out of hiding and dressing up.

polaroid by deb

I have been a little fireball of energy today. It feels so good. Not the energy that would make me want to run tons of miles (i wish i loved to run. at one time I convinced myself i loved it when i lived in Berkeley and was in awesome yoga shape but in reality, i couldn't do it without music blaring to distract me from not liking it very much). The energy I feel today is more from joy and acceptance and a feeling of freedom within my body.

I am packing for my trip right now. We leave tomorrow morning. I heard that it is extremely hot there and to wear nothing but barely nothing. Since I posted my vlog the other day, the one where I am being extremely vulnerable and brave...sitting there on my floor showing all of you one of the most insecure parts of me; my arms. I have felt empowered and a bit more daring with the part of my wardrobe that I have hidden in the back (strappy light cotton summer dresses...smushed far far behind layers and layers of clothing).

I know we all have those parts of us that we are critical about. We all try to overcome them and see ourselves as our loved ones see us. One of those parts of me is my arms. I have never had thin arms. Well, I take that back. I did for a few months in my life...and that was after my boyfriend of five years and I broke up and I moved to Berkeley and couldn't bring myself to eat out of shock and I went from a size 6/8 to a size 2. I never noticed how thin I got because I was stumbling in a transition that was unexpected and trying to find my footing and I didn't have time to look at myself. It wasn't until my best childhood friend Amy came over and gasped and made me a huge plate of scrambled eggs and forced me to eat it (with gourmet love) and after a few bites, I realized I was STARVING and remembered I love food and I haven't stopped eating since. ; ) All the way up to a size 10/12. Woo hoo I love food!

Anyways, I digress. So, I have been hiding my arms a bit. Well, A LOT. So, today, while listening to Kate Havnevick on Pandora and Cedar was soundly sleeping down below, I pulled every. single. strappy. dress. out. And you know what? I had a blast!! I had forgotten how many unique and lovely dresses I have collected over the years with hopes that I would someday be brave enough to wear them.

So here I was, trying on dress after dress and viewing my whole curvy body in the one and only full length mirror we have that we cart around our house and lay against the wall wherever we are. I actually twirled and danced and said out loud...I LOVE YOU MY FORSAKEN ARMS!

Its happening folks. I am letting go. Letting go of needing to be a certain way in order to feel good in my skin. I am going to choose to be that full figured petite woman that shows her skin and embraces the goddess bits. And if through this new way of eating and taking care of myself, I lose weight, then I will love myself just the same and know my intentions are pure. Because I want to put my energy towards it not being about weight or size but about FEELING good and sexy and wanton and...well, like me. I just need to make that choice. For me. For my son. For my husband. For those that love me and have been longing for me to be more gentle and forgiving and embracing of my new fuller self.

So, I have packed only strappy dresses and nothing else. A few light and airy cover-ups if needed...but this is so exciting! Dear world...I have fuller arms and fuller bosoms and that is brilliant.

Some of you that are new to this space might be thinking how trivial this is or perhaps how vain. That there are so many more things I could put my energy into or how could I think about my arms when there are people struggling with so much worse across our precious globe. These thoughts enter my mind as well. Daily...perhaps throughout the day. And I remind myself that this isn't an issue of beauty but an issue of me overcoming those messy and hard parts that came from my (in)fertility journey. Parts that I am working on releasing and transforming into a grand purpose in my life and the life of others that have gone through what we have. That purpose is becoming more clear and this is a piece of that puzzle for me.

We are off tomorrow and I promise to document some of my appointment. My husband and I are so giddy about my dreads! I have never been so thrilled about a new hair-do. Perhaps because it represents so much more than a new, fresh style. More on that as it unfolds...