exploring with paint*

Cedar has dealt with a bit of tactile sensitivity since he was born. First I noticed it with fabrics on his skin needing to be very soft (hence the bamboo and uber soft cottons we buy for him). Then I noticed it with food. He has not been a fan of sticky fingers or anything on his fingers for that matter. While he is eating, I typically have a cloth nearby to wipe his hands to prevent anxiety. The times we've played in the sand, if it gets on his hands he tries to wipe it off immediately, although he is fine using buckets and shovels. When I introduced finger-painting it was all too much and he had a bit of a meltdown, waving his hands about to get the paint off. That first try must have been a bit traumatizing for him as he didn't even want to try the brush during future attempts. I always follow his lead for when he is ready for anything. I do not push things on him. So, we've stayed away from painting for a while. Although in my mama heart, I knew he wanted to do it because of the excitement he had shown before we started each project only to end with a meltdown because of how it felt on his skin. So I held onto that vision for him gently.

The other day, I gave him some honey on a spoon for a treat. After he licked a bit of it up, I watched him put his finger in the spoon and then immediately go over to the cupboard to paint the honey on the wood. He did it a few times more with a big smile on his face. Now, perhaps most mamas (rationally so) would have been a bit bummed out that their cupboards were suddenly sticky but I gasped in excitement. "Cedar!! You're finger-painting!!". He responded "pay-ing"..."pay-ing!!!". It was then that I knew he was ready to explore again.

I consulted a dear circle of friends of mine that are mamas and conscious about what goes in and on their babies as far as chemicals and toxins. I wasn't sure if Cedar was going to just eat the paint or smear the paint on his bod. I had no idea how he would explore this new texture but I wanted to feel safe for him to do so. I was encouraged by my friends to try berries and flour and water. BRILLIANT!

One of my friends thought an easel might be easier for him as far as keeping paint off of his body. We have been so accustom to doing art on our hardwood floor with paper since we don't have a table in our home. Why hadn't I thought of this? I was so grateful for this fresh set of ideas. So, last night we took a trip to IKEA to get an easel. We set him up this morning out on our veranda. I mixed three bowls of color: frozen raspberries with warm water and soy flour, chocolate pudding and frozen acai berries with warm water and soy flour. Such pretty colors. In fact, the colors of our wedding! ; )

It was fun to observe him. He still wanted nothing to do with the paint on his fingers. He was glad to use the brushes...and he was so serious about his art. I was expecting him to throw the paint about and smoosh it on the ground and not be able to stand and paint for too long. But he stood for over an hour and we did three different paintings and he kept asking us to join in "mama do eet!"..."daddy do!", while handing us a brush.  Most of the time he stood there quietly by himself with the birds singing in the distance.  It reminded me of the zone he can get in when he is picking at the guitar.  So mindful of what he is doing and able to shut out the world for a while.

It was such a precious time for us as a family.

Here are a few more images...

and a wee video... ; )

{head wraps are by julie bartel over at Gypsy Wraps. giveaway for a wrap coming very soon!}

tree kisses*

Cedar wanted me to tell you all to please kiss a tree this weekend!

{If anyone wants to send me an email with a photo of you kissing a tree attached, I will put them all in a post with a link to your website/blog. How fun will that be? Pls send to denise(at)bohophoto.com}

Sending you peace and tree love for the weekend.  May the luminous full moon shine down on you gently.

Love, Boho Girl

a capture from today*

My husband lifted up his shirt to show Cedar his man-nipples and Cedar cracked up.

Awesome.

Boys.

a moment in our day today*

Cedar does this so often. He wants me to sit and watch as he runs down a hill, towards me, then on top of me...to end with a mini boy hug (aka wrestle on the ground). I thought it would be fun to capture it today.

