our life through her eyes*

Our dear Brit Beauty came to our home for some respite in between her book tour. It felt good to offer her a space where she had no expectations or places to be or people to meet. Although this brave introvert loves that part of connecting on her travels and teaching her workshops and at gatherings, she also loves the feeling of lounging in pajamas and home and family...just. like. me.

As she spent a few days witnessing my new life here, it was such a gift to see some of it through her eyes. I felt she captured part of us that not many get to see. Above are all images captured with her iPhone that I wanted to share. My next post will be images of her visit through my eyes.

ps. Cuteness overload for the day: Cedar calls Susannah "P'sanna". Omg.

lavender farm*

red barn lavender farm

When I was in my late twenties, I lived in downtown Pleasanton (Northern California).  It was an old house turned into 4 apartments.  I lived in the one at the top and directly across from me was my best friend from younghood.  She was newly married and looking for a place to live and as soon as that spot opened up, I was on it.  It was our dream.  We had always joked about living near one another the rest of our lives, literally next door...so we were able to live that dream for a good year or so.  Often as we were bustling about getting ready, we would open the door and say good morning, have a little chat, close the door, begin our days.  I remember clearly one time she had wanted to show me the first published copy of Real Simple magazine.  I had just got one too and was thrilled about this new magazine.  There we sat on the bench seat between our apartments, flipping through our copies.  What drew us in the most was the cover page.  It was a lavender farm somewhere back East.  The four or so page spread was about a couple who were deeply entrenched into the corporate world, wealthy and living a gorgeous life in the city.  But they began to feel a bit empty and decided together to take a leap, leave the corporate life, as well as their finely coiffed home and buy a farm in the country.  Their little green cottage sat in the middle of massive amounts of lavender.  In their workshop, they made lavender-everything to sell in their darling little store.  People would come from miles away to walk the fields and pick their own bunches. Amy, my friend, and I sat and dreamed about what that would be like.  The image of their cottage surrounded by lavender made such an impression on me.  I think of it so often and have since been attracted to lavender and dreamed of planting loads of it near my home.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I heard from our local friend Forest that he met the owner of a similar lavender farm about 20 minutes from here.  For months I've wanted to go and for some reason it never worked out but finally, FINALLY was able to go when my sister was here last week.

When we pulled up, it was utterly dreamy. The couple that owns the farm were walking down their lavender draped hill with a wheel barrow full of multi colored purple bundles they had just picked and tied. They waved to us with their garden gloved hands and pointed where we should park. Each of them greeted us with gentle smiles. We got a bit of a tour and the history. The gentleman went on to share that there were many species of lavender plants and the light pink ones were the most fragrant and the ones most used for essential oils in products. I had no idea there was such a thing as light pink lavender! It ended up being my most favorite.

So we were handed scissors and ties and sent off to walk the fields and cut our own bunches. Cedar was so enchanted. Especially at the bees and how gentle they were. I caught him crouched down observing their dance on the flowers. At one point he went off by himself to a patch of dirt and when I approached and sat near him, I noticed he planted a lavender stem into the ground. "I'm planting more, mama".

The energy in those fields was so tranquil and lingered with us. The drive home was lavender scent soaked and my sister hung our bunches on a string above the kitchen table. Now over a week later, I have placed the dried lavender in our old vintage bottles and mason jars scattered throughout the house.

Boho Boy and I are now dreaming up our own hill of lavender behind our house. I had a wee bit of practice at the blue cottage. If any of you have tips on growing lavender, I am all ears.

Notice the light pink beauties on my shelf?

"is this life bringing?"

the beloved rain.

The last few weeks with our move, unpacking, settling in, my sisters visit and how full we kept every single hour of her time here with us, I haven't had much time to venture online.  Its been so very long since I've peeked into the hills and valleys of the internets (that word makes me giggle) and what waves of deep wisdom, insight and inspiration are flowing through.  This morning I had a bit of quiet time to myself, unexpectedly so.  I woke up earlier than usual and tip toed downstairs (which is not an easy feat given our very old stairs crackle SO LOUD).  I poured my sacred cup of coffee and snuggled up near the fire and wiped the dust off of my laptop before I opened the door to Narnia.

Mmmm...oh how the softness and simplicity I am wanting so deeply to manifest in my life can easily become overwhelmed with the energies flowing around in the virtual space that sits on my lap and beyond.  Oh how loud it can feel at times in the midst of my quieter spirit and voice.  It is just the space I am in. Right now I am so hyper aware and conscious of how I process these voices.  I know deeply that it is all about me and a process I am going through.  Its not about anyone else or anything else but just what I am needing in my life, how I am wanting to offer love and receive love, how I am yearning to tell my story in a way that feels true to my own heart.  Embracing my slower, quieter way of being and sharing in the midst of a faster and fiercer realm.  It is so many things, really and I know it is my own path to walk.  My own journey to find a place in the midst of it all.  My journey to surrender to and embrace the tenderness, mercy, humility, authenticity and gentle warrioress-ness that my heart beats to.

