a way you can help.

myriam & the moon, photo by andrea scher

I do not know Myriam deeply but a few of my friends walk by her side. Myriam and I have exchanged a few poetic emails and when Cedar was born, she sent him a most precious shirt which ended up suiting his spirit so. Therefor, I feel connected enough to feel perfectly comfortable traveling with her in her pocket as she ventures off to do something radically amazing in Haiti. But since I am unable to do that, one way I can be with her in spirit is to support her during this journey.

A few friends of mine, received this letter from Myriam following the earthquake:

"Hello Loves,

I have been trying to write this email to you most of this day. I don't know what to write about this devastation happening to our sisters and brothers on that tiny island. I do have family in Haiti, aunts, uncles etc. As of yet, we are not able to make contact...."
Shortly after that they received another letter....
"As of today:

My uncle Victor and Tante Mado both separately support two schools in Haiti, both have been demolished, many dead.. My uncle is housing as many children from the school as he can, all are disconnected from their own families. The shortage of water and food is chaotic and the trauma experienced is only just beginning to be understood.

My Tante Mado has 52 school girls without homes, living at the remains of their school. Another aunt, continues to wait for communication with her sister whom she was on the phone with when the quake started. It's very confusing what the best help is right now as it seems nothing is enough. Communication is so difficult, we are getting reports of deaths without any real confirmations. It is possibly the worst freakin game of grapevine every played. My heart just aches and aches, while my head spins with thoughts of how to empower myself and use all of my resources.

In speaking with family, funding is the most vital. Some are thinking beyond the disaster recovery to rebuilding homes, schools and churches......"

With our help, Myriam will be going to Haiti in March to bring joy and hope back to her community. You can read more about her deep connection to Haiti, her plans and how to donate here.

This is one way we can help and keep up with her progress and lift up and pray for her enormous generous heart.
Myriam...you move mountains.

nourishment.

tree blossoms at squam, canon 50d

What nourishes you?

disconnected.

where i sit, taken with phone

I am sitting here at a coffee shop down the street from our home. This is the first time I have been on the Internet in three full days. At home our Internet/Cable/Phone is all interconnected. If one is down, all is down and that is how it has been at our home the last three days. I have been completely disconnected and it has felt very odd. It has actually brought some feelings to surface about my priorities and how much energy I devote to a virtual world.

I came home from Cedar's doc appointment a few minutes ago and as I walked through the door with him on my hip, Boho Boy greets us with these precious words: "Honey, why don't you go to a coffee shop for a few hours?". I am not sure why that thought hadn't occurred to me. That I could connect here with a steaming cup of joe. In fact, a few weeks ago, we even talked about me doing this at least three nights a week to work on my e-course. Time has just slipped by and life just feels selfless these days. So, I am sitting here selfishly and loving every minute of it. Thank you, Boho Boy, for reminding me what I need.

So, what you see in this poorly processed photo above taken with my phone, is exactly where I sit. You might see some splashes of baby food near the keys. Nice. I decided not to Photoshop those out. This is my life.

In fact, I went to Cedar's doctor today and afterwards realized I had his avocado bits in some of my dreads. Nice again. I took him to the doc because he's been tugging on both ears...and at times slapping them. It has seemed a bit aggressive compared to his usual soft rubbing he does on his lobes. Something he has done to sooth himself to sleep since birth. I had a feeling he was tugging hard because of teething, but I wanted to be sure we weren't missing an ear infection. I know some babies have them without getting a fever, although that is rare. Anyways, while Cedar charmed his gorgeous blond beauty of a doc, we discovered he just had a bit of fluid in his ears. All from teething and completely normal. So, he will be sleeping a bit elevated for a few days.

Ahhhh...Rosie Thomas is singing throughout the cafe. Oh how her melodies bring back such sweet memories of when I first started blogging.

I have no idea when our Internet will start working. Something about a gigantic outage in our area. Part of me likes it this way. The first day I found myself sitting on the couch when Cedar was napping and wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself since the house was clean and laundry was done. It made me realize that entering into the virtual world is a bit of an addiction. I know many of you are rolling your eyes and telling me "of course it is!" as you too inhale a big puff of these words on my blog. ; ) We are all hopelessly addicted. Or perhaps there are some out there that could completely do without but not most of the lovelies in my world. This is how we all stay connected: Blogs, Emails, Comments, Skype, etc.

I tried to imagine trying on another life for a while. What if we moved to the country, not too far from a cafe with wireless. What if rather than blogging and emailing that I spent those spare hours of my day gardening (both veggies and flowers) and sewing cute organic clothes and taking a belly dance class and writing my book and actually opening myself up to meet up with friends that live near me? What if I spent those spare hours talking on the phone with my far away family and friends. A phone date per day? Just so many things I could be putting my energy towards. It would definitely be a life of looking within for inspiration rather than looking at so many others and gathering inspiration from them.

