doing the work*

{my sis and me, after a few days of much heart work and tears that come from the deepest places}

Some thoughts that have been on my mind the last few days...

My whole life and especially presently, I have been attracted to and attracting people that are very different from me. I love the unique. I learn from it. It widens, expands and opens my heart. For years now I have been a seeker of the different on a quest to find Truth and Love.  I do not need the people in my life to be the same as me, although kindred spirits are a blessing in and of itself. What I am discovering that I do need and strive to cultivate is kindness and respect among family and friends, however it is expressed from person to person. We all express it differently. I yearn to cultivate peace for my home and the environment surrounding my son.  Peace that will offer him room to breathe and LOVE and be who he needs to be while feeling held in complete acceptance. I suppose peace does that for me too and it is important, very important for me to offer that breathing space to anyone around me.  It always has.

One thing I am learning and navigating through, is the balance of being open to love and be loved with healthy boundaries.

Every single person in my family, oh my...we are all wonderfully different than one another.  This past year has been full of some deep wounds opening within all of us.  We are all...each of us, in a space of wanting to let go of habitual patterns and release what binds and holds us spinning in the same unhealthy and toxic cycles.  That is so so hard, isn't it?  To break free of such things.  For so many reasons.

Last week, before my sister arrived, I was sitting knee to knee with a neighbor and dear new friend, listening to her share about her own family dynamics and how her and her parents are now practicing consciousness of patterns that arise each time they visit with one another.  Each of them are doing the work to come to a place of awareness with one another.  They have moments when they catch themselves projecting and they each take responsibility for their own actions/reactions and work through it together.  When she shared this with me, my eyes held hers and I shared how deeply I craved this for my family; An openness that can provide healing and understanding and compassion in a peaceful way.  She reminded me that it is HARD work because the only way we can all get there is if we do our own work, take responsibility for our part in the cycle and have compassion for the rest.  That's huge and hard but so freeing.  It is a space we all ache for but our fears and insecurities hold us back.

So that is where I am.  I plan to step through the fear and do my own work.  My part in the puzzle.  I am going to seek out a therapist and work through it in a way that feels right for me.  A few of my family members are planning to do the same and those few of us plan to go together next month.  Perhaps someday, we can all...every single one of us in the family...gather and do the work together. I am going into this without any expectations but with so much HOPE because the awareness that has surfaced this past year and the peace that comes with it, is enough for me to keep going and trust in this process.

And I am so grateful that I have this amazing person by my side through it all.  A man who truly SEES me and my truth and inspires me to step into LOVE every single moment while still maintaining those boundaries that are necessary for self preservation and peace:

And this little dude who has been an angel in my family this entire time. His arrival and gift of healing hearts around him was divine timing:

I love my family. I feel blessed with the different and the same and even the hard work that comes with it all.

auntie dd came to fae-land*

I know my family would prefer that I live within walking distance or a short drive away in Northern California and so many times, perhaps on a daily basis, I ache to have them near to witness our life unfold and me witness theirs. This is why I have a private family blog where I post many (I mean many) photos every single day for them to see. I carry my iPhone with me everywhere I go and bless Cedar for fully grasping the why of that now. Sometimes he'll even pose for me, knowing that it is for our family.

I have been so grateful of how supportive they have been of this move. They knew how rough it was for us living in that condo loft 3 stories high away from nature and surrounded by concrete once we had Cedar. They were worried about our illness and constant lung infections and by the time we left, all they wanted for us was relief. None of them had been to Bellingham, so of course there was concern but they had learned to accept and honor and sometimes even celebrate my gypsy ways. ; )

A few weeks into us living here, I heard a shift in all of their voices. A shift from worry to excitement. I heard things like "you live in paradise" or "fae land" or "its so enchanting". Each of them anxious to visit, knowing not only will they see us but they will feel like they are on vacation. Now they get it. They get why we fell deeply in love with this place. They get how this town just wraps around us so warmly and perfectly like a glove. How the energy here, the people and their chill, earthy, conscious ways are so kindred and like minded to us. It feels so good to have their support and it feels even better to finally provide them with a space to stay and relax (our other space was too tiny for more than one person to stay over).

