thea coughlin ~ intuitive lens*

Thea is one of my very first blog sisters from years ago. We walked side by side on our fertility journeys, as well as our creative ones and it fills my heart to bursting that her dreams are coming to fruition. Bigger and juicier than imagined. She's a rock star. One of the things I've always admired about her is her attention to detail, especially with her camera and how it works. She is the Camera-Wiz I have always gone to when it comes to the techie bits of my Canon and finally, she's teaching a course. A very un-intimidating, free, warm and inspiring online photography workshop!

And you can see here in this video why I love her so.  How the first time I met her in person at the Seattle airport after a year of emails and phone calls, this beautiful blond with two pony tails running towards me for a big hug.  I was a goner.  Hers forever.  We are each others biggest fans.

So many of us (including me) can get intimidated by our BC's (big cameras) but Thea has a way of explaining and helping to guide in a way that it will encourage your own intuitive lens.

Intuitive Lens by Thea Coughlin

{my sister is in town for a few weeks, so while she's here i'll by having a few giveaways, so i can be present with what is in front of me during her stay.  so look for some fun here in the next few days!}

winner * horny toad dress!

Congrats to Cristen...winner of Horny Toad's Rosalinda dress! We will contact you via email about color, size and mailing addie. Your comment touched me so. I was jazzed that the Random.org gods heard you. ; )

REMEMBER: EVERYONE IS A WINNER! All of my readers can get $15 off of the Rosalinda dress through September 21st until midnight. Use the code: BOHOROSE!!

And ongoing, all of my readers get 20% off of any Horny Toad order.  Use code: BOHOGIRL. Enjoy lovelies!

cedar live!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EVOk6f-pTEhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nv7hs7rUYm0 Wanted to share a few recent videos of Cedar, just for fun!

First video was filmed by my husband, in a parking lot of a store in Victoria, BC.  I was inside the shop, so they were alone.  It was the first time Cedar started humming and clicking at once.  Now he makes up all sorts of songs doing this! Its hilarious.

Second video is him strumming in a place on the side of our house we call "Shady Grove". Another video recorded by my husband when I wasn't around.

This video is of him having a quiet, meditative moment with his guitar.  I was a bit awed.  It just didn't seem like a 3 year old to me. Music is his medicine.

{The winner of the Horny Toad GIVEaway will be announced tomorrow!}

Sponsor GIVEaway ~ hornytoad*

rosalinda dress

I have been collaborating with Hornytoad for quite some time and I am in sweet love with them.  Each person I am in contact with is so very kind and passionate and sincerely FRIENDly.  Those that work there are a family and it is so clear when you browse through their site the healthy environment they cultivate for their employees, as well as customers.  What has been fun is as I've gotten to know a few of their employees, they exude a genuine love and passion for the outdoors and life in general and inspiration to step outside and move my body oozes through our exchanges.  I mean it.  These are good good peeps.

Every piece of clothing I own from them is so very well made.  Truly stellar quality.  The type of clothing that would last you years and be your fave piece that you will wear to the bone and maybe even patch up the holes.  What I love most is that they flatter my curves.  Most companies that design clothing made to function in the outdoors, make them with the intention that you are uber thin-fit with not a lot of curve.  Hornytoad's A-line dresses and skirts really suit my shape and their empire waist shirts and tees are perfect for my bod as well as any shape, really.  Their clothing are my perfect basics.  The ones I slip on to dress up or down or layer.  I often get stopped when wearing their dresses around here and asked about where I got my dress.  I truly cannot say enough about them and that is why they have stayed on as a sponsor and continue to collaborate with me.

Today, we are giving away the beautiful and perfectly designed Rosalinda Dress.  I have two of these and am going to get a few more in different colors.  This dress works all year long for me.  I wear it over pants or tights or with knee high boots.  The fabric is cushiony-SOFT and the colors rich.  The empire waist design makes me feel mmm mmm sexy.  Last year we gave away this dress in a short sleeve Summer version and the winner wrote me an email about how divine it is and that it is a staple in her wardrobe.

What I love even more is that Hornytoad wanted to offer something to those that didn't win.  Aren't they yummy?  So on the day I announce the winner (this Thursday), all those that did not win will get $15 off the Rosalinda Dress plus free shipping (on that day only).  When the time comes, I will post a promo code, for that discount along with the winner.  AND all my readers get 20% off of everything in the shop right now (use code BOHOGIRL). So truly...EVERYBODY WINS!  ; )

Here are a few other Hornytoad pieces that I wear all. the. time... Malena Tee Malena Tank Malena Dress Double Helix Dress Boleo Skirt Lithe Skirt

And I am really eyeing their new Muse dress. It has a pocket! These days I love dresses and skirts with pockets. I am becoming my marmie.