That is when that still small gentle voice whispers..."but there are so many blessings." And there are. I have met some of my most kindred spirits in this virtual world. Even though I don't know what the inside of their house looks like, through their words, I quickly learned the inside of their hearts. There is something about blog relationships that feel quicker and more intensely deep because what we do in these spaces is spill without boundaries that we tend to carry around in the real world. It also offers me a space to discover and exercise my voice. A space to share my story so that others can gather nuggets of wisdom and to not feel alone. And as I shared earlier, it is dripping with inspiration.

So as this blog post comes to an end, I realize I do not have the answers yet. In fact, as I am disconnected at home from the Internet and media, I feel even more confused about any resolution on what serves me most: Being disconnected or connected.

I wonder if many of you feel the same...

a kiss for all of you.

me right now, taken with phone.

Here is a kiss for all of you. It is me, snuggling up in the blanket my sis made for Cedar. This is me post long luxurious bath. I never find the time to take baths any more. Well, that's not true...I do take one with Cedar but that's different. That's not luxurious. That is full of splashing and playing with bath toy friends and feeling nervous he will slip under the water, so I am holding him tight the whole time (part of our shower door is stuck, so I can't kneel on the floor to wash him, I have to get right in). Luxurious to me means baby is napping. Husband is upstairs working and I have nowhere else to be. It means face scrubs and masks and closing my eyes and dreaming until my skin gets pruned. It means getting out and putting lotion on every orifice of my body. It means coming out to baby still napping and I get to rock in this chair and stare out the window and do more daydreaming. I rarely get this time. So you better believe I am marinating in it. Also wanted to share it with you.

I know I have been quiet the last few days. Like I said, I love storms and give me some thunder and lightening and I am a giddy little girl. We don't get storms in these parts, so its been a treat for me. Storms give you the perfect excuse to light a fire, drink hot chocolate, read books, snuggle on the couch and cancel all of your plans. More storms, please.

Haiti has been in my heart. I watched the fundraiser show for them last night. Pretty amazed at how fast some of these Hollywood peeps have written songs in a matter of days. Some were extremely moving. I am not completely into Beyonce but hers moved me. Especially with the image of a halo over Haiti. I smiled when they let us listen in on some of the donation lines, when someone would chat with a celebrity. "Oh hey Steven Spielberg, what up?" I loved it even more that the topics remained focused on Haiti...and the Haitian families and children and all that is needed over there. I am hoping the topics didn't veer off..."Oh, i loved you in that film..."...or..."I think you're really hot." You know? But if I did call and McSteamy answered the phone, it might be hard to not to sound like an idiot. ; ) If this happened before Cedar, I would definitely want to go out there. I know true skills are needed but besides photography (which might feel weird), I could be that person that comforts, that holds hands and strokes backs and listens and cries with them and helps wash their infants and braids their hair and puts their children to bed with a story of hope. Would those be considered skills? That is where my heart is and that is where I want to be other than snuggling close with my husband and son.

I also wanted to answer a few questions that were asked of me recently by quite a few of you. I am not sure if you go back to read the answers in my comments, so thought I'd do it here:

Question: "Will Cedar meet his bio sibling(s)?"
Answer: We are hoping so. They are with a beautiful family and we do have a connection to them via our adoption consultant/dear friend Tammy, although we are not in touch yet. I often dream of Cedar having close relationships with them in the future, throughout his life. There are a myriad of emotions surrounding this, with all involved, so it will take time and gentleness and comfort and openness and understanding and respect. I am praying, hoping we will all connect when the time feels right. Now that I have shared this with you, I may delve more into those emotions I am speaking of.

Question: "What do you use on your skin?"
Answer: Origins! All of their products are natural and paraben free and after a few years of trying to find the right fit...these products suit me perfectly. I made an appointment with one of their people at an Origins store nearby and they helped me find the products that were perfect for my skin. I use cleanser, toner, day and night moisturizers, face scrub, eye cream and a mask.

Question: "Where do you get your drawstring pants?"
Answer: Sweetgrass. I heart all of their hemp/bamboo pants (Vagabond & Artesian & Bamboo Cropped are my fave) and their long drawstring skirt. I wait for sales. Also, for a Christmas gift, my marmie bought me the Omgirl Nomad Pant and I looooove them. I also really dig Treehouse28's wide leg pant.

Question: "How do you get that vintage/ethereal look to your photos?"
Answer: I tend to photograph my subjects with light behind them. I always use natural light...morning is my fave. I play and play and play with layers in Photoshop. I do sometimes use the ever so special Jesh de Rox's "Enlighten" actions and also a bit of Lily Blue's actions. Then I play with the opacity in each layer to give it my personal style. I also sometimes bump up my ISO to give it a grainy/blurry look and over expose via the light meter for a washed out look. Other than that...I am not at all techie enough to tell you what else to do. ; )

Speaking of Treehouse28...we are doing a sponsor giveaway in a few days. So...keep looking!

