me and my boho boys on the trolley yesterday
I am slowly surfacing, peeking my head into the online world after much needed cocooning with my wee family. Boho Boy had a few days off of work which meant four full days of Cedar and me soaking him in. During the four days, he chose not to touch a computer and work...which is HUGE for him. I don't remember the last time he did this. Perhaps last Christmas. As a result of his hard work to help our move go more smoothly, his body has let him know in a big way that he needs to slow down. He's been dealing with sinus and kidney issues and the information nerds that we are, have been on a quest to help heal his bod.
Part of the healing process is family time and quieting the mind. It was so wonderful to see him reading again. Curled up in the rocking chair and hungry for the pages. "I want Cedar to see me reading", he said. This is who he was when I met him. I walked into his home for the first time years ago and there were books everywhere stacked by the sofa and chairs and on top of tables and near his bed and pouring out of the gigantic book shelf that took over one wall (we still have this). I see us someday having our own sweet library in our home with huge cushy chairs and stacks of books and perhaps yummy arched book shelves built into the wall. Ohhh...with a fireplace too. One can dream.
He even did something he hasn't done in a long time. He woke up earlier than me and went out to get our yerba mate ready. When Cedar woke up, he tipped toed into our room and grabbed him so I could sleep. Then about an hour later, he came in with a steaming mug of mate and told me to enjoy it alone in bed. Since Cedar has been born, those quiet moments of my first morning cup are mostly non-existent. When he left the bedroom and I was resting up against my plethora of pillows, I took a deep breath in and felt so grateful that he knows the little things I need and have been missing in my life...without me having to say anything.
We have recognized that our days have felt rough around here. Years ago when we met for the first time, we connected over parts of our personalities that we feel not a lot of people understood or nurtured in their own life. Neither one of us took the road expected. Money was never a priority for us but living life by the heart was. We were not workaholics. Connecting, talking for hours all snuggled up was always enough for us. Reading, dreaming, being outdoors. Neither one of us are super energetic go-getters that spin from morning until night. We're pretty laid back and very simple. The last few years of spinning have felt unfamiliar to our bones. Especially to his. We honor all of it. We honor why it needed to change. We honor what it has taught us and where it has brought us and now we know we need to go back to our roots. We are ready for a slower life. A simpler existence. Just recognizing that alone has brought us so much peace.
And Cedar. Oh how many times we looked at one another the past four days with teary eyes expressing how blessed we are to have him as a son. He truly is an amazing little dude. The past few months have been full of so many emotions for him and of course for me because we are always together and so very connected. Ever since birth, he has been very hyper aware of his environment. The doctors noticed it in the hospital and people tell us this whenever they are with him. So because of this, if you want to really engage with him, it is constant. Being with him is both healing and challenging. I've been really trying to honor my intuition in guiding him and comforted by a few friends of mine that have read books and taken courses on gentle parenting. Every child is so, so different and I think this is why we as parents have to embrace the concept that not one thing works for every child. So I try to balance my studying of techniques and guidance with listening to my own voice and most importantly, listening to Cedar's. For someone like me, who is sensitive to all emotions in a room, it can feel exhausting. But truly, its a good exhaustion. I am madly in love with this exhaustion because I am madly in love with being a partner to Cedar on his journey.
Yesterday evening we were at a park. It was 5:30pm and completely dark already. The park was lit up by the moon and stars. We were alone there...me, Cedar and Boho Boy. Cedar was in the swing and I said..."soak it all in Cedar!" and immediately he threw his body back, taking in a deep breath while closing his eyes and when he opened them said "he-yoh mooooo!" towards the moon. I wasn't sure if he would even understand what I meant by "soak it in". Of course he did. And then I too lingered at the moon and the stars a bit longer. Cedar too is guiding us back to our roots.