my dread journey :: transformation ~ welcoming softness

This video was recorded last week. I needed some time to marinate before I shared with the world beyond these four walls the steps I was about to take on my dread journey. When a transformation is about to begin and we are still moving through the vulnerable parts, other people's opinions or attachments to our choices can cause need for more reflection. This is why I chose to do this more quietly. Which is the space I have been dwelling in for a while now; quiet, inward, meditation, listening. I am remembering the importance of living just to live in the present moment while practicing letting go of that need to be seen and validated in those moments. I am really honoring finding my self worth from within rather than from what others feel about me.

All this to say, I have been walking with this transformation for about a week now and it is in such alignment with this path I am on of not needing to create a big or bold statement with my choice. I am just moving slower these days. Quieter. Softer. Gentler. And as my hair has so often been an expression of where I am at in my life, this choice feels so good and true. I will share more details about the next phase of this transformation in my next blog post this week.

A couple of things...

• The sound is off with the movement of my lips. Not sure why. Ah well.
• Its really long. Like 19 minutes long and I cut out a lot. Was feeling chatty. ; )
• Pictures to follow very soon in the next post. For those of you that are unable to watch the video, my next post will get into more detail about this decision.
• Links for products and videos will be in next post as well.
• Lots of "ummm" goin' on between thoughts. ; )

joy that dwells far within slow time*

{my favorite feather, given to me by Rain. it reminds me that it is okay to need softness in my life}

As I sit here at my desk facing the window and little rain drops lightly fall onto the glass, I am feeling a deep peace. This peace comes from a dear friend reaching out and sending me a poem that spoke deeply to my heart. So deeply that I feel it puts words to the journey I am currently on and it puts an end to my quest to find the words, to name it. That is a weight lifted. As I read it tears fell and I whispered "yes...that is it. every. single. word."

I wanted to share it with hope that you to may find comfort in these words as well.

A BLESSING FOR ONE WHO IS EXHAUSTED:: by John O'Donohue*

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic, Time takes on the strain until it breaks; Then all the unattended stress falls in On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim. Things you could take in your stride before Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit. Gravity begins falling inside you, Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out. And you are marooned on unsure ground. Something within you has closed down; And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time. The desire that drove you has relinquished. There is nothing else to do now but rest And patiently learn to receive the self You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken And sadness take over like listless weather. The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground; Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight, Taking time to open the well of color That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone Until its calmness can claim you. Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit. Learn to linger around someone of ease Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself, Having learned a new respect for your heart And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

{thank you, kirsten. i love you.}

wintry magic*

{scarves worn by me, cedar and eugene the snowman were made by my sister Pamela. fingerless gloves from sundance}

I have only been in the snow a handful of times in my life. The first time I touched snow I think I was about 5 years old. We lived in the bay area in California near San Francisco, so it was a very very rare thing to happen in our neighborhood. But it did. Once in the 25 years that I lived there. I think we went up to the snow in Nevada once as a family (we were more about Summer camping in the woods). And with my girlfriends, I went up to Tahoe a few times, trying to learn how to ski and failing miserably. Then once in Tahoe with my boyfriend in my late twenties, to learn how to snowboard. Ouch. But fun. Especially because that day the sun came out and it was surreal to be snowboarding down a hill with the sun shining on my face (when it wasn't planted in the snow). When I lived in Dallas for four years in my twenties, it lightly snowed once and was only on the side of the road in dirty chunks. The last time I saw snow was in Victoria, B.C...when my husband and I went there for Thanksgiving the year before Cedar was born. To soothe our achy hearts. It was an unexpected snow storm and we were held there a few days longer (darn) and many stores closed down because they were not prepared (they had one snow plow in whole city). I sat up on the window seat on the 3rd floor of our hotel watching the snowflakes for hours. It was so meditative for me.  It moves me into a safe cocoon.

All this to say, snow is so very precious to me. And I really know nothing about how to live in it, which my husband finds amusing since he grew up with snowed in winters in Ontario, Canada. Last week, we were so blessed to have a handful of days blanketed in snow. We hear that snowfall that actually stays on the ground in our seaside village is a rare thing, so we marinated in it deep. It was such a dream for me...to see neighbors sledding down our street at night. And us as a family sledding down a hill at the park down the street. Boho Boy teaching us how to make a snowman and then me noticing snowmen on every corner. It was surreal, really...and perfect for what I needed.

