the language of my heart*

I think I've been quiet here because I've been in a space of observing and listening. I suppose I feel a bit awed. Okay, a lot awed by our surroundings. Including what goes on inside of my home and the intimacy I am feeling with my boys. Right now Cedar is sleeping on our couch near me in a ball of sunlight shining through our window. I can see the shadows of dragonfly lights that we have hung on our windows on his face. Cedar has never slept anywhere but his bed or our bed. There is a peace dwelling here that we have not felt in so long.

Yesterday we took a trail that is a few streets down in our neighborhood. It led us to an old farm that sits up on a tall hill overlooking the bay and an island and the mountains. We laid out a blanket. We ate. We did more breathing and listening than talking. Our bodies were close. We held one another. Boho Boy's hand reached for mine if Cedar was between us. I write this with a tear in my eye. So much healing. We've had a rough few years. I can feel it slowly melting, walls peeling and a soft underbelly feeling less afraid to exist without so much protectiveness.

The home we are in is so special. The old man that lived here before us left a legacy it seems. Our neighbors talk of him fondly and it warms my heart that they are embracing us in this home. It seems they were waiting for people to live within these walls that captured the spirit of the man who once lived here. One of our favorite neighbors, a new friend of mine, has won my heart. She is moving soon and told me she now feels safe leaving this sweet village knowing that our family will continue to live and breathe the magic of this neighborhood. For nine years I lived in a place where I felt a bit misunderstood and here, within a few short days, I am wrapped up by souls that I feel speak the language of my heart.

{when finishing this post, i thought i would take a photo of cedar sleeping...}

sponsor GIVEaway*

photo of elise by creative monkey photo

Inspired Balance ~ Everyday Peace Workshop

Elise is offering one free space in her  Everyday  Peace Workshop to one of my readers!

She is also offering anyone who signs up for the workshop starting 3/1 and mentions (via email) Boho Girl - the class for $20 instead of $35 - with a free copy of her ebook Simple Feng Shui for Everyday Peace.

About Elise:

In my past - and we are talking high school here - I was an overachieving, stressed out, flute and viola playing, National Merit Semi-Finalist daughter of a Methodist minister. I got lots of scholarships, attended Southern Methodist University in Dallas and joined a sorority. I tried, but it turns out I wasn’t the Texas sorority kinda’ girl. I dropped out and came home to the Midwest. I continued my schooling and worked in the fields of microbiology and biochemistry before I came the conclusion that I was extraordinarily miserable working in a lab all day.

Luckily, I met my dream boat at a party in the mid-nineties. Not to get too sappy, but it really was love at first sight. Ask anyone that was there. It was so crazy cool! I left my schooling since I was hating it anyway and moved to California with him a year later. After arriving in sunny Palm Springs, I fell into non-profit arts management as a traditional career. We got married a little after that, moved back to midwest, and had our first child. Life was extremely stressful, but we tried to be happy.

I was run over by a truck a few years back. There is just something about those near death experiences that do tend to change your outlook on things. My life certainly changed. I stepped out of the rat race, went to Feng Shui and Soul Coaching school, and found out that life was way more amazing than I was giving it credit for. Who knew?! A year later I was fired from my job while pregnant on April Fools Day, so I decided the universe was trying to tell me something. I listened.

I took a huge leap of faith and became a Certified Soul Coach and a Certified Interior Alignment Practitioner of Instinctive Feng Shui and Sacred Space Clearing. I received my Interior Alignment certification from the amazing Laurie Bornstein and her Harmony Life School of Interior Alignment. I am extremely blessed to be one of the few, select individuals worldwide, personally trained and certified by the inspirational Denise Linn in her specialized methods of coaching. Additionally, I am a Red-Ribbon Professional Member of the International Feng Shui Guild.

I founded Inspired Balance in 2007, started helping people find more peace, and here I am.

Giveaway Rules:

• Winner receives one free space in Elise's Everyday Peace Workshop
• To enter, please leave a comment with a quick tip that helps you find Peace in your everyday life
• One entry per person
• Comments will be closed on Friday, February 25th at 10PM PST
• Winner will be chosen at Random.org
• Winner will be announced this weekend! So check back!

{ Side note:  Doesn't Elise just have such a serene energy about her in this photo?  Like I could just gaze at her beautiful soft face and worries, fears, anxieties just melt away.  Do we all have a wee crush on her now? And her name.  I have ALWAYS loved the name Elise.}

*************************

WINNER: #24...Lana of House of Wilkens!!  Congrats Lana.  Elise will contact you shortly.  xoxo

its the journey, not the destination*

The other day I was walking on the grass at the park with Cedar. I had my iPhone ready to capture some moments of him during play. I ended up tripping a bit on a wee hole and falling. My phone went flying. I heard the camera go off. This image above is what was captured. The red you see are my favorite pair of pants that I live in. The flare is from the sun. I think you can see a whirl of green grass even.  So much beauty captured before landing to the ground.  Which reminds me of a quote.  "Its the Journey, not the destination...".

