A lot of you precious souls write to me asking how Cedar is doing since I wrote months ago about us receiving a possible diagnosis and our journey within the label/non label-ness of it all. We are so grateful for the love and care from those that have been following our journey as a family. The timing of your love notes is always so divine on those extra energy giving days for us. So many have also reached out because of being on a similar journey. A confirmation how healing being witnessed and understood can be.
This past year we've really cocooned with support from family, very patient close friends, his Naturopath and Occupational Therapist. This experience has been such a delicate and beautiful dance of listening to our hearts and our own intuition as parents, listening to Cedar, honoring wisdom from those that have gone before us and yet also surrendering to the not knowing (or needing to know) and finding what feels like home to us through it all.
We were told in the very beginning that a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome was really early to tell and to stay open as he progresses through therapy and lifestyle changes. As we read through our stacks of books on Asperger's, there were some elements Cedar shared but so many he didn't. We were fully aware through this process that not any one child fits in any box. Of course this felt so deeply true for us always even before all of this came to surface. So we remained open through our research. After months of therapy and evaluation, we have found that what we are navigating through is Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). This diagnosis and the wisdom that has come pouring forth from books and therapy and blogs has been such a blessing for us and for him.
I am, we are indeed one of those open, earthy families that believe in Crystal, Rainbow, Sun, Moon Starchild as a way of seeing his spirit and soul but we also surrender to and honor all wisdom that comes our way and it seems in this case, Western's view on SPD has enlightened us on how to help him and he's thriving. It helps my family have more compassion and understanding. It will help his teachers know better his special needs. I can only be grateful for this and its another life lesson in letting go of resistance to a label, letting go of judgment from others and surrendering to what my child needs.
As I shared with vulnerability before, we know in our hearts that Cedar is not defined by any one label or diagnosis. He is our Cedar...wholly and fully unique. He's tender and highly sensitive (like his mama). He hears things we cannot hear (frequencies, wires in walls, etc) and he needs deep pressure/impact to feel things physically. He needs to be reminded that he's hungry, hot, cold or has to go to the bathroom. He needs forewarning if a loud noise is coming (vacuum, blender, dishwasher) so he can prepare for what it does to his body. He struggles when more than one person is talking in a room, so he self soothes by making noises (hums, clicks or talks loud) to diffuse the sound in his head. If he is not in a centered space, there is a lot of melting down or inability to calm his mind and body. We try our best to honor these needs and not expose him to environments that are uncomfortable for him. We are also learning to be more brave by helping him (and us) practice self awareness in challenging situations where before we just avoided them all together for peace.
Unpredictability is what causes a lot of anxiety for him and to make things predictable, he often tries to control his environment and his imagination is what feels safe to him. He will approach people and say he is another creature and they are another creature and all of a sudden, he is taking them on an adventure. He doesn't have normal conversations. ; ) He has a wild imagination and those that go along with him and enter into his beautiful world of creatures and magic, not only gain his trust and love but they leave his presence so filled up with other-worldliness. My marmie calls him "the storyteller"...and that he can do (all. day. long.).
What our son is, is deeply connected. Deeply sensitive. Deeply intuitive. This is how we see him...and really, he is such a mirror for us. We too have so many of these needs, his daddy and me. We have learned through this process to honor these needs in each of us.
My husband is so amazing when it comes to information. He's constantly doing research on how to heal the body from within, especially for children with sensitivities like our Cedar and those on the spectrum. For our own journey through fertility and other things, healing has always been about what we put into our bodies and how it affects our mind, body and spirit. After months of trying so many different diets for Cedar, we have discovered what are triggers for his sensory needs and what nourishes him and helps his body to regulate his senses.
Below I will share what we've learned in order to offer some nuggets of help to those that are on a similar path but also to keep those informed that care for our family deeply of where we are today. I realize what works for one child, may not for another. Its all part of exploring our uniqueness!
Here's our daily gig of healing:
- Occupational therapy once a week. Every other week he joins another boy in the therapy room so they can learn together how to move through social anxieties and fears in a warm, loving, gentle environment. Playing with children can feel so unpredictable to Cedar and what feels safe and predictable is to control his environment by controlling play. This has made it an emotional experience to connect with other children. This therapy sharing has really helped him be open to other children's needs and ideas. Its helped him be more brave and open in social situations.
- Gluten Free/Grain Free diet. If he does do grains, only brown rice and quinoa feel good in his body but not in excess...just bits at a time.