Being "snowed in" is a bit how I feel right now. Even though the snow has melted. I am pulling in deep and feeling the permission to do so without guilt. There are a lot of emotions I am sitting with, a lot of transition and transformation going on inside of me. I haven't been able to put it into words but I feel the words coming. Just being in it is what I have allowed to happen. Not really naming it but just letting whatever it is move through me. There has been a lot of change for me in the past few years and with it, I have changed and I am now beginning to find my footing so that I can walk forward into my Heart Quest. I have more to share on this. And perhaps even a video of some good stuff that is coming in my life.

The sun just came out through the window, brushing the side of my cheek. The sun. Another rare thing in these parts during this time of year. I better step outside, breathe deep and drink up its medicine.

sponsor GIVEaway ~ squam gratitude journal*

"gratitude can transform common days into Thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy and change ordinary opportunitites into blessings."

~william arthur ward

This gratitude journal is designed to last throughout the year. Each day there is a place to write five things you are grateful for.

Professionally printed on 60lb cream paper, the gratitude journal is 5"w x 8"h. It is a soft-bound book that feels much like a paperback novel. The inside page features the above quote from William Arthur Ward. There are three options for you to choose from, each features an original photograph by Amy Gretchen on the cover. You can choose between the beach fence, the mushrooms, and the spider web. Or, perhaps you will want one of each as they are beautiful gifts. Also, these are timeless as they do not have the year imprinted on them; the days of each month are simply numbered.  You can find these beautiful journals in the Squam online store.

The Squam staff put together a sweet little video to show you what a beautiful practice the keeping of a gratitude journal can be...(this is my dear friend Elizabeth in the video.  Creator/Director of Squam).

A few things to keep in mind:

• Shipping and handling: Journals are made to order, and will begin to arrive in mid-February.
• Orders must be received on or before January 31, 2012.
• We are HAPPY to ship internationally, please contact Michelle directly for details & rates: michelle@squamartworkshops.com
• These journals are exclusive to squam, which makes them one-of-a-kind collectibles, but this also means that they will not be available again.

GIVEaway Rules:

• Includes one gratitude journal for one of my readers (whichever cover they prefer)
• To enter leave a comment (one comment per person, please)
• In the comment, please tell us one thing you are grateful for so far in 2012
• Winner will be chosen at random
• Comments will be closed at 10pm PST Sunday, January 22nd
• Winner announced Monday, January 23rd

loved good*

{some scenes from my sister's farm at christmas and traveling to and fro}

So much swirling around in my world. All heart stuff. Nothing flashy. Just really simplifying my life and what I am surrounding myself with. I am off to northern california yet again tomorrow for a few days. Our first family therapy session. Hold us in your hearts. I am scared, excited, nervous, oh so many things. This is good, so good...a very long process beginning now. I surrender to it all. Everybody just wants love and to be loved good.

More soon.

year of the deer*

dear deer, so grateful for all you teach me.

xo, boho girl

happy new near from the bohos*

Boho Boy's brother Jon-Erik has been with us for over a week now. He flew into Northern California to stay with us at my sister's farm and followed us back home. The boys are keeping me very busy! They did a little New Years ditty for y'all at one of our favorite parks (above).

I'll come back soon to share images and stories of Christmas at the Farm.

Blessings to each of you as we journey into a New Year full of possibilities.

xoxo

soul*stice.

"On the longest night of the year, as we prepare to enter back into the light, it is important that we honor the darkness with as much reverence as we do the sun's return. Gestation and regeneration take place in the dark. We once grew in a dark womb. Plants begin their lives under the dark cover of soil before they emerge into the sun. Our dark places are not to be feared. They are as necessary to life as the light. Without a shadowed haven into which to retreat, even the life-giving sun will eventually kill you. The light and the darkness give balance and perspective to all of life."

Thoughts on the Solstice sent to me tonight by my love Mani.

{dream catcher was a beautiful gift from my friend rain, custom made by roots & feathers.  the star ornament is a gift from my friend sus and i hope she leaves from where in the comments because i know you'll ask!}

shedding, peeling, healing, changing*

self portrait today

The other day I was driving down a coastal road and the song Dream by the Cranberries came on the radio. A rush of memories swirled through my mind. That song seemed to carry me through so many enormous transitions in my life. Somehow it would end up playing at just the right time. I remember it being on repeat when I would take jogs around downtown in Northern California or on a hike with me in the hills overlooking the valley or when I would pull the top down on my Tracker and ride to Santa Cruz with my long ponytail flapping through my denim Gap cap. Still...the other day, it came on and I rolled down our windows even though it was raining and I looked back at Cedar with his eyes shut and a huge smile on his face. I had one of those happy cries. The kind where you giggle to yourself and a tear follows and your breath deepens and it just feels goooood.