Lately I have discovered the wonder of audio books. Since Cedar came into our lives, I have not had the attention span, nor the time, to sit and read a book. I can skim through it quickly or jump around only to read a few sentences before I end up falling asleep or distracted in some way. I don't know why it took me so long to come up with the idea of listening to an audio book while doing chores or hanging with Cedar. It's brilliant!!! And I love that he is being read to as well. Although, the one I save for his nap time is "Connection Parenting...Parenting through Connection Rather than Coercion and Love instead of Fear" by Pam Leo.  Oh man, this one is full of wisdom that wraps around my heart and hugs it tight.  I find myself weepy while doing laundry and picking up his toys from ideas that resonate so deeply with me and also comfort my inner little girl.

So far, here are a few gems that I wrote down.  Will share more soon...

****************************************

"We are less likely to pass on our past hurts to our children when we do our own healing work."

"Once we understand that uncooperative behavior is a communication of a child's unmet need, a hurt, or a response to an adults unrealistic expectation, we do not have to take the behavior so personally."

"We create a strong bond over time when we lovingly and consistently meet our child's needs."

"When we learn to relate in ways that show children that their needs and feelings matter,  we strengthen the bond and avoid power struggles."

"Very young children learn conflict resolution when we model it."

"We teach children that every one's needs are important by honoring their needs.  From our example, they learn to honor other's needs."

"Children are delightful to be with when their needs are being met and nothing is hurting them."

"Whenever a child responds negatively to a reasonable request,  we look for a hidden hurt or the unmet need.  Once we acknowledge every one's needs, we can work on problem solving."

"I've learned to say...'When you behave that way, I know something is wrong.  We love each other and people who love each other don't treat one another this way. Can you tell me what you need or what is hurting you?'  If I can remember to stop and ask that one simple question, it changes the whole concept of the power struggle.  That question communicates "I love you and what you feel is important to me."

******************************************

Such good stuff...and really resonates with my soul.  I find myself so much more present with Cedar these days.  So much more forgiving of myself in those moments when I am more reactive and then I hold him and talk with him about it.  I feel as though my mind and heart are opening wider to who Cedar is and what triggers him and how I can do my best to create an environment where he feels seen and heard and loved consistently.  Right now this mama business is SO my greatest teacher.

snapshots of Boho Toddler.

{an emotional goodbye with daddy at the airport}

{auntie dd & cedar hanging out on a front loader at the farm}

{playing the chase game with auntie la la in the almond orchard}

{reading with grandmarmie...she is still uber skinny but is on the way to healing and getting better! cedar is wearing his fisherman pants and a kicky pants shirt he got from grandmarmie for his birthday}

{a new game that cedar invented. we call it the "hug train"...uncle marky, auntie dd & cedar}

{the country glow that we always get while at the farm.  shirt from Splendid Littles.  scarf handmade last year by his auntie pammie and hat from canada is a gift from uncle jon-erik/boho brother}

{grandmarmie brought over a box so that he could play house. we all decided to color it. uncle marky is such an artist and drew a gorgeous tree on one side}

{cedar and me one FREEZING morning at the farm saying hello to the doggies Pandora & Zeus. lion hat and sweater from Baby Gap}

{snuggling up all warm and cozy inside with auntie la la}

{his favorite game that uncle jj taught him...throwing stones in the pond. here he is with auntie dd trying to make bubbles with each throw. cedar is wearing fisherman pants and sweater from Baby Gap}

{grandmarmie & cedar watching the doggies in the morning run like crazy around the orchard}

{mommy loves this canadian hat from uncle jon-erik that just covers his cold little ears. scarf made by auntie pammie and striped shirt from Target}

{reading on the airplane ride home...just like his daddy}

{we had a few emotional days while adjusting to travel and teething. he is a trouper. "compassion" shirt from Joy Spread the Word and custom Tree hat from Everyday Beautiful.}

{taken this morning and in better spirits. wearing his new kicky pants shirt that auntie dd got for his bday, fisherman pants and shoes from Bobux}

here is a video from today of my boys jamming together:

ps. you can still enter the yummy ecourse giveaway here until sunday night!

The "Whyyyy?" song.