{yes, i am wearing the same shirt in the last few photos. my sister told me that this color blue brightens my face. so what do i do? wear it every day. hee. this is my only shirt this color. everything else is so muted. perhaps i should wear brighter things...}

stormie winter.

cedar & me, taken by boho boy with phone

We rarely get storms in these parts, so I am relishing, cocooning, snuggling up. Cedar is awe-struck with wind and rain. I actually hear him say the word "Wooowwwww...." when I take him outside.

This photo above was taken the last day of our cleanse. Sunshine before the clouds came in for the week.

I love storms. So much so that I had planned on naming my daughter Stormie if I ever had a girl. I have a pretty cool story about a dream I had once. I was in my mid twenties and not at all in the space of wanting to have children but I had a dream about me walking on the beach with this little girl. She was about 3 years old. She had blond ringlets and blue eyes and she was my daughter. I remember her running and then coming back to me and I swooped her up. When I woke up my face was wet. I was crying in the dream while holding her because the love I felt for her was so intense. At that time in my life, I didn't understand the connection, the love between parents and children but in those moments, I fully grasped it. I was so sad for days after that dream. I missed her so. I walked the streets of Berkeley looking for her, subconsciously.

My sister Pam came to visit me for the weekend. We decided to go to Santa Cruz for the day. I debated whether to tell her about the dream. I waited until the long whindy drive home on HWY 17. I think it was the pull and magic of all the Redwood trees. I just spilled.

Since at that time, Pam was a mother of three babies, she grew misty eyed when I told her how much I missed that little girl. What she did next I will never forget. She said "why don't we name her?" and we did and naming her gave me closure. We named her Stormie Winter.

Fast forward ten years and my husband and I are deeply wanting a child. We were just opening up to the idea of adoption and our adoption consultant sent us some photos of some previous children she had helped place for adoption. One photo was of this beautiful girl with blond ringlets and blue eyes. It was the girl in my dream. I gasped. Although I kept it to myself. It felt sacred...but it was that moment where my heart completely opened up to the idea of building our family through adoption. She was sent as a gift both in my dream years ago and now.

A few months later we were placed with the most perfect birth parents for us. I was shown a photo of their other child that was placed for adoption previous to Cedar. It was that same girl in the photo our adoption consultant showed me in the beginning of this process. It was the same girl in my dream years ago. It was Cedar's bio sibling...in my dream.

And this is another reason why I love storms. They remind me of Stormie Winter...the sweet angel that guided me to our son and that I will always have a connection to.

Dear Janssen's...

sara & her bebe lucy, scooping up curry goodness in our kitchen

cedar, sara & bella inside their RV

inside of RV, serious faces discussing traffic we're about to face on highway. ; )

Being with Sara and her family tonight was so serendipitous. So wonderful to rest into their way of wholesome living when coming off of a cleanse. She is rich with wisdom on being mindful of all that goes into her body and extends that wisdom into being gentle with precious Mother Earth.

I am excited to drool over her food blog. So totally inspired by her conscious choices with food and presentation and love infused wholesomeness for her fam.

Being with them brings a whole new perspective on living wildly. So intriguing how they live in their gorgeous RV that runs on veggie oil, tour around the country, connecting with like minded spirits and communing with nature. Their 5 year old daughter Bella gave us a quick tour of their home and oh my...Sara has done wonders with making it funky and full of character. They are all about possibility and thinking outside of the box. It feels so contagious. It just shifts things. Opens you up. You want to ride on the energy of their positive force.

Of course my gypsy spirit is so tempted. Lets do it honey. Lets just sell our house and buy a Boho RV and make it into a home and travel the world. Seriously! I am in and I feel so honored and blessed that if we did choose to take this leap, we have such special people in our lives to help guide us.

Dear Janssen's...you ROCK our worlds. Thank you for being the change our world needs...and thank you for not minding when Cedar kept petting Bebe Lucy like she was a kitty. ; )

A few photos taken by Sara & Matt...

no more lemonade!

cedar in my shades last night, celebrating with us, taken with phone

Yesterday was our last day on the cleanse. We decided to end early because we have friends visiting tomorrow and since they travel all over the country in an RV for months we wanted to provide them a home cooked meal. I just couldn't see myself cooking a veggie curry while sipping lemonade. Call it no will power. Or call it a deep need to connect with my friends when they are here while passionately enjoying a healthy meal together. Not only would it have been awkward for them to eat in front of us but it would have been pure torture! Not into torture, thanks. ; )

So today its all about orange juice to help prepare our bodies for solid food. Mmmmm! I am going to be gentle with the curry. I won't put any sauce on it. So, for me it will be brown rice, tofu, tempeh, veggies, pineapple, raisins, etc. Oh the joy.

