two passages that help me feel clearer*

clearer, self portrait

The past few weeks I've felt clearer than usual. I think its a combination of things: An awareness that this year, new age marks a greater consciousness for us humans. I have felt it in the streets and in stores when out and about. A bit more kindness and softness. More smiles and warmth exchanged. A deeper gratefulness to be here. People seem less afraid to engage in conversation. In fact just a second ago, a lovely woman sitting near me at the coffee shop leaned over and asked me a few questions. She didn't really feel like a stranger. A barista brought me my drink and he said giggling "Here's your foggie!" in reference to the London Fog steaming in my mug. We both laughed. It was such a kindred thing to say! Something I would call my drink. This is what I mean about not being strange-ers. I just feel this Universal shift of oneness. Perhaps just on a small scale right now but I have hope that these vibrations will expand out to all humanity.

Speaking of this gig of Being Human, today I read this...

poem by Rumi

Oh how this brought a newish clarity to me, even though this awareness and wisdom has lived in my heart over the years as I've navigated some ache from relationships. Recently, I felt it fully sink in on a deeper level. I needed this shift in perspective of feeling wounded to feeling grateful for that ache, pain, separation, rejection, whatever it may be between me and another human that didn't go as I had longed or hoped. "Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond."

Our pain and sorrow, our offers us compassion for those around us that may be going through something similar. It give us an opportunity to love deeper and wider...ourselves and others. It brings us to our knees so that we can reMember our strength to stand and be brave in allowing others to help lift us. So much, so much! Our pain and sorrow are gifts. Sometimes I grasp this concept immediately and the healing moves faster through my body, my heart. Sometimes, depending on the layers, it can take days, months years for me to recognize fully why I am grateful something happened the way it did.

But now I have Rumi to remind me.

And in that pain, when in the thick mucky gook of it, when we find ourselves in a spiral, there is goodness in that too.

The other day, I reached out to a friend spilling some anxieties and fears, knowing my thoughts were completely unraveling and out of my control in the moment, I said "These feelings are so unfamiliar. Am I spiraling?"

And she sent me this passage...

passage from Jack Kornfield in his book After the Esctasy, the Laundry

I felt myself lay back, arms wide open...fully embracing the spiral because spiraling is human and we all do it and how healing, how validating is it to just surrender? Surrender to the dance with an awareness that we will eventually come back to our center? And in that returning to center, we will be fuller and wiser? Sigh. Good good stuff. "In the course of this great spiral, we return to where we started again and again, but each time with a fuller, more open heart."

Mmmmm...I wanted to share these nuggets with you as they were shared with me. They offered me compassion and patience, surrender and relief for mySelf, for others and especially for those "guides" that come into my life. ; )

wintry holiday love*

Just wanted to share some images of the last few weeks. Really sinking into this season. Cocooning within the warmth of our home. I am so dearly in love with our sweet little Christmas tree. Its my favorite of all.

Been preparing our hearts and home for our dear brother (Boho Brother) to come out for two weeks with his love. It will be my first time meeting her in the flesh. Such a special time with them as we get to share Solstice, a full moon, Christmas and New Years together!

Omi left a few days ago and was here for a week. We are so grateful how our family is so sensitive to Cedar's need for less crowded spaces. At my sister's farm during Thanksgiving, we were given a huge beautiful room upstairs to go to when he needed quiet and my mother in law opted to come out earlier in December so that Cedar would have more space throughout holiday visits. I am moved to tears by our family and their support this year.

I would love to hear your plans for Solstice, Christmas and New years.

so much gratitude*

{my boys in tickle love}

I just finished packing our bags for a long weekend in Victoria, BC. Our honey*moon spot. The place we go each Summer because we are drawn to its beauty and energy. And the healthy food and yerba mate latte's are divine! ; )

Before I head out for respite and play, I wanted to come here to express my gratitude for the comments in my previous post. Gratitude for the rainbow of love, support, wisdom, websites, books, videos and most of all your own stories so bravely, vulnerably and gorgeously told. Talk about WHOLEistic goodness!! My husband and I have been truly awed. We've had to read just a few at a time, marinate in them and savor the nuggets that feel right for our hearts. I am so often brought to tears at the community of beautiful hearts that are attracted to this space and how it feels safe for not only me but for all those who feel inspired to share their own unique voice. Its such a deep and soulful practice: Hearing, listening to our own intuition while honoring wisdom from those that care deeply for us. We feel so very blessed.

Love and light to each of you this weekend. Get some good ol' tickling in!

the apples i've tasted*

our apple tree

A dear friend guided me to this and it moved me so much that I wanted to share it with all of you... “Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ~ Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

I am sitting in gratefulness for the apples I have tasted.

moon water*

Last night, I left this in the kitchen for my husband to see when getting ready for work this morning. A bit of the water was gone when I woke up. My belly felt warm inside knowing he had taken a drink before leaving and that Cedar too has taken a few sips.