I am sure some of you have sensed by my quietness here and what I have shared that there has been a lot going on with our Boho Family.  Just a lot.  There has been some heavy emotional terrain within my immediate family that my sensitive heart has taken on.  Then there has been Boho Boy and his health not being where he needs it to be with a chronic sinus infection, kidney stones and a bladder infection.  We are information geeks and he is most comfy with holistic treatments, so that takes energy to find what suits his body and to continue to be mindful of what could be causing this for him.  Then there is our precious Cedar and the entrance into his two years on this earth where his body and mind are growing fast beyond his communication skills.  A space where he needs to release all these new sensations physically and emotionally and unless we are fully present, there is an abundance of emotion expressed.  He is our spiritedly passionate, wild, sprite, gnome boy who deeply wants others to be in his imaginary world...right there with him and he senses when we're not.  ; )  I think because of all this, preparing to uproot ourselves into a new home and a few other things, I feel like I am always on the verge of having a cold.  That achy, tired, sore throaty feeling.  Sometimes it goes away only to come back later that evening or the next day.  Having both Celiac since birth and endometriosis, two auto immune disorders, I know this means I don't have the most stellar immune system.  Usually when there are big things going on for me emotionally, my body absorbs it and releases it through a bit of illness.   I usually know what to do to prevent such things but with all this whirly stuff going on, I have to be honest in that my focus hasn't been on taking the best care of myself.  We've all been there.  These seasons within our bodies and the ebb and flow of self care depending on how much energy we can give ourselves.  I think those periods of time when it feels this way is called Survival Mode.

So this brings me to my e-course.  My husband and I sat down the other night and got a bit real with something we've been trying to ignore.  Registrations for my e-course are coming up and neither one of us feel as prepared as we had planned.  On his end, he is designing a gorgeous feature for my Nectar Girls and has not had enough time to finish it.  He had to take on a few more clients for his database design business in order to build up his clientele for when he goes independent and the work load is greater than he had envisioned.  On my end, with all that has been going on, I wondered how I would guide so many soulful women to get in touch with their nectar, when mine was feeling undernourished.  Throughout my life journey, it has been so important for me to remain authentic and when I teach this course, I need to be in alignment with the truth that I am sharing.  There are so many elements to this course that are nourishing and what I need to do in order to feel in a place to teach is to make them my practice and reconnect with my own nectar.

So many fears surfaced about me postponing my course.  I worried that many of you would lose interest and not be there when I finally felt ready.  I felt a bit like I had failed myself, failed you...and my vision.  The hours following that discussion with my husband, I wasn't very gentle with myself.  When I get like this, I put a call out to my soul sisters to help me clear the muck, quiet the voices that are false and get back to my truths.  One of them said to me; "I think one of the many reasons so many of us admire you is because you always honor what's right for you. This is just another example of you honoring the space you are in." and another said "You are wise and brave and you are teaching more by doing this than you ever could by teaching about nourishment when you yourself were undernourished!" Man, I felt so loved and understood and blessed to be surrounded by gentle teachers.  Their support confirmed so much to me what my heart was aching to say to myself, to all of you.  I just want to always keep it real and I couldn't pretend in order to live up to what was expected of me.  When I shared it with my sister last night, she said that she had a feeling it would be too much but what I love about her is that she allows me to figure it out on my own. Another friend reminded me of being on an airplane and the flight attendants telling us to put our oxygen masks on first before we put them on our children. I need to breathe first before I can help another breathe.

I also feel so deeply that this journey I am currently walking on will become part of my course.  As I am shifting and evolving through this process, so will what I share with you.  The timing will be just what it is supposed to be.  I don't know when yet but as soon as i begins to feel right, I will announce the new date.  We are imagining mid Summer, after our move.

Just as in the photo above, the unplanned, unexpected and down right messy can turn out to be quite beautiful because our lives are about the journey and not the destination. This time, this ebb, this mess... is all part of that beauty.

GIVEaway Winner!

{me and cedar on a choo choo train this morning}

Thanks to those of you that participated in last week's Sponsor GIVEaway.

The winner of a spot in Vivienne's luscious e-course is #110...Xena!

