the process you went through to choose an adoption consultant.
My answer:  Our situation was pretty unique in that the adoption consultant came to me.  She had been reading my blog for a long while and when I mentioned we were peeking our heads into the realm of possibly finding our child through adoption, she immediately reached out to me via email.  We ended up having a phone call and talking for hours and becoming friends.  At first she was just there as a resource, to answer any questions I had and then when we were ready to pursue getting matched with a birth mom, she was right there with a list of birth mom stats.  So, because of this, we never went the agency route and have no idea what that process is like.  I can imagine doing it through an agency is quite different.  Tammy is the adoption consultant's name and she does it all very organically and privately and is basically a liaison between the adoptive parents and birth mom.  Doing it this way felt very natural for us.  Going about it the way we did isn't for everyone, as we were also involved in the paperwork side every step of the way, hired our own lawyers, had unsupervised visits with the birth family, etc.  We felt so blessed because Tammy had gotten to know our hearts deeply via my blog, which opened up space in her to be really intuitive about the process for us in regards to what suited our needs and lifestyle.  Another reason I am so grateful that I have been open about my journey here.  Had I never spilled about it on my blog, Tammy may never have found me.


Sue asked: I would like to ask you how do you keep that real once in a lifetime love so special with your wonderful boho boy?
My answer:  This is such a beautiful and real question and so appropriate for us right now.  I think one of the most harmonious things between me and my husband is that we are both communicators. Neither of us can wait long periods of time without spilling our feelings and in a gentle way.  Neither of us are aggressive about the way we communicate.  We are not comfortable raising our voice and we are both peace makers and always have been throughout our lives.  We're kind of kindred spirits.  Both of us have been in relationships where our partner was more aggressive or more private with their emotions, so that has made us really appreciate one another. So, I think this similar way of dealing with anger and frustration and emotions, has kept us very close.  Although, the reason this question is apropos, is that recently we had sort of fallen into a realm of quietness with one another.  Feeling really exhausted as new parents and him working so much and me missing him. For the first time in our entire relationship, we were not super present with one another and when my sister Darlene came to visit, she noticed and brought it to surface.  It really shook us up to see how easy it is to grow apart when you're focus is your child.  So since then, we have sort of come back to ourselves by communicating daily and spending quality time together and reconnecting with the dreams we have for our wee family.  It was a funk that we all go through and it needed to be heard and validated and nurtured.


Diane asked: Also, what's your philosophy on marriage? You seem so loving and caring towards your husband. I love and adore my husband, but sadly sometimes the mundane daily tasks bring out the nag in me. What advice would you give to inspire someone to be a better wife?
My answer: Oh Diane...I nag!!!  When I do find myself being naggy, I try to be really conscious of it and apologize if I feel it is not helping the matter.  I have really learned, with any relationship, that if there is something going on that doesn't feel right or I feel taken advantage of, that it helps to be gentle and not attacking about it, otherwise defenses will surface and you won't feel heard or truly seen and neither will they.  I try to let my husband know how grateful I am that he does this, this and this before I let him know I am not comfortable with something else.  But there are times when I am grumpy and tired and moody and I just let it out and because he is SO transparent, I see when it is too much for him and that is when I jump in and tell him what really is bothering me...which is most always something not at all related to him but some inner struggle going on.  I don't know if I really have a philosophy on marriage, really.  I just feel it is so important to keep communicating with my husband.  Even with uncomfortable subjects. I really try and take responsibility for my part in the relationship first before I try to fix his and when we do that for one another, we are both being an example to one another of how we want to be.  I think this could be a whole entire post because I have more to share but I'll do that another time.  Thank you for this.  It helps me navigate closer to my love life.


Anonymous "A" asked: How did you find the courage to stop trying for another baby after adopting Cedar? How do you react/feel when people share stories of miracle pregnancies after adoption and suggest that adoption may kick in some magical hormones? I ask this because I am SO TIRED of other peoples pressure to try for #2, but also feel that nagging pressure inside. It's hard.
My answer: Awesome question and so grateful for the space to explore this. I was so very attached to the idea of being pregnant and birthing my child for so, so long.  Up until I met our birth mom face to face, really.  It was then that something shifted within me with the realization that this spirit baby that I have been feeling near me all these years, was supposed to come into our lives this way.  It was our story for some reason.   The reason for it perhaps didn't need to be known then and may not be fully known for a long time.  I just felt certain about it when I gazed into our birth mom's eyes and felt her tummy and him move around for me. So the courage came from knowing this was our story, the way we were supposed to find one another.  That really helped me to let go of being attached to any one way of how we connect with our child in this realm. Many people have approached me with the concept of having another baby naturally or even adopting and depending on my mood or if I am in a tender space or not, it does pull on some hard parts for me.  Mainly because I am not one of those women that can control it in that way (either biologically or financially).  I have really had to come to a place of accepting that it may always just be the three of us and feeling centered in that vision.  So that if we do end up getting pregnant or adopting another child, it would be such a blessing but not really a goal, if that makes sense?  We are not "trying" for another baby.  We are wanting/needing to be in a space of trust and letting go and accepting what is.  I think what also helps is that Cedar has other bio siblings out there that have been placed for adoption.  I feel confident that someday he will connect with, when all feels aligned and comfortable within those families. (Ingrid...I hope that answers your question about adoption too!!).  So, when people ask me if we want another child or make a joke about a miracle pregnancy post adoption or inquire about us adopting again, my response is always..."we're not trying but if it happens, that would be a blessing.  we are okay with just the three of us. "  What more can they say?

Whew, man...good stuff you guys.  So grateful.

Here is a weekend photo for you of Cedar playing with his new beloved train set:

loving his new train set...