exhausted and in love*

cedar gazing out our window
cedar gazing out the window, canon 50d

Tonight I am tired to the bone. So very worn and tired. I de-cluttered and cleaned and rearranged furniture and redecorated from morning until night. In between we tried our best to nurture a baby that was out of sorts all day. Teething, tummy issues all at once. He also was in a bit of a panic about how very different our living room looks now. He's slowly adjusting to the change and I learned today that he is a creature of comfort in regards to his surroundings.

I am amazed at how much reserves I have for him when I am bone tired and he is inconsolable. I can remember for years on days like these at the end of the day I would just curl up and shut off my mind and quiet my world and read or write or watch a film. Rest. Now, I find myself rocking my crying baby or massaging him or cleaning his bottles or feeding him when I haven't eaten for hours and, and.

I suppose I just didn't realize I had the capacity to love like this...and I know I have a big heart. But before Cedar, on days like these, even to my husband that I adore so much, I would ask if I could just be alone for a while because I knew I was about to implode from stress or exhaustion.

Cedar's always present in my heart. Even when he's taking that long awaited nap and I have a few hours to myself, I am doing things for him or talking about him or checking on him, writing about him or processing photos of him. This is an interesting dance for me. A woman that is so independent and used to having a lot of "me" time for my business and for my tribe of family and friends. I am learning how to balance my huge love for my son and all the other things in my life that are important.

Even writing this, I have a lump in my throat and tears welling. He's just such a special person to me. Not just as my son but as a human being. I really dig him...and I feel so very blessed to be his mother. Why me? Wow.

I'll learn how to navigate through these big feelings. Oh, who am I kidding...I will probably never learn but always continually be exhausted and in love and fumbling through it all.