It was so dreamy to have my niece Angela and her fiance here almost a month ago (I cannot wait to share photos from their engagement session soon...if they will let me! Please??). She was the first of my side of the family to stay in our home and my heart melted when she reported back to the family how happy we were and how in love with this town she was. A few weeks later, her mom...my dear oldest sister Darlene aka "Auntie DD" came to play.

Cedar and Auntie DD share such a unique connection. I swear they are on the same brainwavelength (is that a word? If not, I like it anyways). Darlene has always been able to enter into a child's way of thinking and explore their world in such a magical way. It is so absolutely fun to watch and of course Cedar is deeply enchanted by and attached to her. Every time she is with him and then leaves, we notice he does what we call "Auntie DD-isms"...a new language or a new way of play or a new world they created together that sticks with him and becomes part of his quirkiness. So, I just think they are both quirky souls. ; )

I am so grateful for this relationship between them. He needs it and deserves it and is so nourished by it.

When my older sisters were having babies and raising them, I was in my pre to late teenage years (they had their babes when they were 19 or 20 years old). I lived an hour from them and needless to say, was a bit consumed and wrapped up in my own busy High School/College/Gypsy world. I was the young aunt that I think was seen more as a sister to my nieces and nephews. I know I wasn't around as much as my sisters may have needed and of course until I was a mother, I didn't quite get how they may have needed me. I know for the most part, they knew my heart and understood the place I was in my life. And my nieces and nephews always felt my love.  I cherished and adored being the aunt they would tell their secrets to (and share clothes with!). But now that I am a mother in my late 30's and not around family, I appreciate so so much everything each of them does to stay connected to Cedar. I will never take this for granted and I know Cedar will not either.

It was wonderful to see Darlene thriving after breathing in the fresh ocean air of Bellingham. Her strength was endless. She has had Lupus for over 20 years and we never know how traveling will be on her bones. Well, I am sooo happy to say that what surrounds our home is medicine to her bones! One of my most favorite memories is when she went on a walk alone with a basket and returned with a bouquet of wild flowers she had picked in our neighborhood to adorn our house with. Another one is our date together. We went out to dinner ALONE and had a pretty pink drink and talked for hours about psychic gifts, God, Jesus and witches. You know...she just gets me. She allows so much room for how my heart beats and how my mind thinks. She gently respects and honors our differences and that is all anyone needs to feel safe in a relationship, right?  Our ten year difference in age has shifted from her mothering me to her honoring me as a mother (she said this is the most independent she has ever seen me) and being my sister and close friend.  And I love when her nose gets pink when she's had a drink.  ; )

A few more photos from our time together...

my first love*

my father in this early twenties

I have many beautiful memories with my father. Some of my most favorite with him are out in nature. He loved to go camping and we did this as a family every single summer in the redwoods of Northern California. He would take his three girls out on hikes for hours. We'd collect rocks and sticks to bring back to camp. We'd go creek walking and he'd hold our hands so we wouldn't slip. Sometimes when life feels overwhelming and I need to lay down and take deep breaths and find my calm, I will go to that place with my father. The hikes him and I would take alone where there would be silence because nothing needed to be said. Bringing to the trails the comfort we had with one another. The crunching beneath our feet, the sounds of the creek beside us, the wisp of the trees above, breathing in the smell of redwoods in unison. Quiet glances. Knowing. Protection. I often go back there and I know he does too. I love him to the depths and when I spoke with him this morning and we were hanging up, I could sense and hear the crack in our voices. We just want to be together today. But I am grateful. I am grateful that we hold these memories together. I searched this morning for this photo of him. I had to go out in our garage and forage through our boxes. I cried when I finally found it. There he is. That was him. His thick black curls laying on his forehead. His high shiny cheekbones. His pearly beautiful smile. His gut laughter. His dark skin that smelled of campfire. Such a beautiful man then and now. I love it when people say I look like my father. I always loved it...even though I was a girl. I was proud to carry his features. And I am proud to carry him in my heart. My first love.

