cedar, two years & 3 months...{taken with Cross Processed iPhone app with an Instagram filter Hefe}

A wonderful woman that reads my blog wrote me an email last week telling me she had a dream about me in labor (hello dear francie!).  In this dream, I was sitting on a chair and she was there, with some other women, supporting me through the contractions as they came and went.  Then she wrote about it in a metaphorical sense.  About believing I was giving birth to something amazing in my life.  My sister Darlene that same week also had a dream about me giving birth while she was with me, although she took it a bit more literal, and when chatting about it on Skype, had a totally wishful/hopeful grin about the idea of us having another baby.  I joked with her that I know SHE wants more babies in our family but honestly, we are so totally okay with just the three of us.  As Cedar came bouncing up to the laptop screen saying hello, we giggled and collectively agreed that Cedar is enough.  ; )

As much as it can still be such a bummer that I may never experience what it is like to carry a child in my womb or bring a child into this world through my own birth, I am not in that space any longer of needing/desiring it.  Although of course when I hear other people share their stories about pregnancy or birth or breastfeeding, I do get that ache down deep in my gut and depending on the headspace I am in, the heartache can linger or it can drift away in a few minutes.  Its natural and its part of grief.  It never fully goes away but it hurts much less as the years go on.  This will be my constant practice, to find my medicine, my lessons in these aches as I am attracted to and tend to attract earthy goddess women that revel in their birth/pregnancy experiences.  These stories will always be part of my circle.  There was a time when I protected myself from women like this and now I seem to be embracing these goddesses and facing it all like a gentle warrior.  At times I will feel misplaced in a circle, until I am reminded that our birth story and its many layers teaches them too and then that sense of belonging returns.

I AM in love with the idea that I am receiving messages that I am about to birth something extraordinary in my life and even more in love with the idea of it having to do with us living somewhere new by Summer.  We are ready for new.  So ready.

...and I am in love with Cedar's new hat.