our adoption openness.

dreads...day four

I am on day 7 of my dear dreads. The photo above is day 4...driving to the Portland airport. It was hard to go home. Portland had begun to feel like home in a sense. I feel a missingness about it all. Our spirits just belong in a place like this.

I would post a recent photo...one that Boho Boy took of me and Swirly yesterday while she was visiting, but I am too worn to process a RAW image from my camera. I am coming down with a cold but trying to manifest that I am NOT coming down with a cold. But my throat and bones do ache. Ugh. So, I chose one that I took with my camera phone a few days ago. It looks pretty much the same, although from sleeping on them each night, the roots are starting to look a bit fuzzy. Which, I sort of find a bit sweet. I look forward to Sunday when I can wash them. That will feel mmmmmm...so good. Then the softness will come. Right now they feel a bit rope-ish...scratchy...even Cedar thinks so. Soft will be nice and suit the way we like to cuddle in our house.

I've been trying to find a way to describe our day with K & T...Cedar's birth parents, which was the day following my dreadlock appointment. Even though our adoption is an Open Adoption, K & T are both extremely private people. I sense that it makes one of both of them nervous that I have a very public blog. I want to respect their privacy as much as possible.

Although, I know there is so much curiosity surrounding an open adoption relationship. The concept is quite hard for some to wrap their heads around. I want to help ease people's minds and perhaps open minds that it is indeed a surreal and beautiful thing.

Boho Boy and I both understand the wants and needs behind both an open and closed adoption. We are never ones to be so absolute about something so tender. Open adoption does feel right with Cedar, especially now that we know him intimately as he grows into his own precious person.

With all of this said, out of respect for K & T and even that of my husband, I will share my own personal feelings leading up to and surrounding this day.

The emotions I felt as the day approached were that of what I know every adoptive parent ponders. As much as there is excitement to see and hug and snuggle and be with them, there are fears too. Of course there are. You wonder if once the birth parents hold your child, that you will be forgotten. That your child will smell those familiar smells of the goddess that held them in their womb for 9 months and hear those familiar voices and in an instant you will no longer be mom or dad to them and they will not want to leave the arms of their birth parents.

Those are the irrational, deep rooted fears that we all have. Although, I had heard from many adoptive parents that once you are all together, the fears melt away and it feels natural and good and right and shared and comforting.

Still...I wondered. Rather than entertain these very vulnerable feelings, I focused on the relationship I have with both K & T that is ours alone. The connection I felt with them as both friends and family. The laughter and humor exchanged during those weeks in and out of the hospital. The long night walk in the forest we took to try and spook one another out. So many memories. And I missed them. I missed them as friends. So, this was something I could indeed wrap my head around. The anticipation to sit with them again and share our lives.

It was this connection that held us all together that day. We have fears and insecurities. They have fears and insecurities. But we all were gentle with one another. We all missed one another. It truly evolved into being about the great, deep and wide love we have for this miraculous human being by the name of Cedar. The fears melted away...just as everyone told me it would. And somehow, somehow...it felt natural. It felt like family sitting in a restaurant, feeding Cedar and cracking jokes about books or movies while T kept picking up the toys Cedar would continually toss to the ground.

Its still hard to grasp the selflessness that both K & T feel in regards to placing Cedar for adoption. The gratefulness we feel for this gift is beyond words. I know they feel it from us when they see how very loved and adored and joyful and sincere our son is. They see that we were supposed to be Cedar's parents and as much as I am sure it is hard, I believe the happiness they feel for Cedar's happiness is greater.

Cedar of course reacted towards them in a spiritual way. The look on his face when first laying eyes on them was that of something familiar to him. He stared into their eyes, longingly at first. There was a sweet understanding, almost a reassurance that I think he wanted to give to them, that they made the right choice and he gets it. I am not sure if he will always understand in this way but as he is now so very untainted by the world, he is cool with the idea that he has birth parents and adoptive parents and that we are his mommy and daddy.

Its surreal but its unique and its our story and truly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Cedar is so deeply loved and respected and adored by the four of us and he will always, always know this and not only hear it from us...but hear it from them.

I still struggle to find the words and I think you can all feel the mix of emotions but even with all of the messy beautiful feelings...it is so, so, so worth it.

Cedar also reassured me that day. With certain lingering glances or a big wide mouth smile across the table or a leaning over for me to hold him when he needed comfort and holding my hand the entire way home. He reassured me that I am indeed his mommy. I so love being Cedar's mother. Its my favorite thing.