Yesterday (Day 8) was so tough for me. I woke up feeling grumped out. I am sure much of it was psychological. I struggled with ending the cleanse a few days earlier than planned. I worried that we were halting the detox process too early. I felt disappointed that I had only lost a few pounds and I only felt this way because Boho Boy had lost twice as much. Boys! I also just felt so very done with lemonade and anything liquid, really. All of this was because it was the last day. Its the same feeling right before vacation when you just can't seem to focus on anything but not being at work. Or the last day of school and you just can't bring yourself to do your studies.

I had to really regroup and get centered. I had to come to a place of forgiveness about ending early and an appreciation of my priorities about gatherings with friends. I had to embrace all the goodness that came out of 8 days of cleansing. The fact that I am craving pure and wholesome food. That processed food and meat make me want to gag. That I feel I have reset my desire to take care of my body, mind and soul. I am also grateful for all of the emotions that surfaced. Stuff I have been burying deep and that sans the brain fog, I could work through them with more clarity. I love that Boho Boy and I have remembered how sacred quiet time together is, sharing more and not needing to numb out on a film. We were extremely connected during this process.

Yesterday, to somewhat make up for not going the full 10 days, I did a colonic. My very first one. Lets just say I didn't enjoy it that much. I am extremely modest with that sort of thing, so I think I wasn't relaxed enough (not to mention the funky head space I was in). The technician was so very patient with my nerves and helped me with massage and a calm voice. I am glad I went through with it and I can say that today I feel lighter and fully cleansed and pure as a result. They discussed with us that they have a 21 day cleansing program that involved eating and supplements. I think next time we do a cleanse, we will try this.

We have bookmarked and cut out a plethora of raw food recipes. The gourmet kind. So, now we need to dust off our food dehydrator and have some fun. I am allowing myself to actually look at recipes today. Oh man...I can't wait.

I apologize for not doing a vlog everyday as I said I would try. What is happening in Haiti just sort of shifted that desire for me. It felt a bit self absorbed or presumptuous that anyone would be interested when I would hope their energies would be with those in Haiti and not with me. I know my readers are gentle beings with huge hearts and I knew your focus would be with Haitians and the inner shifts going on inside of you as a result.

Being on a cleanse while this happened in Haiti absolutely made me more present to what was transpiring there. It brought to surface my missionary heart. This is something I need to look at. Much of my meditation was spent in prayer for them. I wonder if I wasn't on the cleanse, if my intentions would have reached that level of empathy. I would hope so but I am not certain.

Thank you so, so much for your coaching and support through this process. It has meant the world to me and has made a huge difference in how far I went. I feel grateful that I did an 8 full day cleanse feeling circled and wrapped in love.

No more lemonade!

compassion.

Yesterday and today I just can't seem to bring myself to record a vlog about my cleanse. My heart is heavy with what is transpiring in Haiti and me sitting in from of a camera sharing about my body eliminating toxins seems self absorbed. But I know many of you are just starting the cleanse or going to do one soon and were hoping to hear how it is going. So I promise to write a bit at the end of this post. I know full well how important it is to not feel alone on a cleanse journey. I don't know how people do this alone. I myself need partners to get through not eating for long periods of time. Food is a huge part of my life and it will continue to be so and I am looking forward to next week when we can play with some raw food recipes and soups and getting creative with veggies. But just me even writing this feels strange. There are thousands of people in Haiti that just need a glass of clean water and a blanket and I am talking about playing with recipes. It just puts everything into perspective, doesn't it?

Somebody dear wrote this on my facebook page today about Haitians...

"let's see them as healthy and well and safe, let's not give any more energy to the suffering. see them as cared for and fed and having water to drink and knowing the world loves them."

I know what she means. She is hoping us envisioning them in this way will manifest this healing. I am holding onto this vision then too. Because all I can do from here is pray and donate and spread the word and now...I will be envisioning healing beyond the suffering.

I was talking with Cedar about compassion yesterday. This morning I remembered that when Cedar was born, Myriam had sent us this shirt for him to wear (in photo above) for when he was a wee older. Its a design from her awesome company Joy Spread the Word. I grabbed it out of his dresser and felt chills when we put it on him. So perfect for what it is I want to teach him through all of this. I already see compassion in him in his behavior towards adults and even children at the park. I want to raise him with compassion for the world. Its the missionary heart in me that I hope to share with him as he grows older. I'd love to see our family someday trek to another country in need and give of our hearts there. My oldest and dear friend Letha and her family living now in Uganda are such an inspiration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Master Cleanse Days Six & Seven:
I feel like during the days I am coasting a bit. I am not around crowds of people cooking foods in an office kitchen like my husband, so I feel blessed that I can cocoon here in my home. The hardest part for me is the night. Especially last night (day five). I was feeling down about Haiti and I noticed I was hungrier. Its a mental thing because I associate hard emotions with comfort food. I was craving unhealthier foods for the first time in a few days. I laid down with my husband on the ground with Cedar and whined about me wanting my favorite naughty meals. What continued to put it in perspective were those in Haiti dealing with hunger and thirst in a horrible way. I stopped rolling around on the ground complaining and just drank more water, tea and lemonade. Took a lot of deep breaths and remembered why I am doing this; to rid my body of toxins that have been making me feel like crap.

