Cedar is three today.

Three things about Cedar.  He's...

A little bit Comical. A little bit Soul. A little bit Zen.

I sit here snuggled up on the couch, gazing now and then in front of me at the birthday fort we built Cedar.  Each year we promised to do this and he wakes to a corner of fabric and pillows and balloons and a few presents.  His sacred hideaway.  His little cave.  It stays up for a while.

Yesterday, as I made the tiny preparations for his special day, I walked around in a bit of a haze and felt my heart both ache and soar about all of it.  His growing up feels so sudden.  Once he grasped language and could communicate fully, I was able to see deeper into layers of who he is.  And as much as his discoveries and sharings and imagination is so new, my connection to his stories feel so ancient, so familiar.  All those years of trying to conceive, it was this very spirit that he is coming to be, that I felt near me.  I probably say this often.  I don't remember.  But it is THAT true and wild.  I knew him before he came to us.  I heard his whispers.  And now...I get to feel them close, like when I am laying with him in bed and he puts his arms around me, rests his forehead on mine and says "lets talk mommy" with his sweet breath tickling my nose.  And oh the talks we have.  This is just the beginning.

As Maezen said to me earlier today..."3 is little. Little and wise."

More soon.  I've pulled in a bit, slowed down as the darkness of winter approaches and the chill in the air beckons me to snuggle in.  Reading this book again has awakened my heart.  Just returned from a long weekend away with a soul sister in need.  Life feels different to me as I re-enter.  I am navigating my way through it and brought to a space of slowing and savoring.