our something unexpected. our little miracle.

My husband and I watched this trailer tonight. We both were teary eyed by the end. I was so moved by it that I wanted to share it with all of you.

Sometimes, well, most times, it feels like Cedar came into our life in such a magical way that is hard to describe but this movie, the energy and meaning behind it, truly emulates so many emotions I carry with me as his mother.

What really touched me deep in this trailer is when Timothy is standing in front of a row of friends and asked "So, you all came from your mom's tummies? How was that?" With such an innocent curiosity, from a place of not feeling left out or left behind or a longing and wishing he had come to his parents that same way.  How deeply we hope Cedar will feel this secure about his journey to us and comfortable being open about his own birth story.

It is so important to me he is deeply aware that just like in this film, we conceived him in our hearts and dreams and his beautiful birth mother was the fertile soil that brought him to life.

The symbolism of this movie moves me so: The hope that it offers those that so deeply ache to have a child and the possibility that your child can come to you in ways you least expect.

in the present, here with you.

Such a super sleepy video but there is a question at the end. ; )

one wish*

I remember this moment (above) when I crouched down behind these wild flowers and watched my boys inhale and exhale, gaze in silence and honor the stillness that lay before them. I remember thinking that this sometimes is what prayer and giving thanks to us has become.

what my boys were seeing.

I read this quote today that really moved me deep...

“The primary purpose of prayer is not to make requests. The primary purpose is to praise, to sing, to chant. Because the essence of prayer is a song, and man cannot live without a song." ~ Abraham Joshua Heschel

Many people I know (me included) can at times be uncomfortable with prayer or meditation. Sometimes we just don't know where to start, especially if long periods of time have passed. Sometimes we imagine it needs to be about wanting or needing something and that can often lead to guilt. But what seems to lend such freedom to it all is that prayer doesn't have to be about a long list of needs or wants and meditation doesn't need to only be about emptying our mind. I believe so strongly that it can simply be a form of release and connection. A song. A chant. A humming. A silence. A gaze. To the One your faith, your spirit and your own unique heart song wants to connect with. And ah yes, we as living beings do need song. Whether it comes from the root of our belly and out our mouths or if we are listening and connecting to it through another source. Mmmmm...and to open up our minds to see and feel this as prayer. It all just makes so much sense to me.  It seems less complicated, more simple and a beautiful and safe place to start.

Requests and wishes are also human nature. Today I came across this image I took a few weeks ago and had an idea to use it as a sacred opening here in my space for those who need to make a wish. Close your eyes, what comes to mind? It can be grand or simple. Selfloving or selfless. I have always felt it was so important to put a voice to our wishes and dreams. If prayer and meditation is mostly about song, then these sweet dandelions can be about wishes. Because we need those too. ; )

My wish for today: That the darling family we connected with end up moving into our home when we move next door. Its in the works and we are all hoping it comes together with the landlord & property management company. I am learning what it is to have community with neighbors. Its one of the reasons we moved here and it is changing my life in very unexpected ways.

What is your wish?

lighter lily love*

{all images in this post are of me last week wearing custom made feather earrings & feather in a bottle necklace from one of my blessed sponsors and new dear friend, laura at roots & feathers}

Firstly, happy Mama's Day to those who mother in all the beautiful and nurturing ways we can be mothering spirits to one another.

I begin this story with the disclaimer that I am calling the upper part of my body "lilies" not only because that is what we used to call them growing up in a household of four females but also to not draw spam or lurker-loos to this post. ; )

Anyone that knows me intimately or has been reading my blog since day one of putting myself out here in this space, knows that I am a lover of a woman's shape. I have always been drawn to it in my photography and was inspired by it in my pastel drawings. You can still find me sketching the hills and valleys, dips and skinscapes when I allow myself some quiet time to write or scribble while talking on the phone. Embracing various shapes is part of my upbringing as a Portuguese/French woman surrounded by my marmie, sisters, aunts, cousins, grannies and nieces that most always were confident in their skin no matter what size or shape.

I've shared much about my journey with my own shape here in this space. How I have always had curves and it was just so much a part of the fabric of my being. When it became a bit tender and vulnerable for me was following my fertility journey, when I saw my body shift and change and without a pregnancy or a birth to channel that acceptance. Many of my loved ones encouraged me and within my own heart, it helped to just believe that even though I didn't carry Cedar in my womb or birth him, my body grew wider, softer and went through the motions because he was so much my spirit baby. That offered comfort to me.

Many of you know that throughout our five years of trying to conceive, most of our intentions were to bring our child into our lives naturally: Herbs, meditation, tinctures, therapy, acupuncture, you name it, we poured ourselves into it. But for 5 months out of the 5 years, we tried the Western approach. I was put on clomid and HCG shots for 5 months and we did artificial insemination. Our insurance did not cover any of the costs because at the time my husband was a sexy librarian for a Catholic high school and we learned the hard way that the Catholic faith does not believe in messing with God's plan (ache. ouch. sigh). So if we didn't get pregnant naturally and needed to get out a loan for 25K, we were going to choose adoption rather than IVF because we knew we could only afford to try it once and well, our hearts needed a sure thing. ; ) At that point, we were open to whatever would bring us to our child. We have/had no judgements on any choice be it Eastern or Western but with my history, I had always noticed my body responded better to natural methods of healing. This was proven after I took clomid and the HCG shot. Suddenly, a few months after being treated, I had endometriosis. If I indeed had it before (I was never diagnosed), this medication made it 10 times worse. Suddenly, I had blood filled cysts on my ovaries, more painful cycles, I gained 15 pounds within a few months and my lilies grew from a D to a G. It was a fast transformation and it took my heart some time to catch up with it. Once we had Cedar, I put all my energy into him and tried my best to take care of each of our bodies with holistic nourishment in all forms.

