This past weekend Susannah, creator of the abundantly inspiring Unravelling e-courses, was in our home. Her intention in coming out from the UK was to explore San Francisco...a city she has dreamed of visiting for 17 years. You can see some images of the city on her blog, where she has posted photos daily of her adventures.
We were honored she took out some time to come meet Cedar and snuggle on our couch and sit and watch Boho Baby entertain each of us. Its good for me to have my friends come enter into our bubble because we can so easily cocoon for days. Sus and I spent the day Saturday walking around Pacific Beach, which gave her the dose of Southern Cali that she needed (sans the rain). It was so fun observing her in her bliss...walking out to the water with her darling (aka Polaroid Camera). I just had to capture it (see images above).
Before she headed back to SF, she gave me a few lessons on her Pola and I found myself giddy like a little girl (okay, I admit...I jumped up and down a bit. So American of me!). She also took some lovely polas of our wee family that I cannot wait to share. We all learned that Cedar has a "camera face". He looks at the lens with pouty lips and a sexy stare. I am serious. We were stunned. He'd be giggling and as soon as she told him to look at the camera, he put the face on. Where the heck did he get that? Hmmmm...one wonders. ; )
Cedar wasn't quite himself while she was here. We could tell something was bothering him, whether it be his stomach or the teething. He seemed a bit more needy and whiny than we were used to. He's such an independent dude...loving his alone time and not needing me by his side on the floor at all times. But we found him needing that during her visit. I noticed I was trying to make excuses about it to Sus..."oh, he's never like this!", as if I was embarrassed. I think for the first time I got a taste of the future; him acting up around people and me fearing judgment. Even though I knew Sus wasn't at all thinking anything less and understanding the situation fully and being wonderful, I felt self conscious.
It was weighing on my mind the whole of yesterday. I sat with Boho Boy and talked it through with him. What concerned me the most is that in those moments, I seemed to worry more about what Sus thought of me as a mother, than what Cedar may have been trying to communicate to me. That broke my heart. Since Cedar has been such a peaced-out baby, I wasn't used to feeling this way and was caught off guard at how I felt and reacted.
I think so much of it came from my lack of confidence in feeling "prepared" for Toddlerhood. Cedar has suddenly, in just a few weeks went from baby to toddler and wow, this is when you have to have some strategy beyond the love and nurturing that is oh so natural! So last night Boho Boy and I discussed our feelings, fears, ideas on where to go from here. I opened up "Happiest Toddler on the Block" because so many of the other books I have been reading through apply to older children.
My hope is that if Cedar acts up around friends or family that I can let go of my ego and focus on my relationship with him and be more forgiving of him and of myself.
I cuddled him deep last night...apologizing for not being fully present with him. I could have sworn when he grabbed my face and smooshed his mouth all over my cheeks, he was telling me that it was okay and that he loves when mommy has friends over and takes care of her other needs and that he gets it and that he just had a massive poopie that went up to his back. ; )
{the winner of the gorgeous Kerin Rose Peace Necklace was Christine-RHP. congrats Christine! please send Kerin an email with your mailing address. thank you to all who entered and shared your hearts. we were touched and kept emailing back and forth about your amazing souls}