- No peanuts
- No bananas
- No dairy with the exception of goats cheese/milk
- No safflower or sunflower oil
- No sunflower seeds
- Cashew nut butter only (he has a reaction from almond, peanut and sunflower butters)
- High doses of Omega 3 oils (five of these & two of these, both in the morning and late afternoon).
- Probiotics (one in morning, one in afternoon) are crucial because we notice that if he is able to digest what goes into his body well, then energy will go towards what he needs for his sensory system rather than energy being used up for his digestion.
- Vitamin D3 (one tablet daily in morning)
- We cook for him with walnut and grapeseed oil. After watching the film Lorenzo's Oil (true story), my husband did research and discovered the miracle piece to the oil came from walnuts. When we started using these oils for him, we noticed a shift immediately. We start his day with breakfast sauteed heavy in walnut oil (scrambled fresh eggs from our neighbor, organic sausage, potatoes) with some coconut milk yogurt and a wee bit of berries. He needs to start his day with a breakfast mostly of protein with plenty of those oils and that sets him up for a day feeling better in his body.
- He eats nothing processed, no artificial colors, artificial flavors and no sugars. The only sweetener he can tolerate is honey.
- Body movement. Cedar's occupational therapist describes his sensory needs as a "sensory bank account". The more you deposit into his account, the better his sensory system can regulate itself. The more that is taken out, the more depleted an unable to regulate he becomes. The best way to fill his account up is with body movement, body impact (deep hugs, deep pressure placed on body, pillow sandwich, running, climbing, pulling, jumping, stretching).
- Music therapy
- We often create dark spaces for him to go to (tents, forts, huge boxes with pillows and blankets inside where he places battery operated candles for low light). This helps him when he is overstimulated and overwhelmed. He'll read a book or watch a film or play an educational game in these dark spaces until he's ready to surface.
- Nurturing ourselves: All of this requires a lot of energy and taking time to ourselves (romantic dates, coffee shops, me working on an ecourse, my husband getting massages for his carpel tunnel) helps us be more present for Cedar when we are with him.
- Nature, nature, nature...is his most healing place. There he can connect in a way where there is no pressure to connect. Trees, earth, stones, sand and water just get him.
How we communicate these changes we've made in our life to Cedar is that we are trying to "help his body feel good". What we've seen in him as we've poured our energy into this journey is that he is so much more in tune with his body. He is beginning to communicate in words what feels like too much or what he needs. He will tell his babysitter "my body doesn't feel good when I eat those" or he will ask if he can leave the room when there are too many people. He will tell us he needs to be held tightly or he will tell us he doesn't want to be touched. He is not always able to use his words but many times he does and this is so precious to us.
After spending time communicating with Cedar in a very other worldly way, his Naturopath shared with us that he believes Cedar is a sentient being and these beings that are sent to earth with a message are very sensitive to anything that isn't pure.
Truly, that is what brought it all together for me. That simple message of purity. Pure...oh how I love that word and really, its been such a guide for us: Pure, simple, clean, clear, whole, organic. Aren't all of our bodies in need of this, especially when we are in a sensitive space?
Yesterday, right before falling asleep in the tree swing while his friend Emily was swinging him he said...
"When I close my eyes, my brain feels like you're telling me secrets and I'm swimming in it."
{you can see where our 
Sometimes I look across the room and get a glimpse of what may come in the future and I linger and watch this other worldly space he allows himself to surrender to. He doesn't know I am witnessing or that would bring him to the present. 
What really touched me deep in this trailer is when Timothy is standing in front of a row of friends and asked "So, you all came from your mom's tummies? How was that?" With such an innocent curiosity, from a place of not feeling left out or left behind or a longing and wishing he had come to his parents that same way. How deeply we hope Cedar will feel this secure about his journey to us and comfortable being open about his own birth story.
cedar digs into my basket of hats before heading out the door these days. 
Cedar is three today.
Our dear boy is really growing into himself and as a dear friend said to me today..."the 3 year change is HUGE...the child goes from just in the head space and begins to work his way down his body...". And that is exactly what is happening. Even now that he has found his words, he still is most comfortable expressing himself with his body. Most people that spend time with him says he has a groove when he walks. We often wonder if he will be a dancer or an actor or something where he can move every morsel of his body to express an emotion. Since this body movement is so part of who he is, I want to nourish it deep but he has chosen this part of his life to become a picky eater. So, I come to you mamas or caretakers to freshen up our toddler kitchen!