...and impromptu Cedar ditty. So many life questions for this little soul. This song sums it up perfectly.

a beachy, arty day…

Cedar is loving his time with Uncle Jon-Erik (aka Boho Brother). He wakes in the morning and runs around looking for him in all the corners of the house...but you can usually find him out on long walks come rain or shine. I love love love this image of Cedar running up towards his uncle's open arms. We had been playing in puddles for a while and when his uncle surprised him up on the hill, Cedar went running. *sigh*

The brothers walked up to a sandy hill and were walking through the seagulls as they took flight. You can see the two of them in the background while Cedar explores new textures in the sand.

After washing off the sand at the beach shower, we put him in the warm shower at home...back into his comfy feetie pajamas and Boho Brother brought out his art box and paper to explore some art.

Mmmmmm...its been just me and the boys.

Until tonight...when Omi arrives (hopefully safely as a thunderstorm is coming in!).

Oh, and here is my weekly kissy photo except this time with five canker sores. Yes...you heard me...FIVE...all on the rim of my bottom lip. Have no idea what caused them but we are giving them tender loving care. Well, not the kissing kind because Boho Boy kissed me last night and his whiskers made them bleed. Ouch!

circus and therapy*

We should all start eating our celery and peanut butter in the middle.  Its where the good stuff is.  I love that he does this.

My days with Cedar have been so full.  His discovery of life...of emotions and energy and feelings and desires and needs are so big and the two of us feel so intertwined.   And I am in Love.  And I am so worn.  I don't know how you single parents do it but I will forever bow down to you.  Forever.

I am so tired that it is hard to put into words how this last week has been for us.  He is discovering so much more of his separateness and is expressing it in new ways.  The best way to describe it is that I feel like all day long I am either at the Circus or in Therapy.  Our children can be our mirrors and throughout the day I feel myself being triggered in some way.  Motherhood is like a never ending therapy session.  ; )

Guess what.  Remember I said I wanted an iPhone?  Well the very next day, Cedar and I were on a hike and I slid down a muddy slope and my feet flew out in front of me and when I landed, my Palm Pre went flying in the air and crashed down on a rock.  Totally cracked and broken.  I took that as a huge sign that it was time to move on.  We got iPhone's tonight!!!  I am so giddy about the better photo quality and the fun apps to play with and the video messaging.  I heard from my friends that I may get obsessed.  Would love to hear what apps are your faves!

Would also love to hear about your creative ways of how you inspired, encouraged, guided your toddler to listen to you (when they decide they don't want to).  Also, are you into time-outs?  If not, what worked for you?  I always love to hear your stories.  Stories are so much more fun than advice.  I am loving the book Parenting for a Peaceful World but I can only read it in bits.  Mama is tired at night.

what we've been up to...

The other day we had a bit of a rough day at the park. Cedar was being teased by some boys for feeding a rocking Sea Horse his water from a sippy cup and a bite of his snack. Then again he was mocked for being animated. My heart broke as his body melted into me in tears when he figured out what they were doing. I worried if moments like this would crush his sweet spirit. Cedar and I had a heart to heart about it. I looked him in the eyes and told him that I understand him and that he is so loved just as he is.  Again, I wondered if at two years old, he really grasped the message I was sending to him. Then we were about to leave and the boys that were teasing him were standing up at a bench, eating dried cranberries in a bowl. Cedar went up to see what they were doing and he laid his head on the shoulder of the boy that purposely laughed in his face a half our prior. I choked back tears. He lays his head on his stuffed animals and people when we say "give it/them love". He was giving this boy love. I know many would say to me right now "but he's two years old...you're thinking too deep. he was just being cute." But in my heart I feel that Cedar must know somewhere down deep that when people intentionally hurt others, it is because they are hurting inside...and that boy needed love.

Here is a glimpse of our days together which have opened up to a bigger world now that I have been on the internet less. I am soaking this time in as I know life will become fuller soon.