So often when doubts begin to rush in and I need to feel not alone and to be understood and seen, I seek wisdom from my dear friend Rain (shown in image above).  This morning she shared with me a question she often asks herself when doubt enters in; "Is this life bringing?"  Mmmmm...yes, oh yes...that resonated so deeply.  What is it, who is it...that brings me life?  It reminds me so much of something my sister once asked of me because she knows I am a very FEELing person. "Check in with how you feel in this moment, how your heart is beating, keep note of when you feel peace and when you do not, when you feel anxiousness and when you feel ease."

These questions help bring me back to center when moments begin to feel cloudy or noisy and it is hard to hear my own voice and feel my own heart.  THAT is the very space I am allowing myself to be in right now.  A space of quiet so that I can hear deeper as I am so sensitive to others thoughts and emotions, mine so often become lost to me.

Rain sent this to me today and it is an exercise that created such a peace in my heart and helped me come to a place of knowing much sooner than usual.  It is something I want to paint on my wall with the most beautiful handwriting.  It is something I want to share with all of you.  I hope you spend more time on her website.  She is so true blue and uniquely her.  I am grateful for this exercise she wrote...

The Soul Journey

1. Take a deep breath.

That’s it. Breathe deep, as deep as you can, and before you let it out long and slow, I want you to hold your breath. Just for a moment. Hold it for a heartbeat. You can even close your eyes.

That suspension? The quiet place of in-between?

That is where you begin.

Life begins and ends with breath. We forget to breathe and lose our way, but we can always come home to that quiet place. We gain composure and find rest and strength in its steady rhythm. As you breathe, imagine pulling life-nectar up, up out of the deepest parts of your stomach and drawing it, with intention, into your lungs. After you feel your lungs expand, exhale all goodness and healing into the world, and begin again. Breathe without ceasing. Let this become your prayer.

No matter where you are, you can always begin again with breath.

{And this is grace.}

2. Become aware.

As you incorporate patterns of slow, deep, and steady breathing, begin to feel yourself rippling outwards, like water, from your center. Your center holds the core of you, your essence. This is where you commune with God. Your energy is rooted here, your intuition and instinct, and your own sacred presence.

With each rippling, ask yourself things like:How do I feel in my body right now? When I breathe, what do I taste in my mouth? What do I see around me? What is happening in my space? You can start with whatever immediately surrounds you, like the way air feels on your bare skin (cold? sharp? gentle? nurturing?) or how your favorite coffee mug feels in your hand (is it earthy, or slim and sleek? Does its smooth porcelain rim invite caressing?) and work outwards. Practicing this awareness is like gently rousing a sleeping loved one.

Remember: you can breathe slow, steady rhythms, even in chaos. And as you breathe, become aware of all that surrounds you. This awareness precedes your awakening.

3. Awaken.

Sometimes we don’t know that we’re not awake, and we stumble around in circles fighting the same old things, over and over, for years. It is important to awaken gently. Will you go to a mirror for me right now? As you face your reflection, what do you see?

For this next step, and for the rest of your life, I want you to begin seeing yourself as Soul. You are not what you see in the mirror; your skin and hair and wrinkles and lusciousness ~ the curves that aren’t where they are supposed to be, and the extra curves which don’t belong ~ this is the glorious vehicle which carries your soul as you sojourn on earth.

And the beautiful thing about this? As you ripple and flow outwards, you will begin to see others as souls, too. Your children? Eternal souls poured into skin that looks like yours, with perhaps a little more energy, but ageless just the same. Your lover? Sacred, multifaceted soul matched to the sacred multi-facets of yours. Your loud neighbor? The alcoholic? The addict?

The world is full of Souls who forget they are.

Remember: your adventure is to come alive. And your shimmering spirit will cause others to hunger for a life essence like yours; you will ignite and inspire, and through being, you will draw others to life, maybe for the very first time.

This labyrinth doesn’t end, really. This means there will always be deep mysteries for the uncovering and places to rest along the way. As you go, keep in mind this secret of mine which will help you make wise choices. You can use this in everything—how to feed your body, the vehicle for your soul; what relationships to invite close, how you spend your time.

Sufi poet Rumi teaches, Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When you can suspend thoughts of condemnation or judgment and be present in your body, you will know what is right for you. And in this place of being, ask yourself—regarding any situation—"Is this life-bringing? Does this bring life to me?"

Whatever is right for you, whatever is the way for you, will always bring life.

love,
Hillary Rain

boho girl of yellow gables*

Those of you that have been coming to this space for years know how much I adore Anne of Green Gables and how those stories are held in my heart. How when I was a teenager, my best friend and I vowed we would marry men like Gilbert Blithe and one of the things I adored about him was how he pronounced "sorry" (soar-ree) in that yummy Canadian way. And here I am, married to a Canadian and seriously, all he needs to do when I am feeling blue is say "sorry" and my heart melts. I even find myself pronouncing it that way having lived with him for so long. ; )

As much as I've known for over a year now, walking by it nearly every day, that this yellow home has gables, it wasn't until I stood back to take this photo that I realized "Oh! I LIVE in a house with gables!!" Then came a big deep sigh from the deepest part of me. That part of me that believes so truly about how dreams can be manifested. Just as I dreamed about marrying a Canadian Gilbert Blithe, I also dreamed about living in a home much like the one in the Anne stories near a close community of folks and a wholesome place to raise a family.