Over the past few years, I began to get back, shoulder and neck pain. It hurt to walk around without a lily supporter on and if I tried to exercise, I would have to wear 2 lily supporters (thank you all for hanging in there with me and these fun words!). 5.5 years into living this way, the weight and the pain started to get so cumbersome that I did research about lily reduction.  My husband was so very supportive about me connecting with a doctor in the nearest city to just share my journey and gain some clarity, so we made an appointment with one of the top surgeons in the Pacific Northwest.

My boys and I took a trip to Seattle. They went to a really fun toy store and I went to an appointment. I remember sitting in the waiting room. Me in my layered clothes and Uggs and long dreadlocks and not at all feeling like I fit in with the rest of the women looking so put together and coiffed. But we all looked at one another, nodded, warmly smiled and felt this collective support because I know each of us were there for vulnerable reasons. When the doctor first met me in a private room, he shook my hand and said "Well you're going to be refreshing!" and at that moment, I felt he was a kindred spirit. We talked about our children and our spouses and he sat knee to knee with me in such a gentle and kind manner. I opened up with him about our fertility journey and how I responded to the hormones and of course the emotions came flowing as the story poured forth. He lightly touched my knee and I will never forget the kindness, the warmth in his eyes. "Denise, I want to reassure you that you are not alone. Many of my patients find themselves here after fertility journeys (loved that he picked up on my language). I know you never thought you'd end up here in my office but let me share with you what has happened to your body." He then went onto say that some women, those that do not respond well to synthetic hormones, can get extra tissue growth. Hence, how quickly my endometriosis spread around my reproductive organs and how my lilies grew so large, so fast and full of dense tissue rather than fat. Dense tissue is very heavy and this is where the aches and pain started for me. This is why I began to walk a bit hunched over and why the top of my shoulders have dents and bruises from the pulling. Many didn't notice my size because I chose to wear a lily supporter that was many sizes too small to pack it all in there so that it wouldn't hurt so much.

I think you know where this story is going. Walking out of his office, I felt so validated and the choice was not hard to make. The drive home when I shared it all with my husband he could see the lightness in my spirit and the freedom of sweet validation in my sing song voice. My surgery was set for a few months later and the extra tissue growth that formed from the hormones is no longer a part of my lilies and my natural form is back to the way it was pre-fertility drugs. I am now 14 days post operation and I am still healing physically but emotionally I have felt such a beautiful transformation.

Many of the loves in my life have been so poetic about this choice:  How moving to the Pacific Northwest, choosing to be a bit unplugged from the internet and being more present with my boys and my family, these lifestyle changes, shifts and choices I am making to live a year of gentleness are all connected. That it all is a metamorphosis of sorts. That I have cocooned when first moving here and now I am surfacing lighter...LIGHTER and shedding, letting go of so much that does not resonate with my heart, my body, my soul.

Its so so true. Thanks to my VERY selfless and helpful mother in-law, my dear husband and my sensitive and tender 3.5 year old, the past few weeks I have been given permission to fully REST and lay and meditate and sleep and not lift much of a finger. During this time of healing, it has all become much clearer to me. I am feeling more and more at hOMe in my skin, literally...and in my heart and I look forward to sharing much of that here in this space. I have unplugged from Facebook, from Instagram so that I can keep some things sacred, focus deeper in the present and in my close relationships and on some creative projects but I will not unplug from this space. I plan to be here more often to share this journey with you. I have needed to be quiet. I have needed this cocoon but oh how I feel an opening and inspiration is flowing. I am grateful to my readers and to my sponsors for totally going with my cocoon-y flow.

I realize the choice I made to lighten my lilies is not for everyone. I can imagine some will be disappointed in my choice and may have their own opinions about it and that is perfectly okay. I am attracted to and attract such earthy, elle-naturelle spirits. I get if it will not settle well with some. But I am in such a beautiful, solid and secure place about it (and so are my loved ones). It is human nature to project our own stories, thoughts and opinions onto others. I have compassion for all of it:  For people's reactions. For my own knowing and awareness.

I had many long emotional talks with my body before and after this procedure. We are in a good good space, my body and me. A good, tender-loving, nurturing place.

{I do feel it is important to share that my body's response to western fertility treatments is not an average or normal one.  I have never been able to take hormones (birth control pills, etc).  I am highly sensitive to it all, so know that, please...this is just my own story and it does not in any way mean it will happen to you if you are going down a similar path.  I have known many women that have been united with their children through the miracle of Western approaches and their bodies responded beautifully and were perfectly healthy.  Of course with all things fertility related, consult your healers/practitioners}

quiet mind.

This morning I am sitting here snuggled up in our big green chair. The blinds on all the windows pulled up, front door to the mud room/dining room open. Cool breeze tickling my cheeks. Flowers in bottles and vases and pictures surround me. Some from our yard. Some from our neighbors. Some from a local flower shop. My mother in law is here visiting and I hear her sipping her black coffee while tickity tacking away on her laptop, catching up on some of her work. She is here to take care of me, to take care of us while I am recouping from surgery (will share about this in next post). Cedar is still sleeping upstairs in his bedroom. He's been sleeping longer these days, growing taller each morning. We got him a new puppet a few days ago and are anticipating opening his door with this monster puppet when he wakes. He'll have a new friend this morning. I don't remember the last time my heart felt this at peace. Not only my heart but my mind...quiet. Quiet mind. I wasn't sure if that was possible for me. Being a bit more unplugged has helped with this but so has less television and more toes in the grass and fingers in the dirt and inviting interesting neighbors over for dinner last minute and sinking into their stories.