{most are taken with my palm-pre phone!}

{you can still enter the e-course giveaway here...until sunday at 9pm PST}

breaking out the ukulele*

cedar tonight, recorded with palm pre

I will never tire of how he closes his eyes when he wants to feel something deeper...while eating, drinking, dancing, swinging, singing and playing music.  Its so beautiful to experience every morsel with him.

cedar is two today*

cedar, two years old

Growing up, Boho Boy and his brother woke up on the morning of their birthday to their parents singing "happy birthday to you..." with their cake and candles lighting up the room. They made their wishes first thing, blew out the candles and the magical day began. They did this every single year.

We wanted to start this same tradition for Cedar's birthday, so this morning he was woken up with a song and a gluten free cupcake and two candles lit. It was awesome to see his wonder.

Another tradition we wanted to continue that we started last year was his birthday fort. Although this year, it lasted about 3 hours before he kept pulling on it and it came crashing down...three different times! Perhaps next year, he'll understand that in order to have a fort, you gotta keep it up. We had a blast while it lasted...all cozy and cuddly...playing and tickling and reading books.

I have a slideshow of the fort the day before...the morning candle song...and the presents he opened from his Omi. We are going to celebrate his birthday again over Thanksgiving. Everyone should have a birthday week!

A few things about Cedar and his terrific two~ness:

• Even though he can hold his bottle fine, he still only wants mama to feed him...even if its just a few sips after a nap and before sleepy times. That alone is comfort for him
• He still loves pureed sweet potatoes and carrots with each meal
• Avocados with a dash of sea salt are his favorite
• He just discovered popcorn and calls it "hopan"
• He's really into trains, airplanes, helicopters and school buses
• He loves to sing in the car when we're driving and for us to join in
• He wants all adults in the room to share in whatever he is doing, tasting, feeling, seeing.  He invites you in.
• He is timid with other children in that way
• He went through a hitting phase, which was heartbreaking and a growing experience for mama...but after gently talking him through each experience, he seems to have moved through it
• He seems to have a joyous effect on other children
• People often tell me about the light in his eyes and his pure joy
• They also still think he is a girl.  Even if he is in a super duper boyish outfit
• He loves to Skype with Auntie DD.  They play trains and also both fall on top of a bunch of pillows on each of their couches.  He thinks when she is not here, she lives in the laptop.  He often runs up to the laptop and says "Hiiiii Thee Thee!!"...like he's calling her out to play.  Its both adorable and heart breaking
• My parents are getting Skype over the holidays so they can have play dates with him too
• Right now, if I Skype with someone else, he covers his eyes.  He believes only Auntie DD lives there and anything else is too bizarre to handle
• Mondays he goes through daddy withdrawals
• Daddy gives him a bath each night and they make bubbles with a bubble maker
• Cedar now thinks our lights that are in the ceiling are also bubbles because they are bulbous
• In his mind, the whole world is full of bubbles
• He loves being naked and always pulls his pants off
• He believes all of his stuffed animals are real and he has long conversations with them in his crib
• When he plays with anything that has wheels, he lays on the ground and observes how the wheels move while he pushes it slowly
• Before he has a meltdown on the ground, he does a little dance.  Its really hard not to laugh
• He is fascinated with how things work and are put together.  Last time we were at the park he laid on the ground under one of those bouncy horsey rides to see what made it go back and forth.  He laid there observing for a few minutes
• He has a memory like an elephant and sometimes its almost creepy what he doesn't forget
• He doesn't miss anything and notices the tiniest treasures from a distance.  Like a spec on the ground lots of feet away
• He is now a big fan of bamboo clothing (who isn't).
• He has never sucked his thumb but since birth, he rubs his ears for self soothing to help him sleep or when he is unwell.
• He has awesome rhythm
• He is as tall as a three year old
• He's really witty, already...so this means he might be a clown
• He is our greatest gift and our most favorite life teacher

Happy Birthday, our dear sweet gnome, wood nymph, faerie boy.

jedi wisdom*

May the force be with you.

Love, Cedar {Jedi Knight in training}

**************************************

“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.”