I do feel like I am in detox mode. My tongue has a white film on it. I am eliminating much more than I did in the first few days of this cleanse. I need a nap during the day and I cannot do too much around the house. I go in and out of euphoria and being pensive and emotional. Although I no longer have headaches.

Overall I am doing much better this time around than the first time doing this cleanse. I am not getting sick so far with mucus filled lungs as before. I love how soft my skin is and I notice my face looks a bit younger. I was dealing with some dark under eye circles and bags and fine lines between my brows. I notice it seems more smooth. My mind is definitely more sharp than it has been in months. I even worked on my ecourse for a while the other night and felt inspired and jazzed and nourished by it all.

I am not losing a lot of weight this time around either. I think the first time I did this cleanse by day 7 I had lost 10 pounds. This time I think I've lost about five. It could be that my metabolism is slower now that I am nearing 40 or that my body is focusing on other things. I am trying to not put too much energy into the weight loss.

We are going to have to cut our cleanse short. We have friends visiting on Sunday that tour around the country in their RV with their family. They will be in our town this weekend. We really want to provide them a home cooked meal in a house since they are always on the road and how boring for us to be drinking lemonade while they eat our delicious food! So, we will start drinking the orange juice and broth on Saturday...the 9th day of the cleanse. This way the gathering will be comfy and warm and inviting.

{see my previous post for links on how to help Haiti}

Praying for Haiti.

My heart this morning is heavy for the people of Haiti. I am lifting all of them up in prayer. I have lit candles and shared with Cedar the importance of helping those in need. They were already burdened from three hurricanes and now this.

I wanted to share some links with each of you...and also provide a space for you to share your thoughts, emotions, prayers and healing over what has happened.

Press release from President Obama.

Earthquake Haiti Facebook, where people are posting photos of missing loved ones.
Oxfam: make a donation to the emergency response in Haiti.
CNN iReport on Haiti...looking for loved ones.
CNN/Impact (updated & donation info)
Daily Kos: Helping the Victims of the Haiti Earthquake
World Vision: make a donation for Haiti earthquake relief.
The Huffington Post: How You Can Help.
USA Today: Kindness blog ~ how you can help.
Donate thru Unicef

You can donate to the Red Cross relief fund in Haiti by texting "HAITI" to "90999."

For updates:
CNN/Haiti tweets
Anderson Cooper's tweets from Haiti.

lit in our home today for Haiti.

boho master cleanse ~ day five

You will be able to see in this video that my spirits have lifted so much. A lot of that has to do with all of you that were brave enough to spill about your own journeys regarding the desire to nurture your creative self when there are other commitments you also want/need to be present for. I feel so honored that you feel safe in this space to move through your own emotions. They teach me. They nurture me. They guide me. I am sitting in a soft, grateful space today because of you.

My hubs and I had a good chat about opening up more space for me to create. Meaning, we are going to schedule in evenings that I go out to a coffee shop or hide upstairs in our studio with ear phones and work a few hours per night (or at least every other night). The only reason why this "me" time has faded was because his work load became greater (he works a full time job during the day and a full time job owning his own database design firm at night and he also helps a few other peeps with computer stuffs). We are working as a team to figure out how he can lessen his load so that he can spend more time with us, as well as, nurture his own creative path (which is writing his novel) and how I can have space to finish my projects and connect to that passionate artist within me.

I love you Master Cleanse! If we weren't doing this it might have taken longer for us to carve out time to open up and work through it. We have been consuming our family moments with eating dinner and then perhaps watching a film later in the evening. Now that we're just sipping lemonade all day there is ample time to work on the inner hurts, the inner passions and questions and desires in our hearts that a pizza or big plate of pasta has been replacing. ; )

We don't have all the answers yet but the fact that we feel more mindful and more aware feels very harmonious with the shifts we want to create in our life going forward after this cleanse.

Meeting Cedar's needs is of course our first and most important priority, so we are taking one day at a time with these new intentions and Cedar's happiness will be our guide. We've been waiting for Cedar for so long and we are in a space of not taking this time for granted.

Took this photo of him today. Oh how his sweet gentle spirit makes me swoon:

Thank you for all of your love and I am blown away by how many of you are starting your own cleanse. Do use this space to spill your journeys. Its wonderful to hear your perspectives on not eating food for a week (or more).

