cedar, two years & 3 months...{taken with Cross Processed iPhone app with an Instagram filter Hefe}

A wonderful woman that reads my blog wrote me an email last week telling me she had a dream about me in labor (hello dear francie!).  In this dream, I was sitting on a chair and she was there, with some other women, supporting me through the contractions as they came and went.  Then she wrote about it in a metaphorical sense.  About believing I was giving birth to something amazing in my life.  My sister Darlene that same week also had a dream about me giving birth while she was with me, although she took it a bit more literal, and when chatting about it on Skype, had a totally wishful/hopeful grin about the idea of us having another baby.  I joked with her that I know SHE wants more babies in our family but honestly, we are so totally okay with just the three of us.  As Cedar came bouncing up to the laptop screen saying hello, we giggled and collectively agreed that Cedar is enough.  ; )

As much as it can still be such a bummer that I may never experience what it is like to carry a child in my womb or bring a child into this world through my own birth, I am not in that space any longer of needing/desiring it.  Although of course when I hear other people share their stories about pregnancy or birth or breastfeeding, I do get that ache down deep in my gut and depending on the headspace I am in, the heartache can linger or it can drift away in a few minutes.  Its natural and its part of grief.  It never fully goes away but it hurts much less as the years go on.  This will be my constant practice, to find my medicine, my lessons in these aches as I am attracted to and tend to attract earthy goddess women that revel in their birth/pregnancy experiences.  These stories will always be part of my circle.  There was a time when I protected myself from women like this and now I seem to be embracing these goddesses and facing it all like a gentle warrior.  At times I will feel misplaced in a circle, until I am reminded that our birth story and its many layers teaches them too and then that sense of belonging returns.

I AM in love with the idea that I am receiving messages that I am about to birth something extraordinary in my life and even more in love with the idea of it having to do with us living somewhere new by Summer.  We are ready for new.  So ready.

...and I am in love with Cedar's new hat.

birthstory book*

cedar (three days old) and daddy sleeping

This weekend I am working on a birthstory book for us to read to Cedar. I'll be using Blurb (love) to make it. There will be stories and images of when we first met his birth parents, then his BIRTHday, moving into the few weeks we spent in the hotel room post birth and finishing with the drive home. I want to read this to him on a weekly basis, so that his story, to him, will feel like a natural way to come into this world, into our world.

We'll continue to make books for him..."first year", "second year", etc. But this one is going to be so very emotional and raw and beautiful.

So, last night, as I was beginning to create the book by uploading the first image onto the Cover Page, I was starring at the computer to come up with a title. I was in a bit of a tender space, yet exhilarated at the same time. It was so fun to go back to all of these images and relive that whirlwind of a time for us. Yet, if I am completely honest with myself, in those moments of reflection...there are always a mix of emotions.

So, with a bit of rawness in my voice, I looked over at Boho Boy sitting at his desk near mine and asked..."What should I call the book...'Cedar's Birth Story'"?

...he thought about it and then responded in light..."How about 'Lord of the Binkies?'".

This is why I love him so. The yin and yang of our moods. I laughed so hard that I laughed myself out of being too intense in that moment.  He knows what I need so well.

Anyways, wanted to share a few of the images from the hospital, as well as the hotel room that are precious to me and haven't yet been posted on my blog.  Due to privacy for our birthparents, I am unable to share the ones of them.


first gaze once nurses gave way..."oh there you are...of course it's you"

first cuddle with his son

first feeding

exploring his face

falling into slumber together in the hotel room

first time trying a wrap.  cedar was never a huge fan.  ; )

one of my favorites

he looks like a doll wrapped like a burrito (taken in hotel room on thanksgiving day)