And I have some stories to tell you. MMMmmm...yes, I do and I will in the next post but for this morning, I wanted to share with you a few images from tiny corners of my world right now.

Oh, and all but one of my dreads have been combed out. Finally combed the remaining few out last week before surgery. I am savoring one. My tiniest dread underneath. I will carry my favorite bead on it. I just had to keep one. Just one.

I hope you feel the peace I am sending out to each of you. Deep breath...slow and clear and fresh...exhale...and Om.

heart flutters*

fireside dinner in our front yard, taken a few nights ago

I've been feeling quiet lately.  I think its just all part of this movement flowing through my life.  A movement of cocooning and healing and being mindful of where I put my energy and what kind of energy I allow into my life.  Its been so so good for me to keep it simple and present. So so good.

Here are a few things that are filling my heart with flutters these days...

Dreaming of the new yellow house we'll be living in this coming July and how I want to a create a nourishing, earthy, calm and inspiring space for my family and visitors.  Amused at how excited I get about dreaming up and designing a home.

Researching what it would be like to have chickens and goats.  There are some pretty darling homes you can build for them!  We went to an animal farm in Victoria, BC last year and got to sit with baby goats and cuddle and pet them.  It was there I learned that if you decide to have a goat in your family, you should have two because they need the company.  Hmmm...just like us, yes?  A lot to learn and a lot of work but its been fun to imagine the possibility of extending our family in this way. ; )

Looking into a studio space for me to put in our new backyard this Summer.  Something barn shaped and wide with lots of light.  My husband surprised me by purchasing this eBook because I want to experiment with painting furniture.  I love love to explore antique shops and oh that furniture from Anthropologie and Sundance makes me swoon.  Can you imagine doing that kind of stuff yourself?  I know.  I can too.  So, here I go.

I have fallen in love with using words for decor.  So far I have "Read" for our library/office.  "Dream" for our bedroom and "Gather" for our kitchen.  It adds such a fun touch.  Also loving the idea of poetry on a wall.

Whole Food Meal Plans is my saving grace these days.  At the end of the week I get a list of 5 recipes that I use for dinners, a few deserts and a fun weekend food project with a grocery list to gather up the goods for the next week.  Every single meal has been mouth watering...and I mean that and I am PICKY.  Usually when I try a particular way of eating and follow a book of recipes, I only like a few.  But oh my...last night my husband and I were talking about how brilliant Nicole and Alex are.  Seriously.  Drool worthy meals and healthy too.  But the best part is not having to plan out my own meals because I'll be honest with you, that is NOT my forte.  I love to cook but the planning bit is not my gig.

Loving and embracing the rhythm with my son.  His language is exploding and imagination widening and its so fun to be brought into his world.  His new found independence is a trip to witness.  Just the little things like gardening together or me being able to work in the yard while he rides his bike around me.  Being together but doing our own thing.  Its a groove I am really cherishing these days.

The other night I moved the chairs and fire pit from our backyard into our front yard and it shifted the energy of time together around the fire.  Its now something we can share with passersby or our neighbors rather than being so closed in.  I notice we spend a lot more time out front than in the backyard anyways.  So, opening up space like this felt really good on our hearts.

Would love to hear about what is making your heart flutter these days...

winner of GIVEaway*

some beauties from lauren's shop, photo by lauren

The winner of our most recent GIVEaway is Tania who wrote:

"i am intrigued by the comments and the love that flows here on this site. your generosity is always a blessing to others. love the love and the care that has been stitched into these sacred projects."

Congrats, Tania, you will be contacted by us soon! Your kind words were felt deep.  Grateful.

Also, Lauren wanted to gift the rest of my readers a discount of 15% in her shop this next week. She was so moved by your sharings and felt heard and seen as a conscious artist. Please just add the code BOHO15 when checking out.

sponsor GIVEaway ~ Lauren Luquin

Deerskin & Antler Ring:

This ring was made with ultra soft deerskin and a ~naturally shed~ deer antler button. It was sewn with natural fiber sinew. It is not adjustable but it will stretch a little.

Forest Sprite Pouch:

Keep your treasured finds, sacred herbs, crystals, or other talismans inside this pouch to carry the medicine with you. This pouch is made with deerskin and sewn with natural fiber. It measures 2 x 2 3/4 inches.

The artist, my deer/dear friend Lauren handmade these beautiful treasures. I cherish the ones she made for me (that is my hand in the photo above and I have a pouch as well) .  I feel their gentle deer medicine when I have them close. Lauren has been so very mindful about my connection to deer since I wrote this post and shared with her their impeccable timing of showing up on certain days in my life. So, we thought it would be appropriate to share some of their gentleness with you as many of you have written so touched about deer and how healing they are.

Edited to add:  Note from Lauren in response to a few questions and concerns...

These buttons were made from naturally shed antlers. I do not support deer farming and I will never buy any hides from any mass produced company that kills deer for their skins. I have been given many hides to work with and I honor the animal by giving thanks for its hide, and by putting it to good use as it does carry the energy of the animal not the energy of the person who skinned it. Most of the hides I use I was given by other medicine people, that were blessed in ceremony... a couple of hides I exchanged for from a local Native American woman who owns a trade post. When I run out of hides I will not be making more products unless I am given more because like you I do not want to contribute to any animal's suffering. When I am given something that use to belong to an animal I do not feel bad using it to share the good energy from it... I feel honored to work with it and keep it's energy flowing in my works. It would otherwise go to waste because I use 90% scrap pieces, which is why there are no large items in my shop.