Xena...do send me an email at denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com and I will get you in touch with Viv. Congrats lovely!! xoxo

Sponsor GIVEaway*

Vivienne McMaster is a Vancouver, B.C. based photographer who is on a mission to help people create images in which they feel seen for their true selves. Through her own journey with self-portraiture she has gathered tips, prompts and ideas to help women to turn the cameras on themselves and to like what they see. She has some unique approaches to self-portraiture that explore its healing potential and the way it can transform our relationship to beauty.

She runs a 6 week online course called You are Your Muse which dives into finding our visual voice, telling our stories, exploring light, finding our beauty and learning how to getting to know our cameras can help us get images we adore. You are Your Own Muse does dive deep and invites participants to look inwards as they create images that invite empowerment of our physical selves as well.

She has launched a new session of You are Your Own Muse and is also offering a brand new 4 week e-course called Wading In: Dipping Our Toes into Self-Portraiture which is designed for participants just beginning their self-portrait journey. Wading In invites participants on a playful, whimsical adventure. Through videos and fun posts you'll be invited along on photo walks with Vivienne and be inspired to dip your toes into inviting yourself into your photos!

Today Vivienne is giving away one spot to Wading In which starts January 17th.

Giveaway Rules:

• To enter, leave a comment
• It can be one word or many telling us who or what is your current muse
• Comments will be open until Sunday, January 16th at 10pm PST
• Winner will be chosen at random.org
• Winner will be announced on Monday, January 17th
• I may do another post between now and then but will direct readers to this post so you can still enter

{all images in this post were taken by Vivienne}

ps. I have a new Facebook account for my ecourse: BohoGirl Denise

question to my readers & winner*

{me & my flyaway roots, self portrait}

I took this photo for my loved ones with my Palm Pre to document a flirty day at Whole Foods. Let me explain but first may I say I am not happy with the photo quality from my Palm Pre phone? I don't remember which version it is but I think it is one of the first to come out, so I am sure they have improved on it but my photographer heart is longing for the groovy iPhone that most of my peeps have (with the funky phone apps). Must save up for such things.  For now, I will be grateful that I am able to take photos with my phone, period.

Okay, so flirty day at Whole Foods. Its been a long time since I've been flirted with. I don't expect to ever be and I don't need to be and I don't seek it out but when it happens, I suppose I am at the age where one might make a bigger deal out of it than before. You lovelies approaching 40 and older know EXACTLY what I am talking about! I walked into Whole Foods the other day sans Cedar because he was hanging with his daddy. It was the best grocery trip EVER. I got flirted with by the produce man, the meat dude, the deli gal, the body care woman and the boys at the check out. Most of them said something about my hair and all of them made me blush but the ones that made me blush the most were the ladies. They flirt WAY sexier than the boys. I heart women. I just remember sitting in my car in the parking lot after loading up the groceries and smiling to myself. I sat there breathing that feeling in. I felt really sexy and realized that I haven't tapped into that essence in too long. I've been in mommy mode with stained clothes, messy buns, baggy clothes and food on my face. It felt good to slip on a somewhat snug dress and go about the town. When I came home to tell Boho Boy about my flirty day, I noticed he was more affectionate and attentive the remainder of the day.  Then something one of my dear friends said to me came flooding into my mind; "Our partners vibe off of how we feel about ourselves." Man, its so true. So many times I project onto my husband that he doesn't find me as sexy as he used to but truly, it is me that has been neglecting my sexiness. We both project onto one another as lovers/partners all the time. Just something I've been chewing on and offer up for you to chew on.

Note to self:  Wear red dress more often.

Onto the Question for YOU beauties...

Those of you that have read throughout my journey here on my blog are aware that I am definitely into a communal vibe.  I like to include my readers in on some of my posts by asking questions to learn from YOUR wisdom and journeys, as well.  Many have written me and thanked me for helping them to feel part of a community of sorts and for providing a space for them to spill that feels safe.  This has meant so much to me and it is what inspired me to create my e-course in the first place.

My husband and I were talking about my e-course on a drive this past weekend.  He had thought it would be a cool idea to have my blog readers somehow be a part of the course (whether they take the course or not).  So, we brainstormed some ideas.  One idea he had that I LOVED was to put out a call to you lovelies to do a video for me, answering a few questions.

So...I am putting out a call to whomever is interested in spreading some of their juicy wisdom to my e-course students.

The Details:

• If you're into this idea,  create a video of yourself answering the two questions (or you can choose one):  What do you do to nurture yourself when you are feeling depleted? and What makes you feel like a wanton sexy goddess? It can be you telling a story about something that happened to you or just sharing ideas, tips, tricks that have helped you or just spilling your heart about these topics.
• Video should be no longer than 10 minutes (that way you can upload it to Youtube if you'd like since 10 min is their limit)
• Email the video file to me at nectargirlcourse (at) gmail (dot) com
• Also include in the email a self portrait, a short bio about yourself, as well as your website/blog links.
• During the e-course,  I will post a video from one of my blog readers on the Nectar Girl e-course private blog once or twice a week (depending on how many videos I have  available in my library).

