a birthday kiss i sent to stacy via picture message on phone last week
I've been quiet here for a few reasons. One, our internet has been fickle. Two, I have been under the weather with a sore shoulder/arm from a heavy baby, as well as an endometriosis flare. Three, some emotions have surfaced and I needed to work through them in my sacred space before resurfacing.
Since the first few things are just physical and annoying, I want to share a bit about some tender feelings that have been spilling out of me the last few days.
I know I have shared here that I am carrying an extra 20 pounds on my petite bod that to me, represent weight from my fertility journey, the hormone treatments, my endometriosis that grew from the treatments and the depression. I have also shared that I am a lover of curves and that as tempting as it is to me in fleeting moments, I really prefer to not be really skinny but to embrace my DNA hips and bosoms and small waist (thank you, marmie for this gift).
I haven't put too much energy into any of this as it as unfolded because I was being gentle on myself. I realize I was going through a lot emotionally and I didn't want to put pressure on myself in other areas of my life because I felt so much pressure with trying to get pregnant. We were already trying a gazillion diets but the purpose was not to lose weight but to be clean and fertile.
Now that Cedar is in my life, I am more aware of this extra weight and really feel it. My energy levels are not what they used to be pre-fertility journey. Neither is my motivation to exercise and be fit. Two things that used to be a huge priority to me in my life in order to stay balanced emotionally and spiritually. My life is so full now taking care of a 20 pound little boy, keeping up the house, trying to manage my business and nurture my creativity. I need this extra energy. I need to feel better in my skin.
So, that's where I've been with it...knowing I need to make a few changes and being okay with that. But then a dark cloud hit and all this mucky muck surfaced and I fell into a head space that was spinning negatively. A few of my dearest friends have recently lost a lot of weight. Both of them on diets that take a lot of work physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was so stoked for them not only because they felt better in their skin but they needed it for their health and well being.
Of course me being the curious one, I thought to myself..."let me try, let me try!!!". And I did. I tried both diets and I just couldn't stick with them. The most recent one really rocked my world. I was set on doing it for three months because that is what my friend has done and its worked wonders for her. Four days into it, I was crying in my huge bowl of salad. The 6th one I had eaten in three days. I felt like my body was rejecting what I was putting in. Not because of withdrawal but because I am so in touch with my body and I knew it was telling me this wasn't right. I felt exhausted and depressed and moody and unhappy. My blood sugar felt screwed up. I was basically a weepy mess and my husband was concerned. So, we had a long talk yesterday morning and it all came pouring out.
As the feelings spilled, I realized yet again, I have such healing to do in regards to my fertility journey. Month after month friends suggested treatments that worked for them in regards to getting pregnant. Whether it was a diet or a meditation or what not and of course I tried it and of course it never worked. It always ended with a feeling of being left behind for me. Of course now in retrospect, they weren't supposed to work because Cedar was supposed to be my son and K was supposed to carry him and not me. So, I of course thought I was healed from those left behind feelings.
Not yet, I suppose. Once again, a few diets that have worked for my friends, didn't work for me and it resurfaced all of those feelings of failure and feeling left behind that I had felt before. I know these feelings aren't true. I know based on the outcome of my fertility journey that there is something so very perfect for me, for my body chemistry and it will all make sense in the end. What I just realized, I suppose, is there is healing to be done and gentleness to be had in regards to all of this.
There are moments when I can tap into the light within me and not focus on the extra weight I feel. Moments where I see what others see. Moments where I carry myself with confidence and strength and love and realize that this is where it is all at. Its not about my size...its about my heart and spirit.
The other day I was browsing around in the funky boutique. There was a tall beautiful Arabic man gracefully walking from fixture to fixture straightening all of the clothes. I remember I felt beautiful that day and I hadn't felt that way in a long time. I had taken time to curl up my hair and put on my new anthro shirt layered over a silk slip and linen pants. I felt a light about me. The weight of the world was off of my shoulders for a moment. I was feeling so very present and grateful. He approached me and fanned his hands up and down the air in front of me and said "I like how you are!!!" I giggled and then we giggled and I thanked him, letting him know how wonderful it was to hear this.
He didn't say "you are beautiful" or "what a great outfit". He said "I like how you are!". It was such an all encompassing compliment that meant so much more than something surface. I will never forget those words because it helped remind me that beauty is so within and when you FEEL good, no one looks at your extra 20 pounds. They look at the light inside of you and how you carry yourself and express yourself. I think this is why sometimes I can pull my extra 20 lbs off in my world but most of the time, it gets to me because sadly enough, it is rare these days that I feel balanced emotionally like I did in that boutique.
But I am coming back and one of my dearest hot foodie friends is going to help me create a "Love Myself" lifestyle change (she loathes the word diet) that includes lots of pleasure and fun and creativity. Just the way Boho likes and needs it! We are all so unique, aren't we? Its okay that one thing works for one and not the other, although I do realize there are basics that are needed in all things. We are never left behind. We just need to open our eyes to the different path that is meant just for us. I look forward to this new juicy path.