{Lauren has graciously offered all of my readers a 15% discount in her shop.  Please just enter BOHO15 when checking out.  Thank you, Lauren!}

GIVEaway Rules:

• Winner receives one Deerskin & Antler Ring and Deerskin Pouch
• To enter, please leave a comment
• One comment per person, please
• Comments will close Thursday, April 12th at 10am
• Winner will be announced by evening on Thursday and will be contacted by both Lauren and me.

cedar digs into my basket of hats before heading out the door these days.

Have a magical, holy, enchanting, sacred Easter weekend!

heal-all*

spending time with nicole and alex

I am noticing that when I have time away from Cedar, whether it is when he is napping (which is very rare these days) or when he is in his woodland preschool 3 days a week, I carry this unnecessary guilt around that unless I fill this time with housework or house projects, that I am being too indulgent. I am not sure where that pressure comes from. Its not coming from my husband, although given a hormonal day, I will think it is. My husband has his own business and he works from home in an office downstairs, so we are fully aware how hard he works from morning until evening with mini breaks in between to play with Cedar or practice archery out back. It is important to me that my husband knows we honor and appreciate his efforts to support our family so well and it is important to me that he views my nurturing Cedar and our home and our bellies as an equal effort of contribution to our family's well being. I lived on my own for so long supporting myself, as well as had my own business after we were married, so getting used to not contributing financially to my family can play a bit of a mind trip on me and my self worth as a woman.  I know it won't always be like this  because I have some projects on the horizon but at this stage in our journey of wellness and of nurturing Cedar, it needs to be for the time being.

It is good for me to remember that the moments I take for myself are not only for myself but are for my boys too. Meaning, if I want to sit for an hour to browse online for wisdom that interests and fulfills me, then I will be a more present mother and wife. What I am learning about myself as an Introvert, is how crucial alone time is for me and being a mother of a toddler and a wife of a stay at home working husband, alone time is more precious to me than it has ever been in my life. I cannot always fill my alone time with cleaning and picking up the house or grocery shopping or errands. This can feel so very draining for me. So I am trying to rethink and balance my new-found alone time while Cedar is in school three days a week for a few hours. I am most recently wanting to give myself permission to allow some of this time to go towards activities that fill my soul. And this is perfectly okay and good, so good for Cedar and my husband to witness. Part of why I am sharing these feelings in this space is to shoo the guilt away and to grow deeper into an awareness of my needs.

Today I chose to spend some time online, which I don't do often these days and when I do, it needs to be with an intention or I get overstimulated or spiral down with comparison gremlins. I was on the couch and my dear husband suggested I sit in our mud room-turned dining area. He said there was sun shining in there. He even pulled the table and chair out for me just right. My heart warmed at this gesture because he could easily resent this time of hush for me but rather, he supported and encouraged it. So, I snuggled under the sun and spent time on my friend Nicole's website: Whole Food Meal Plans (see photo above). I joined her and her husband's program (they are new sponsors) and I am thrilled to begin with their recipes and natural health ideas next week. So far this past hour browsing their program, I have already learned so much from them and have been led to other blogs/sites with food and natural product recipes that feel so doable to me. I am a newbie at making my own salves and tinctures and mists from what surrounds me in nature. I am a huge supporter of purchasing my friend's and sponsor's natural products but seem to notice I have not been confident enough to make my own. Well, that is going to change and I feel so supported by the blog community in regards to this shift in my life living here in the Pacific Northwest surrounded by nature's medicine.

Heal-All (Prunella Vulgaris) around our home

My friend was over the other day and pointed at all the Prunella Vulgaris growing around my house. I had no idea their healing properties! Remember I shared that this is my year of the Deer...of gentleness and healing for me and my family? Well its so fitting that these precious Prunellas are surrounding us in a purple cocoon of wellness. They are also referred to as Heal-All or Self-Heal.  Of course they are.

{important correction!  just found out from an herbalist friend of mine that this plant is actually called Lamium Purpureum (aka Purple Nettle)!  see?  we are all learning together in this space.  and this is a beautiful lesson for all of us how important it is to check with experienced herbalists when harvesting our own plant medicine.  Lamium has its own healing properties that our family needs.  so truly, its perfect}

follow your dreams, my love.

When we moved here, Boho Boy arrived first. I was staying with my family for a few days while he drove the big moving truck to Washington. So, he was the first to arrive in our seaside neighborhood, which up until that point, we had never seen. We rented our house via a realtor, the internet and my dear local friend peeking into the windows snapping photos for us. So when Cedar and I arrived in town a few days after Boho Boy, it was SO delightful to drive down our lane for the first time together. He drove really slow, so that we could soak in each of the darling homes tucked into trees on our new street. Before he got to our new home, he stopped at this sweet charming yellow house with purple shutters and white trim and gables at the top. The old crooked white picket fence and its arbor were draped in flowers of all kinds. At that moment, my heart swelled because I had always dreamed of a house that looked like the one in Anne of Green Gables. The essence of this one reminded me of it so. We approached our house and all of my energy, love and attention went into our new abode, although the other home stayed tucked in my heart. Each time we walked by I would say hello to it, allow my eyes to linger on its beauty. When we walk up the stairs to our bedrooms, the window at the middle of the stairs shows a view of the side of the yellow house. Cedar and I always say "hello yellow house!" or "goodnight yellow house!" Down deep in my subconscious, I was considering it a bit of a manifestation. I was so very happy here in our old blue home. Living and loving in the present moment inside of these four walls. But there was something, something drawing me to this other home. I literally felt my heart moving towards the home when I was near.