So, not only would it be another space for you to tell your story and inspire other women but it would also give you an opportunity to promote your blog or creative business in a safe and nurturing venue.

Just as much as you always support me, it is important to me to support you on your journeys.

Okay, onto the WINNER of last week's GIVEaway:

#60...{drum roll}... Brie of Fall Creek Fibers!!! You won a spot in Marianne's awesome 30 Days of Yoga e-course! Brie, Send me an email at denise (at) bohophoto.com and I will direct you to Marianne in order to get you signed up for the course.  Congrats my dear.  I took a deep breath and let out an "Ommmmm"...and imagined a white light on the person to be chosen for this course.  Then your number was generated.  Blessings!

e-course GIVEaway!

Whether you've never practiced yoga before and want to get started, or have attended classes regularly for years, 30 Days of Yoga is an online program designed to support you to begin a regular practice of yoga in the comfort of your own home. Marianne has crafted it lovingly to meet the needs of people who are not getting what they need from large yoga classes or mass-produced DVDs.

Meet my dear friend, Marianne...{I shared a bit more about her on my blog here}.

{marianne...photo by Stefanie Renee}

Her approach is grounded in a radical form of self-kindness because she believes that we all respond better to kindness than criticism and because kindness works. It’s a powerful and transformative force.

Marianne says:

"The approach works because I’m teaching what I know best. I’m the expert on struggling to get into a steady home practice of yoga because I’ve struggled myself. I’ve tried bribing myself into it, nagging myself into it, forcing myself into it. None of them worked. What works – for me and for hundreds of others – is the simple, transformative, compassionate approach that I set out in this course."

If you are a beginner then you’ll be pleased to know that the January course of 30 days of yoga is going to include a brand-new beginners version. You don't need to have any experience of yoga at all, nor do you need fancy yoga pants. That's the beauty of yoga at home, you can do it in your underwear if you like!

The 30 days will begin on 4 January 2011 (the first new moon of the new year).  Read more here.

GIVEaway Rules:

• Winner receives one spot in this awesome e-course (would be a wonderful gift too!)
• To enter, please leave a comment giving yourself some "self kindness" in some way (a word affirmation, something you love about your mind, spirit, body or soul or a gentle reminder for yourself)
• Comment can be one word or many
• Winner will be chosen at random
• Comments will be closed Sunday, December 12th at 9pm PST
• Blessings to all.

{I will be publishing other blog posts before Sunday but will continue to direct readers to this post so they will know to enter}

awesome news*

elizabeth maccrellish, canon 50d

I am SO excited that The Journal: Volume One has won the 2010 AWARD of EXCELLENCE in the category of ART BOOKS! You can read more about it here.  When I think of this collaboration, so many warm emotions fill up inside my heart.  Elizabeth had a vision years ago of a place for people to gather and create and connect and release and rest and let go and discover more of themselves in a safe, healing and inspiring environment.  It has been thrilling to witness how her vision has interwoven with so much more than what she began with.  She is a rockstar revolution starter and someone very dear to my heart.

On another note, here is another mini list of thoughts on my heart today:

• My favorite snack these days are seaweed snacks from Trader Joes.
• I am amazed that Cedar loves them too.
• I agree with Gemma and her beautiful comment in my previous post.  The connection Cedar had with that duck was definitely soul to soul.  We've gone to the pond a few more times and he was more intrigued and thrilled about being in nature than connecting with the ducks.   I think I felt it with the duck too.  I miss him deeply when we go the pond and send out hope that he is happy with his new family.
• I am so grateful that my husband let me sleep when Cedar got up at 4:30am...even though he had to leave for work a few hours later.  I love that he understands that being with Cedar all day requires just as much energy as he needs for his day job and that sleep is precious to me in order to be present with our son.
• He's getting a massage after work because he deserves it.
• I'm making vegan tacos tonight.
• I decided to not label my way of eating (vegan, vegetarian, or not, etc.).
• Labels make me want to break the rules.  I resist being put in a box.  Always have.
• I am being gentle with myself and my journey with food.
• I am learning what foods make me feel crappy and which ones make me feel awesome.
• Sometimes I still eat the foods that make me feel crappy because they taste so good.
• Does that make me a pleasure junkie?  ; )
• I love that most of my girlfriends are pleasure junkies.
• Perhaps that is why they are my girlfriends.

tea with me.

me on my veranda in the morning, canon 50d

If you were to come over for tea, what would you have on your mind and heart to share? Connecting to your sweet souls and imaginations always is such good company when feeling a wee lonely.