I needed this moment. Life has felt intense lately. I've really pulled in and am in a space of peeling layers of old. I told a friend tonight "we grieve over things lost even when they are not good for us. even when we no longer want or need them in our life, we still hold love in our hearts for them. its a shedding, a peeling off and it hurts and leaves us raw and in time, some longer than others, it heals." I am in that space where in order to live in this new life fully present, I am needing to let go of old ways of being and there are so many layers to that.  It involves how I move my body, what I put into my body, the relationships in my life, in my family, the way I share myself with others, the way I communicate and connect and its not just one big thing its tiny little things among each of these that add up to feeling enormous right now.  But its beautiful.  Its hard.  Its ugly.  Its vulnerable.  Its frightening as heck.  But its also so very freeing and grounding all at once.  And I feel so very blessed because I have had new and old dears come to me, without me seeking them out, that have been so very patient with this process, and I feel like each of them have been aloe to my soul...to the wounds that are left from the peeling.  I am a sensitive being and I know that cannot be easy for others at times but man, the gentleness this attracts into my life is mmm mmm good.

I see a lot of peace coming around the corner for the new year.  I see a lot of change.  I see being the change.

yummiest. parenting. book. ever.

restoring my spirit*

{our frosty branch one morning}

I've received quite a few emails asking if everything is okay.  Many so curious as to why I have been quieter than usual here in this space.  And because it hasn't really been a conscious decision, I've had to ask myself the same questions.

I feel like moving here has birthed a transition within me, not just in body (obviously) but in spirit.  Its been happening mildly, slowly...ever so gently but I feel like this is just the beginning of shedding layers, healing past wounds, opening to new ways of being in this world and restoring my spirit .  I suppose with this transformation, I am listening deeper and paying attention more quietly than before. In the past I would work through my life by writing it out. Now I find myself sitting with it.  Meditating on it all.  Seeking in solitude.

Our lifestyle has changed so much, so fast with my husband working from home, just a door knock away, living in a real house with a backyard and front yard and neighbors that pop by, with forest a few feet away and ocean a few blocks away.  We've been nesting and exploring.  I thought when we first moved here, we would dive deeply into community but we found ourselves pulling in as a family.  Slowly rooting ourselves, becoming familiar with our surroundings but mostly just craving togetherness.  And it seemed until most recently, I only had energy for the three of us, really and creating a space that nurtured each of our spirits.  Only just now do I find us having the energy and space to connect to community and to other parents and their children.  Perhaps we were also following Cedar's groove, who seems to be at a time in his life where he is wanting to invite others into his wild imagination when for so long he preferred to be alone in his own world.  Its so beautiful to witness him opening, connecting to others and how he seems to be able to find kindred spirits.

{cedar exploring frost for the first time}

{cedar pretending to be a barista making me a latte}

For over ten years I lived in an area where I didn't feel I belonged as much as I tried to.  And the community that held me so close during my fertility journey was my online community of gorgeous bright creative motivated world changing bloggers.  Connecting to my friends within this tribe was through emails and texts and comments on blog posts, facebook and twitter and instagram...and occasional meet-ups or retreats or phone dates.  And for an introvert like me who needs a lot of alone time, these connections served my spirit.  And of course, they still serve my spirit.  I think because I was not connecting on a deeper level with anyone local, that I grew accustom to my online connections being the only friends I felt safe to let into my heart.

What I am realizing now that I am living in a seaside town full of kindred spirits, is that I have almost forgotten what it is like to have a friend that lives down the street that I can call and meet up.  Or have people that show up in my life, not only on "my" time but also on theirs.  It's as if since moving here, I have resisted this type of intimacy because it felt THAT foreign to me and almost a bit over stimulating for my introverted self.  Although I know it is what I need and what my son needs and my husband.  We have for so long talked about going back to simplicity as a family. Connecting deeper to nature, less time with technology, more reading, more community...slowing...slowing.