A very thoughtful blog reader sent this link to me about an Anne & Gilbert themed wedding shoot. Aren't these images divine?

My sister Darlene is here for a 10 day visit. I unpacked most every box for her arrival and set up most rooms (most especially the guest room) so that she could feel relaxed and nourished. I have yet to put things up on the wall. I wanted to leave that for her and I to do together. When Cedar is in school, we will be shopping in antique stores to get a few shelves, side tables and dishes. I will share images of my home, as they are nearly finished. For now, I will share with you the guest room. One of the reasons why we chose this home is for the guest room. Its near the bathroom and that is so important to us for our elderly guests, as well as family that have knee or back problems. Each of our previous homes had stairs where they had to climb up and down for the bathroom and it was always so hard to see them struggle. I can finally exhale and know my guests have all the comforts they need.

Guest room:

{These walls are light pink with dark pink trim. We are not allowed to paint until we buy this home in a year. I wasn't sure how to work around pink!}

Where I am sitting on the couch in the living room as I type, this is the view out my front window.

Right now everything is so wildly WILD. Overgrown grass and rose bushes and flowers. Its hard to tell the difference between weeds or flowers or berry bushes and we've had to cut pathways to get around. Part of me adores the romance of this so and part of me worries about my son getting snagged by large prickly stems reaching out between paths. Our landlord was an avid gardener when she first moved into this home and I adore her way of thinking. So many arbors with vines and flowers growing up and out and over all things. MMMMmmmm...but it has been quite let go in her older age. This weekend we plan on walking through with her to create a space that is both mildly wild and safe for our son and his friends as they come to play. She wants us to buy this house and has taken such great care of us.

Here are some yummy images of Cedar & Auntie DD over the last few days:

{she brought cedar a box of feathers she found around her farm to start a collection. he was delighted}

{first morning together, cuddled on the couch}

{serenading cedar}

happy birthday boho boy*

{some birthday love & breakfast in bed for him}

My love's first birthday in our new yellow cottage. So much to celebrate. We are finally beginning to settle. Just a few boxes to unpack. My sister is coming on Monday, so her visit motivated me to focus on creating a space that is nourishing for all of us.

I am moved so deeply how this cottage immediately felt like hOMe. Like we have spent years here before. I feel so drawn into these walls, almost as if I can feel its heart beat and my heart expand along with it. I think subconsciously I was never able to fully root myself into our darling blue cottage and now it feels more clear to me why. To all of us.

Stories to share here very soon. One that is one of the most beautiful moments of my life: two friends...Katie & Lisa doing a Buddhist ceremony for our home as me and my two boys cuddled on the bed and witnessed something so surreal and peaceful unfold.

But first...happy birthday to my dream boat.

{my boys eating breakfast and telling stories on one of our first mornings here}

moving day*

From blue house to yellow house we go!!

Also wanted to share an interview I did this week here.

Blessings.

warmth of summer solstice*

Summer solstice. Mmmmm...Summer SOULstice.

The rays of the Sun are warming our skin today. Pulsing through us the life, the comfort, the warmth, the healing into our bones.

This week has been full for us. We are moving into the yellow house and since the new home is so near, we have spent time walking things over one by one. Last night I pulled Cedar's red wagon back and forth full of books to fill up the library. Oh, there is a library! An octagon shaped room, every wall lined with book shelves. This will be Boho Boy's office but our massive collection of books will find home there. Tomorrow is the moving truck and so it begins...a new beginning...once again.

On this Solstice, I am taking pause in the midst of the chaos. Stepping out to let the Sun, the Sol, wrap me up and let the grass growing so quickly from its rays tickle my toes. This day has such divine timing for me. I needed a reason to be reminded to stand still, just as the Sun does on this day.

There has been so much transformation in my life since moving here. Much of it has come from me pulling back, hushing the noise and allowing my heart to speak to me and honor its guidance. This quiet has been healing but it can also feel lonely at times. I know it is my choice. And it is my choice because I began to recognize how overwhelming the internet and social media were feeling to me. How I felt pulled in so many directions and it would cause me distraction from my present home life. At times I felt the pressure to be louder than I am when what my heart needs at this time in my life is a soft and gentle place to land. I just came to an awareness that I am deeply sensitive to energies and whether they are in person or on the web, I still feel them intensely. So in order to do my personal soul work through this, I needed quiet. I feel like I am almost there. I am learning so much about what I need. What feels good in my heart and what doesn't. I feel I am able to listen to my intuition more keenly. Learning how to love who I am and how I am and come to a place where I can exist a gentle warrior in a fiercer world. But the process hasn't been easy. It has been laden with spiraling down into self doubt, second guessing, comparison and rejection. All the icky hurty mucky stuff that surfaces when you are cleansing and clearing your life of things that are not healthy for you. I suppose I could compare it to the symptoms of a detox but one of the heart. The energy it took to decipher which voices were my truth and which were not felt massive but this burden is lifting and my heart is opening.