Off to sip some more Lemonade and oh yes...limes are a fun switch up. I will do limes twice a day to make it more exciting! And the slushy bowls at night are a huge hit around here.

{Forgot to mention in the vlog that my tongue is definitely coated with the white icky stuff which tells me I am deep in the trenches of detox!}

{{cedar engraved heart necklace i am wearing in the vlog is designed by stacy of bella wish!}}

boho master cleanse ~ day four

cedar & me on the flight home from christmas holiday, taken by jon-erik, processed by me

hello my dear life coaches and gentle supporters!

so, i didn't do another video last night because if i had, i would have been sobbing and it wouldn't have been pretty (perhaps amusing though).

a lot of emotion surfaced for me last night. my detoxing wasn't so much physical but more emotional and i know that is part of the collective experience when cleansing/fasting.

my husband and i got into a discussion about our future. there are things that need to be different; like where we root ourselves in a home, him working one job rather than a few and me beginning to contribute financially more than i am now. if i wasn't in a tender space and was in a more logical space, i would have been a super star but instead, i was on the defense and unable to sit in his space and only able to stand in mine and all i felt was overwhelm. i also felt like i wasn't enough. this wasn't at all coming from him but i was projecting it onto him that he was saying these things. truly, it was coming from that Virgo spirit of mine that tends to be a perfectionist and feels she needs to have all of her ducks in a row in order to start something and if they are not in a row, things never start and i end up feeling shame or failure.

the beautiful thing is that i recognize this as it not being truth and is just those inner gremlins that want to bring me down and not look at all i am doing and being and feeling and experiencing (which is amazing). those inner gremlins put my blinders on and only want me to look at what is not being accomplished and rarely what is.

all of this was part of what i shared a few posts ago. i am really marinating in this time with cedar and learning the ways of being the kind of mother i want to be. being inspired to delve into things i never thought i ever would (sewing is one of them). i am also wondering where the other parts of me fit in. the woman who has a book to write and a story to tell before it fades away into nothingness in my mushy brain. the woman who has a soulful ecourse to finish writing and designing so that it can get up and running and go gently out into the world of hearts that need it. these are all parts of who i am and i am not willing to let the later two go but i am needing to figure out ways to make sure they do not take away from my intentions to be a very present mother. everyone deals with these issues, i know. yesterday they just felt so enormous to me. any other day i may have eaten a pizza or a bowl of ice cream or freshly popped corn but when you're on a cleanse, you are faced with dealing, not avoiding.

so, there were a lot of tears, which ended in hugs and apologies and empathy and lifting one another up, sitting in one another's spaces. nothing has been resolved. we sort of laughed at the end and decided that being on a cleanse and discussing these huge issues is tender territory and decisions don't need to be made right now. but they are weighing heavy on my heart.

receiving your kind comments about the glow you see in my skin and my eyes yesterday helped. ; ) of course that feels very motivating! although i think part of my glow had to do with really good lighting as the previous two videos i did was in crap lighting. but i will still embrace your kindness and receive it as truth! my skin does feel softer and smoother today and i feel lighter in body and looser in my clothes and as though i am into the groove of not eating. i feel more clear on why we are doing this. doing a lot of research on cleanses and fasts and how healing they are to the body.

i don't feel hungry today. i actually feel a but nauseous. it could have to do with the fact that i had a cup of straight senna leaf tea last night, which kept me up the majority of the night with horrible stomach cramps. i typically drink smooth move tea, so i am going to go back to that one, as the straight senna leafs don't quite agree with me at all. smooth move tea has senna leaf but also other tummy soothing herbs.

i wanted to share with those that suggested using Himalayan pink salt in my morning salt water flushes rather than sea salt does indeed help with flavor. it is not as "sea salty" but i did notice it not working as well. so, this morning i took a deep breath and went back to the sea salt...which was awful but it works so much quicker!

my niece today suggested i try limes instead of lemons for a day for something exciting and new! ; ) so i am going to get some today at whole foods.

i feel drained today from last night. really quiet and mindful. softly walking in my steps. allowing myself to feel tender and to pay attention to my dreams and goals in a gentle way.

thank you for hanging in there with me.

boho master cleanse day three

I addressed some of your questions and shared my thoughts on a very hard night and an awesome tip to make it better. ; )

boho master cleanse ~ day two

In my vlog I share about how I felt yesterday, last night and today. I have many of the same physical feelings as I did the first time I did it, which I posted in April 2007 on my old blog (scroll down to bottom of page).

I also wanted to share some photos I took of Cedar a few days ago. He is such a light in our life and is our major motivator for being more healthy and is why we are doing this in the first place.

boho master cleanse ~ day one

Boho Boy and I are on the first day of the master cleanse today. We have been mentally, emotionally and soulfully preparing for this day for a while. This is our third time doing it.

