learning morsels of love*

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"...the wind has a purpose - to rattle the window panes, disturb the cat and make me miss you..." ~ john geddes, a familiar rain

It has been a week where I have had no choice but to be fully in the moment with my deeply sensitive boy.  My husband has not been well and has been in and out of doctor visits, tests and scans.  He is surfacing and is closer to wellness but whether we tell our son details or choose to share lightly, Cedar feels it all regardless.  My sister has been unwell and in and out of the hospital too and had to postpone her visit out here for a few weeks.  Any kind of transition is so hard for him and add that to people he is deeply connected to being ill, well its been a highly emotional week. 

He channeled all of his love and ache into a furry little caterpillar that he found on our land.  He expressed that he wanted it for a pet and I explained to him why caterpillars need to be in the wild, for nourishment and for transformation (just like us!).  He asked if he could keep it for just one day, to make a pretty home for it, so that he could have it near and he could tell it stories.  "Just one day, mommy." So, we created a pretty home for it in a blue mason jar and he indeed held the jar and told his new soulmate caterpillar stories.  All Cedar every really wants is for his stories to be heard.  He has so many of them.


The next morning I sat him down and once again explained why we had to set the caterpillar free.  He understood but he ached deep and he cried for three hours, in my bosom, on the couch, outside on our porch...he sat there tears streaming down his face, speaking out to our plants and flowers, wherever the caterpillar now roamed and shared his feelings. "I miss you. Please come back."  It was heart wrenching to see his pain.  We talked about how deeply his love for this caterpillar was.  That it takes such courage and selflessness to set a loved one free when you know they will be happier and grow more moving on from you.  

I thought about when I left for Texas in my mid twenties and again for Santa Barbara in my late twenties and again and again... my gypsy travels and how it broke my parents heart for me to be far but also how they knew I needed it for growth, I needed to be set free to find myself, to connect to life around me.  I will never take for granted how selfless that was for my parents and the rest of my family (who loves to be near to one another and migrated together from back east to northern california in the 60's). I know one day I will have to move through the emotions of Cedar taking flight as well.  

So Cedar learned such big morsels about love this week.  That it comes with letting go.  It comes with trust and surrender.  It comes with pain.  His daddy being unwell.  His auntie being unwell and having to change her trip.  His caterpillar needing to be set free.  Our sensitive boy felt the intensity of all of this in heaps of tears.  He even asked me to take photos of his tears so he would never forget.  Oh my!  


He and one of his dearest soul-friends chose ritual to work through it.  He drew the caterpillar some pictures.  He asked his nanny to help write the caterpillar a note and hung it near a lego home he built for it to sleep in at night on our porch so the caterpillar would stay warm. 

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Then they whispered wishes into their hands and sent them off into the echoes of the wind.  Cedar said "For me, I wish you were here with me but for you, I wish you to be happy."  Sigh.

{{good thing we are getting a puppy in a few weeks. ; )  more on that soon.  and my dear sweet parents sent cedar a caterpillar to butterfly kit...which will heal his heart so to witness the transformation process we shared with him!}}