you share first...

hello lovelies out there in cyberyumland.

ohhh...i am feeling a wee under the weather this week and i have SO many delicious questions to answer that you have asked.  although, what my mama intuition is telling me to do is rest when the babe is resting so that i can nourish myself back to feeling fully me again.

one of the questions quite of few of you asked, has me marinating and dreaming on how to spill and put it all into words:  what is my parenting style. now THAT is a juicy nectar of a question.

i LOVE hearing other souls define how they parent and guide and teach little ones.  so, over the next few days as i rest, can you share with me what your styles, dreams are for the wee ones in your life?  i am not only speaking to parents, but caregivers of all types (grannies, aunties, friends of wee ones) and those that imagine having children someday and what they dream of being like as a parent.  the beautiful, as well as the messy parts.

i know this can feel overwhelming to answer.  i feel a bit of that too.  so, even if you share one sentence, a poem, a vision, a teeny piece of the huge puzzle.  i know so many would feel blessed by whatever you can share.  i know i am always feeling blessed by your stories because i never claim to have the answers.  i try my best to live each day open to the lessons of teaching and being taught.  trying not to put anything into a box or a specific idea and allowing my experiences to guide and help me evolve.  perhaps that is my answer.  i will think more on it.

you share first...

a village.

cedar & me yesterday, after he played in a water park.  he is looking up at a huge yellow hot air balloon in the sky and feels afraid.

today i come here with no ego after a week of restless nights and a barely sleeping, teething toddler with growing pains. a boy who is quickly discovering he is separate from me, from us and is exploring this without the ability to share it in words. his awe, his frustration, his wanting to absorb it all and yet come back to those quiet moments where a book will suffice. he wants so badly to not need me yet he needs me deeply.

one minute he is softly stroking my face and handing me his stuffed puppy to snuggle up close with him and the next minute he is throwing his book at me because he cannot express what he wants to. i was told this would happen. i've read about the phases and stages in both tender and clinical ways. but when it comes down to those moments of shock, its a bit of a mind mess, non? some more than others. some meaning after a whole week of not sleeping well, i feel stripped of the warrior goddess and instead am lying naked, vulnerable and weary.

there are moments of deep inner strength. there are moments of unraveling and tears. there are moments of clarity and there are moments of uncertainty.  each day of his life is intense and beautiful and exhausting and confusing and heart shifting.

i shared this with a dear friend today. we exchanged ideas about how truly, we are not meant to raise our children alone. how our culture in America can at times send out a message that isolation is perfectly okay. that we can do it all and do it alone. i am grateful to have people in my life that think beyond those boundaries. that resonate with how other countries embrace the idea that it takes a village. it takes a tribe.

with all of this swirling around me, i read this sent to me by a soul friend that gets it:

he's so beautiful.
and he's yours...
this soul that came to your heart.
that grows in front of you.
every day... something new.
big laughter and smiles.
and tantrums and blow out poops.
curly sweet sweaty hair after a nap
cuddling into mamas boobs.
sitting with his frog legs, pulling books into his lap.
he's amazing...
and he's your baby.

it feels like you've always had him.
like- i don't remember you without him.

mmmmm...my heart swells and i find my strength in those words.

hey...my ego is stripped and i stand here shouting to the rooftops that i am totally cool with a village surrounding me right now. bring it on.

The Journal :: Volume One

I am soooo full to bursting with joy about this! Truly honored to be part of this magical collective.

More juicy details and how to purchase this delicious book here.

you*

cedar eating celery at our friend's house in santa barbara

Today was spent settling back in after being gone for a long weekend in Santa Barbara. It was really dreamy being there. So many wonderful memories. Not only the place where I met my darling husband but also the place where I came to heal, driving down from Berkeley, without much of a plan. I was 30 years old and ready to spread my wings and start a new chapter in my life. Our time there was spent reveling in many heart soaked, late night talks and also drinking a mouth watering smoothie called Betterfinger at Blenders in the Grass. Its like a liquid Butterfinger but healthy...sort of. Fresh squeezed carrot juice, peanut butter and frozen soy blend. Who would have thought?

I am going to do a vlog for you hopefully tomorrow. I want to connect with you in that way. It feels more intimate and raw.