What are you favorite memories with your father?

life in the pacific northwest*

[gallery] i can't believe how full my days are here. with a backyard (haven't had one in 10 years) and the forest and ocean, trails and creeks surrounding us, most of the hours of our days are spent outside. we come in for potty, snack, meals and sleeping. and because it stays light so late here, we are all going to bed VERY late and waking up VERY late. there was a time when we had a schedule and it worked for us but right now, we are just going with the flow. sort of like when you're on vacation and all of the schedules and must-do's aren't gripping you. you feel free and you just move with what feels right. i wonder if it will stay like this for a long time, this feeling. or i wonder if we will somehow fall into a rhythm with our days. for now, i am not questioning. i am just soaking all of this up like a thirsty sponge.

do these images whisper what it is i am feeling?

{yummy clothing giveaway coming soon}

the language of my heart*

I think I've been quiet here because I've been in a space of observing and listening. I suppose I feel a bit awed. Okay, a lot awed by our surroundings. Including what goes on inside of my home and the intimacy I am feeling with my boys. Right now Cedar is sleeping on our couch near me in a ball of sunlight shining through our window. I can see the shadows of dragonfly lights that we have hung on our windows on his face. Cedar has never slept anywhere but his bed or our bed. There is a peace dwelling here that we have not felt in so long.

Yesterday we took a trail that is a few streets down in our neighborhood. It led us to an old farm that sits up on a tall hill overlooking the bay and an island and the mountains. We laid out a blanket. We ate. We did more breathing and listening than talking. Our bodies were close. We held one another. Boho Boy's hand reached for mine if Cedar was between us. I write this with a tear in my eye. So much healing. We've had a rough few years. I can feel it slowly melting, walls peeling and a soft underbelly feeling less afraid to exist without so much protectiveness.

The home we are in is so special. The old man that lived here before us left a legacy it seems. Our neighbors talk of him fondly and it warms my heart that they are embracing us in this home. It seems they were waiting for people to live within these walls that captured the spirit of the man who once lived here. One of our favorite neighbors, a new friend of mine, has won my heart. She is moving soon and told me she now feels safe leaving this sweet village knowing that our family will continue to live and breathe the magic of this neighborhood. For nine years I lived in a place where I felt a bit misunderstood and here, within a few short days, I am wrapped up by souls that I feel speak the language of my heart.

{when finishing this post, i thought i would take a photo of cedar sleeping...}

h*OM*e

the moment we drove into bellingham

I am overwhelmed with emotion. I think I need a few more days to marinate in what surrounds me. To let it sink in...fully permeate my being that I am home. That THIS is our home. My friend Jessamyn and Leigh wrote to me spelling it out hOMe or h*OM*e...with emphasis on the Om and that is exactly what it feels like. They know my heart.

Boho Boy had been here for about three days already while I stayed with my precious family. He would call us about 10 times a day to share sweet little details about the old home we're renting (built in the early 1900's) and the yard surrounding it. He would send us videos and text photos and stories about our eccentric, hippy, arty neighbors that came out to greet him, play him a tune with their guitar on their porch and spill the scoop about the community that our home rests in.

It was wonderful to hear all these details but at the same time it was a big practice for me in letting go of control. I am a Virgo and I do love to nest. It was a good exercise for me to be present with what was in front of me at the farm with my older sister or at the bottom of the Sierra Foothills with my parents. I was so worn from the move and Cedar was in serious need of something that felt familiar and homey. It would have been too much on his sensitive heart if we went from empty home to another empty home full of boxes. It was all perfect and that is what I reveled in. Being with family gave me the strength I needed to step forward as a girl in motion.

This past Saturday was when Cedar and I flew to Seattle.  The long line at the airport in Northern California was unexpected, so him and I were running to our flight, hand in hand.  Once we finally landed and were walking towards baggage claim, Cedar spotted his daddy 30 feet away.  He yelled "daddy!" and dropped his froggie backpack and ran to him with his stuffed animal in hand.  Boho Boy scooped him up and all of this brought him and I to tears.  It was one of those moments we will forever cherish.  Soon after we discovered the bag with all of my clothes somehow didn't make my flight.  I think because I already felt completely ungrounded, the thought that the bag I was living out of was missing, brought on a meltdown.  Not at all what I expected to feel when arriving on this day.  We sorted out the bag situation and it ended up getting on the next flight and would be shipped to us in a few days.  Then as we got on the freeway to head towards Bellingham, we were giddy and chatting away and 1.5 hours into our conversation we discovered we were going South instead of North!  It was then that I realized there must have been a reason why all of this was happening.  We now had a long drive of 3 more hours going back the way we came from with an extremely exhausted wee traveler in the car seat.  It was a message for us to slow down, to let go, to reconnect before we walk into our new space...because the whole thing with the bag brought me into  space of not being able to connect.  It was all perfect, really.  It gave us a chance to stop for food.  To find a gorgeous park on the way for Cedar to run and explore.  To get some delicious coffee and to pull into our town holding hands,  connected to one another and feeling in love.  Those three hours ended up being just what we needed.