This is what I mean by a slow transition.   I didn't want to drastically transition from online world to in person world.  I found myself pulling back from my online life and sitting with it.   Asking myself many questions.  What is it like to live my life and not share so much of it publicly?  I felt like I was constantly checking in with my heart...am I doing this for me?  Am I doing this to share it with the world?  Have I forgotten what it feels like to not be so SEEN?  I wanted to remember.  To remember what it was like to live each day and hold it close...for myself and those around me.  I suppose it sounds a bit selfish as I am writing this out but I think for me, for us, it was selfish in a healthy way.  Healthy in the way of cocooning or hibernating when you know your body needs rest and when you know in order to be a good friend, sister, daughter wife, mother, you need restoration of some sort.

Now that I am somewhat surfacing and opening myself up to this community, a few mamas have come into my life organically.  A new cafe opened up here downtown for parents of children with a huge play area.  I have met a handful of gentle mamas and a few where Cedar really connected with their children and we've exchanged numbers like we're "dating".  I also have been invited into a women's circle by my dear friend in town that has held our family so gently and has been SO patient with my need to be quiet.

With all of this opening for me, I am in a space where I want to find a balance between my online connections and my in person ones.  I don't have the answers yet but I am surrendering the idea of needing to have it figured out.  As I am rising out of this quiet space, I see all of my dear, deep, soulful online friends rocking their online spaces;  eCourses, workshops, books, book tours and so much more.  On some days, it takes an enormous amount of energy for me to not compare myself to them, knowing that me pulling back, cancelling my eCourse, putting aside my book, taking a break from photography sessions, postponing teaching a class at a retreat this fall, was a healthy choice for me and my family during this time of transition.  Perhaps there will be a time for me to enter back into being more public or perhaps I will dive deeper into this community and put my energy into those spaces.  I am unsure.  What I do know is that this next year, I am going to continue on the path of restoring my spirit and I am still learning what that is because I feel like so much is shifting.

{self portrait in our hotel elevator in Victoria, B.C.}

{getting a yerba mate latte, downtown Victoria}

Its actually been really nice living deeper in each moment without the urge to run to the computer to share.  I notice I am more present in those moments and I am discovering a whole new kind of sacredness in this quiet.  Perhaps I will learn how to bring this sacredness into my writings again.  

So, I suppose all of what I shared may answer those questions I've been receiving in my inbox asking if I am okay.  I am grateful that by you asking this question, I was given the space to explore it and learned that, yah...I am more than okay. It feels good to acknowledge that.

guest post by stephanie ~ winners announced*

I’m back!

Wow, just wow. I’ve enjoyed every moment reading through each comment on my giveaway and visiting your beautiful sites and blogs. I related so deeply with the comments, as if I wrote the some of the words myself. I look forward to nourishing these new connections.

I am humbled by the outpouring of honesty. You are an amazing tribe and I am so grateful to be a small part of it. I truly felt the common thread running through the responses...desires to find oneself, find your balance, get healthy, extend the love you have inside outward, slow down. Its possible to get there...sometimes just putting it out there for all to view helps you see your own truth. Your desires become real. I encourage you not to stop here.

I would love to know if anything has changed for you since posting. Have you acted any differently, noticed a subtle awareness, experienced any synchronicity? Let’s keep this conversation flowing. You can email me at wellnessbydesignsp@gmail.com as comments are down for a bit on my blog.

Congratulations to Joanna and Karis! Please send me your emails so that we can set our little date up! XO {note from boho girl: stephanie became my holistic health coach a few months ago. i also consider her my heart and soul coach. the reason why i wanted to share her with you is because she is THAT fabulous and THAT real and THAT inspiring and THAT yummy. she's been so patient with me and compassionate and one of the things i love most about her is she truly LISTENS without projecting. she allows you to be you. my favorite trait in a person.}

holiday nourishment GIVEaway*

Oh hello there*. I’m Stephanie. A mama of two boys. Artist. Holistic health coach. Sometimes overwhelmed. Sometimes reaching for a little sweet when stressed. Recovered {mostly} emotional eater. Constantly rediscovering how real food makes me feel alive, fog lifted. Lover of twinkle lights, painting, the smell of beeswax, secret gardens, sea glass & driftwood, horses with curly manes, candlelit conversations, skirts & boots, wool anything, woodland walks with her boys and a bit of mercury glass. Major passion for working with other creative women. Seeker of deep connections. So honored to meet you*.