I would also love to hear from you. Even if it is just a simple hello. Say hi and where you are from or tell me something yummy about your day. I love to bridge that gap between writer and readers from all over the globe. I am equally inspired by the way you all seem to come here and spread your gentle wisdom and comfort and love. Do say hello in the comment section. Let me see you! Even you shy beans!

p.s. don't you just LOVE the door in this photo? it is at our friend's house in SB. its also rounded at the top. so so so dreamy.

a way you can help.

myriam & the moon, photo by andrea scher

I do not know Myriam deeply but a few of my friends walk by her side. Myriam and I have exchanged a few poetic emails and when Cedar was born, she sent him a most precious shirt which ended up suiting his spirit so. Therefor, I feel connected enough to feel perfectly comfortable traveling with her in her pocket as she ventures off to do something radically amazing in Haiti. But since I am unable to do that, one way I can be with her in spirit is to support her during this journey.

A few friends of mine, received this letter from Myriam following the earthquake:

"Hello Loves,

I have been trying to write this email to you most of this day. I don't know what to write about this devastation happening to our sisters and brothers on that tiny island. I do have family in Haiti, aunts, uncles etc. As of yet, we are not able to make contact...."
Shortly after that they received another letter....
"As of today:

My uncle Victor and Tante Mado both separately support two schools in Haiti, both have been demolished, many dead.. My uncle is housing as many children from the school as he can, all are disconnected from their own families. The shortage of water and food is chaotic and the trauma experienced is only just beginning to be understood.

My Tante Mado has 52 school girls without homes, living at the remains of their school. Another aunt, continues to wait for communication with her sister whom she was on the phone with when the quake started. It's very confusing what the best help is right now as it seems nothing is enough. Communication is so difficult, we are getting reports of deaths without any real confirmations. It is possibly the worst freakin game of grapevine every played. My heart just aches and aches, while my head spins with thoughts of how to empower myself and use all of my resources.

In speaking with family, funding is the most vital. Some are thinking beyond the disaster recovery to rebuilding homes, schools and churches......"

With our help, Myriam will be going to Haiti in March to bring joy and hope back to her community. You can read more about her deep connection to Haiti, her plans and how to donate here.

This is one way we can help and keep up with her progress and lift up and pray for her enormous generous heart.
Myriam...you move mountains.

disconnected.

where i sit, taken with phone

I am sitting here at a coffee shop down the street from our home. This is the first time I have been on the Internet in three full days. At home our Internet/Cable/Phone is all interconnected. If one is down, all is down and that is how it has been at our home the last three days. I have been completely disconnected and it has felt very odd. It has actually brought some feelings to surface about my priorities and how much energy I devote to a virtual world.

I came home from Cedar's doc appointment a few minutes ago and as I walked through the door with him on my hip, Boho Boy greets us with these precious words: "Honey, why don't you go to a coffee shop for a few hours?". I am not sure why that thought hadn't occurred to me. That I could connect here with a steaming cup of joe. In fact, a few weeks ago, we even talked about me doing this at least three nights a week to work on my e-course. Time has just slipped by and life just feels selfless these days. So, I am sitting here selfishly and loving every minute of it. Thank you, Boho Boy, for reminding me what I need.

So, what you see in this poorly processed photo above taken with my phone, is exactly where I sit. You might see some splashes of baby food near the keys. Nice. I decided not to Photoshop those out. This is my life.

In fact, I went to Cedar's doctor today and afterwards realized I had his avocado bits in some of my dreads. Nice again. I took him to the doc because he's been tugging on both ears...and at times slapping them. It has seemed a bit aggressive compared to his usual soft rubbing he does on his lobes. Something he has done to sooth himself to sleep since birth. I had a feeling he was tugging hard because of teething, but I wanted to be sure we weren't missing an ear infection. I know some babies have them without getting a fever, although that is rare. Anyways, while Cedar charmed his gorgeous blond beauty of a doc, we discovered he just had a bit of fluid in his ears. All from teething and completely normal. So, he will be sleeping a bit elevated for a few days.

Ahhhh...Rosie Thomas is singing throughout the cafe. Oh how her melodies bring back such sweet memories of when I first started blogging.

I have no idea when our Internet will start working. Something about a gigantic outage in our area. Part of me likes it this way. The first day I found myself sitting on the couch when Cedar was napping and wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself since the house was clean and laundry was done. It made me realize that entering into the virtual world is a bit of an addiction. I know many of you are rolling your eyes and telling me "of course it is!" as you too inhale a big puff of these words on my blog. ; ) We are all hopelessly addicted. Or perhaps there are some out there that could completely do without but not most of the lovelies in my world. This is how we all stay connected: Blogs, Emails, Comments, Skype, etc.

I tried to imagine trying on another life for a while. What if we moved to the country, not too far from a cafe with wireless. What if rather than blogging and emailing that I spent those spare hours of my day gardening (both veggies and flowers) and sewing cute organic clothes and taking a belly dance class and writing my book and actually opening myself up to meet up with friends that live near me? What if I spent those spare hours talking on the phone with my far away family and friends. A phone date per day? Just so many things I could be putting my energy towards. It would definitely be a life of looking within for inspiration rather than looking at so many others and gathering inspiration from them.