The first time was with an intention to detox our bodies and open up a healthy space to conceive a child. Our second time we wanted to detox but our motivation was more to lose weight and you can understand that with this, we didn't last very long. This time, we are in a clear and more enlightened head space about it all.

We want to get back to a place of being in touch with our bodies. That space of being conscious of what we put in. For a long while now we've been feeling out of touch and craving not so very nurturing foods for our bodies and souls. In fact, all I want these days is pizza and pasta. I don't really crave vegetables or raw foods the way I used to. I feel it in my sluggishness. In my mood swings. In my not so glowy skin and under eye bags. I feel it in my heart.

We have tried other cleanses but it is this one that we felt worked the best for us. In the future we will experiment with different ones again. This is something we are comfortable with having done it before.

I am going to try to document a little bit each day on a vlog. It is you who will be holding me accountable now (gently) and this is the very reason why I am sharing it with you. I need life coaches and support over this!

The first time when we made it through the 10 days, I became really ill with mucus in my chest. It was all part of the detoxing but it really put me in bed. I can't afford that to happen this time around, so I am crossing my fingers and toes that the detoxing process this time around will be more gentle. Cedar needs me!

He also needs a healthy momma. I am so ready to rid myself of the icky toxins down deep. I know with all of this comes other emotional upheaval. I remember that from before. So I can imagine I will be sharing those parts too.

Cheers!
{clinking my glass of water, lemonade, maple syrup, and cayenne...YUM}

Daily Routine/Recipes:

Morning Salt Water Flush: 4 cups of warm distilled water with 2 tsp of Sea Salt

Six to Twelve 10 oz glasses per day of:
2 Tbs fresh squeeze organic lemon juice
2 Tbs organic grade B maple syrup
1/10 tsp cayenne pepper

All the water you want/need
All the herbal tea (decaf) you'd like

1 cup herbal laxative tea before bedtime

Goal: 10 days!

a peek into our home.

our living/family room

All day today I have felt so filled up by the circling of empathy and support in my previous post. So much so that I actually felt really energetic today. To be walking around in a body that wants to dance to music and move furniture and gasp...even decorate (!) felt fabulous.

I am often brought to my knees with awe at how powerful just being understood, fully understood can be. I am in love with the synchronicity of me spilling my heart and at the same time, those that read my words are in the same. exact. space. This has happened quite often in this space and when it does, I always envision this ginormous circling of souls around the globe. Each of us holding hands, lifting one another up and holding one another close. Because that is what it feels like.

Cedar has been going through a phase where he is falling on his head and nose a lot. I think its the space between crawling and standing and all the in between. So, yesterday I decided to move stuff around and surround our space with more cushion, perhaps a rug and some more warmth. I was so pleased I wanted to share it with you today. Because well, if it wasn't for you...I may have not had the inspiration to get moving on this project!

Many of you have asked me to share images of my home and I have been shy to do this. Today it felt right. So, I am sharing with you the space in our loft where we tend to spend most of our time these days. Someday soon I will share with you the upstairs where our studio is and perhaps even a peek into our indigo bedroom.

You will see that it is important to me to fill my home with the warmth of my family and friends.

what sits up top an old library cabinet that boho boy brought home from work. the gorgeous lantern is from anthropologie...a christmas gift from my niece angela! the love words print is from my dear frister thea and the buddha coaster is from gorgeous blue's travels.

this is our diaper changing table. the baskets below are full of burp cloths & bibs, diapers and pajamas for cedar. it also acts as a place to put our laundry basket when i am too lazy to put clothes away. the floral bamboo shade is supposed to be on a window but i like it as art just fine. the big book shelf to the left has many vintage suitcases and bottles from both of our parents on top.

this is my family photo wall. i just started putting these up and i have many more to frame. i am just waiting to find unique frames. any suggestions? cedar's toy baskets are overflowing with sweet gifts from many of you.

cedar's play area (love his chub) and where he loves his post-nap drink.

this is our music and rocking corner. the shrine on the wall is of swirly's art. ; ) the white circled crocheted blanket was made by my sister darlene...just for cedar. the tapestry/bell hanging on the wall is from my friend marianne that she brought back from Afghanistan.

our kitchen. boho boy brought these counter tiles back from Mexico. we want to eventually paint these walls mustard yellow. the green lantern hanging is from Omi that she brought back from Turkey.

i just got this apron at cost plus world market for 50% off. aprons make me want to be in the kitchen more. ; ) i feel more sassy and creative in a foodie way (plus i am a bit of a klutz with food).

the entry way to our loft. boho boy created storage space on the right. it was a hollow wall. so he did his sexy construction thing and made three huge storage rooms and covered them with these lovely wood panels. yum! my next project is to organize them, as we have pretty much just stuffed everything in there.