This Full Moon...She has been healing.  I have felt very connected to Her this month.  Since the decision has been made to postpone my e-course until space opens up in my life to give of myself in that way, I have felt a lightness of being.  This is when I know the  decision was a right one.  Since, I have felt more present with Cedar (read: doing less dishes, laundry and emailing less, more sitting on the floor and listening, playing, communicating, observing).  I have noticed a shift in him as well.  We so pick up on one another's energy but I think it is more than that.  I think he feels more connected to me now that I am more available to connect with.

I heard something from a friend today that is the embodiment of what is transforming already for me:  When I surrender to motherhood fully and am present to these little ones, it seems like more doors open, more time appears, more creativity flows.  My energy level rises.  When I struggle with it, which is necessary to do and it part of our work, I am blocked and unhappy and tired.

I didn't realize how much the stress of taking on something that is so huge and important to me was filling up massive amounts of space in my days.  As the stress is lifting, space is opening. I feel it deep and wow, am amazed that I am walking around with a bit more energy and dare I say, inspiration! Cedar even went down for a second nap today. That is UNHEARD of around here.

It is a dear dream of mine to share my story, to gather women, to nourish, to connect and to feel and see the purpose of my journey.  There are more dreams.  I have SO many dreams.  I am a dreamer.  And for five years, I shared in this space another dream.  That dream was to be a mother.  That is one dream I AM living.  So with this one dream of mine to be the mother that Cedar needs, there may be other dreams that will still be in my heart but will patiently wait until I have the time and space to nurture them.  It could be in 6 months or 1 year or even 2 years but they will be given wings to fly.

Last night I brought my bowl of water up to the veranda.  I held it near my heart.  I gazed up at the bright and lusciously full Moon for a long while.  I took deep breaths.  I allowed myself to feel the pull of energy, the vibration and the light.  I looked down at my bowl of water and saw the reflection of the moon dancing in the soft waves.  It was then I noticed I was swaying.  I asked our Moon to bless this water with healing and calm and knowing as my family steps into this new journey:  Cleansing and preparing for an environment that is simpler, quieter and more trusting.

As the Full Moon shows Her brightness, I myself am feeling full inside. Grateful for being honest with myself.  Grateful that my husband was honest with me about his concerns.  Grateful that I have received an abundance of support and gentleness from family and friends.  Grateful for my dreams and how patient they are with me.  Grateful for remembering that I am living one of my most precious dreams.  Grateful it has been revealed to me that it is okay to slow down, to marinate and discover the creativity and coolness of being exactly where I am at today.

I am sipping this Moon Water all day in reflection and feeling these truths sink into my bones.

Gratitude Garland*

Inspired by the beautiful Amanda, the five of us sat around the table on Christmas Eve and created our own Gratitude Garland. Each of us had gathered beauty from the earth to paint, draw and write on. We wrote what we feel grateful for. Boho Brother stayed up the latest layering found objects with his unique arty style. The next morning I woke up to Boho Brother and Omi hanging it on the porch of the beach house. magical.  I think I will take it home and hang it in our house to remind me how much being grateful for even the smallest of things, can shift your heart.

So many more images to share but here is one of our most cherished that we continue to gaze at with hearts swollen with love.

{People always ask me what Cedar is wearing, so I think I will start doing that at the end of my posts. ; ) Hat is from Baby Gap. Handmade crocheted scarf made by Cedar's Auntie Pammie, branch shirt by Kicky Pants}


elizabeth maccrellish

elizabeth maccrellish
elizabeth maccrellish, canon 50d

I know this is a time to be grateful but I also know that for some of you, that might be a really hard thing to do right now. I know that when I am in the muckiest of mucks, it does somehow find something I am grateful for. I write it down. Or I speak it out loud. Or I call a friend to help me find it. Then it surprises me how it shifts things. Even if just a little bit.

So for those of you that are in a beautiful place right now and for those of you that are in a hard place right now, I would love to be a space where you can spill what you're grateful for. Even if its just one thing. Even if that one thing is that your like how your pinkie toe is shaped.

Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you. The community that has been found at this blog is something I am abundantly grateful for. You have shifted my heart so miraculously.

What are you grateful for?

Boho girl

thank you from the bohos.

cedar and me
cedar & me a few eve's ago, taken with phone

i am not sure if i can express how grateful i am for your shared stories, questions, wisdom in my previous post. it helps me and so many, so many out there not feel alone. its amazing to me how when one doesn't feel alone, strength comes. strength from another helps clear up the blur so you can see the strength within.

this has all been a tender thing for me. many tears spilled the last few days. many talks with loved ones, with my husband...even with sweet cedar.

oh how much my big sappy heart loves my son. my husband. my family. my friends. and drinking from the cup of inspiration and contribution as a creative soul. oh how i wonder how to let it all in and oh how i know i will learn more how to let go, to bend, to expand, to trust and surrender when i can't.

and oh how your gentleness, your vulnerability, your honesty, your truth speaking, your guidance, your understanding brings me to a more forgiving and gentle space with it all.

and oh how i can't wait for this pms to pass. ; )

thank you from the bohos.

ps. and isn't cedar's face priceless in this photo? my baby is becoming more boy. *sigh*