Boho Boy had suggested the other day on the phone that he drop me off and take Cedar to the Toy Garden in Fairhaven.  He wanted me to connect with the home alone, without distraction, like he was able to days prior.  I didn't even know this was what I may have needed until he mentioned it.  Since he had been there already for three days and with all the stories he was telling me, there was a sense of almost feeling like this was more his home than mine.  It was so tender hearted for him to think about this.

When he pulled up to our little nook of a street by a bay, my heart swelled.  It was quainter, quieter and more of a community than I imagined.  Every home was precious and then he slowly drove passed ours and I said..."Oh, what a cute house...wait...ummm...is this ours?" All I knew were photos and videos and now that we were right there in the flesh, it all just seemed more charming.  My heart was racing and as I waved goodbye when they drove off and turned towards the home, I felt such a sense of peace.  A peace I haven't felt in so long.  The noise, the chatter, the anxiety, the everything hushed and it was just me and my footsteps and my breath and my pulse and my heartbeat on those wooden floors.  When I opened the door, it smelled of an antique shop.  Mmmm...old homes.  I walked slowly from room to room, up and down the stairs and finally outside and when I walked through the enchanting yard to the end of a large Cedar tree, it was then that I wept.  All I felt was gratefulness.  I continued to shake my head.  It was so much of all that I wanted for my family.  It felt unreal and real all at once.

more soon.

h*OM*e.

{dear sponsors...you get a free month since i have been unexpectedly absent due to lack of internet connection}

boho woodland*

our new lil' woodland

I wanted to share with you a bit of the magic that is happening to our wee little family on this transitional journey. Here is part of the woodland that surrounds the new home we will be living in. Ohmygosh. I had to ask my friend and our local real estate agent to go see it, just to make sure this was for real.  The ad for this dreamy faerie home continued to come into our path, yet because it was such an awesome deal, we thought for sure something was wrong with it. Although my heart kept going back to it and we kept saying it feels too good to be true. What happened to our belief in magic? I suppose a few disappointments with hunting for a home will drain hope out of you but then I get a giddy call from my girlfriend as she pulls up, sneaks on the land and peeks into the empty home. "It's charming, its adorable, oh my god, it leads to a forest and a beach and oh my god, its an old bungalow! It has a cherry blossom tree in the front! Oh Denise, its perfect for you guys!  You can garden here!  The soil is awesome!  Oh Denise...its so CUTE.  Its magical." And my heart is racing on the other line, and I feel like I am jumping up and down with her and I am one part afraid to get my hopes up but the other part of me, the part that has driven me my whole life BELIEVES in this sort of thing.

So after many phone calls and email exchanges with our AWESOME real estate agent and the property management company, a walk through to make sure all is alright and photos sent to us and paperwork and la la la...we get the phone call.  And so my friends, we're moving in the first week of May!

Its a sweet old home built in the early 1900's with a playhouse for Cedar in the back, a garage with a darling attic that we could transform into a bohemian lair and two outbuildings for storage (or studios or workshops) with close access to a beach, as well as a trail that leads to forest and finally, off the road from a gorgeous drive a few minutes away from a part of town that we hold close to our hearts.  Everything and more that I wrote down in a list long ago as our dream home. Its happening.  Its really happening.  We feel so blessed to be able to provide Cedar with a home that his heart calls to.  A woodland for our sweet gnome to explore and a space for his imagination to thrive and earth that mama and daddy can sink their toes and fingers into.

I am envisioning bodies that feel more sprite and healed with an energy that wants to soak it all in.  I imagine misty walks with Cedar in the morning and me sitting on the shore and photographing Boho Boy and Cedar in a teeny boat in the water near the bridge to watch the trains.  I am tearing up as I write this.  This is something we were unable to create for our family in California and it broke my heart to have to move further from my family but at the same time, I know they want this for us too and it will open up a whole new world that we can all share together.  And its all a ferry boat away from British Columbia!  I cannot wait to take them there.

