reconnecting with a happier me*

I am sitting on our big cushy white bed upstairs while Cedar takes a nap beside me. My mother in law is coming tomorrow. I have so much to do to prepare for her stay. I get into that zone before company comes. I want it all to be nourishing and healing and home for them. I tend to stress myself out with preparation. I tend to not answer phone calls or emails the few days leading up to it. I get so focused! And then when company finally arrives, I relax into them and all the things I worried or stressed about don't seem to really matter as much as BEing with the person. I know this about myself. Yet I do it every. single. time.

Last month my days were full of settling in. Full of exploration. Of connecting with nature. Of breathing again. Using my body more since it was feeling so much better. It was full of my boys and me connecting on a level that we were unable to for a long while. We moved slower and more mindfully and remembered what it was like to LIVE in the moment.

The next few months will be full of company coming and going. Of sunshine beginning to pour in and around these parts that is GOLDEN and cherished and barely a one person stays inside.

Because of all of this, I know I have not been and may not be here on my blog much. I am really trying to look at that. So just a few minutes ago, when Boho Boy came into the bedroom to check on me and Cedar, he must have noticed I needed something because he got on his knees and laid against the bed for a little whisper chat. I confessed to him that I was feeling hesitant to share my life here, on my blog. We explored it a bit.  It helped me come here and begin to write.

What surfaced for me is that I feel really sensitive about sharing my life when I am in a truly content space. I have been on the other side of this content space so often when at times, seeing other people's happiness turned the mirror on me and what I was so longing for in my life. A dear friend of mine wrote a post a bit ago about those emotions we go through when reading another person's blog that is always about how awesome their life is and how that can really trigger the hard stuff inside of us. I immediately sent her an email and asked if my blog right now was one of the blogs that caused her to turn away.  My blog has somewhat been full of happy lately, right?  I joked with her that I am sure it is ANNOYING and that drama is coming because I am NOT used to long periods of non-suffering, so it is bound to happen soon. She giggled and reassured me it wasn't my blog she was referring to but still...I found my knee jerk concern curious. So I AM self conscious about my happiness and how it affects others. For so long I have been in a space of longing. Whether it was longing for a baby or longing for a healthier body or longing to move outside of my third floor condo/loft and provide a life closer to nature for our son. Now that I am IN my dream and living it and truly IN it...I do find myself, because I am a compassionate person, not wanting to cause discomfort to those that come here. This is all a subconscious thing that I am just now becoming aware of and forgive me for not sounding articulate about it because I am working it out, stream of conscious, on this page. Just keeping it always. ; )

I feel very cared for in this space. I feel like somehow, over the years, it has become a healing circle not only for me but for those that come here. With that said, I feel so certain that those who come here never enjoyed seeing me suffer.  I know that many of you are indeed happy for me and celebrate that we have finally moved into a more healing space for our family. Yet I am still so tender about it. So many beautiful things have transpired over the past few months that I have hesitated to share here as a way to protect some of you from being triggered. I know its not my responsibility. I know its your stuff. I have my stuff, you have your stuff and we are all responsible for our own stuff. I get that. But darn-it, I am a sensitive gal...and I care about people's feelings.

I realize this is my blog. I realize I truly write it for me and for my son someday to witness his life. But the reality is, many people come here daily and I am aware of that fact and am unable to ignore that energy.

I am not writing this with a wise, sage answer at the end. I am still working through it. To be honest, I am not used to being this happy.   I mean, yes...there have been some rough moments here and there but because I am feeling a deeper peace and a clearer mind, I notice it tends to work itself out or perhaps matter less when I am laying in my own field of buttercups.  Perhaps it is ME that needs to become comfortable with happiness and learn how to express a happier me here in this space.

My sister texted me yesterday telling me "I love you. Do you know that?" and I responded to her..."I feel your love every single day. Do you feel mine? I am harvesting nettles in my back yard right now for tea and tinctures and soup. I kindof love my life." My family knows how we have suffered. My family now celebrates in our happiness.  I didn't feel guilt when I pressed send on that text to my sis.  I just think I now need to trust that within my blog family too.