i am here.

{me in angela's room at the farmhouse.  yet another kissy photo}

I'm here. I promise.

I arrived home from my sister's farm the night before last. I feel like I have been living out of a suitcase for the past month. We are settling in. Unpacking slowly. Laundry. Deep breathing. Restoring with sleep. And nurturing a very emotional boy. His two year molars are coming in (ouch!). He also has had a lot of change over the last four weeks with travel to and fro. Change can be hard for Toddlers. Being at the farm was healing for him in that he is SO crazy-loved by my family and of course that just makes a mama's heart swell to bursting. I remember my sister saying to me and my marmie "Cedar coming into our lives was the start of so much change and healing". I welled up with tears. I felt blessed and in awe of the gifts he shares with my family.

I apologize for being quiet here.  I am exhausted and in need of restoration. There is so much whirling around in both me and my husband's hearts and minds. So much transformation ahead of us with preparing for our move and starting a whole new life. I wonder how I can fit it all in over the next 6 months. We have so much to declutter. I would love to arrive in Washington with a simpler idea of what will fill our home.

I was chatting with another blog friend yesterday. She is so beautiful and creative and earthy and crafty and an awesome mama to her children. I was teary while texting "how do you do it all?" and she replied "i don't.  i feel messy.  i am right where you are". Then we continued for an hour spilling our stories. This is what happens when we reach out. We begin to not feel alone. I wondered if I was somehow not doing enough or being enough. I have ONE toddler boy and yet my energy towards other loves/passions in my life is barely there. I give him so much because he needs it and I give it willingly but what is left of me at the end of the day is not a whole lot. I am told that this age is a lot...a lot to breathe through.  An age where children discover their separateness from you and are full of emotions and energies that need to be explored and released.  Another dear friend of mine wrote that she drove around in her car for two hours in her pajamas just to center herself away from her children. I told her it made me fall more in love with her. We need to do this, mamas. We need to let it out and have no shame in the hard parts. For me, adding humor to them is what helps me cope. I wonder what helps you cope?

When I put Cedar down for a nap today, I went out and laid on our livingroom floor pretending I was him. I threw myself back in a tantrum, kicking and throwing my limbs about, saying "Nooooooo!"...just to see what it felt like in his body. It felt AWESOME. Now I get it. ; )

I will share more images from my visit to the farm soon. Oh, and come back Wednesday. I will have a YUMMY giveaway for you all!

{cedar in my sister's almond orchard}