to let...to let...

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self portrait

Three tree town.

Come in from the darkness on the edge of this three tree town. Because it's thicker than the woods out there, Settles harder than the cold winter ground.

Come in from the shadows of these boot black, marching clouds Because trouble falls like rain, And lately it's been pouring down.

I've seen loneliness. She wrapped me up with such tenderness. I've seen loneliness. She tied me down in her sweet caress.

Oh come in from the confines of your own mind my dear, Because worry is all you'll find there it's clear. And tomorrow will always come. And tomorrow may well bring the sun.

Yeah I've seen loneliness She wrapped me up with such tenderness. And I've seen happiness She came round here yesterday In a bright blue dress...

And we go..

~ Ben Howard

*********************

I'm snuggled up at a corner table here at my local coffee shop. I'm working on my ecourse. Yes, I just said that.  In a bit of a whisper but my heart is fluttery.  I feel a deep pulsing of life. I feel afraid. I feel drawn toward a light that won't leave me alone. I feel my bosom moving closer to my truth.

I just received a text from my girlfriend telling me that she's listening to the Ben Howard station on Pandora and has since I mentioned it on my blog a long while ago.  I felt inspired by her mention of this.  I needed something in this moment. Something outside of myself but deeply inside myself at the same time.  So I put my earphones on, plugged them into my laptop and too began to play the Ben Howard station on Pandora.  The song above is what came on.  I felt tears run down my cheeks.  Because the past few years I have seen loneliness too.  More than I ever have in my life.  But I've also met myself, listened to myself, my desires, my tenderness, my hurts more than I ever have in my life.  I offered myself forgiveness for all the mistakes I made in relationships. Healing has been slow...but good, so so good. Yes, Loneliness...she has wrapped me up with such tenderness and Happiness comes around more often and I no longer take her for granted.  Her in her bright blue dress (which I happen to be wearing a blue dress today).

I see doors opening and the space... its quieter there than before.  Not so much noise.  Sort of a peaceful lingering hush but an inner powerful that feels steady to me.  Maybe because the inter-weaving of humility is stronger than I was ever truly aware of.  Maybe in realizing I know nothing, I found true wisdom, true love, true light.  A closeness to God and Spirit that can only come when down on your knees or back, arms outstretched on the earth, totally vulnerable. Loneliness.  Wholeness.  Then, then...surrendering to the outstretched hand near me that is right there. Laying near me. Vulnerable with me. Utterly humble.  Its time.  Its time I allow trust...to let...to let...to whisper...I cannot do this alone.  Lets rise.  Lets walk.