GIVEaway Rules:

  • To enter to win a Rosalinda Dress, please leave a comment
  • Only one comment per person, please
  • Comments will close Wednesday at 11pm
  • Winner will be chosen at Random.org
  • Winner will be announced Thursday, September 20th
  • Those that did not win, will receive a code for $15 off the same dress plus free shipping

(edited to add:  At this time, Horny Toad is unable to ship internationally.  We deeply apologize for the inconvenience.}

COMMENTS CLOSED.

victoria, bc*

{on the ferry to victoria.  he got his blue moon wish for a ferry boat ride!  here he was chatting with passersby, whether they wanted him to or not!  he told many imaginary stories, which is how he communicates with people.  one patient grandma stood and listened to him for 10 minutes.}

{seeking an adventure.  ended up going on a ferry taxi tour. that is the Empress Hotel in the background.  breathtaking.}

{that bus in the background was our tour bus!  i've always wanted to do the afternoon tea at the Empress.  someday...}

{coolest public toilet ever.  good thing no one was in there while cedar was saying "helloooooo?"}

{on the bus, we had the whole downstairs to ourselves because cedar didn't want to be on the top. he felt safer down below. i learned so much about the history of the city on this tour!}

{solstic cafe...our favorite place to get yerba mate lattes.  they gave cedar a straw dipped in honey.  what a sweet treat.  their dark hot chocolate with honey was a favorite of his too.}

{a park at beacon hill.  here cedar had a bit of a break through playing with others with the help of a boy with a kindred spirit.  at first he said "there are too many kids here!"  but then this sweet quirky little boy that didn't want to talk to cedar just sat or stood near him.  and he let cedar chatter on and he listened and somehow, that gave cedar courage to feel safer in this environment.}

{listening intently to the captain on the ferry taxi tour.  we saw the most adorable house boats!  we are tempted to retire on a house boat someday.}

{fan tan alley. one of my favorite places to browse. so teeny tiny and full of hippy earthy shops.}

{cedar picked this fan out in china town over a toy.}

{my boys outside the museum, pretending to be totem poles}

{at an exhibit at the Royal BC Museum}

{us on the double decker bus tour}

{resting on daddy after a long day of adventures}

Victoria is a place we have visited each year since our honeymoon. Sometimes twice a year and now that we are a bit closer, perhaps it will be more. We are so drawn to this gorgeous city!

The last few times we brought Cedar, I noticed there was an underlying sense of being a bit bummed that we couldn't do all we used to do BC (Before Cedar): Sit at an Irish pub, drink Ciders and listen to stories from tourists or locals, filling our bellies with yummy spicy Ceasars and watching hockey, walking around the city at night after romantic dates at a new restaurant, long drives for hours exploring the island. Don't get me wrong, we so enjoyed our time there with him but I also found ourselves stuck in the muck of old expectations and spending energy trying to release them.  We weren't really wanting to admit it to one another but it was just an energy that was there.

This time around, I wanted to be more present and aware of our reality. The reality that vacations with toddlers aren't always relaxing and full of sleeping in and doing things on a whim. Especially when Cedar is more comfy knowing what's happening next and also repeating things that bring him a sense of joy...over and over!!  Going into this trip with the intention that it will be all about toddler-ness, completely shifted the energy for us. We still did many of the same things we did the last few times we were there with Cedar but this time, that sense of longing to do or be somewhere else on the island wasn't there. We were right there with Cedar, seeing it through his eyes, following his rhythms and it felt gooooood to our souls.

I left remembering how important it is to be present in the moment and to let go of expectations and go with the flow of now whether on vacation or at home or anywhere, really. Its a simple concept but it takes practice.  Daily.

so much gratitude*

{my boys in tickle love}

I just finished packing our bags for a long weekend in Victoria, BC. Our honey*moon spot. The place we go each Summer because we are drawn to its beauty and energy. And the healthy food and yerba mate latte's are divine! ; )

Before I head out for respite and play, I wanted to come here to express my gratitude for the comments in my previous post. Gratitude for the rainbow of love, support, wisdom, websites, books, videos and most of all your own stories so bravely, vulnerably and gorgeously told. Talk about WHOLEistic goodness!! My husband and I have been truly awed. We've had to read just a few at a time, marinate in them and savor the nuggets that feel right for our hearts. I am so often brought to tears at the community of beautiful hearts that are attracted to this space and how it feels safe for not only me but for all those who feel inspired to share their own unique voice. Its such a deep and soulful practice: Hearing, listening to our own intuition while honoring wisdom from those that care deeply for us. We feel so very blessed.