Well, it just so happens in a few months, we will be moving into the sweet yellow house. It all unfolded a bit magically. As much as I am so in love with the home we are in now, we need an extra room downstairs for guests that are unable to climb up and down stairs. It is important to us that our family and friends visiting are comfortable...especially the elderly ones. So that was our main motivation but truly, its a dream come true. I suppose I am sharing this because I believe so deep that when we visualize what it is we are wanting, it will be realized. It may not come the way we first imagine or in the timing we hope but our dreams are there for a reason. Just like my dream to be a mama was SO different than I imagined or thought I wanted it to be but man, Cedar and how he came into our lives was perfect for us.

One of the first steps is speaking them out loud, yes? I would love to hear some of your dreams. Allow this safe cushy loving space to hold them for you.

spring*

I have always loved Spring but I don't think I quite ever cherished it as I do now. After months of darker tones and shades of grey and blue surrounding me, any slice of colorful beauty that comes from the earth and the sky up above is like MEDICINE. Truly. And it is now that I am seeing how my body and soul respond to the seasons. Living in California and most recently Southern California for years, I didn't quite feel as connected to the seasons as the changes were few. I didn't notice the massive shift I have noticed since being here. Meaning, the deep need to cocoon in the Winter and now the craving to be out and exploring and moving my body in the Spring. And along side the seasons, my spiritual growth being in alignment with what is happening in and around Mother Earth. With this Spring I feel such a sense of renewal, of being reborn after months of resting and peeling. I am sure all of my life this has transpired, as living beings all follow the rhythm of our environment but this year, I felt so much more conscious of it. Its beautiful to witness this rhythm and to guide Cedar to awareness of it as well.

Mmmmmm...but Spring, oh Spring! I love you so.

warm wind*

Have you ever been standing there in the cold and the clouds begin to part a bit, letting a few sun rays stretch down and all of a sudden a warm wind swooshes in and around you? This happened to me the moment I shot the photo above. I put my phone down and took a deep breath and gazed around at the trees breathing it in, leaning into its warmth, its gentleness. I saw Cedar stand up from his squat over a pile of mud and look down towards the water. The dancing ripples always awe him. We both stood there until it passed through us. I've always believed moments like that are so deeply connected to the Divine. There are messages in those winds for each of us at just the right time and if we remain aware and open to them, we can hear, feel, touch and taste them.

The last few weeks have been full of the kind of depth and beauty and divinity that those rare warm winds bring.

I have been blessed with moments curled up with visiting friends and friends I visited, sharing our hearts, our dreams, our hurts, our process, our rising up out of the ashes and spreading of wings. And with it all there was a moment when I became more aware that I had flown to the other side of it all. Oh, that moment! I remember sitting there feeling a calm, a peace, as I allowed myself to be fully present with my friends, listening to their stories of truly coming into themselves and their art and unearthing online businesses. I didn't feel an urge to be where they were. I didn't feel less than or not enough because I am choosing this year as self care, pulling away from giving of myself in many different areas so my family and I can heal. I felt whole. I felt able to be there for them...fully. It felt easy to support and celebrate without attaching my own story. It felt inspiring to offer wisdom and insight and just a listening ear.  There was this moment when one of them joked with me because I didn't know much of what they were talking about in regards to this famous photographer or that artist or this website and said "You really are living in the woods!" and I laughed and said "Yes, I really am!" and I thought to myself...yes, that is exactly what I wanted for so long. What I am needing. This time of cocooning.  Yet I am also loving how I am able to let that world beyond the woods enter in now and then and not be shaken by it. That is when I know I am in a good, good place. I am where I should be. When I can feel a peace to not be anywhere, anyone or anything else but me...here.  right. now. And that is enough.

Its such a perspective shift. Just like this past weekend while in Vancouver with a few dear soul sisters, we heard someone say "live close to tears" and we all looked at one another with a knowing. Each of us deeply empathic and sensitive people and often misunderstood for such things, yet we always knew those ways of feeling and being were our strength. We knew THAT is what we do:  Live close to tears.   And suddenly it all made sense.

Like those moments when the warm wind blows and your mind goes quiet and you just know. Yes, just like that.

Guest Post & GIVEaway ~ Herbmama

A warm hello to all the Boho fans. My name is Latisha, herbmama. A giant thank you to my sweet friend Denise for giving me a chance to talk about what I love in her beautiful space.

After my daughter was born, I went in search of natural alternatives for health and healing for her. Something about the conventional ways just didn't feel, well, natural for us. And I struggled to know what to do when she was sick. So, I poured myself into learning as much as I could about natural remedies and my understanding and trust in earth medicine grew. The plant people came to greet me and show me their gentle ways and I found myself whole and home again. Now that my girl is older and she is joined by a little sister, I can look back at this time with more understanding. I remember how frustrated and small I felt among the massive amount of information out there. I made it my mission to help mamas feel comfortable and joyful and safe about using natural medicines. What was born out of that frustration was the HerbCraft Camps.