I see Boho Boy fishing with my daddy and bringing salmon home for dinner.  I see my sisters Darlene and Pamela and I telling stories, sitting on chairs in our yard knitting or creating with me in my studio.  I see my marmie and I digging our fingers into soil and laughing.  I see Omi cooking in our new kitchen to the classical music she adores.  I see Jon-Erik coming back with a medicine bag full of magic after a day of collecting in the woods and sea.  I see my nieces and nephews visiting for solace and calm to find themselves again in nature in the midst of their busy lives.  I see visits from dear friends and healing in their hearts.  I see Boho Boy's father up in the cosmos smiling down at his son for following his wisdom on how to live from your heart.

I see a kitchen full of jars and bottles with tinctures, potions, lotions and oils made from our land, to keep our bodies well and to help heal the bodies of those we love.  I see baskets and bowls full of fresh vegetables and fruits from our garden.

I see a husband with color back in his cheeks, finishing his book and spending hours meditating on nature in his kayak.

Most of all...I see Cedar with his bouncy curls and bare muddy chest running, leaping, dancing, singing, strumming, drumming and painting a fae-world that sees him true in a home that allows every morsel of  his BEING to BE.

A girl can dream for her family.  Yes, she can.  I should bottle my tears right now and keep them for more dream making.

a new beginning*

oh my goodness.  We have all been crashed out sick over here.  All with the same things, same symptoms.  Sinus Infection, Acute Bronchitis, etc.  Going round and round and our home conditions not helping.  But mama finally got it BAD after taking care of my boys.  I even had to postpone a visit from one of my sisters because we are so concerned this viral thing is too catchy and that is the last thing she needs. So now I am laid up for a few days and my honey love is home with me being a sexy boy nurse and my sweet son is being VERY patient with me not being able to play too much with him.  But I did get out the paints yesterday...so we could both get some fresh air and do something gentle.  I am so warmed in the heart to see Cedar getting braver and braver with his tactile sensitivities.  He loves painting but has had some episodes where he melted down when paint touched him.  So we tried other things but he kept going for the brush.  I always follow his lead with his interests.  I have watched him work through it on his own and yesterday, he actually found some humor in it...and it was awesome to see.

We are here for one more month and then we're headed to WASHINGTON...omg.  So so so excited.  In the meantime, we have stocked up with an herbal pharmacy of immunity building goodness.  As of right now, I had to give into the Western approach and take the antibiotics (Cedar too) but once we lick this thing and move to fresh Washington air, we will put our intentions into maintaining wellness within our bodies, minds and souls.  We are so craving a change.  Our gypsy hearts are aching for a new beginning.  I've already connected with three lovely souls that live there and I am not even there yet.  This place is full of kindred spirits and an energy that pulls you in.  I have sweet visions of Boho Boy kayaking as the sun comes up and me jogging on the pier and Cedar running in a forest with his gnome spirit on high.

But for now, we are just focusing on purging our home, simplifying what we're bringing with us and just simply getting better.  As stressful as packing up a home and moving can be, I have been trying to stay present in the moment and live, breathe, think, DO simpler things.  Really focusing on my family and getting through each day.

April is our month to simplify.   Mmmmm.

Just for fun...what kind of home do you see us in?  We are taking our time with finding it.  We will be staying in a month to month place temporarily to give ourselves time to really get to know which neighborhood our family belongs in.

Tomorrow is my father's birthday.  We may be posting a silly video of sorts.  ; )

snapshots of Boho Toddler.

{an emotional goodbye with daddy at the airport}

{auntie dd & cedar hanging out on a front loader at the farm}

{playing the chase game with auntie la la in the almond orchard}

{reading with grandmarmie...she is still uber skinny but is on the way to healing and getting better! cedar is wearing his fisherman pants and a kicky pants shirt he got from grandmarmie for his birthday}

{a new game that cedar invented. we call it the "hug train"...uncle marky, auntie dd & cedar}

{the country glow that we always get while at the farm.  shirt from Splendid Littles.  scarf handmade last year by his auntie pammie and hat from canada is a gift from uncle jon-erik/boho brother}