That is when that still small gentle voice whispers..."but there are so many blessings." And there are. I have met some of my most kindred spirits in this virtual world. Even though I don't know what the inside of their house looks like, through their words, I quickly learned the inside of their hearts. There is something about blog relationships that feel quicker and more intensely deep because what we do in these spaces is spill without boundaries that we tend to carry around in the real world. It also offers me a space to discover and exercise my voice. A space to share my story so that others can gather nuggets of wisdom and to not feel alone. And as I shared earlier, it is dripping with inspiration.

So as this blog post comes to an end, I realize I do not have the answers yet. In fact, as I am disconnected at home from the Internet and media, I feel even more confused about any resolution on what serves me most: Being disconnected or connected.

I wonder if many of you feel the same...

Praying for Haiti.

My heart this morning is heavy for the people of Haiti. I am lifting all of them up in prayer. I have lit candles and shared with Cedar the importance of helping those in need. They were already burdened from three hurricanes and now this.

I wanted to share some links with each of you...and also provide a space for you to share your thoughts, emotions, prayers and healing over what has happened.

Press release from President Obama.

Earthquake Haiti Facebook, where people are posting photos of missing loved ones.
Oxfam: make a donation to the emergency response in Haiti.
CNN iReport on Haiti...looking for loved ones.
CNN/Impact (updated & donation info)
Daily Kos: Helping the Victims of the Haiti Earthquake
World Vision: make a donation for Haiti earthquake relief.
The Huffington Post: How You Can Help.
USA Today: Kindness blog ~ how you can help.
Donate thru Unicef

You can donate to the Red Cross relief fund in Haiti by texting "HAITI" to "90999."

For updates:
CNN/Haiti tweets
Anderson Cooper's tweets from Haiti.

lit in our home today for Haiti.

in memory of...

{mason jars on the beach, canon 50d}

9/11.

The morning of 9/11 I was unaware of what just happened. I was driving to work from Berkeley to Walnut Creek in my convertible Geo Tracker with the wind blowing through me. I did this every morning. I put on my business attire, swept my hair up in a baseball cap and off I drove into the misty mornings. It was my time to sing and take deep breaths before I walked through the doors of the corporate world. A place I never felt I belonged.

I pulled into the garage and noticed I had 10 missed calls on my phone. They were from mostly coworkers and some friends. I called a coworker back and she said in tears "where are you?". I just pulled into work, I told her and then she proceeded to tell me I shouldn't go back home and asked me if I had watched the news. No, I never watch the news or listen to it in the mornings. Too depressing. I save it for when the day is done. She then proceeded to tell me what was happening in New York and that the bridges in San Francisco are at risk of a terrorist attack. One is connected to Berkeley. I felt like I was going to throw up.

I hung up the phone and ran into my office. I was the executive assistant for the president of a large technical consulting firm. Our corporate office was in Newark, NJ. My boss liked living in California better. So, she commuted...all the time. You could see the towers from the Newark building. We had clients in the towers. We had client meetings on that day. A few of our consultants were to hold the meeting. I knew one of them and his wife very personally. We were friends. I also noticed in my panic that my boss wasn't there. That didn't make sense. She always arrived at 7am...a half hour before I did. She was supposed to fly in last night from Newark to San Francisco.

The news was in the background. When I heard the flight number, everything inside of me stopped. I swear I could hear my breath in a room full of loud people. United Airlines Flight 93 went down. Wait, why does that sound familiar?

I ran to look at my bosses flights. Yes, yes...there it was "Flight 93" on the records of her trips. This is the flight she always takes in the mornings from Newark to San Francisco. Perhaps she is not here because she decided to go this morning rather than her unusually scheduled red eye flight. I tried to stay calm and I called our travel agent. He was panicked too. He told me he doesn't always do it for her if it is passed hours. She sometimes books directly with the airline. I tried calling United Airlines. It was busy. Of course it was.

Everyone came into my office asking where she is and I had to pretend I had it all under control. I stayed calm but beneath the surface, I was trembling. Her cell phone was going straight to voicemail. No one was answering her home phone. You can imagine my thoughts.

For another hour I fielded many calls for her. Everyone that knew she took that flight often, was inquiring. I was also being asked to send out a list of the names of all of our clients and consultants that were in either one of the towers. So, that one by one, if we somehow got a hold of them and found out they were okay, we could cross them off the list and take a deep breath.