A multi-sensory experience using herbs as medicine the HerbMother way. This isn't necessarily a class for folks interested in setting up shop as an herbalist, though it could be a great staring point if you are just beginning. The herbmother way is written for the home herbalist. People who want to begin caring for their family and embracing plant medicine as a way of life in the home. Part herbal medicine making. Part crafting. Part re-wilding. Part re-childing. A whole lot of fun.

HerbCraft eCamps are a virtual nature camp for anyone interested in learning about fun, easy, mamafolk methods of herbal craft making. If you’ve ever wanted to start using herbal medicine, but just weren’t sure where to begin. The plants communicate with us through our senses, at camp you will be invited to awaken your childlike expression in the world as we greet our own HomeDirt with fresh young eyes.  It is my hope to pique your curiosity about the greenstuff growing right in your backyard and encourage you to begin using natural remedies in the home with ease and a feeling of security.

HerbCraft Camp is a gentle entry into the world of plant medicine, with a loving guide who wants nothing more than to help you feel success with treating you and your family in a natural way.

I'd love to have you along. I am giving away one free spot in the upcoming Spring Session camp starting Monday, March 19th!

GIVEaway rules:

• To enter, please leave a comment
• One comment per person, please
• Comments will be closed this Friday at 10pm PST
• Winner will be contacted on Sunday to begin eCourse this coming Monday!

WINNER: Congrats to Jennifer Blevins! HerbCraft eCamp starts this Monday...so excited for you. You will be contacted very shortly about details. xoxo

{images of latisha by the lovely georgia cranston of gypsy rae photography}

the power of our words*

My husband had a wonderful idea. Every Sunday, we sit together as a family and watch or read something together that moves us. Whether its a paragraph from a book or a video of some sort, it is something considered spiritual to our souls. A message that shifts our way of being, opens our minds, widens our hearts to love deeper. Our plan is to find something during the week and save it for Sunday to share with one another.

My husband found this video (above) and as we cuddled on our couch to watch, I wept. Oh, the power of our words. Something for all of us to meditate on this week. I will share more of our Sunday inspirations with you.

sponsor GIVEaway ~ cypress sun jewelry*

Nature Girl lariat necklace

Amy Friend  of Cypress Sun Jewelry and I are so thrilled to offer this fabulous GIVEaway today of her Nature Girl lariat necklace.

The Cypress Lariat necklaces are inspired by the yoga of every day life, the giving and accepting inherent in every moment. They move as you move. Gracefully. Elegantly.  They are the kind of necklaces that women select once and then again and again, for themselves and best friends.  They are special gifts. Tokens of love and appreciation. Reminders of friendship and connection.

And best of all, they take you from morning coffee to an evening out so beautifully.

I have one of my own and it really speaks to me and my journey right now.  It feels delicate and warrioress all at once.

me wearing the Nature Girl lariat

GIVEaway details:

• To enter to win a Nature Girl lariat necklace, leave a comment on this post
• One comment per person, please
• Comments will remain open until end of day Friday, March 9th
• Winner will be chosen at Random.org
• Winner will be announced Monday, March 12th

WINNER: Amber, congrats! We will contact you for your mailing addie! xoxo

nurturing my tangible world*

taproot magazine

I received a copy of Taproot from my friend Amanda (editor of magazine) in the mail the other day and it couldn't have arrived at a more perfect time. I cherish those serendipitous moments when a loved one in your life connects to you in a cosmic way without conscious intention. Like this morning when I was looking out my upstairs bedroom window, watching the ripples of the water in the bay and imagining they were reaching my friend Jessamyn whom I miss achy so. And in that moment I heard my phone buzz with the words "Just have you on my mind..." and it was her.  Sweet Synchronicity.

Taproot magazine embodies the intention I am putting towards my life right now: "Living Fully, Digging Deeper".  Let me share an excerpt from the publisher Jason Miller that says so much of what I am wanting to cultivate in my life:

"People are taking stock of what's really important in life.  They're reviving skills of their grandparents like gardening and canning, sewing and knitting.  They're meeting neighbors and creating community.  These are real skills, both personal and interpersonal and they happen offline, in the tangible world.  They happen in a place.  People are saying the time for rootlessness is over; I'm ready to plant myself here, come what may."

Oh yes, that is it.  "Tangible World".  That is where I have been.  Reconnecting with a tangible world or moreso, retraining my brain and heart to pour my focus into what surrounds me with less time online.  I have no idea how to garden or can or knit but I am opening up space and time in my life to begin learning.  And when I put that intention out there, I was blessed with the possibility.  My dear friend Julia, who was my next door neighbor when we first moved here, is a farmer and I have asked her if she could come over and teach me how to plant vegetables this Spring.  My other friend Annie, who also used to be my next door neighbor, has asked me to come and knit with her on Wednesdays.  I have only picked up knitting needles once in my life 15 years ago and I gave up after a few tries.  I am more patient in my life now.  And I have more of a yearning.  And I am creating time to be more still.  I am ready.

I am drinking in this magazine like a thirsty woman needing to hydrate.  It feels like every page, every article, photo, quote, recipe...just the whole of it speaks to what I am wanting to create in my life.

Kale has been a huge part of our diet lately and I love it raw but I know not everyone does.  There is an article by Cynthia Lair about massaging kale with sea salt to help take the bitterness out.  I had not yet heard of this trick!  So for 2 minutes I massaged my freshly chopped curly kale with some sea salt and it worked.  My kale salad was AMAZING.

