my world halts*

{last night...propped up on pillows while mama watched his breathing}

{today was a lazy couch day. daddy & cedar playing with his new iPad}

{i am so honored to be his safe space}

I wish I could say I was one of those mamas that are really strong when their child is sick.  But, I'm not.  My whole world halts and I feel it with him.  I just want to sit near and stare at him while he sleeps and hold him when he wakes and make it all go away.  When he cries while he is coughing, tears run down my cheeks or anxiety fills my heart.  My mind sees flashes of emergency room visits and hospital stays.  Perhaps all mamas feel this way but some are less messy about it.  I know what Cedar needs most is love and I feel confident that he feels that from me and that is what brings me comfort and gives me permission to be gentle on myself.

Its been a heavy and emotional week in regards to some family stuff but Cedar becoming really sick was a not so gentle reminder of where my energies need to be right now.  Both Boho Boy and I have taken a few trips to the Co-Op for natural remedies and the drug store for the big guns.  Tomorrow I am taking him into a new family Naturopath.  Its all chest and head congestion related and his cough seems really painful but no fever, thank goodness.   I am sitting here on the couch with him.  It is 8:30pm and he's been asleep for 3 hours.  I think this might mean another long night of staying awake with him against my chest, reading and watching the tellie.  I had so much I wanted to do today but everything has slowed and all that matters is this moment, his breath and his comfort.

I am tired and worn with dark circles and bags under my eyes but I am stepping into that peaceful warrior within.

{I am slowly finding my footing as a daughter, sister, wife, friend and especially a mama}

Thank you to all of my dear friends and family that have been sending Cedar love, prayers and healing thoughts. Man, he is a little dude blessed with so much love.

Also...sending all of you a warm cup of healing soup on this day of remembrance (9/11).