{grandmarmie brought over a box so that he could play house. we all decided to color it. uncle marky is such an artist and drew a gorgeous tree on one side}

{cedar and me one FREEZING morning at the farm saying hello to the doggies Pandora & Zeus. lion hat and sweater from Baby Gap}

{snuggling up all warm and cozy inside with auntie la la}

{his favorite game that uncle jj taught him...throwing stones in the pond. here he is with auntie dd trying to make bubbles with each throw. cedar is wearing fisherman pants and sweater from Baby Gap}

{grandmarmie & cedar watching the doggies in the morning run like crazy around the orchard}

{mommy loves this canadian hat from uncle jon-erik that just covers his cold little ears. scarf made by auntie pammie and striped shirt from Target}

{reading on the airplane ride home...just like his daddy}

{we had a few emotional days while adjusting to travel and teething. he is a trouper. "compassion" shirt from Joy Spread the Word and custom Tree hat from Everyday Beautiful.}

{taken this morning and in better spirits. wearing his new kicky pants shirt that auntie dd got for his bday, fisherman pants and shoes from Bobux}

here is a video from today of my boys jamming together:

ps. you can still enter the yummy ecourse giveaway here until sunday night!

i am here.

{me in angela's room at the farmhouse.  yet another kissy photo}

I'm here. I promise.

I arrived home from my sister's farm the night before last. I feel like I have been living out of a suitcase for the past month. We are settling in. Unpacking slowly. Laundry. Deep breathing. Restoring with sleep. And nurturing a very emotional boy. His two year molars are coming in (ouch!). He also has had a lot of change over the last four weeks with travel to and fro. Change can be hard for Toddlers. Being at the farm was healing for him in that he is SO crazy-loved by my family and of course that just makes a mama's heart swell to bursting. I remember my sister saying to me and my marmie "Cedar coming into our lives was the start of so much change and healing". I welled up with tears. I felt blessed and in awe of the gifts he shares with my family.

I apologize for being quiet here.  I am exhausted and in need of restoration. There is so much whirling around in both me and my husband's hearts and minds. So much transformation ahead of us with preparing for our move and starting a whole new life. I wonder how I can fit it all in over the next 6 months. We have so much to declutter. I would love to arrive in Washington with a simpler idea of what will fill our home.

I was chatting with another blog friend yesterday. She is so beautiful and creative and earthy and crafty and an awesome mama to her children. I was teary while texting "how do you do it all?" and she replied "i don't.  i feel messy.  i am right where you are". Then we continued for an hour spilling our stories. This is what happens when we reach out. We begin to not feel alone. I wondered if I was somehow not doing enough or being enough. I have ONE toddler boy and yet my energy towards other loves/passions in my life is barely there. I give him so much because he needs it and I give it willingly but what is left of me at the end of the day is not a whole lot. I am told that this age is a lot...a lot to breathe through.  An age where children discover their separateness from you and are full of emotions and energies that need to be explored and released.  Another dear friend of mine wrote that she drove around in her car for two hours in her pajamas just to center herself away from her children. I told her it made me fall more in love with her. We need to do this, mamas. We need to let it out and have no shame in the hard parts. For me, adding humor to them is what helps me cope. I wonder what helps you cope?

When I put Cedar down for a nap today, I went out and laid on our livingroom floor pretending I was him. I threw myself back in a tantrum, kicking and throwing my limbs about, saying "Nooooooo!"...just to see what it felt like in his body. It felt AWESOME. Now I get it. ; )

I will share more images from my visit to the farm soon. Oh, and come back Wednesday. I will have a YUMMY giveaway for you all!

{cedar in my sister's almond orchard}

family and patterns and healing*

I asked for some alone time today. I have been in deep need of solitude to sort out my thoughts. So, I sit here at a local coffee shop and I am slowly breathing in the aroma of my chai latte sitting near my MacBook.

I am such a sharer. For years in this space I have spilled the big stuff going on in my heart. I have come to this place to let it out, for processing, for healing, for moving through the myriad of emotions that come with it all. I have also come here to find my voice and with hopes that by me sharing my story, others will not feel alone and gather up courage and bravery to find their own. That is why it has been so hard that I have been unable to spill about some pretty huge emotions and shifts going on in my immediate family right now. Pieces of it are so private, so sacred and some of the people involved are not as open to share their life as I have done so openly. So, I respect their feelings, their choices and their needs and because of this, I am unable to share here.