Love and light to each of you this weekend. Get some good ol' tickling in!

surrendering*

Processed with Cameramatic app.
Processed with Cameramatic app.

Most of my life, especially in my adult life, I have resisted the idea of labels. I felt they placed people in a box and the concept of boxing anyone in didn't quite resonate or feel good in my bones. Intuitively I knew we were all unique and our experiences were unique and being open to others ideas, experiences meant deeper growth and a life of possibility. I feared the limited-ness and the feeling of being controlled and my free spirit ached for the freedom beyond boundaries.

Yet, even at almost 41 years old, as I continue to seek (and drift) and expand without a desire to associate myself with any one way of being, labels continue to come into my path.  They continue to be my teacher. My vessel of messages my soul needs.  Full of nuggets of wisdom. There is always a process of surrender while trying to sort out my own freedom within these labels and our societies preconceived ideas of them: Celiac, Christian, Infertile, Endometriosis, Dread Head, Empath, Wanderer, Adoptive Parent, Free Spirit, etc. There becomes this dance between intuiting my way through life and surrendering to needing guidance and help, knowing I cannot always do it alone.  I suppose labels happen for a reason. They provide direction when we feel lost.  They provide teaching when we are needing to be a student.  They provide council when we are confused.  They provide an opportunity to go within and find our own true voices in the midst of a choir.

This is what my husband and I are moving through with Cedar. A label. A diagnosis. Our resistance to this label. Our relief upon the awareness of this label. Our confusion. Our clarity. Our "aha...this makes sense". Our fears. Our projections. A sudden awareness of our expectations of Cedar.  Releasing those expectations. Our surrendering to needing help and guidance. Our tears. Or more like...sobs. Our awakening of being chosen to parent him. Our confidence. Our lack of confidence. Our free spirits so deeply wanting to intuit everything he needs. Our surrendering to the fact that we cannot intuit his needs every moment, especially when we are learning his brain and every cell in his body receives information different than ours.

Asperger's Syndrome. High functioning Autism. Low Spectrum. Sensory Processing Disorder.

Crystal Child.

Our Cedar.

Processed with Cameramatic app.
Processed with Cameramatic app.

Suddenly, I felt faced with how to share this with others. What gave me courage is that we are one in billions of parents that are faced with labels for their children and not a lot of people know how to navigate through it all. It can feel isolating and lonely and full of so many fears.  Sometimes our fear of labels can paralyze us from giving our child what they truly need.

We are in the beginning of it all. That first awareness and overwhelm. Trying to live moment by moment and center ourselves and not allow the many opinions that may come our way to divert us from our own intuition and trust as Cedar's parents . Even the opinions to not label him. Which me, more than anyone, understands so deeply.

But I keep going back to that first moment when I heard the label and how my heart felt relief and a weight lifted and tears poured because I have always known down deep that there was something, something I couldn't grasp or understand about my precious son. I knew that most times his behavior or sensitivities came from a place that went beyond my empathy or intuition as a mama to a toddler figuring out his way in this world.  There has been completely messy moments for him and me.  Moments where I felt he was judged or I was judged and I have had to be his only advocate in a room.  The idea that I could now help myself and others understand him better, so that Cedar will have room to BE and feel safe being, offered me so much peace.

I know my son cannot be boxed in. I also know that just as I did not allow myself to be controlled or defined by any one label, I, we will raise Cedar to not be defined or controlled by any label. We will also raise him to not attach any shame to any of this as there is no shame in it. Just as I felt there was no shame in my fertility journey and sharing it out loud here on my blog has helped hundreds, if not thousands of women and men not feel alone.

As much as we go down the list of Asperger qualities and nod our head, not all of them apply to him. So we are on a journey. And this journey is all about helping him feel as safe and secure as he can when he is overwhelmed. Being married to a librarian, you better believe we have stacks of books on the subject. But we also put them aside at times, take deep breaths and not allow it to consume us or steer us away from our own intuition and free spirits. Those moments where we just hold space for him and release the need to know all the answers or strategies in that moment and to just surrender to the not knowing and what comes so easily for us, which is loving him with our whole hearts unconditionally.

p2735
p2735

I have more to share about our process over the last few months and our choice to approach this holistically with a grain free diet, particular vitamins and minerals and tools for sensory overwhelm. We are meeting with an OT this month, have had appointments with a naturopath and phone appointments with a gentle and wise woman sent to me by a dear friend. This woman has become my life line.