As much as this feels a bit vulnerable to share the spaces we spend our hours walking around in our pj's (or naked), it feels like I am sharing parts of me that I'd love you to get to know. It has been a while since I have felt inspired to put energy into this part of my life. I have you to thank for that.

{disclaimer: my home isn't always this clean. a few hours of toddlerdom and its a lot more, shall i say layered!}

my pace.

cedar & me by the sea, taken by jon-erik, processed by me

I woke up feeling tender today.
It could be hormones. Or life shifts. Or dream shifts.

I took a peek outside of the cocoon I have been in. I saw friends that I love doing tremendous things. Teaching classes and workshops. Writing Finishing books. Inspiring the world with original ideas. Being their beautiful, yummy selves that always attracted me to them in the first place. I felt a swell of happiness for them. Humbled they are in my life...and that I have been a witness to their tremendous growth in how they teach me and teach others with all that they are.

Then I looked within and noticed I wasn't feeling enough. That lately I haven't been doing enough. I was comparing. Something deep stirred within me. That feeling where a fire has been lit under my tush. Knowing that my ideas need to be shared. Remembering my story has purpose, as do all of ours.

Then I found this photo (above) on a CD that Boho Brother left on my desk. He took this while he was out here and I remembered what I have been doing. And that is enough.

Now as I write this, I feel more gentle with myself. Trusting that I will find that balance between raising a boy and accomplishing my creative goals. Having faith that I will be gentle when at the end of the day, if I am too exhausted to write or create, that it is okay to rest. Giving myself plenty of space to do things the way I do things...and being okay with that. Even though many of my friends are mothers too and yet still do more than me. Its okay if my pace is different.

images of christmas.

I didn't quite take as many photos as I had envisioned. In fact, I imagined I was going to walk around outside the Farm and capture the many trees in the orchard and the house from a distance and my rain boots in the mud. Alas, I was too soaked in family love to think about those things and I remained indoors, snuggling with my kin. I did manage to capture a few moments and the rest are taken by Boho Brother. Neither of us like flash but it had to be done in the evening hours. I didn't capture everyone but most. Perhaps with these images you can get a wee idea of the abundance of love on Christmas Eve & Day.

Christmas Eve:

cedar always thrilled about books

new drum!

cedar is our entertainment at the farm

super pooped out but refuses to take nap

Christmas Morning:

cedar has no idea what to do with the gifts

mommy teaches him


marmie got lots of green shirts. she looks rad in green.

daddy loved his uber soft LL Bean shirts!

boho brother loves his witches ball

daddy shows cedar how to play with his wooden blocks

me and cedar breathe in some fresh air, soaking in my parent's view

The eve of Christmas:

my sister darlene reading to cedar

my niece angela showing cedar how to drum

dar, angela & me

dar & my niece kelly sing with cedar

my niece kelly christmas eve and day

my nephew mark & cedar

marmie, boho boy, my sister pam and nephew mark playing with cedar

my niece angela and her yummy man jon

my nephew sean teaching cedar the wooden drum

It's been a while since a baby has been in our immediate family. ; ) Seanzie was the last bebe until Cedar and look at him now!

I heart my family.

how we celebrated.

cedar bear today at henry's market, taken with phone

This morning I woke up with an intense sore throat and head pounding with aches and a body that just wanted to lay still. Usually a flu creeps up on me but this one was so sudden. My first thought was that Boho Boy had a lot of work to do today and Cedar is feeling tender with teeth that are cutting through his gums and oh my...how am I going to be present for them when I feel this way?

When Boho Boy first laid eyes on me this morning, he knew it was bad...so he dropped all of his other priorities and gave us so much love all day. He bundled us up in the car and took us to Henry's and we picked up immune boosting goodies. Then he asked me what I wanted that wouldn't so much help heal my body but heal my soul and I said "bread sticks!". He smiled huge.

I've always wanted warm, melt in your mouth, garlic salted bread sticks. My honey made me gluten free ones tonight. It was pure heaven. Pure melt in your mouth, crispy on the outside, moist on the inside, buttery, garlic-y heaven.

He also made us some fresh veggie juice, heated up some soup, put blankets on me and all was good and ready for two Star Trek films. Yes, the new Star Trek film made me curious about the old ones and you know this is a major turn on for Boho Boy. He had no idea when he met me that I would someday be this into Sci Fi stuff. It was fun to giggle at the old outfits and hair do's that were supposed to be future-like but were oh so 70's. Awesome. Medicine for my soul.

Cedar cuddled us good today. He too was in the mood to chill.

So this was our day. The first day of the year. Despite my whole body feeling achy, my heart was full of so much love for my boys. It still felt like a celebration.

Oh, and did I mention I loved the bread sticks and when I told Boho Boy it was the best bread I've ever had, he looked so totally proud of himself? It made me want to dip him in garlic-y salt too and eat him up. ; )

I am wishing all of you sweet simple moments of celebration.