its the journey, not the destination*

The other day I was walking on the grass at the park with Cedar. I had my iPhone ready to capture some moments of him during play. I ended up tripping a bit on a wee hole and falling. My phone went flying. I heard the camera go off. This image above is what was captured. The red you see are my favorite pair of pants that I live in. The flare is from the sun. I think you can see a whirl of green grass even.  So much beauty captured before landing to the ground.  Which reminds me of a quote.  "Its the Journey, not the destination...".

I am sure some of you have sensed by my quietness here and what I have shared that there has been a lot going on with our Boho Family.  Just a lot.  There has been some heavy emotional terrain within my immediate family that my sensitive heart has taken on.  Then there has been Boho Boy and his health not being where he needs it to be with a chronic sinus infection, kidney stones and a bladder infection.  We are information geeks and he is most comfy with holistic treatments, so that takes energy to find what suits his body and to continue to be mindful of what could be causing this for him.  Then there is our precious Cedar and the entrance into his two years on this earth where his body and mind are growing fast beyond his communication skills.  A space where he needs to release all these new sensations physically and emotionally and unless we are fully present, there is an abundance of emotion expressed.  He is our spiritedly passionate, wild, sprite, gnome boy who deeply wants others to be in his imaginary world...right there with him and he senses when we're not.  ; )  I think because of all this, preparing to uproot ourselves into a new home and a few other things, I feel like I am always on the verge of having a cold.  That achy, tired, sore throaty feeling.  Sometimes it goes away only to come back later that evening or the next day.  Having both Celiac since birth and endometriosis, two auto immune disorders, I know this means I don't have the most stellar immune system.  Usually when there are big things going on for me emotionally, my body absorbs it and releases it through a bit of illness.   I usually know what to do to prevent such things but with all this whirly stuff going on, I have to be honest in that my focus hasn't been on taking the best care of myself.  We've all been there.  These seasons within our bodies and the ebb and flow of self care depending on how much energy we can give ourselves.  I think those periods of time when it feels this way is called Survival Mode.

So this brings me to my e-course.  My husband and I sat down the other night and got a bit real with something we've been trying to ignore.  Registrations for my e-course are coming up and neither one of us feel as prepared as we had planned.  On his end, he is designing a gorgeous feature for my Nectar Girls and has not had enough time to finish it.  He had to take on a few more clients for his database design business in order to build up his clientele for when he goes independent and the work load is greater than he had envisioned.  On my end, with all that has been going on, I wondered how I would guide so many soulful women to get in touch with their nectar, when mine was feeling undernourished.  Throughout my life journey, it has been so important for me to remain authentic and when I teach this course, I need to be in alignment with the truth that I am sharing.  There are so many elements to this course that are nourishing and what I need to do in order to feel in a place to teach is to make them my practice and reconnect with my own nectar.

So many fears surfaced about me postponing my course.  I worried that many of you would lose interest and not be there when I finally felt ready.  I felt a bit like I had failed myself, failed you...and my vision.  The hours following that discussion with my husband, I wasn't very gentle with myself.  When I get like this, I put a call out to my soul sisters to help me clear the muck, quiet the voices that are false and get back to my truths.  One of them said to me; "I think one of the many reasons so many of us admire you is because you always honor what's right for you. This is just another example of you honoring the space you are in." and another said "You are wise and brave and you are teaching more by doing this than you ever could by teaching about nourishment when you yourself were undernourished!" Man, I felt so loved and understood and blessed to be surrounded by gentle teachers.  Their support confirmed so much to me what my heart was aching to say to myself, to all of you.  I just want to always keep it real and I couldn't pretend in order to live up to what was expected of me.  When I shared it with my sister last night, she said that she had a feeling it would be too much but what I love about her is that she allows me to figure it out on my own. Another friend reminded me of being on an airplane and the flight attendants telling us to put our oxygen masks on first before we put them on our children. I need to breathe first before I can help another breathe.

I also feel so deeply that this journey I am currently walking on will become part of my course.  As I am shifting and evolving through this process, so will what I share with you.  The timing will be just what it is supposed to be.  I don't know when yet but as soon as i begins to feel right, I will announce the new date.  We are imagining mid Summer, after our move.

Just as in the photo above, the unplanned, unexpected and down right messy can turn out to be quite beautiful because our lives are about the journey and not the destination. This time, this ebb, this mess... is all part of that beauty.