In this moment, we are surrendering to the not knowing. Surrendering to the uncertainty of whether or not to embrace this label fully. Surrendering to the relief we feel when we can make sense of why he does what he does. Surrendering to the frustration we feel when we can't make sense of any of this.

Just surrendering.  Isn't that just what all parents have to do?

blue moon*

This evening we painted mason jars blue in honor of tonight's full Blue Moon. We placed special found or gifted rocks, stones and a piece of chocolate inside so that tonight they will marinate in the beautiful moon energy, magic and vibrations. Tomorrow we will hold them close, let the chocolate melt on our tongues and remember the intentions we whispered for ourselves into our jars.

My intention was to continue to listen to my soul's yearnings. To keep trusting my intuition. Cedar's was to go on a ferry boat ride soon. ; )

If you feel inspired to share, I'd love to hear your intentions, dreams, goals, rituals for this evening...

big love*

Just wanted to share a moment of our day today. One that was very precious to me in the aftermath of a melty and tender morning for him. I have a post coming that I am working on, navigating through and gathering the courage to put out into the world about our sweet boy and us and our journey to awareness as his parents. Some big stuff happening in our world and it has felt all consuming for a few months but I feel like I am surfacing and able to breathe deep and gain clarity.

I thought I loved big all of my life but I never thought I could love a being as much as I do this being that came into our lives 3.5 years ago. But with big love comes big heartache and then big healing.

More soon. For now, lets just focus on how cute it is that his boots are on the wrong foot and he couldn't care less. And how he dug my kitty cat knit dread hat out of our hat basket to keep the sun out of his eyes rather than his baseball cap. And that he wanted to wear his friend La La Lemur in his apron pocket just like a kangaroo.

glimpse*

Sometimes I look across the room and get a glimpse of what may come in the future and I linger and watch this other worldly space he allows himself to surrender to. He doesn't know I am witnessing or that would bring him to the present.

Like this moment, when he grabbed his guitar shortly after a sensory overwhelm melt down. He sat quietly, closing his eyes, picking at the guitar, rocking his body, then moved to face the window, knowing what he needed to connect to for solace.

What I want most for him is to be deeply in tune with what he needs in this life. So, these moments he tunes in, without any guidance from me, brings a deep sigh from within. Mmmmmm.

beautiful Buddhist ceremony*

{Katie & Lisa chanting}

When we were still living in the blue cottage, there was a time in between tenants where this yellow home was empty. The landlord let my sister and I (who was visiting at the time), walk through. I remember us sighing at every turn. It was so adorably charming. But along with the feeling of familiarity for me, there was a heaviness in my bones. I had chills as I walked up the stairs and I couldn't quite place why. My sister felt it too and after we sat in the blue cottage and gushed about our walk through, we both admitted to one another that we felt a spirit in that house. I thought it was just me feeling this.

Almost a year later, during the first week we were in this yellow house, I continued to feel that same spirit or energy. I wasn't afraid of it or threatened in any way. I felt very at peace in this home and like we were supposed to be here. I just felt an uneasy energy. I felt a sadness. A longing. And I felt it most when walking up the stairs where the two bedrooms are (ours and Cedar's). Our cat Elvis began to sit at the top of the stairs and cry in the middle of the night. It was then that I began to really try to connect with what was happening.

I have always been sensitive to energies or spirits and until I accepted this about myself in my later twenties, I became less afraid and more open to what was trying to be communicated to me. I felt like this spirit needed something from us. My husband felt the same energy.

I had heard from a friend (a previous tenant) that two women used to live here in the early 1900's but that is all I knew. So I shared with a neighbor, that has lived in this neighborhood for years, what we were feeling in the house. Our neighbor went onto share that in this home lived a widow and her daughter. The daughter was more a servant to her mother and was sequestered in the home to attend to her mother's needs. Her mother didn't allow her to have relationships or interactions outside of the home. So the daughter grew to be somewhat of a recluse. When her mother passed away from old age, the daughter lived here alone until she died, too...at an old age. My neighbor was able to meet the daughter before she passed away, tried to help take care of her and was told first hand, the story. Hearing this, it all began to make sense to me. This daughter's story of longing to be free and released from this house when she was living and perhaps this is how her spirit or soul lingered.