I work with women. Mama or not, single or together. Those who are a bit lost, at the end of their rope. Done with diets. Struggling with something but can’t quite put their finger on it. Knowing there must be something better. I’m here to say that if you choose to walk a different path I can walk with you. Support you and hold space for you. Together we can create something sacred.

I am beyond excited to extend my gratitude to the Universe and all it has given me. My greatest wish is to give back in some way, so today I am offering up an opportunity for a free “Holiday Nourishment” session to two special readers of Denise’s poetry.

Gently guiding you toward simple, less stress and a bit of magic. I’m here to help you get your twinkle back.

This is your chance to really make the holidays what YOU want them to be. It’s an opportunity to go from wishing to doing. 50 minutes of one on one time carved out and customized just for you.

First, we will set a time to have a chat. Don’t forget your cup of tea and a cozy blanket. We will talk, ask questions and connect. After our session you will have some new goals and a deeper sense of what you need to do for yourself to make some magic happen. Then, I’ll follow up with you with some recipes and tips that will help support your and your new intentions.

GIVEaway: For a chance to be entered into the drawing, please leave a comment on this post (one comment per person, please) and share your biggest, deepest or secret holiday wish! The two winners will be announced in 5 days when the giveaway ends.

{To get in touch with Stephanie, you can find her on Facebook or stop by and visit her new blog.}

affirmation chair*

chairs inside and in front of mole restaurant, downtown victoria, b.c.

*gentle*vibrant*abundant*inspiring*beautiful*

Saw these during our trip to Victoria last week. And it moved me so. If we were to all make an affirmation chair for ourselves, how beautiful would that be? What would your chair say?

three*

Cedar is three today.

Three things about Cedar.  He's...

A little bit Comical. A little bit Soul. A little bit Zen.

I sit here snuggled up on the couch, gazing now and then in front of me at the birthday fort we built Cedar.  Each year we promised to do this and he wakes to a corner of fabric and pillows and balloons and a few presents.  His sacred hideaway.  His little cave.  It stays up for a while.

Yesterday, as I made the tiny preparations for his special day, I walked around in a bit of a haze and felt my heart both ache and soar about all of it.  His growing up feels so sudden.  Once he grasped language and could communicate fully, I was able to see deeper into layers of who he is.  And as much as his discoveries and sharings and imagination is so new, my connection to his stories feel so ancient, so familiar.  All those years of trying to conceive, it was this very spirit that he is coming to be, that I felt near me.  I probably say this often.  I don't remember.  But it is THAT true and wild.  I knew him before he came to us.  I heard his whispers.  And now...I get to feel them close, like when I am laying with him in bed and he puts his arms around me, rests his forehead on mine and says "lets talk mommy" with his sweet breath tickling my nose.  And oh the talks we have.  This is just the beginning.

As Maezen said to me earlier today..."3 is little. Little and wise."

More soon.  I've pulled in a bit, slowed down as the darkness of winter approaches and the chill in the air beckons me to snuggle in.  Reading this book again has awakened my heart.  Just returned from a long weekend away with a soul sister in need.  Life feels different to me as I re-enter.  I am navigating my way through it and brought to a space of slowing and savoring.

sponsor guest post ~ elise of peaceful mommas

I’m so excited about my newest class, Holiday Grace.

Don’t you just adore the name? I know – me too! In this online class, we’re gonna’ cover:

• Saying NO WAY to media-induced comparison. (I mean seriously, why do we even allow ourselves to feel bad that we cannot afford to buy our spouse an expensive car for Christmas? It’s just silly.)
• Dreaming. When was the last time you made time for yourself to think and dream about what you want these next 7-weeks to be like? We don’t. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the stress.
• Handling other people’s (family members mostly…I know) anxiety with grace.
• Stress-free budgeting. (#1 comes in here again. It’s a major theme.)
• Creating traditions.
• Staying calm.
• Enjoying (not stressing out over) the week-before buzz.
• Moving into January with love and ease.

The class is $59 for the 7 weeks.

Here is a link to a video of me hanging out in my office sans shower and going through what is covered. :)

Class starts Monday Nov. 14, but you have until Friday, Nov. 18 to sign up!

Sincerely, Elise

togetherness*

New windows were installed today. Three upstairs, one downstairs and our home was covered in plastic and we had to stay in a safe room (home built in 1900, precautions in regards to lead paint). So, we added some romance to it and while Boho Boy built databases, Cedar and I painted, snacked and listened to music (not the same trance music as daddy, blaring through his DJ fresh headphones).

