family and patterns and healing*

I asked for some alone time today. I have been in deep need of solitude to sort out my thoughts. So, I sit here at a local coffee shop and I am slowly breathing in the aroma of my chai latte sitting near my MacBook.

I am such a sharer. For years in this space I have spilled the big stuff going on in my heart. I have come to this place to let it out, for processing, for healing, for moving through the myriad of emotions that come with it all. I have also come here to find my voice and with hopes that by me sharing my story, others will not feel alone and gather up courage and bravery to find their own. That is why it has been so hard that I have been unable to spill about some pretty huge emotions and shifts going on in my immediate family right now. Pieces of it are so private, so sacred and some of the people involved are not as open to share their life as I have done so openly. So, I respect their feelings, their choices and their needs and because of this, I am unable to share here.

I sit here at this table in a public space wiping my tears, trying to breathe them back, to look out the window and focus on something, anything else so I don't draw any attention.

The holidays whirled by at the beach house and then settling back into home and then packing again for another week away. When life is busy like this, I keep above water and don't have a moment to sink into mySELF and all that is going on within. Until now. Until solitude. Until gazing out of the window at passersby. It comes rushing in.

I have such a wide open heart and I feel so much. Not only my emotions but the emotions of those I love. It can feel overwhelming and the natural part of me...the "who" I have been in this family since I was born into it, is the peacemaker. I could make other's pain or hurtful words go away with smiles and being funny or charming or warm and loving. Many times just brushing the hard and icky parts under the rug, just to keep the peace. Setting boundaries with people I love goes so against my grain but I have learned how to do this slowly, in my life. My husband has been a huge part of recognizing my need to step back and protect my space and my heart so that my openness and kindness are not taken advantage of. Being a mother has naturally exercised those muscles of creating a healthy environment in my life, for my husband and son.

Roles and relationships are shifting within my family. It is new territory but so needed...for all of us. We crave change and yet are so afraid of it. It will take time. Gentle, patient time but in the meantime, I struggle most with feeling so misunderstood by some. I am sure each of us struggle with this, in our own way. I am holding onto hope that we are all on our way to feeling a little more understood, so the healing can begin.

Its big stuff and some days I walk softly with it; open arms, just trusting. Some days I feel consumed with the fear of old patterns, habitual reactions and past wounds. Some days I feel raw to the bone and tender to the core. Some days I feel firm footed and brave....wild woman...boundless...ready. Today I feel ALL of it.

I love my whole family so much. Every single one of them. We are a blessed bunch to have one another. The reasons why we were put on this earth together is for stuff like this: Growing pains and spreading our wings and the support to take flight. And this is why all of this feels so big to me.

I will be at my sister's farm for a week. I may or may not be able to post from there. Perhaps just some images, perhaps not. But I know I will feel wrapped up having shared the stuff going on with me that has kept me more silent here than usual.

When I look at this photo above, I am brought back to a simpler place where the three of our souls dance together. Where shifting old family patterns can start at the beginning, here in our wee home. Where I can gently guide Cedar with the wisdom I will gather through this experience to always be gently honest with us, to know and speak his truth and to be true to his heart.

Thank you for holding this space lightly for me and for respecting that this is all I can share.

Healing is my word for 2011.