{chopped and massaged kale, diced honey crisp apples, diced red cabbage, roasted pumpkin & sunflower seeds, dried cranberries tossed with a small dollop of poppy seed dressing}

A few weeks ago I had an opportunity to participate in this amazing ecourse with a tribe of SOUL~full, POWER~full women.  It was going to be a big commitment and I knew it was going to require much of my energy and time.  It spoke to so many parts of me.  Especially the need to share my gifts with the world and to touch people's lives in a healing way.  It spoke to the Creatrix in me.  It spoke to the power I know I have within me to launch something extraordinary and life altering.  But there was this deep resistance that had nothing to do whether or not I believed I was capable of this.  I knew I  was.  We all are.  But it was more about timing and the simplicity I have been craving.  It was about my family that needed me to be more present.  It was about me knowing I am changing and still in the process of relearning who I am and what I am passionate about now.

Most importantly it was about my health and the health of my boys.  Since living with toxicity in our walls in Southern California, our immune systems have been a bit off.  This winter we have been sick with flu's and colds non-stop as one person gets it, heals and gives it to another and the cycle continues.  At first it was disheartening because I feel I feed my family well and we live in a seaside village with fresh air to fill our lungs.  I had a week or so of feeling depressed about it.  We had come from a home that contributed to illness and I wondered if we had entered into another one.  I really took it on and felt I wasn't doing enough.  When the opportunity to do this ecourse came into my life and I needed to decide where my energy would go, it was then that it became clear to me.  If I have the power to create a legacy with my passions and creativity, then I have the power to help heal my family and in order to fully dive into all the parts of me that make me ME, I need to be well and so do my boys.  The shift from feeling dis-empowered to empowered felt invigorating!

So, I dedicated this year to the year of WELLNESS for my family.  Sort of a continuation of the path I have already set before me but just more of a confirmation that I am going in the right direction.  Just the idea that I am able to focus on nothing else but wellness, released a weight on my shoulders of trying to be ALL things.  I can fill my days with self care and care for my boys and that is enough right now.  And when my body feels healed and my energy returns ten fold, I know opportunities will open up for me, as so will more energy.

Self care to me right now is being really mindful while preparing and eating nourishing foods.  Making time to move my body more (yoga, long walks, dancing).  Creating a beautiful, simple and stress free environment in my home.  Learning to garden both veggies and flowers.  Meditation and prayer.  Setting aside time to connect with souls that see me and nourish my spirit.  Being present for my boys and my family.  Opening myself up to my tangible community.  My energy needs to be nowhere else for now and the permission I gave myself to do this allowed me to feel UNSTUCK from any pressure to do more.  My ecourse, my book and all else that is on the horizon for me is not going away and doing those things, while feeling WELLNESS in my bones will help me to stay more in an authentic space surrounding it all.

Its not easy to go back to the ways of living more simply and quietly when most of the people in my life are rocking their creative passions and building inspiring businesses online (and offline).  The urge to compare can at times bring on not enoughness or loneliness or even a sense of being forgotten.  But those are the moments I have to breathe and remember what is in front of me, what is tangible and what is in alignment with what I am needing right now in my life.  I can honor, celebrate and support my friends but I don't have to be doing what they are doing to be fulfilled.  I have always needed and wanted to follow my own heart and stay authentic to who I am and what I need.

And I am hoping this guy will learn from all of this the importance of listening to your heart and carving out your own path regardless of what is going on around you...

my dread journey: transformation ~ welcoming softness {part two}

shortly after i cut my dreads

cedar processing the loss and pretending to cut them. ; )

goodbye precious beauties of all tones, shapes and sizes. you hold so many stories and magic.

the products (details below)

cedar helping mama brush out a dread

mmmm...softness. taken last week. a bit more has been brushed out since.

cedar and me in vancover, b.c. last weekend. you can see how long my hair is even though the dreads were cut to my shoulder or above. when your hair is dreaded, it shrinks up in length.

Days have been moist with grayish tones in these parts lately. The sun will come out for a few minutes to remind us of what is to come and quickly hide beneath the mist. This morning the sun came out and shortly after our second snow of the season began to fall. In this moment as I sit up in our bed, snuggled in the sheets, looking out the bedroom window, I can see the snowflakes getting larger by the fall. Its so romantical to me. We are not used to Winter's permission to cocoon having lived in Southern California for 10 years. This time of cocooning has been full of so much transformation for my wee family.

Just as I am moving slowly and mindfully and simply in my life these days, I am doing the same with my dreadlocks. Brushing them out has been a very slow and mindful process. I didn't really know how long it was going to take. I didn't have much of a plan. I know some people just get to it and keep brushing until they are all smooth, a few days later. But for me, my life with a toddler that requires me to be fully engaged doesn't lend for that kind of time. So, I've been doing one or two during the evening when he is asleep. Most days just one because they take about an hour to an hour and a half to finish. I pick them out slowly and gently for less damage. There have been times when I let almost a week go by because I needed a break from it. As soon as I started to feel impatient, I took some time off. Because I want this process to be a peaceful one. And I want it to mean something...to be a ritual of letting go of what does not serve me and keeping close what does.

I started with 40 dreadlocks. I think I am down to 25. When I do it, I choose one on each side of my head to keep the loose parts even in the front. So I am moving from front to back. Right now the sides of my head are completely loose and I am going to start with the back of my head tomorrow but will do the top part of the back first.

I thought I was going to have a few friends help me. A handful of beautiful souls have offered but I am finding myself wanting to do it alone. I also have a certain way of picking them out that is working, so I worry that it would be hard for others to emulate. Part of me wonders if this is a control issue I am having or if it is more my inner self knowing this ritual is something I need to do for me. I am not sure yet. I do know that if a friend is over and I am feeling it, I will most definitely try to have them join in. I know since I am doing it alone, it is why it is taking so long. My husband would do it but since his job is designing on a computer all day, the last thing his already sore wrists and arms need is to brush out one of my dreads. It all works out perfectly.

