early morning spilling*

photo by deb schwedhelm

I woke at 5am this morning with a deep yearning for quiet time. Hopefully a few hours before Cedar wakes, I decide to sacrifice sleep to fill my cup both literally and figuratively. A dear friend of mine that is a musician sent me an MP3 of a new song last week and I hadn't had a moment to listen to it yet. I poured myself a creamy cup of coffee (yes, I am drinking coffee again and loving it) and listen to her hauntingly smooth voice...over and over. Up in our loft, sun isn't coming through the arched windows yet, I have my earphones on. Well, half on one ear, the other is open and listening for the wee peep of a baby through the monitor that sits on my desk. I am still in my silky pajamas...straps, so that my skin can feel the morning crispness.

I'm alone. This is rare. So very rare these days.

As I write my friend an email, while listening to her powerful song, with tears brimming, I write this...

"feeling a little land locked and if i could describe another sensation, that many hands are pulling at me as i walk down a busy city street. i just feel like i am giving a lot and not getting time to fill up. today i decided to sacrifice sleep for a little sanity."

Somehow hearing her voice as I write to her, I feel as though she is curled up next to me and it is easier for me to spill the deep stuff I normally can't reach.

I don't think I am complaining about giving so much because I am not attaching much negativity to these sensations. Its just something I feel aware of this morning. I wonder if I feel it more because before this year happened, I had 36 years of only being responsible for myself. I had an abundance of time to care for me, to fill my cup, to seek, evolve, nurture. So much so that I remember telling my sister one day in the thick of our fertility journey; "I am tired of thinking of myself".

Of course now where I sit I understand that it is a balance I will need to learn. That in order to remain a fully present mother and wife, I will need to figure out ways to think of myself. ; ) I think this morning I just learned one way; get up early, when my boys are sleeping. Even if that means drinking a huge cup of coffee. It is worth it. And perhaps in a few years I can go about it in a more healthy way (like a tall glass of ice water or green tea or a jog) but for now a cup of sweet and creamy coffee is a delightful companion.

I'd love to hear your ways of how you take time to nurture you. Whether you're a mother or someone who feels pulled in many different directions in your life.

I already feel the hands that have been pulling at me start to let go. The busy street is fading and is now turning into a beautiful meadow with the most perfect tree to sit under and breathe. I hope to revisit this place tomorrow...even if just for a few minutes.