Almost a few weeks into our move, when we were still slowly moving things from the blue cottage to this house, our dear friends Katie (owner of Lotus Wei) and Lisa (owner of Wei of Chocolate) were visiting both for business and pleasure. While they were here in our home, we caught up, went on a forest walk and then later snuggled up near the fire.

It was on the couch that I shared about the history of the house. Soon after, Katie offered for them to come back the next morning and do a beautiful Buddhist chant and ceremony to help release this spirit where it needs to be. It is an ancient ceremony that they had both learned in India - Lisa, when she lived in the Himalayas for many years, and Katie, who went to India with the purpose of learning this ceremony.

My husband and I both felt so at peace about this. The timing of our dear friends being here and them both feeling a strong desire to offer what they had learned felt truly divine. The process they explained to us felt gentle and loving, connecting and peaceful. Just what we as a family are cultivating in our life and what I imagined the spirit of this woman, needed.

So the following morning, Katie and Lisa arrived. At first Lisa walked around our home collecting flowers from our yard as an offering to the spirit.

I felt really deeply that the ceremony needed to take place in our upstairs bedroom. I had incense burning for them and I gave them some quiet time to set up. They told us that we could be there in the room and hold the space with them or we could not, it was up to how we felt. Of course we shared we wanted to witness and I had a feeling Cedar needed to witness it too. So my boys and I laid on the bed as they began the long beautiful chant.

Immediately, a peace washed over me and both my husband and I closed our eyes. I could feel the vibrations in my chest. Cedar moved around here and there to grab toys and bring them on the bed. In moments he stared in awe and other moments, he rolled his car or helicopter over our bodies to the sounds of Katie and Lisa's vibrations. At times he giggled at the sounds coming from their mouths. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my entire life. I felt such a trust and surrender and a hope for us but even more so for this spirit.

Then there was this moment at the end of the chant where along with a particular quick yelp sound, I saw a white light before my eyes completely vanish and a heaviness from my body lifted. In that moment, I felt an energy leave and the lingering feeling was freedom, happiness, joy, release. When the ceremony was finished, we sat and talked a bit about what we all experienced. Lisa and Katie shared with us how our home is now protected and that good energy will come in and that the home is very happy about Cedar being here. That Cedar's laughter is healing. But truly, I felt this already even before they shared this with me. We all did. There was just a collective knowing. Instantly, the house felt like it took a deep breath and my chills vanished and I felt a deep solace and peace between all of these walls.

The remainder of the day there was a sense of lightness between all of us. They offered to help us finish the remainder of our move into the yellow house and we were so humbled by their gracious hearts. Their presence is so calm and comfy and of some of the purest love I have ever been near. We acknowledged the ease we felt with one another and how the energy exchanged felt so heart lifting. I am in awe of the souls we are beginning to attract into our life. It truly makes such a difference when you are clear about what you need.

And today the home continues to feel this peace. Every time I walk up the stairs I think about the daughter and how her spirit is finally free. I think about how safe and protected I feel and how I knew there was a deeper purpose to us being here besides rooting ourselves and creating a life in nature we so deeply craved.

I think how I could have just let this linger and made it all about what I felt rather than what this spirit needed from us. I think about how I could have allowed fear to overcome me and pray this spirit away with this idea it was threatening to us in some way. These are all very old ways of thinking and feeling for me. But I breathed through it and I listened and I sensed something deeper and when I opened myself up, surrendered to what may be needed from me, Katie and Lisa came into our home and together, we offered our gifts.

Ever since spending time with Katie and Lisa in San Diego before our move, both of their products (Lotus Wei flower essence elixirs, serums and mists and Wei of Chocolate yummies) are a big part of our every day.  In fact, Cedar savors what he calls his "night night chocolate" an hour or so before bedtime.  We have the chocolates in a vintage jar and Cedar delights in dipping his hand in and picking out his favorite.  Throughout the day we drink elixirs and spray the mists that our bodies need.

Here are a few images of when we first moved to Washington.  Katie & Lisa sent our family a care package to help us settle into our new h*OM*e.  Mmmmm.

{last two images taken May, 2011}

i did it!

From this...{taken two days ago} To this...{taken a few minutes ago}

Yesterday, I had my hair chopped.

A few nights ago, I flipped through a Free People magazine with my friend and pointed at a few long hair styles I was thinking of. This would be the first time I am getting my hair cut since combing out my dreadlocks. I wasn't quite sure what I needed or wanted and was torn between long and layered and short and light. She helped me figure out a few things...that I wanted to be able to wear braids and ponies and messy buns. So I had the picture ready and what I wanted to say to this new stylist all down.