I sit here at this table in a public space wiping my tears, trying to breathe them back, to look out the window and focus on something, anything else so I don't draw any attention.

The holidays whirled by at the beach house and then settling back into home and then packing again for another week away. When life is busy like this, I keep above water and don't have a moment to sink into mySELF and all that is going on within. Until now. Until solitude. Until gazing out of the window at passersby. It comes rushing in.

I have such a wide open heart and I feel so much. Not only my emotions but the emotions of those I love. It can feel overwhelming and the natural part of me...the "who" I have been in this family since I was born into it, is the peacemaker. I could make other's pain or hurtful words go away with smiles and being funny or charming or warm and loving. Many times just brushing the hard and icky parts under the rug, just to keep the peace. Setting boundaries with people I love goes so against my grain but I have learned how to do this slowly, in my life. My husband has been a huge part of recognizing my need to step back and protect my space and my heart so that my openness and kindness are not taken advantage of. Being a mother has naturally exercised those muscles of creating a healthy environment in my life, for my husband and son.

Roles and relationships are shifting within my family. It is new territory but so needed...for all of us. We crave change and yet are so afraid of it. It will take time. Gentle, patient time but in the meantime, I struggle most with feeling so misunderstood by some. I am sure each of us struggle with this, in our own way. I am holding onto hope that we are all on our way to feeling a little more understood, so the healing can begin.

Its big stuff and some days I walk softly with it; open arms, just trusting. Some days I feel consumed with the fear of old patterns, habitual reactions and past wounds. Some days I feel raw to the bone and tender to the core. Some days I feel firm footed and brave....wild woman...boundless...ready. Today I feel ALL of it.

I love my whole family so much. Every single one of them. We are a blessed bunch to have one another. The reasons why we were put on this earth together is for stuff like this: Growing pains and spreading our wings and the support to take flight. And this is why all of this feels so big to me.

I will be at my sister's farm for a week. I may or may not be able to post from there. Perhaps just some images, perhaps not. But I know I will feel wrapped up having shared the stuff going on with me that has kept me more silent here than usual.

When I look at this photo above, I am brought back to a simpler place where the three of our souls dance together. Where shifting old family patterns can start at the beginning, here in our wee home. Where I can gently guide Cedar with the wisdom I will gather through this experience to always be gently honest with us, to know and speak his truth and to be true to his heart.

Thank you for holding this space lightly for me and for respecting that this is all I can share.

Healing is my word for 2011.

Gratitude Garland*

Inspired by the beautiful Amanda, the five of us sat around the table on Christmas Eve and created our own Gratitude Garland. Each of us had gathered beauty from the earth to paint, draw and write on. We wrote what we feel grateful for. Boho Brother stayed up the latest layering found objects with his unique arty style. The next morning I woke up to Boho Brother and Omi hanging it on the porch of the beach house.

Mmmmm...so magical.  I think I will take it home and hang it in our house to remind me how much being grateful for even the smallest of things, can shift your heart.

So many more images to share but here is one of our most cherished that we continue to gaze at with hearts swollen with love.

{People always ask me what Cedar is wearing, so I think I will start doing that at the end of my posts. ; ) Hat is from Baby Gap. Handmade crocheted scarf made by Cedar's Auntie Pammie, branch shirt by Kicky Pants}

peace, love and togetherness*

Sending each of you peace, love and comfy togetherness during the holidays.

Giving all my soul sisters a bum squeeze.

And wrapping my family up: marmie & daddy, my sisters (darlene & pamela), my nieces and nephews (marky, angela, kelly, casey, sean), my bro in-laws (jay & kenny) in SO so so much unconditional love.

xoxox

a beachy, arty day…

Cedar is loving his time with Uncle Jon-Erik (aka Boho Brother). He wakes in the morning and runs around looking for him in all the corners of the house...but you can usually find him out on long walks come rain or shine. I love love love this image of Cedar running up towards his uncle's open arms. We had been playing in puddles for a while and when his uncle surprised him up on the hill, Cedar went running. *sigh*

The brothers walked up to a sandy hill and were walking through the seagulls as they took flight. You can see the two of them in the background while Cedar explores new textures in the sand.