Yesterday afternoon when my boys went on an errand, I sat on the bottom of our steps. I took some deep breaths and reveled in the quiet of my home, looked around at what we had created and allowed the tears to fall. As we are packing up this beautiful cottage and starting new, it feels so much in alignment with how my heart feels. I let my eyes drift to the branch lightly tapping the window in front of me and the Sun shining through the leaves. I prayed in that moment. I heard myself say "I cannot do this alone" and I rested my head on the wall beside me on the stairwell. I felt like it was a surrender. I've pulled in deep and it was needed. Now I feel like I am ready and slowly open to trust again and believe that I can create an environment for me and my family that feels nourishing in love, light and spirit. That I can listen more intently if something doesn't feel right without the pressure to make it work just because my heart is so tender and big. I can channel that tenderness and bigness into those that truly see me and can offer this tenderness back. I can channel it into peaceful endeavors that breathe life into me not take energy from me. It is possible.

I went out to our backyard and this deer was sitting there...

This friend did not move when I approached. I walked towards it gently, wondering if it would run but it just sat there, staring into my eyes. I paused and breathed in and thanked the deer for reminding me. Ah yes, this is my Year of the Deer. My year of gentleness. I talked to the deer for a while, it tilted its head. I moved closer and it got up but it didn't run out of our yard through the large hole in the fence between us and our neighbor. It walked around the yard close to me. I walked in a circle and it walked in the circle with me. It felt like a dance of sorts. And I wondered if what the deer was telling me was that I will be surrounded by this energy if I remain clear that it is what I need.

Later in the evening a few gentle souls reached out to me out of the blue.  I didn't realize how much I needed that connection. I shared with one of them about the deer and she responded..."see. that is the real stuff. that is what helps define you. that beauty that is your being."  and again...tears fell.

All I had to whisper from my lips at the bottom of those steps was..."I cannot do this alone...".

Mmmmm...Summer Solstice, deer visits and warmth from loved ones. Such divine timing.

why he is the perfect daddy for cedar.

happy father's day!

xo

Susannah Conway: this i know*

{her beautiful book, all photos in this post are by susannah}

7-ish years ago, I remember laying with Susannah, side by side, my limbs curled up to her limbs, dreaming about how her journey through grief and healing needed to be put out into the world. I knew from her first brave blog post that her stories would be beautifully bound for many to hold in their hands and press gently against their hearts. Yes, a book that all who knew and loved her were certain she needed to write. And she did. And its here. And its launched! And my happiness for her is permeating from me.

Susannah has done a fun and exciting blog book tour (before she goes on her in the flesh book tour) and this space of mine is one of her stops. We decided to do a Skype interview to share a bit about her book with all of you but rather what ended up happening is us dancing down memory lane. We decided to go with the flow of our conversation and keep it down to earth, real...because that is truly the energy and vibe throughout her whole book.

In this clip, we talk about how we first met and how that was the catalyst to her beginning her own blog and how the healing process of writing and sharing her self inspired the beautiful journey she is living.

{here is the post Susannah refers to when she reached out to me the first time}

My heart feels full. As I said during our Skype session, it has been such an honor to witness her unraveling from the very raw beginning of days until the present. To witness her channel her grief, healing, self discovery and creative awakening into inspiring others to find their own way has been one of the most sacred gifts in my life. I feel a bit like a proud sister and with a lump in my throat and such deep love in my heart for her, I encourage each of you to pour through her pages. What I love most about this journey for Susannah is she never pretends to have arrived. Through her teachings and inspirations, she is constantly right beside all of us, learning and growing as she continues to unravel just like me and you.

You may order the book through Susannah’s website by clicking here. There are links on the page to Amazon (US, UK and Canada), Barnes & Noble and Chapters. Her book is also available at your local bookstore. Other places you can connect to Susannah is on her website, her ground-breaking e-courses, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest & Instagram.

la-la-love*

{jon & angela ~ boho photo engagement session, 2011}

There are a few elements to my photography that I see myself exploring. I have held a vision for quite some time. These elements, these parts of me perhaps yet to fully unfold, a slow slimmer, like most of my dreams. I close my eyes and can feel my fingers interweaving an exploration of love and spirituality and imagery and a journey shared amongst open raw hearts.

I don't know exactly what it is yet but much of this dream was inspired by the engagement session I did for my niece and her fiance last year. I had yet to capture romantic love in an intimate setting with my lens, so I was deeply honored they chose me to humbly sit back and just observe the way their hearts beat together.

In just a few days, these two beautiful people will be married. My boys and I soon fly out to California to be a witness and my heart is full of emotion. Angela (Cedar calls her Auntie La La) is so very dear to me, a kindred spirit and a soul friend. She is the daughter of my sister Darlene, who is ten years older than me, so her children feel like my brother and sister. I remember sitting across from Angela years ago when her heart was broken and this very warm and calm feeling moved through me, a knowing that she would find someone so deeply special. Someone that would see her, truly see her and honor her deeply.