We are finally surfacing. My sister was here all last week and the day she arrived, I felt the flu coming on. Oh how I was wishing it away but there it stayed. A gnarly chest flu that is going around town. So within a day of me being full on ill, she caught it and then Boho Boy caught it and so far Cedar only has the sniffles. So all week, we were lounging around on the couch, feeling miserable and trying our best to help one another when we really just wanted to bury ourselves under the covers. Being hit hard with a flu is rough. Being hit hard with a flu and having to take care of others is a lesson in LOVE and patience. We took care of one another. We survived. And we survived well. A little curly headed wood nymph was the light of our days, insightful enough to know we weren't our best and made his best efforts at bringing us joy.

When my parents were here a month ago, they caught food poisoning. Both of these visits were lessons for me in surrendering expectations to entertain and really being mindful about "togetherness" and the importance of quality over quantity.

Nearing the end of the week, a new local friend of ours made us soup and dropped it off on our doorstep. A selfless offering of love and healing. We were so grateful and humbled...

ps. various homemade soups and oil of oregano pills... pure magic for our healing.

Samhain*

pumpkin envy: my next door neighbor's porch. ; )

Been learning more about Samhain, recently...and feeling more deeply connected to it than Halloween.

"Samhain Eve is one of the principal festivals of the Celtic calendar, and is thought to fall on or around the 31st of October. It represents the final harvest. The Celtic year began in November, with Samhain (meaning "summer's end"). ... ... Spiritually, Samhain is a time for reflection and meditation on death, and the honor of your ancestors who have passed to another plane. It is an opportunity to be at one with your past, present and future. The Great Feast of the Dead is celebrated on Samhain Eve to offer tribute to those who lived before you, and those who will come after you.

Samhain predates the Roman feast of the Dead, Lemuria, and All Hallow's Eve - the eve of the Christian holiday to honor the saints, All Saint's Day. The secular holiday today is known as Halloween. All of these festivals, though called by different names, are celebration of the awe, communication with, and respect of the dead."

However it is you choose to celebrate this day, I am hoping you feel surrounded in love by those that are in front of you and those that are with you in spirit.

deer medicine*

Every day this sweetness of a deer comes to visit us. Walks up near our doorstep. Peeks in near our window. Sometimes the mama comes. And each time, the gentle medicine it offers is at just the right time.

When we see it stepping on our lawn, Boho Boy runs to our backyard to grab a few apples from our tree and we throw it the apples and sit on the steps to watch it feast. Such a peace washes over us with her gaze. We look forward to this every day.

The first photo I took was the first one up above. When looking at it on my phone, I thought I caught a sun flare at the top right corner. But once I uploaded it onto my computer, I realized it was my reflection in the window. It somehow seemed significant to the place I am at in my life right now. Me, connecting to my roots, what connects me to Mother Earth and the Divine and how we are all so connected.

I was given this book by a friend when I lived in Berkeley 10 years ago. It was my first introduction into animal totems and the medicine and messages animals offer us when they come into our path. Most recently I have been awakened and made more aware of this by some dear souls in my life.

As I said earlier...this deer offers wisdom that I deeply need right now.  I was guided to this link by a friend and it resonates so deep with where I am right now on my path, especially the section I wrote in blue: Deer's medicine includes gentleness in word, thought and touch. The ability to listen, grace and appreciation for the beauty of balance. Understanding of what's necessary for survival, power of gratitude and giving, ability to sacrifice for the higher good, connection to the woodland goddess, alternative paths to a goal.

Only when we move through life in the spirit of love for all beings can we melt the barriers that separate us from others, from other life forms, and from the beautiful mystery which is our own magical and spiritual gift.

By observing the ways in which deer behave, it is possible to see what amazing qualities - or powers - they possess. From the deer we can learn that the gift of gentleness and caring can help us overcome and put aside many testing situations. Only love, both for ourselves and for others, helps us understand the true meaning of wholeness.

If a deer crosses your path, this may show you that you are a very compassionate, gentle and loving person. If you don't have these qualities, then consider if you have a problem that needs addressing. Are you facing a challenge in your life, whether with a fellow human being or a delicate situation? If you are feeling negative emotions such as anger, try letting go. Think about whether a gentler and more loving approach can sort the issue out. It may be necessary to speak the truth, this is best done with kindness and from the heart, this will generally give a better result.