And then I sat in her chair and found myself sharing with her my dread journey.

And after a long pause of staring at my hair in the mirror and taking a deep breath and listening to what my soul needed, I heard the words come out..."just chop it."

The whisper that came to me was that I needed to release some energy left over from my dreads. Not a bad energy. Just energy that needs to take flight, as I spread my own wings and allow this transformation to softness, lightness and ease into my world.

It just seems the journey of my hair most always parallels what I am moving through in my life. Just as getting dreadlocks AND combing my dreadlocks out was a practice in letting go of attachments, so is cutting it short.

Lately I felt myself more annoyed with my hair than it being an expression of who I am. My scalp is still sensitive from the pulling of a few years of heavy dreads. So the many times my long hair got caught under my pillow or arm while I was sleeping or my son or husband's body and pulled, oh my, my once tough scalp was hurting badly at the tug. I am paying attention to those tugs. Not only physically, but emotionally and what feels peaceful in my life and what just plain doesn't.

And that is what I felt in my gut when I sat down in the stylist's chair. I need peace in my locks. Lightness and peace.

A friend of mine asked if there was lots of swishing of my hair yesterday and yah, you could say I swished my hair around quite a lot and this morning I woke up like an annoyingly happy mama baking bread and singing while doing so. I would have never thought that would be me. : ) Baking? Singing? In the morning? I suppose that means I made the right choice.

family photo*

{us, polaroid by susannah}

I'm kind of loving (okay, totally loving) this photo of us. It just feels so gooood to have a photo together! Is it typical that photographers rarely have a family photo taken of themselves?

Here we are. Our family. And Cedar love...just looks like he's so part of us. And it brings me goosebumps. You know, many many times since Cedar was born, when people find out he is adopted, we get an emotional response. It could be the person near us on the airplane that talked with us for a few hours and spent time with Cedar or one of his teachers, or someone that spent 30 minutes chatting at a store or a neighbor, etc; there is always an emotional reaction when they learn our story. Gasps, tears and an embrace. And many times people have said "...but he is SO you guys!" Every time I well up with tears and laugh and cry with them because its such a heart-spirit-energy thing that is collectively felt. Its what I felt when I first held him seconds after his birth with my husband and his birth parents circling me. A feeling of home and belonging and I know most people that have adopted know exactly what I am sharing and so do all of those that have birthed their children when they have felt they knew them beforehand. And what I am sharing has nothing to do with whether or not Cedar "looks" like us. Its so much about his heart and how me moves and grooves and interweaves so perfectly into our family.

We've been going through an awakening with Cedar that is intense and sacred and all consuming right now and when I am able to find the words, I will share it here soon. But when I opened up this photo in an email today that my friend Sus sent to me, I felt the tears spill. I see the three of us and I know deeply how we are all three teachers and guides for one another and I feel such an affirmation to trust the process.

Someone wrote to me the other day that our story offered them hope when they felt so desperately that there was no hope left. I am humbled and honored to hear these things and I never take it for granted and I most always am taken aback by the outpouring. I always said if your desire to be a mother or a father is there, it is there for a reason and your child will find you and hear your longing. There is so much purpose to the union of your child. Cedar is one of my life guides and I think one of the things that kept me going during our fertility journey was trusting that my desire was there because there was much to learn from it...during the journey AND the destination.

one of our fave recipes*

{a slice of heaven, taken last week}

I wanted to share with all of you one of our favorite dishes to eat around here. Since Cedar has become an increasingly picky eater when it comes to vegetables, I am always trying to find ways to sneak them in. One of those ways is in this roasted veggie Crustless Quiche I found online. Although we call it a frittata. ; )

When we are trying to not eat that much dairy, we use Daiya cheddar cheese in place of real cheese. It still tastes so wonderful.

The veggie combo I have found to be the favorite around here are roasted onions, broccoli, cauliflower and sweet potatoes. If we are eating meat or needing more protein, I sometimes put in bits of real bacon or sausage.

For an extra special treat, sometimes I will layer the bottom with already cooked hash brown potatoes that we whip up. Mmmmm...

My boys devour this. Its mouth watering yum.

If any of you have some other fun ideas on sneaking in veggies besides smoothies and making baked potatoes out of steamed cauliflower, it would be a delight to hear for us and probably many that come to this space.

Enjoy!

Sponsor GIVEaway*

{texture shop downtown bellingham, taken today}

What a beautiful start to my day today. I was able to get a babysitter and spend a few hours curled up on a couch with my friend Teresa (owner of Texture Clothing) for some much needed girl time. Being with her, I feel so alive. She reminds me of the gypsy in me. The stories of her alternative lifestyle make me ache in the best of ways. She has created a beautiful and free life for herself, surrendering to her passions while at the same time building a sustainable business that allows her to do so.