A few years later, Boho Boy and I were the first in the family to meet Jon after they were dating for a while. We were house sitting for a friend in San Francisco and since they lived there, we met them for dinner. I remember opening the door to this strikingly beautiful man but what put me immediately at ease was the kindness in his eyes. He hugged me tight and it felt like home.   I sat back and observed him with her, with my husband and felt such a deep comfort and trust...that he would carry Angela's heart in a way I knew it was meant to be carried. I feel so emotional writing about this.  As my sister Darlene would say...Angela has found her penguin.

I would love if any of you feel inspired to do so, to share in this space a little slice of wisdom for this married couple to be. Or even just a love story of your own with a nugget of sage they can carry with them for their journey ahead.  This space is very near and dear to Angela's heart.  I know she will be here listening and honoring.

GIVEaway Winner*

{this is one of our favorite images of cedar taken the other day.  totally random mixture of pajamas, rubber boots, shiny funky vest and summer hat.  but more than that...its his expression, which is SO him.}

Lauren and I were so very moved by your comments.  I felt some really beautiful opening in this space, trust and surrender.  I feel your stories.  I think of them throughout my day.  I appreciate and learn from them.  We all do.  Thank you for your willingness to bare yourselves.  Healing, healing, healing.

With that said, the winner of the free spot in Lauren Luquin's ecourse Intuitive Heart Sanctuary is Amy Waltz!  Amy, Lauren will be contacting you shortly with the details.  So excited for the journey ahead for you.

Sponsor GIVEaway & Guest Post*

Greetings lovelies...

I am so grateful to Denise for allowing me to share here and have this GiveAway...

I've created an online sanctuary for women to gather as we journey inward, nourishing our spiritual roots. We will integrate concepts from various nature-based and philosophical perspectives, within the context of a Metaphysical paradigm, and bridge our understandings of Self with that of our Family, Local and World Communities.

Intuitive Heart Sanctuary is an online retreat for enhancing Self-Awareness within Community and Nature... This is an eCourse and Social Gathering all-in-one!

The Intuitive Heart Sanctuary is designed to nurture and awaken your spirit with teachings and prompts that guide you into heightened awareness and deep appreciation of all that surrounds you, including signs and symbols in nature and all the beings and events that show up on your life's path.

It’s a venue to witness what shows up as the flame brightens between us... Featuring weekly videos, podcasts, a photo gallery, engaging activities, forum discussions, complimentary and inspirational music, and lots of resources to support you as you raise your consciousness and awaken to possibility.

This space is private and password protected, and once you register you are able to set up a personal profile within the group so we all get to know each other better. Everyone is encouraged to share thoughts and photos, and highlight their own offerings and services to the group in subtle ways that make it a sustainable network for branching out and supporting one another.

The Intuitive Heart Sanctuary will begin on June 25 - August 19, 2012 for Summer Session.

Get the details and read more about my intention for this offering here at Intuitive Heart Sanctuary.

GIVEAWAY DETAILS:

One of you will be invited to join Intuitive Heart Sanctuary for free!

To Enter to win:

• Leave a comment on this post sharing one thing that has inspired you lately.
• One comment per person, please
• Comments will be open until Monday, June 4th at 10pm PST
• Winner will be announced Tuesday, June 5th

Thank YOU! _______________________________________________________

Lauren Luquin is an Artist and Ordained Minister/Practitioner of Metaphysics living in Southern, CA with her husband, 2 children, and their dog. They enjoy unschooling, urban- farming, and natural living. She shares her poetry, stories, and art on her blog at www.laurenluquin.com. You can also connect with her through Facebook or Twitter. Join Intuitive Heart Sanctuary for Summer Session at www.intuitiveheartsanctuary.com .

woman of strength*

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. So much of how I am moving through things these days is very quietly, very inner. So, for my friend to send this to me yesterday morning, having no idea what is transpiring in my world, in that moment, felt like a true-ly divine gift. A whisper of comfort, a song of validation, a nod of grace.

I think this poem is moving around the ether, so perhaps many of you have read it already but it is one of those poems you could read over and over and it would reach you right where you are every single time. I shared it with my sister yesterday, who shared it with my niece and each of us needing it deeply. This is my way of keeping it moving...

WOMAN OF STRENGTH

A strong woman works each and everyday to keep her and her family going But a woman of strength looks deep inside and to Great Spirit to keep her soul growing

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything or anyone But a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear and the unknown

A strong woman won't let anything or anyone get the best of her But a woman of strength gives the best of her to everything and everyone

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future But a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes are life's blessings and soars because of them

A strong woman walks sure footed and independently But a woman of strength knows when it is best to ask for help

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face But a woman of strength wears grace

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey But a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong

~ Rhonda Redbird © 2011

our something unexpected. our little miracle.

