{the end of our date drinking tea, reading side by side}
Date night with my love. Mmmmm. We are finally creating space to do this, mainly because we found someone who we trust to hang out with Cedar. Someone who sees him, gets him, goes to those imaginary spaces with him that he loves, he needs to go to. Someone consistent in his life, as he needs consistency. We are so grateful for this new precious soul in our lives and her presence has helped us find ourselves as individuals and as a couple again.
So, now we have a date night and its wild that even the smallest things I appreciate: our arms or hands touching, side by side in our theater seats, sitting across from him and having a conversation without interruption, just BEING with him without interruption! ; ) I am brought back to those moments when we first started dating, that anticipation and wonder. It doesn't matter how long you've been married to someone, when you're rarely alone and then suddenly you are alone, it feels fresh. Fresh because we are always evolving, even when we don't realize it while we give so much of ourselves to our family. We talked about life before we were in each others lives and we talked about the book he has yet to finish writing.
Its simple, just a few hours alone...but truly, its so healing and connecting for us. Since we've always lived away from family, leaving Cedar hasn't been a comfortable thing for us...especially because of who he is and his needs. I surrendered and trusted that we would find someone and the wait was worth it. We have found a kindred spirit in her.
...and I miss my husband. I didn't realize it until Saturday night out on our date. My favorite part of the evening after our movie, after the dinner and inside the coffee shop, we were sunk deep into our leather chairs, reading side by side. Quiet but together, finally sinking into feeling no stress. I looked over at him and my heart fluttered and that felt amazing and I looked at his lips and wanted to kiss them.
Date night. More please.
Right before I took the photo above, Cedar said "Mommy, I never want to cut my hair. Can people keep curls as pets?"
A few days ago his babysitter Emily (and best friend) told me that they were outside playing and he outstretched his arms in a moment of complete abandon and yelled with his scruffy voice "I am Woman!!!" and as she told me this, we both giggled and had a knowing look. We knew Cedar in that moment just got the whole woman power thing and its wild because I've never yelled out that phrase to him. It completely came from within. Then of course shortly after that, he'll play with this tractors or cars and let the wild rumpus start. Or he'll be outside playing with our neighborhood girls sitting in his big yellow car making loud car noises and then stop to compliment them on their dress or skirt. 
As I've shared recently I am really feeling and reveling in the changes of seasons and the holidays approaching. This past weekend we took Cedar to a pumpkin patch. It was his very first time. You can see the joy in his face!! The gray skies were such a gorgeous contrast to the bright oranges and greens. 
I told my husband how healing carving these pumpkins felt. There was something about the rhythm and moving of my hands and the anticipation of sculpting and what may come to be. I found myself in a bit of a trance and I realized how much I need to create. How important it is for my soul. And of course I know this down deep about myself but my consciousness has been elsewhere. I need to work with my hands. It quiets my mind. It hushes the noise.
I know I haven't been here much. But I have been here (see image above).
i adore these to images of cedar. especially the one wear he is "puppywearing"! {carrier purchased from etsy shop 
I have a feeling Cedar will take up an interest in sewing himself. He seems aware of style on other people and often comments on what he loves. Especially with our neighborhood full of girls. He is surrounded and the only boy around.
My sister and I went shopping for yarn. She's going to make me a star garland to hang on my window that we saw in 
One of my most favorite memories was our evening canoe ride. First I watched my boys and my sis go out and then they returned to invite me in. We somehow all squeezed in without sinking. ; ) It felt other worldly to be on the glassy water mezmorized by the reflected clouds.
{cedar & auntie dd}
The winner of the $50 credit to Amy's Boho Chic 
{all photos above are lovelies modeling accessories from 
portrait of amy waltz
Below are a few yummies I own from Amy. She made me a custom design 
Congrats to Cristen...winner of 
{on the ferry to victoria. he got his blue moon wish for a ferry boat ride! here he was chatting with passersby, whether they wanted him to or not! he told many imaginary stories, which is how he communicates with people. one patient grandma stood and listened to him for 10 minutes.}
{seeking an adventure. ended up going on a ferry taxi tour. that is the Empress Hotel in the background. breathtaking.}
{that bus in the background was our tour bus! i've always wanted to do the afternoon tea at the Empress. someday...}
{coolest public toilet ever. good thing no one was in there while cedar was saying "helloooooo?"}
{on the bus, we had the whole downstairs to ourselves because cedar didn't want to be on the top. he felt safer down below. i learned so much about the history of the city on this tour!}
{
{a park at beacon hill. here cedar had a bit of a break through playing with others with the help of a boy with a kindred spirit. at first he said "there are too many kids here!" but then this sweet quirky little boy that didn't want to talk to cedar just sat or stood near him. and he let cedar chatter on and he listened and somehow, that gave cedar courage to feel safer in this environment.}
{listening intently to the captain on the ferry taxi tour. we saw the most adorable house boats! we are tempted to retire on a house boat someday.}
{fan tan alley. one of my favorite places to browse. so teeny tiny and full of hippy earthy shops.}
{cedar picked this fan out in china town over a toy.}
{my boys outside the museum, pretending to be totem poles}
{at an exhibit at the 
{us on the double decker bus tour}
{resting on daddy after a long day of adventures}
{my boys in tickle love}
This evening we painted mason jars blue in honor of tonight's full Blue Moon. We placed special found or gifted rocks, stones and a piece of 
Cedar discovered his grandpa's old Kodak camera. He is beginning to carry it around now and then to document our lives. Here he wanted to photograph his lovely neighbor pal. She was totally willing. And he was SO into it. 
Sometimes I look across the room and get a glimpse of what may come in the future and I linger and watch this other worldly space he allows himself to surrender to. He doesn't know I am witnessing or that would bring him to the present. 
It was on the couch that I shared about the history of the house. Soon after, Katie offered for them to come back the next morning and do a beautiful Buddhist chant and ceremony to help release this spirit where it needs to be. It is an ancient ceremony that they had both learned in India - Lisa, when she lived in the Himalayas for many years, and Katie, who went to India with the purpose of learning this ceremony.
I felt really deeply that the ceremony needed to take place in our upstairs bedroom. I had incense burning for them and I gave them some quiet time to set up. They told us that we could be there in the room and hold the space with them or we could not, it was up to how we felt. Of course we shared we wanted to witness and I had a feeling Cedar needed to witness it too. So my boys and I laid on the bed as they began the long beautiful chant.
Immediately, a peace washed over me and both my husband and I closed our eyes. I could feel the vibrations in my chest. Cedar moved around here and there to grab toys and bring them on the bed. In moments he stared in awe and other moments, he rolled his car or helicopter over our bodies to the sounds of Katie and Lisa's vibrations. At times he giggled at the sounds coming from their mouths. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my entire life. I felt such a trust and surrender and a hope for us but even more so for this spirit.
Then there was this moment at the end of the chant where along with a particular quick yelp sound, I saw a white light before my eyes completely vanish and a heaviness from my body lifted. In that moment, I felt an energy leave and the lingering feeling was freedom, happiness, joy, release. When the ceremony was finished, we sat and talked a bit about what we all experienced. Lisa and Katie shared with us how our home is now protected and that good energy will come in and that the home is very happy about Cedar being here. That Cedar's laughter is healing. But truly, I felt this already even before they shared this with me. We all did. There was just a collective knowing. Instantly, the house felt like it took a deep breath and my chills vanished and I felt a deep solace and peace between all of these walls.
{last two images taken May, 2011}
To this...{taken a few minutes ago}
Yesterday, I had my hair chopped.