{teresa in her yummy shop downtown bellingham}

I've been sharing a lot lately how I am listening to my soul in all situations I find myself in. Today when I was with her, I felt an ache to be as free as she was to pick up and travel and explore but at the same time, I felt so grounded with where I am. As we shared our kindred yearnings and spirits, with awareness that we are living two totally different lives, I was still in a space of honoring where I am and loving where I am and I felt that from her too about her own life. It was a beautiful dance of respect for each others choices. My soul felt inspired and as though a breath of life pulsed through me when walking out her door and heading back home to my boys. I am paying attention to these things: The comfort and ease, the inspiration and joy I feel when with someone.

{teresa & me today}

So, we have some goodies for you...

First, Teresa would like to give a Comfy Mini :: Gathered Skirt to one of my readers! I have one of these delicious skirts and they are so comfy and fun and playful and PERFECT for layering.

Second, for one month, all of my readers are offered 20% off of any item in her downtown and online shops. Just use the code BOHO20 when purchasing!!

 

{Comfy Mini :: Gathered Skirt. See other colors available here.}

GIVEaway Rules:

  • To enter to win a Comfy Mini Gathered Skirt, please leave a comment on this post
  • One comment per person, please
  • Comments will be closed Friday, August 3rd at 10PM PST
  • Winner will be chosen at Random.org and will be announced Saturday
  • Winner will be contacted by Denise about choice of color and size to be mailed off!

more of our h*OM*e.

Many of you have been reaching out asking if I could share more images of our home. Here are some of our living room, kitchen and master bedroom. I still need to fill my walls with photos of family and friends, pieces of art and drape fabric from the ceiling of our bedroom with twinkle lights. When my sister was here, we gathered much of what you see from local antique stores and some items we painted and distressed ourselves outside on the grass over a big piece of canvas. It reminded me of when I was single living in Dallas, TX in my mid twenties and she flew out to visit and helped me design the sweetest little apartment that all my neighbors would ask to come into just to breathe deep. Her and I together created the essence of a beach cottage in the middle of a city. This time around it's eclectic and rooted, soulful and rich and playful.

When we are done with Cedar's room, I will be sure to show you. We are going with a vintage airplane, adventure seeker, rustic groove but we are waiting for some bunk bed parts in order to finish it. Oh how I love creating an environment that expresses who we are as a family. More to come.

I am posting a REALLY yummy giveaway in a few days. Be sure to peek in for some clothing love love love.

Edited to add because I am getting emails asking about some items:

  • Metal wall flowers in living room are from Sundance
  • Tapestries on couch are from Indian Bed Spreads
  • Gather sign in kitchen is from Sundance
  • Red postal garder bins on kitchen wall are from Sundance (no longer available)
  • Metal photo wheel and large green apothecary jar are from Save on Crafts
  • Our duvet cover & shams in the master bedroom are from Anthropologie
  • Hanging jar lanterns in bedroom are from Anthropologie (no longer available)
  • Macrome plant hanger in bedroom is from Urban Outfitters
  • Hanging ceramic three tier fruit basket in kitchen window is handmade by Jeanette Zeis on Etsy
  • Painting on blue vintage cabinet is by my friend Em Falconbridge

soul*searching.

{our wild and magical back yard}

Perhaps some of you may have noticed or intuited that I am having a rough time communicating fully this quiet journey I have been on since moving to the PNW. I have found when sharing here that I feel conscious and careful to not offend those in my past or present circles or those precious hearts that come to my space. Mainly because I am fully aware and honor all of the beautiful movements that are transpiring in the online world. I see healing and awakening in the midst of circles gathering and ecourses expanding and widening. I know personally some extraordinary revolutionaries that are empowering women all around the world. And yet while all of this bigness is happening around me, I find myself pulling in and away from the online world. Not in a way to make myself small. It felt so much deeper than that, yet so hard to express because I have been so IN IT and unable to articulate what is happening to me.

Throughout my life I have always tried to be careful to not point the finger at what other people are doing and saying and to really look within at my own reactions or triggers or emotions that surface in any particular social situation (online or in the flesh). I constantly strive to check myself to make sure my need to pull back from a particular person or group of people isn't from jealousy or insecurity and if some of those emotions do rise, to work through them, knowing its all about me and not them. So as much as others have wondered or even me myself have wondered if my need to pull in and let go of so much in my life right now has to do with any of those dynamics, my heart has continued to whisper..."its something deeper, keep looking...keep praying, keep meditating...this is grander and wider and lighter and inner...and more freeing".