I have noticed that my boys are cuddling up to me more. As I said in my video, they both have sensitive skin, so were unable to snuggle me and my head for too long before red bumps or rashes appeared on their skin. This is part of why I am craving softness, although not the whole of it. But an important part. I love how Cedar's been laying his head on my shoulder for much much longer these days. I marinate deep in those moments.

As each dread is released, I am feeling lighter and more weightless. My head hitting the pillow at night feels more freedom to roll about and sink into its softness. I have less headaches and neck aches. In a deeper sense, emotionally right now I am rising out of some old patterns in my life that were not healthy for me and I know this ritual has been part of that. This transformation to softness so much confirms the gentleness I am wanting to attract into my life. It is all becoming so clear to me.

More on that later. Here is what most of you have been writing and asking me about...

Boho's Dreadlock Removal Ritual:

• In the late morning, I soak the one or two dreads I want to brush out in a big bowl of warm water for as long as I can handle it. 10 minutes is ideal but I soak them realistically for about 5 minutes.
• I then wash those dreads in the sink with Knotty Boy Dread Removal Shampoo and rinse.
• I pour a quarter size dollop of Knotty Boy Dread Conditioner in my palm and work it into my dread and root.
• When the dread dries (which for me is by evening), I sit on my couch or the floor in front of a mirror and begin picking with the comb that came with the Knotty Boy Dread Removal Kit (I hear Dreadhead HQ's Dread Zasta and their comb is awesome too).  I start from the bottom of the dread and finish up at the root.  The root is the most sensitive part.
• I like to pull the dread apart first before picking.  Its not really a brushing motion.  The brushing motion seems to damage it more.  I just pick and pull out the hairs and I brush the dread at the end when I am all finished.  You will find a lot of gook in them, which is product that was left inside the dread probably from not rinsing them well enough.  Its a bit groovy to see what comes out.  ; )
• When I am finished, I treat the hair that has been brushed out with a few Shea Moisture organic all natural products.  I start with shampooing with Shea Moisture Organic Raw Shea Butter Moisture Retention Shampoo.  Then after rinsing, I apply the Shea Moisture Organic Raw Shea Butter Deep Treatment Masque and leave in for about 10 minutes.  Once rinsed and lightly towel dried, I apply Shea Moisture Coconut & Hibiscus Curl and Hold Smoothie to retain my curl and bring bounce back.
• All of these tips were inspired by watching this gorgeous diva's video.  Although she used Dreadhead products.  I wanted to but they took too long to ship.  I am happy with Knotty Boy.

While picking/brushing the dread, strands and clumps of hair come out and by the time you are done, you have a big ball of hair to throw out.  Which I hear is normal because we lose hair every day but if its been locked in a dread for years, all of that excess hair needs to be released.  It was an odd feeling at first because my hair seemed thinner and a different texture.  Once I washed and conditioned it, it felt a lot more like my hair but I know its going to take time for it to be more nourished.  I have patience. ; )

It does feel wavier/curlier than it used to.  Which is fun and playful.  And I have really enjoyed wearing hats that I was unable to wear with dreads!

love day*

in love with these two

Tell me something you are deeply in love with. A person, a song, a memory, a poem, a favorite food or drink that makes your mouth explode in ecstasy...

Whether this holiday is beautiful or blah for you...there must be one thing you love with a passion that can be celebrated. I'd love to create a space for you to honor that today.

jammy~jams, belly teas and cuddles*

I am sitting here tucked into the corner of my fabric covered couch with the filtered light from the clouds outside the window warming my cheeks. I know I promised a continuation post from my previous dread-cutting-brushing video but the Universe had other plans. We all caught a few local buggies going around town. First a chest cold and then a stomach flu. As much as there are many reasons it is hard when everyone in the house is sick at the same time, there is also something a bit romantic about it. We're given this permission to stay in our jammy-jams all day and snuggle on the couch for hours at a time and let the chores go just for a few days. We curl up and read or watch films we'd otherwise not make time for. Each of us taking turns at being nurses for one another. Then we are forced at times to be utterly selfless. When all you want to do is lay in bed under the covers, there are others more in need that you must tend to. Its a practice in love, absolute utter love.

With all of this slowing down, I have done almost nothing with my short nubbed out dreadlocks. I have only been able to brush out 10 of them in the front. I am brushing from the front to the back. My head has been achy for about a week with both bugs hitting me hard, so I needed to leave it alone. But most importantly, I really want to be in a space of feeling present and with full intention when I brush them out one by one...because it is all part of the journey for me. A way to savor. That is my word for "slow" these days as I have always known I go about things slowly. And at times in the past, it was made into something wrong about me by myself or others. Now I just embrace that I love to savor what is in front of me.

I will continue with my dread journey in the next post but until then, here are a few images of the last few days that I wanted to share...

Oh how I wish I looked THIS cute after I vomited...

What happens when you mix long hair with a remote controlled flying helicopter...

So, note to self...when playing with helicopter, wear Cedarbun...

And...my phone broke to pieces and I didn't have it for a few weeks but felt so blessed to find out we were able to upgrade to a iPhone 4S! But look at my yummy new bamboo Deer cover from Grove...{sigh}...

{thank you to Sus for guiding me to Grove. she is my go to friend for gorgeous gadgets}