Deer teaches us how powerful it is to be of gentle demeanor, to exert keen observation and sensitivity. Deer's are in tune with nature and all it comprises. They are sacred carriers of peace and show those with this power animal how to open their hearts and love unconditionally.

Deer has entered your life to help you walk the path of love with full consciousness and awareness, to know that love sometimes requires caring and protection, not only in how we love others, but also in how we love ourselves.

Deer teaches us to be gentle, to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are in our lives. Don't push people to change, rather gently nudge them in right direction, with the love that comes from deer. Love and accept people as they are. The balance of true power lays in love and compassion.

When a Deer totem enters your world, a new innocence and freshness in about to be awakened. New adventures are just around the corner and there will be an opportunity to express the gentle love that will open new doors for you.

baptism*

I remember in the dark of the night, walking up to a friend's cabin at Squam a few years back. She and a few others were huddled in front, bundled in sweaters and scarves but their hair was soaked. Each of their faces were filled with a rosy-cheeked glow. I knew something went down and when I asked, they excitedly told me how they just returned from skinny dipping by moonlight in the lake. I remember feeling my heart take flight for each of them and at the same time, it ached to feel that free in my body and comfortable in my skin.

I've attracted quite a few free spirited friends in my life. I lived vicariously through their stories of running naked with people in a field or soaking nude in a hot springs. I've often wondered what it would feel like to be so uninhibited that way. I wondered if I was capable of not being self conscious. I grew up in a very modest household. We didn't walk around naked like some of my friend's families. We always dressed or went to the bathroom in private. I honor this way of being too. I am grateful that I considered my body, my temple sacred when in romantic relationships at such a young age. All of that served me so well then.

But now, especially lately, I ache for a freedom and acceptance and celebration of my body. Perhaps its turning 40. Perhaps its me wanting to release the wounds left from (in)fertility and the doubts that crept in about me being fully woman. Perhaps its me being more open to the call of sisters long before me that danced under the moon with their skin glowing and curves swaying up on a mountaintop where shame didn't exist. Perhaps me pulling the layers of clothing off would feel symbolic to me of renewal and rebirth and transformation in this new world I am living in. Whatever it is and I know I don't really need to know what it is exactly yet...but this ache led me to something so beautiful that happened yesterday.

A new organic farmer friend of mine invited me over to this glorious house where she is house sitting up on a hill over looking the bay. In my mind, I imagined us snuggling up on the couch with tea and soaking in this very first time her and I had alone. Any other time we were together with both of my boys. Her and I have been longing for girl time. When I arrived, the sun came out and warmed our skin after a spell of such chilled weather, so we decided to say out on the deck. She had told me she put the hot tub on and that she wanted to go in nude. I sat with her on the deck, as we both were petting a cat and I felt my heart pounding in my chest. She held me gently with her gaze, and I felt the tears come and I shared with her how healing this will be for me and that I have never been fully nude out in the open with a friend. I knew this was the time. The time to shed the temptation to hide, to shed shame and to accept I am fully woman, along side this other woman...fully woman. She was moved that this was new and tender and that she was the one to honor it all with me.

I found myself wanting to savor the moment. I shed my clothing one by one, slowly. We then soaked our bodies and it was the most natural feeling. Mmmmm...water on skin, sun on face, crisp breeze on shoulders, the sounds of nature echoing around us. I wondered why it took me so long to be in this space but at the same time, I also honored the perfect timing of it all. And now I get it. I get the healing power of being fully nude in mother nature alone or among people you feel safe with. Like a friend said to me yesterday, it felt like a baptism and a coming home to an ancient part of me that wants to be heard and felt and seen and loved and held divine like a newborn is fresh from the womb and into our arms.

This photo was taken shortly after our time together in the tub. Her and I were on our knees, looking out the window, reading from a book of Buddhist quotes. My skin still moist, my dreads still dripping, the peace radiating from my heart. I wanted to take this photo to remember the complete surrender I felt in this moment. The connection to God and Goddess and all things living and breathing. One love surrounding me, within me.

When I looked at this image, I cried. Yes. THAT is how it felt. There it is. Baptism captured.

the apples i've tasted*

our apple tree

A dear friend guided me to this and it moved me so much that I wanted to share it with all of you... “Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ~ Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

I am sitting in gratefulness for the apples I have tasted.