~ Yoda

belly laughs and joy*

I took Cedar for a walk out and about where we live. He nestled his new blue ball under his arm and against his side, like a book. For a few days now, he had been trying to figure out how to throw a ball up rather than just forward or back. He looked at these steps and ran over to them and all of a sudden, he turned facing me, with a huge smile on his face and threw it up pretty high. We both totally squealed and clapped and I handed the ball to him again. We did this for about an hour.   The last photo is of him collapsing on the stairs in blissful exhaustion.  I tried to capture his excitement with my phone to send to my family and friends. I wanted to share it with you too.

We were breaking in his new rain paints we got at REI. They squeak when he walks but I think he feels like an astronaut or something. He sort of struts with them on. Really cute.

Every day, his personality comes pouring forth.  So far we have recognized that he is a huge clown and has an awesome sense of humor.  Like yesterday, when I picked him up from his nap, he was a bit tender.  I think he woke from a bad dream because he usually is all smiles when he wakes but this time he woke up almost screaming, with tears spilling.  So, I brought him to the rocking chair and rocked for a bit in silence, cradling him like a baby.  I looked down at him and started singing a song and all of a sudden he looks up at me and rolled his eyes like ..."oh mom, do you have to?!?" and I said "Cedar!  Oh my gosh...what was that about?!?" with a curious smile on my face and he burst into giggles.  Then he put a serious straight face on and rolled his eyes again, waiting for my reaction and then started giggling.  I mean, he's not even two yet.  Heck...he doesn't even communicate in full words yet but he fully understands how to make us laugh.  The other night he put a box on his head and was walking around the living room bumping into things and totally cracking up.   I love that he finds pure joy out of making us laugh.

Then there is this really tender side to him.  Yesterday at a park, there was a women sitting on a blanket that had a look of loneliness and sadness.  I noticed it but of course left her alone and sent her love quietly.  Cedar was leaning up against me starring at her.  His face was just so soft and worrisome.  Then he broke free from me, ran up to the side of her blanket, facing her and really LOUDLY said "HI!!!!"...and she said hello, quietly back to him.  He kept standing there, starring at her and again said "HI!!!" and she then looked over at me giggling and I apologized and she said to me "no, its really sweet." So he then proceeds to point up to the sky and then hold his hands out to his side and did a twirl and told her a story, in words we didn't understand (well, I sort of do by now) and it was very animated and enthusiastic and it had her gut laughing by the time he was done.  Then he walked over to me, sat down by me, gave out a big sigh as though he was thinking "Mission accomplished...now I can go play".  My heart about burst out of my chest.

I am so in love with the innocence and boundless energy of children.  How many times do we wish we could go up to a person sitting on a blanket that is looking sad and say "Hi!!!" until it lifts their mood?

I not only love him as a mother but I really dig him as a person.  I have a feeling our life is going to be full of a lot of belly laughs and joy with him around.

something cedar taught me.

One precious thing that Cedar has been doing for as long as I can remember is closing his eyes when he really wants to feel something.  He'll do it when wind hits his face, when he is chewing something delicious, when he is running down a hill or walking with his arms wide open. He'll just close his eyes and smile and take deep breaths.  Many times I describe it as him drinking the moment in.  It really teaches me to be present in that moment and open up my senses.

Sometimes he'll close his eyes while he is building blocks or trying to fit a straw into a hole or put his train on the track. This is when I feel he is also trying to have another experience.  "This is how it feels to stack blocks with my eyes open and this is how it feels to stack blocks with my eyes closed.  Hmmm...its harder with my eyes closed."

Today we were at a pond and collected sticks to throw into it.  He would throw one with his eyes open and try the other one with his eyes closed.  He invited me to do the same.  He seems to love the challenge and also the shift in perspective.

So today it has me thinking about perspective and how we truly have the power to shift ours.  Just like the video I shared with you all yesterday on being alone.  It really moved me to rethink my definition of loneliness.  Especially because lately, I've been really craving a community where I can actually touch the skin of a person rather than type keys to connect.  Watching that video inspired me to reflect on those moments in my life that felt most healing and most of them (not all, but most) where when I was alone;  journal writing, sitting at the beach, dancing in my loft, busting out paints for the first time in my studio apartment in Berkeley, sitting at a coffee shop or laying on a blanket under a tree.  In those moments, I didn't realize a healing was taking place but upon reflection, those were the moments, infused with self nurturing, that gave me courage the next day to keep moving.  I was able to connect with myself in a way that felt whole rather than my energy being given out in a hundred different directions.