So, I have deeply trusted and honored that feeling of not needing to name it yet because when I have tried, I never quite felt satisfied with what came out of my mouth or my fingertips. Until today. Today my friend sent to me a video where this woman, a beautiful kindred spirit that I do not know personally, spoke of what was happening inside of me in words that felt so familiar. I found myself with tears down my face and and my heart opening, expanding and my head nodding "yes. oh yes. this is it." And I saw it in this woman's eyes and how she carries herself, what I too am experiencing.  And I heard it in her story, so very familiar to me, different but familiar.

It has been hard for me to explain to people why when I was approached by a well known publisher, that I did not get right on finishing my book when a handful of friends around me were in the midst of desiring a book deal. It was difficult to express to others why I launched my ecourse that hundreds of people have asked me to do and then shortly after decided I needed to postpone it at a time when so many in my circle were launching theirs. It was hard for even me to fully grasp why when I became part of a beautiful online circle full of extraordinary revolutionary women, that my intuition told me I needed to pull back and be solitary for a while. I deleted my facebook. I deleted my instagram. My twitter is very quiet. My life began to be more inner, more private and less seen. My motivation became less about seeking validation from others and more about seeking wisdom within. It became less about the need to guide others and more about just listening and BEing. Yet still...what was happening to me? Why were so many of my relationships shifting, ending, beginning, renewing? Why was I resisting being a part of a circle or tribe when for years this is what carried me through fertility and grief and adoption and motherhood?

What I did know was that this transformation was on a very deep soul and spiritual level. Me, once associating myself as a Christian and then finally surrendering to my resistance to dogma or organized religion and man-made religious denominations and masculine guided spirituality. I knew I was being drawn to something deeply feminine. I knew I began to hear a very feminine voice of God. I knew this was something I needed to work through on my own without others opinions or ideas or fears filtering in. I was beginning to attract Buddhists and Witches, Goddesses and Native American guides. Yet never fully able to associate my heart with any one way of believing and yet being pulled to my Christian roots despite not belonging or wanting to belong. I've just been gathering nuggets of wisdom that felt good to my soul and resisting boxing myself in. And while my search to connect online began to feel noisy and chaotic, I think it was just my soul's way of wanting to slow down and not seek anywhere but inward.

So much of what Sera Beak shares here in this video (below) is where I am. Particularly this part...

"After my interview with Marion Woodman, the very foundations of myself, my spirituality and successful life were shaken to pieces. I knew that I could not continue helping other women or this planet until I faced and found my soul again. So that is what I've been doing the past three years. And some of you might well know that its extremely painful and incredibly humbling when we finally turn and face our soul. Because we immediately become face to face with the subtle and not so subtle ways we have consciously and unconsciously abandoned her. Like that time we kept quiet when we knew we should speak. Like that time we said yes, when we knew we should have said no. Like that time we took on that project despite the devastating toll it took on our body. Like that time we stayed in that relationship despite how unhealthy it was. Like that time we followed the crowd, instead of our inner guidance.

Entry into the life of the soul demands a steep price. What's that price? Falsity. Everything that is not authentic. You see our souls don't pay attention to the opinions, ideas, beliefs, trends, rules given to us by external authorities, such as the media, politicians, fashion magazines, doctors, spiritual gurus. They don't seek approval, validation or acceptance from external sources. They know that true power does not come from anything outside of us. True power comes from surrendering to the divine authority within us. Embodying your soul is about living from the inside out. And requires that we ask ourselves on a daily, even an hourly, even a minute to minute basis…'Does this person, place project, group, teacher, class, book, TV show…does this feel authentic to my soul?' And then we have to bravely act on that answer. Based on answering these very questions in the last three years, I have broken contract with my big fancy publisher, fired my filmmaker, broke up with my boyfriend and pulled away from about 95% of my personal and professional life. I have let go of almost everything that didn't feel authentic to my soul. I let go of everything that used to define me, so I could allow my soul to start to define me."

Hearing her words, feel so affirming. Like I can almost name the un-namable of where I am right now in my life.  And I appreciate her saying that its very messy.  And it has been.  I am in the messy.  The vulnerable. The lonely part of it all.  But down in these quiet depths is where the answers are and where the light comes in and the clarity comes.

I think what I am learning is the true meaning of soul searching.  Or is it soul listening?