My husband and I watched this trailer tonight. We both were teary eyed by the end. I was so moved by it that I wanted to share it with all of you.

Sometimes, well, most times, it feels like Cedar came into our life in such a magical way that is hard to describe but this movie, the energy and meaning behind it, truly emulates so many emotions I carry with me as his mother.

What really touched me deep in this trailer is when Timothy is standing in front of a row of friends and asked "So, you all came from your mom's tummies? How was that?" With such an innocent curiosity, from a place of not feeling left out or left behind or a longing and wishing he had come to his parents that same way.  How deeply we hope Cedar will feel this secure about his journey to us and comfortable being open about his own birth story.

It is so important to me he is deeply aware that just like in this film, we conceived him in our hearts and dreams and his beautiful birth mother was the fertile soil that brought him to life.

The symbolism of this movie moves me so: The hope that it offers those that so deeply ache to have a child and the possibility that your child can come to you in ways you least expect.

in the present, here with you.

Such a super sleepy video but there is a question at the end. ; )

one wish*

I remember this moment (above) when I crouched down behind these wild flowers and watched my boys inhale and exhale, gaze in silence and honor the stillness that lay before them. I remember thinking that this sometimes is what prayer and giving thanks to us has become.

what my boys were seeing.

I read this quote today that really moved me deep...

“The primary purpose of prayer is not to make requests. The primary purpose is to praise, to sing, to chant. Because the essence of prayer is a song, and man cannot live without a song." ~ Abraham Joshua Heschel

Many people I know (me included) can at times be uncomfortable with prayer or meditation. Sometimes we just don't know where to start, especially if long periods of time have passed. Sometimes we imagine it needs to be about wanting or needing something and that can often lead to guilt. But what seems to lend such freedom to it all is that prayer doesn't have to be about a long list of needs or wants and meditation doesn't need to only be about emptying our mind. I believe so strongly that it can simply be a form of release and connection. A song. A chant. A humming. A silence. A gaze. To the One your faith, your spirit and your own unique heart song wants to connect with. And ah yes, we as living beings do need song. Whether it comes from the root of our belly and out our mouths or if we are listening and connecting to it through another source. Mmmmm...and to open up our minds to see and feel this as prayer. It all just makes so much sense to me.  It seems less complicated, more simple and a beautiful and safe place to start.

Requests and wishes are also human nature. Today I came across this image I took a few weeks ago and had an idea to use it as a sacred opening here in my space for those who need to make a wish. Close your eyes, what comes to mind? It can be grand or simple. Selfloving or selfless. I have always felt it was so important to put a voice to our wishes and dreams. If prayer and meditation is mostly about song, then these sweet dandelions can be about wishes. Because we need those too. ; )

My wish for today: That the darling family we connected with end up moving into our home when we move next door. Its in the works and we are all hoping it comes together with the landlord & property management company. I am learning what it is to have community with neighbors. Its one of the reasons we moved here and it is changing my life in very unexpected ways.

What is your wish?

lighter lily love*

{all images in this post are of me last week wearing custom made feather earrings & feather in a bottle necklace from one of my blessed sponsors and new dear friend, laura at roots & feathers}

Firstly, happy Mama's Day to those who mother in all the beautiful and nurturing ways we can be mothering spirits to one another.

I begin this story with the disclaimer that I am calling the upper part of my body "lilies" not only because that is what we used to call them growing up in a household of four females but also to not draw spam or lurker-loos to this post. ; )

Anyone that knows me intimately or has been reading my blog since day one of putting myself out here in this space, knows that I am a lover of a woman's shape. I have always been drawn to it in my photography and was inspired by it in my pastel drawings. You can still find me sketching the hills and valleys, dips and skinscapes when I allow myself some quiet time to write or scribble while talking on the phone. Embracing various shapes is part of my upbringing as a Portuguese/French woman surrounded by my marmie, sisters, aunts, cousins, grannies and nieces that most always were confident in their skin no matter what size or shape.

I've shared much about my journey with my own shape here in this space. How I have always had curves and it was just so much a part of the fabric of my being. When it became a bit tender and vulnerable for me was following my fertility journey, when I saw my body shift and change and without a pregnancy or a birth to channel that acceptance. Many of my loved ones encouraged me and within my own heart, it helped to just believe that even though I didn't carry Cedar in my womb or birth him, my body grew wider, softer and went through the motions because he was so much my spirit baby. That offered comfort to me.