I'll never forget when I heard her voice. I was on the phone and I saw her passing my office and saying over and over..."I'm okay, I'm okay", holding her hand up and reassuring everyone in her path. I lost all ability to be professional and ran into her office and hugged her. She is not they type of person that is very huggy. She is very stoic and unemotional. But not that day. We hugged and tears fell. I told her I thought she was gone and she said "I know...I still flew in last night." She then proceeded to tell me that she's been on her phone all morning and that it died on her way in. She also told me she considered leaving this morning but felt in her gut she needed to get home to her family. Now she knew why.

Not everyone on that list was crossed off. Most of them were. And everyone that was crossed off had an odd story as to why they were alive. Either it was traffic or a personal phone call making them go outside or a drunken night that left them with a hangover or they were on one of the floors that got out. So many stories like this.

I think everyone I know has a story connected to this day and it is why we all feel it so, so much.

I'll never forget when Stephen called me. He was the consultant that was supposed to be in the towers at that time. He was the one that was my friend. An older gentleman with beautiful gray hair and the sweetest smile. Him and his wife traveled around the world as much as possible and he always came into my office sharing his adventure stories. When I first heard his voice say hello, my own voice cracked as I told him I thought I lost him. He started crying and told me that he feels guilty for being here. That he was in his hotel room and is usually on time to meetings but that his alarm didn't go off. He was late, just about to run out of the room with his coffee in hand when it happened. The hotel was close to the towers. He heard the airplane.

So you can see why on this day, so many memories surface for me. So many people I knew at that time in my life were directly connected or related to the victims.

I don't mean for this to be depressing. I don't talk about this day much. I think this time, I needed to write it down. It feels cathartic. And since I consider this my "journal", I know it doesn't have to be perfect. It can be messy. I am doing this for me. For healing and also in remembrance and in honor of the victims and their families.

They will forever live in our hearts. And I will forever remember how good my boss smelled that day when she nuzzled my face into her shoulder. How I wish everyone else got that chance to hold the one or more person(s) that they lost that day. Just one more time. Someday, somehow...they will.

I was turning 30 on September 15th. I was supposed to be in my dear friends wedding that day. In Chicago. But I couldn't fly there as the airport was closed. I wasn't expecting anything on that day. There was no reason to celebrate. I missed my friend's wedding I've been waiting for all year.

My girlfriends surprised me. They met me at my cottage and told me to get something pretty on. They drove me into the city (san francisco). It still felt like a risk, crossing that bridge. I think we all held our breath. They were determined to make me smile, at least once. This was supposed to be a huge milestone, turning 30, but to me, it wasn't consuming my thoughts.

When we arrived at the block full of restaurants and bars we noticed no one was out. It was quiet. You could almost hear a pin drop. But most places remained open, even if empty. So, we spent the evening at this pub...all sitting up at the bar, talking with the bartenders and wait staff. Everyone had a story about how they were connected to someone in those towers. There were tears shed and hugs and stroking on backs and hands being held. They were all strangers to us but by the end of the night, they felt like friends. I never saw them again but I will never forget their faces.

This is how our nation came together during that time. Even today, when our nation feels so disconnected, it is this day that breaks down the political party walls and a tenderness seems to wash over. Even if just for a day.

what a gift she is...

grace's hand, canon 50d

I just can't stop thinking about Stephanie.

I discovered her blog from my friend Tara shortly after Stephanie and her husband Christian were in a near fatal plane accident last August. Both of them were burned badly but Stephanie endured the most...over 80% of her body.

I have since followed her story...read back through her archives to get to know her a bit more. I don't have time to read all of the blogs I love right now. But hers is the one I carve out time for. My 10 minutes per day of soaking up someone I deeply admire because she deserves my attention. She is a survivor in every sense of the word and always puts my heart into a healthier, gentler perspective.

I have been enamored with her journey; the way she parents, the way she loves her husband and he loves her, how romance is within every morsel of their relationship to one another and their loved ones, how charming of a life they lived and still live. Enamored with her extended family. Amazed at how her sisters swept up the children post accident and helped parent them while Stephanie and Christian healed in the burn center for 9 months. In awe of how people all over the globe came together to donate and support their need for the best care. So much more. So much more. I just feel my words couldn't express the wide-ness of this family's love and how they all circled together during this time. Her sister Jane's blog is pretty damn amazing as well. She's a great writer, that one. For months she was the communicator of all things Stephanie and Christian during those crucial months at the burn center and now, she's back to sharing her own stuff...with a twist of wit.

You must read Nie's story for yourselves. Her archives are on her right sidebar.

And yesterday she posted a photo of herself for the first time since the accident. She's just shiningly beautiful, isn't she? I am crushing on her and her spirit and am constantly inspired by her bravery, her patience, endurance, selflessness and her unwavering faith (okay and her cute, cute style!).