{last night...propped up on pillows while mama watched his breathing}
{today was a lazy couch day. daddy & cedar playing with his new iPad}
{i am so honored to be his safe space}
{I am slowly finding my footing as a daughter, sister, wife, friend and especially a mama}
I have some pretty yummy stuff to document about my trip to British Columbia, Canada but not the time to do it yet. I want to put it somewhere, so I can look back and cherish, read it to Cedar and savor the memory of his first time in his father's country. Just to offer a slice, some of the stories have to do with my head being pooped on, me losing my phone downtown to be found again and a dreadlocked beauty who reads my blog bravely approaching me that I cannot stop thinking about. She was magic.
Last night while we were preparing for Cedar's nightly rhythm, I said to him..."when you wake up in the morning, there will be a surprise!" His face lit up with a smile wider than usual " a soupwize??" he asked. Of course he was suddenly inspired to walk up the stairs and into the bed. As I held him until he fell asleep, he kept saying "soupwize" and then sighing. Once he fell asleep and I went back downstairs, I said to Boho Boy, "if he remembers when he wakes up, then he is far too smarty for a 2 year old!" Guess what happened. As soon as he opened his eyes this morning, he looked at me and whispered "goo-mownin! soupwize, mama??".
oh my goodness. We have all been crashed out sick over here. All with the same things, same symptoms. Sinus Infection, Acute Bronchitis, etc. Going round and round and our home conditions not helping. But mama finally got it BAD after taking care of my boys. I even had to postpone a visit from one of my sisters because we are so concerned this viral thing is too catchy and that is the last thing she needs. So now I am laid up for a few days and my honey love is home with me being a sexy boy nurse and my sweet son is being VERY patient with me not being able to play too much with him. But I did get out the paints yesterday...so we could both get some fresh air and do something gentle. I am so warmed in the heart to see Cedar getting braver and braver with his tactile sensitivities. He loves painting but has had some episodes where he melted down when paint touched him. So we tried other things but he kept going for the brush. I always follow his lead with his interests. I have watched him work through it on his own and yesterday, he actually found some humor in it...and it was awesome to see.
We are here for one more month and then we're headed to WASHINGTON...omg. So so so excited. In the meantime, we have stocked up with an herbal pharmacy of immunity building goodness. As of right now, I had to give into the Western approach and take the antibiotics (Cedar too) but once we lick this thing and move to fresh Washington air, we will put our intentions into maintaining wellness within our bodies, minds and souls. We are so craving a change. Our gypsy hearts are aching for a new beginning. I've already connected with three lovely souls that live there and I am not even there yet. This place is full of kindred spirits and an energy that pulls you in. I have sweet visions of Boho Boy kayaking as the sun comes up and me jogging on the pier and Cedar running in a forest with his gnome spirit on high.
Slowly, over this past month, Cedar started to not seem like himself. More quiet, sleeping longer, appetite decreasing. He was chewing on his fingers, so we figured it was his two year molars again. Which it was, but there seemed to be more. He began coughing a bit but since he didn't have a fever, I thought perhaps it was from the drainage of the massive amounts of saliva from his teething. Boho Boy and I always approach our bodies holistically when it comes to wellness. We have always treated Cedar in this way and he seems to have thrived with a strong immune system thus far. With the help of our intuition and wisdom from our herb mama friends and family, we thought it would be soon that we would see an improvement. But it slowly got worse and finally, after two nights of holding him up on my chest all night so he could sleep without coughing and him laying down at the park (photo you see above), I knew I needed to take him to a doctor. I hesitated before because I was not comfortable with the doctor we have for him, who is with our insurance. We felt he wasn't very present and seemed to have his thoughts on getting to the long line of patients ahead of us. He also always thought Cedar was a girl when he first walked in the door. I tend to give doctors the benefit of the doubt, especially with insurance in our country these days but it didn't mean I felt safe with him. I consulted a circle of very wise medicine women and it was almost as if their permission that it was time to go to the doctor helped me get over my own fears and stubbornness about it. I felt so protected because as soon as I called the doctor's office, they got him in with a cancellation that day and we were fortunate to see another doctor. A beautiful French woman (oooh, la la), who made it clear the minute she sat down with us that she is very conservative with medication for toddlers. I knew she was right for our family. We so believe in helping to guide our own bodies with learning how to heal itself rather than relying on medicines that only fix the surface and not the root. But we also believe, for us, that there is a time to be more aggressive about it and seek the quick-fixing Western approach. Especially when it comes to Cedar getting enough oxygen.