Many of you know that throughout our five years of trying to conceive, most of our intentions were to bring our child into our lives naturally: Herbs, meditation, tinctures, therapy, acupuncture, you name it, we poured ourselves into it. But for 5 months out of the 5 years, we tried the Western approach. I was put on clomid and HCG shots for 5 months and we did artificial insemination. Our insurance did not cover any of the costs because at the time my husband was a sexy librarian for a Catholic high school and we learned the hard way that the Catholic faith does not believe in messing with God's plan (ache. ouch. sigh). So if we didn't get pregnant naturally and needed to get out a loan for 25K, we were going to choose adoption rather than IVF because we knew we could only afford to try it once and well, our hearts needed a sure thing. ; ) At that point, we were open to whatever would bring us to our child. We have/had no judgements on any choice be it Eastern or Western but with my history, I had always noticed my body responded better to natural methods of healing. This was proven after I took clomid and the HCG shot. Suddenly, a few months after being treated, I had endometriosis. If I indeed had it before (I was never diagnosed), this medication made it 10 times worse. Suddenly, I had blood filled cysts on my ovaries, more painful cycles, I gained 15 pounds within a few months and my lilies grew from a D to a G. It was a fast transformation and it took my heart some time to catch up with it. Once we had Cedar, I put all my energy into him and tried my best to take care of each of our bodies with holistic nourishment in all forms.

Over the past few years, I began to get back, shoulder and neck pain. It hurt to walk around without a lily supporter on and if I tried to exercise, I would have to wear 2 lily supporters (thank you all for hanging in there with me and these fun words!). 5.5 years into living this way, the weight and the pain started to get so cumbersome that I did research about lily reduction.  My husband was so very supportive about me connecting with a doctor in the nearest city to just share my journey and gain some clarity, so we made an appointment with one of the top surgeons in the Pacific Northwest.

My boys and I took a trip to Seattle. They went to a really fun toy store and I went to an appointment. I remember sitting in the waiting room. Me in my layered clothes and Uggs and long dreadlocks and not at all feeling like I fit in with the rest of the women looking so put together and coiffed. But we all looked at one another, nodded, warmly smiled and felt this collective support because I know each of us were there for vulnerable reasons. When the doctor first met me in a private room, he shook my hand and said "Well you're going to be refreshing!" and at that moment, I felt he was a kindred spirit. We talked about our children and our spouses and he sat knee to knee with me in such a gentle and kind manner. I opened up with him about our fertility journey and how I responded to the hormones and of course the emotions came flowing as the story poured forth. He lightly touched my knee and I will never forget the kindness, the warmth in his eyes. "Denise, I want to reassure you that you are not alone. Many of my patients find themselves here after fertility journeys (loved that he picked up on my language). I know you never thought you'd end up here in my office but let me share with you what has happened to your body." He then went onto say that some women, those that do not respond well to synthetic hormones, can get extra tissue growth. Hence, how quickly my endometriosis spread around my reproductive organs and how my lilies grew so large, so fast and full of dense tissue rather than fat. Dense tissue is very heavy and this is where the aches and pain started for me. This is why I began to walk a bit hunched over and why the top of my shoulders have dents and bruises from the pulling. Many didn't notice my size because I chose to wear a lily supporter that was many sizes too small to pack it all in there so that it wouldn't hurt so much.

I think you know where this story is going. Walking out of his office, I felt so validated and the choice was not hard to make. The drive home when I shared it all with my husband he could see the lightness in my spirit and the freedom of sweet validation in my sing song voice. My surgery was set for a few months later and the extra tissue growth that formed from the hormones is no longer a part of my lilies and my natural form is back to the way it was pre-fertility drugs. I am now 14 days post operation and I am still healing physically but emotionally I have felt such a beautiful transformation.

Many of the loves in my life have been so poetic about this choice:  How moving to the Pacific Northwest, choosing to be a bit unplugged from the internet and being more present with my boys and my family, these lifestyle changes, shifts and choices I am making to live a year of gentleness are all connected. That it all is a metamorphosis of sorts. That I have cocooned when first moving here and now I am surfacing lighter...LIGHTER and shedding, letting go of so much that does not resonate with my heart, my body, my soul.

Its so so true. Thanks to my VERY selfless and helpful mother in-law, my dear husband and my sensitive and tender 3.5 year old, the past few weeks I have been given permission to fully REST and lay and meditate and sleep and not lift much of a finger. During this time of healing, it has all become much clearer to me. I am feeling more and more at hOMe in my skin, literally...and in my heart and I look forward to sharing much of that here in this space. I have unplugged from Facebook, from Instagram so that I can keep some things sacred, focus deeper in the present and in my close relationships and on some creative projects but I will not unplug from this space. I plan to be here more often to share this journey with you. I have needed to be quiet. I have needed this cocoon but oh how I feel an opening and inspiration is flowing. I am grateful to my readers and to my sponsors for totally going with my cocoon-y flow.

I realize the choice I made to lighten my lilies is not for everyone. I can imagine some will be disappointed in my choice and may have their own opinions about it and that is perfectly okay. I am attracted to and attract such earthy, elle-naturelle spirits. I get if it will not settle well with some. But I am in such a beautiful, solid and secure place about it (and so are my loved ones). It is human nature to project our own stories, thoughts and opinions onto others. I have compassion for all of it:  For people's reactions. For my own knowing and awareness.

I had many long emotional talks with my body before and after this procedure. We are in a good good space, my body and me. A good, tender-loving, nurturing place.

