bella wish and boho, taken by stacy anne with my canon 50d

I had such a very healing, nurturing, magical time with Miss Bella Wish and Stacy Anne the past few days here in my home. So much so, that I plan to do a very special post about it all, including some delicious photos of their sweet connection as mommy and daughter. I also caught a few precious moments of Bella and Cedar playing together. Too fricken adorable, man...these miracle babies of ours!

What I am going to share today is not easy for me. I have some conflict about whether or not to spill out such tender, personal emotions but then again, my blog has always been a place where I do this. I've always promised to be authentic and true...even on the days when that means I am feeling so totally messy inside. Today was one of those days.

This morning I recorded a video for my girlfriends. It was of me dancing for Cedar. The camera was set a bit far away from me, so they could get the full effect of my groovin' and his giggling. I didn't expect to have the reaction I did when I watched it. I started crying. I wish I could say they were tears of joy but in all honesty, they were tears of humiliation and frustration. The woman I saw on that video, didn't feel like the woman I am inside. The woman I saw is 30 pounds heavier than the doctors say I should be. In photos I am a master at hiding that part of me. It is my job to know those flattering angles for my clients and of course I use those skills on myself. We only have three mirrors in our house. Two are tiny bathroom mirrors where we can only see our faces and one is a mirror that is about as tall as my legs and I prop it up here and there in my bedroom when I need to see if what I am wearing looks alright. I can barely get my full body image in the mirror. So, in some way, it has been kind of nice not having to focus on what we look like clothed or naked. ; ) The lack of mirrors in our home has been a wonderful reminder to focus on our inner beauty rather than our outer beauty.

Why it is hard for me to share that I am not comfortable with my weight is that I was That Girl who was all about her curves. "Embrace Your Curves" was my motto...for years, through high school, college and life after. I was never skinny and never really wanted to be. There was a time when I became alarmingly thin but that was either from being sick in the hospital or after a break-up from a long relationship. That doesn't count because it wasn't something I was consciously wanting to happen...and when it did, I wanted my curves back. I am so extremely drawn to and attracted to the body of a woman. I love the hills and valleys...so inspiring to draw, paint or photograph. Curves make me feel sexy and alluring and touch a deep, deep place in my soul that celebrates womanhood, sisterhood and all things feminine.

So, my feelings of not being happy with my weight truly have nothing to do with me wanting to be a really thin person. What it is about is that all of this extra weight represents a time in my life where I was depressed and feeling lethargic and sad. Most of it is the weight I gained taking hormones to try and get pregnant because my body was very sensitive to them. These fertility meds triggered my thyroid and endometriosis and since I have felt different than I used to. I don't have as much energy and I am in a lot of pain at times. This doesn't happen to everyone but it happened to me. I don't want to scare people away from fertility treatments. I have met others that have not had this experience.

I was being treated for my thyroid by my Naturopath but the treatment ended up putting 10 more pounds onto my body within a few weeks, which confused my doctor, so we were just about to go through a battery of tests to figure out the mystery, when we got the call that our birth mother was in labor.

Then everything changed as far as me taking gentle care of myself. It was all about preparing for the baby to come, chucking all of our fertility diets out the window and becoming new parents to our brilliant little boy. Everyone knows that the first few months with a new baby lends to your whole world turning around...especially in regards to your health because the focus is off of you and onto the wee one. Needless to say, since I don't have a nanny and a housekeeper and a chef, I have been eating poorly and not exercising and have been extremely tired. But we are starting to come around. My husband went on a cleanse last week and I plan to start one tomorrow. When I went on the Master Cleanse for 10 days last April, I remember feeling alive and craving healthy foods and feeling so...well...CLEAN. ; ) I am tired of craving bread and cheese and pasta lately. I need to detox and retrain my brain for what is healthy for my bod.

I just feel sad. Sad that I am not embracing my more padded curves. I love being in that head space where I know I am not as thin as my friend sitting next to me but it didn't matter. I felt sexy. I felt wanton. I felt bad ass. ; )

Now I just feel heavy and tired and not so lovely. What I saw on that video today isn't who I feel I am inside. So, I want to take some gentle steps to get back there. I know I am a new mommy and Cedar comes first, so I will try not to put too much pressure on myself or do anything drastic but tomorrow I am starting anew; cleansing, detoxing, drinking more water, eating more greens, getting more exercise, embracing nature more than my couch. I've even made a few appointments to deal with my thyroid and endo. Yes, yes...this is what I need. This is what Cedar needs. This is what Boho Boy needs from me.

They need a woman in their home that is comfy in her skin and in her heart.

I saw this photo of me and Bella up above and thought it was so apropos to how I have been feeling. I remembered when Stacy captured this moment, I strategically placed Miss Bella in front of me to hide the bulges. I wanted to hide behind her beauty.

I don't want to hide anymore. In order to not hide, I need to explore these feelings. I need to share them so that you all know where I am at these days. Being so aware and open will help hold me accountable to gently make those steps to a healthier, more comfortable me.

No more hiding. Just accepting, honoring, exploring, loving, nurturing and challenging my body so that I can truly embrace my curves again.