A shift in perspective.

Lately, my husband has been having a rough time with feeling overwhelmed and overtired in regards to work.  We've had a few hard nights of not connecting and saying things we don't mean.  Today, after spending time with Cedar and observing him closing his eyes and breathing in, I chose to look at what is going on with my husband in a different way.  Rather than try to over analyze him, I chose to look at my reactions and my triggers and realized that so many of them were rooted in fear.  Fear that I may lose him in many ways and that the free spirited 5th grade teacher I met years ago preferring writing his book over working, would resent me for the rest of his life for having to support his family at this time.  It was me taking it all on as though it was my fault.  It was me holding onto guilt for not being able to give energy equally to all of the parts that make me, me...motherhood, wifehood, sister, friend, daughter, writer, blogger, photographer, teacher and projecting it onto him as though he was saying I wasn't enough.  It was all my stuff.  Isn't it always?  It helps so much to self reflect and open up spaces for self nurturing and gentleness.  And I know when he has energy, he will do his own self reflecting and self nurturing.  So I sent him a love note explaining all of this.  Owning my part and promising to truly SEE him and listen and love. I cannot control his feelings but only my reactions to them and this is something I have been aware of for years but its so easy to forget when there are such big emotions whirling around.

So, now I know when he walks through that door tonight, I will see things a bit different.  Sort of like closing my eyes and opening them up again.

Here is a photo I took of Cedar and me today...when his eyes were wide open.  ; )

little red caboose.

cedar is in love with trains right now. i like to serenade him while he plays. this time he joined in to say hello. MANY times. : )

harmonica groovin'.

; )

his affection*

taken with palm pre phone

This is how he shared his excitement about the thunderstorm we were watching/listening to through the window together this morning.

His affection...oh how when he shares his love my heart soars, it aches, it bursts into song.  My love for this boy...oh my love for this boy.  Deep deep deep.

a glimpse of our morning...

cedar, 22 months, canon 50d

{check out his new pointy teeth up top coming in!}

{wearing mama's Om pendant}

He has a new joke. He stands in our bathroom and waves hello and then shuts the door on our face. He thinks it is hilarious and giggles behind the door. He also does it when the bathroom lights are out and we are amazed that the pitch blackness never frightens him. Brave boy.

Do take notice of his ginormous toe.  When he was born, the doc said laughing "I hope he'll grow into this toe".  Ummm...not yet, doc.  ; )

And as always, to keep it real...

Here he is, after mommy took over a hundred photos. He was DONE and let me know it with a wee meltdown by laying down on the floor kicking and screaming and then standing up and speaking his truth. ; )

So I took him to the beach to ease his melty downishness...

"mommy, i want to do THAT when i grow up!"

besties.

Wish I had my Big Camera close for this shot but alas, my Palm Pre phone had to do. Just couldn't miss this moment and had to share.

lion hat from Baby Gap
peace tree tee from Wren Willow
yoga pants from Makrista Baby
crocheted blanket made with love by my Sis

Cedar has been a bit tender the last few days due to his last two sharp teeth up top coming through.  So, I have been quiet in this space and trying my best to be fully present and navigate my way through his emotions.

Pretending to be a Lion REALLY took his mind off things.  ; )

Be back soon...xoxox

cedar up in the loft.

We haven't let Cedar climb up the stairs to the loft or explore up there until very recently. The stairs are not the safest, as you can see with the rough tile from Mexico. So now that he seems more confident about climbing, we're granting him his wish that he's had probably since we first brought him home. ; )

I wanted to capture him in a 10 minute span. He went from tortured artist, to singing the teething blues to climbing glee to exploring something sparkly. And this is just 10 minutes. Oh how full my days are when I walk through his world presently.

He's growing up, non? *sigh*