{I do feel it is important to share that my body's response to western fertility treatments is not an average or normal one.  I have never been able to take hormones (birth control pills, etc).  I am highly sensitive to it all, so know that, please...this is just my own story and it does not in any way mean it will happen to you if you are going down a similar path.  I have known many women that have been united with their children through the miracle of Western approaches and their bodies responded beautifully and were perfectly healthy.  Of course with all things fertility related, consult your healers/practitioners}

quiet mind.

This morning I am sitting here snuggled up in our big green chair. The blinds on all the windows pulled up, front door to the mud room/dining room open. Cool breeze tickling my cheeks. Flowers in bottles and vases and pictures surround me. Some from our yard. Some from our neighbors. Some from a local flower shop. My mother in law is here visiting and I hear her sipping her black coffee while tickity tacking away on her laptop, catching up on some of her work. She is here to take care of me, to take care of us while I am recouping from surgery (will share about this in next post). Cedar is still sleeping upstairs in his bedroom. He's been sleeping longer these days, growing taller each morning. We got him a new puppet a few days ago and are anticipating opening his door with this monster puppet when he wakes. He'll have a new friend this morning. I don't remember the last time my heart felt this at peace. Not only my heart but my mind...quiet. Quiet mind. I wasn't sure if that was possible for me. Being a bit more unplugged has helped with this but so has less television and more toes in the grass and fingers in the dirt and inviting interesting neighbors over for dinner last minute and sinking into their stories.

And I have some stories to tell you. MMMmmm...yes, I do and I will in the next post but for this morning, I wanted to share with you a few images from tiny corners of my world right now.

Oh, and all but one of my dreads have been combed out. Finally combed the remaining few out last week before surgery. I am savoring one. My tiniest dread underneath. I will carry my favorite bead on it. I just had to keep one. Just one.

I hope you feel the peace I am sending out to each of you. Deep breath...slow and clear and fresh...exhale...and Om.

heart flutters*

fireside dinner in our front yard, taken a few nights ago

I've been feeling quiet lately.  I think its just all part of this movement flowing through my life.  A movement of cocooning and healing and being mindful of where I put my energy and what kind of energy I allow into my life.  Its been so so good for me to keep it simple and present. So so good.

Here are a few things that are filling my heart with flutters these days...

Dreaming of the new yellow house we'll be living in this coming July and how I want to a create a nourishing, earthy, calm and inspiring space for my family and visitors.  Amused at how excited I get about dreaming up and designing a home.

Researching what it would be like to have chickens and goats.  There are some pretty darling homes you can build for them!  We went to an animal farm in Victoria, BC last year and got to sit with baby goats and cuddle and pet them.  It was there I learned that if you decide to have a goat in your family, you should have two because they need the company.  Hmmm...just like us, yes?  A lot to learn and a lot of work but its been fun to imagine the possibility of extending our family in this way. ; )

Looking into a studio space for me to put in our new backyard this Summer.  Something barn shaped and wide with lots of light.  My husband surprised me by purchasing this eBook because I want to experiment with painting furniture.  I love love to explore antique shops and oh that furniture from Anthropologie and Sundance makes me swoon.  Can you imagine doing that kind of stuff yourself?  I know.  I can too.  So, here I go.

I have fallen in love with using words for decor.  So far I have "Read" for our library/office.  "Dream" for our bedroom and "Gather" for our kitchen.  It adds such a fun touch.  Also loving the idea of poetry on a wall.

Whole Food Meal Plans is my saving grace these days.  At the end of the week I get a list of 5 recipes that I use for dinners, a few deserts and a fun weekend food project with a grocery list to gather up the goods for the next week.  Every single meal has been mouth watering...and I mean that and I am PICKY.  Usually when I try a particular way of eating and follow a book of recipes, I only like a few.  But oh my...last night my husband and I were talking about how brilliant Nicole and Alex are.  Seriously.  Drool worthy meals and healthy too.  But the best part is not having to plan out my own meals because I'll be honest with you, that is NOT my forte.  I love to cook but the planning bit is not my gig.

Loving and embracing the rhythm with my son.  His language is exploding and imagination widening and its so fun to be brought into his world.  His new found independence is a trip to witness.  Just the little things like gardening together or me being able to work in the yard while he rides his bike around me.  Being together but doing our own thing.  Its a groove I am really cherishing these days.

The other night I moved the chairs and fire pit from our backyard into our front yard and it shifted the energy of time together around the fire.  Its now something we can share with passersby or our neighbors rather than being so closed in.  I notice we spend a lot more time out front than in the backyard anyways.  So, opening up space like this felt really good on our hearts.

Would love to hear about what is making your heart flutter these days...

winner of GIVEaway*

some beauties from lauren's shop, photo by lauren

The winner of our most recent GIVEaway is Tania who wrote:

"i am intrigued by the comments and the love that flows here on this site. your generosity is always a blessing to others. love the love and the care that has been stitched into these sacred projects."

Congrats, Tania, you will be contacted by us soon! Your kind words were felt deep.  Grateful.

Also, Lauren wanted to gift the rest of my readers a discount of 15% in her shop this next week. She was so moved by your sharings and felt heard and seen as a conscious artist. Please just add the code BOHO15 when checking out.