After washing off the sand at the beach shower, we put him in the warm shower at home...back into his comfy feetie pajamas and Boho Brother brought out his art box and paper to explore some art.

Mmmmmm...its been just me and the boys.

Until tonight...when Omi arrives (hopefully safely as a thunderstorm is coming in!).

Oh, and here is my weekly kissy photo except this time with five canker sores. Yes...you heard me...FIVE...all on the rim of my bottom lip. Have no idea what caused them but we are giving them tender loving care. Well, not the kissing kind because Boho Boy kissed me last night and his whiskers made them bleed. Ouch!

scenes from last night*

Last night was magical.  We played in a wee Christmas Village.  Cedar was blissed.

Christmas this year will feel different for my side of the family...for many reasons. One of them being that we are staying home this year. Boho Boy's mother and Boho Brother are joining us and we are venturing to a beach house not far from here. We'll be just like that song Tennessee Christmas that Amy Grant sings on her Christmas Album about going to Southern California and coming home with a tan for the holidays. ; ) Well, not really as the forecast is rain...but at least a few steps away from our front door there will be ocean, sand and palm trees.

I have lots planned for the five of us and the 8 days we are gone. I packed a craft bag tonight and I imagine some creative goodies laid out on the table with music and a fire burning in the fireplace, hot cider, paint, pens, paper, cardboard and string. This will be after we spend the day finding treasures to add to our project. I am hoping we have internet, so I can post the photos but if not, you will see them when we return.

I will miss my family achingly so. There has been some heavy emotional terrain each of us have walked through individually and as a family, so the tenderness in all of that leaves me feeling melancholy. I think it is one of the reasons Boho Boy wanted to get away and do something new and fresh. To lighten things up and to create new memories with his family. I look forward to being surrounded by new energies and stories and bonding through it all.

I hope to post again but if the internet is not working there, then I guess that is one more reason to be present, right? I am sending each of you warm hugs, silent holy nights, swirly white lights and a peace within.

xoxox

what we've been up to...

The other day we had a bit of a rough day at the park. Cedar was being teased by some boys for feeding a rocking Sea Horse his water from a sippy cup and a bite of his snack. Then again he was mocked for being animated. My heart broke as his body melted into me in tears when he figured out what they were doing. I worried if moments like this would crush his sweet spirit. Cedar and I had a heart to heart about it. I looked him in the eyes and told him that I understand him and that he is so loved just as he is.  Again, I wondered if at two years old, he really grasped the message I was sending to him. Then we were about to leave and the boys that were teasing him were standing up at a bench, eating dried cranberries in a bowl. Cedar went up to see what they were doing and he laid his head on the shoulder of the boy that purposely laughed in his face a half our prior. I choked back tears. He lays his head on his stuffed animals and people when we say "give it/them love". He was giving this boy love. I know many would say to me right now "but he's two years old...you're thinking too deep. he was just being cute." But in my heart I feel that Cedar must know somewhere down deep that when people intentionally hurt others, it is because they are hurting inside...and that boy needed love.

Here is a glimpse of our days together which have opened up to a bigger world now that I have been on the internet less. I am soaking this time in as I know life will become fuller soon.

{most are taken with my palm-pre phone!}

{you can still enter the e-course giveaway here...until sunday at 9pm PST}

prayers for marmie*

marmie & me... a few months ago

Dear prayer warriors, change makers, healing spirits and positive affirmational souls ~

I am calling on all of you to lift my marmie up in your thoughts and prayers.  She's been ill for a while now and her immune system is breaking down and on top of that, got salmonella poisoning last week and dropped an alarming amount of weight.  With all of her winter clothes and shoes on, she weighed a bit over one hundred pounds, which tells us that she is below 100.  It really hit me when we skyped yesterday and I asked her to "show me your bod" (so me) and when she lifted up her shirt I hid my gasp.  Bones.  Too many bones and at her gorgeous age, she needs to be protected and warmed by muscle and at least some fat.  I tried to be positive, as you know...that is my role in the family and told her she looked beautiful and "better than I thought" but truly, it was difficult to see.  Especially because I cannot be there to bring her my healing soup and help her around the house with her very spirited puppy-dups and my dear sweet father that needs special loving care for his diabetes and back issues.

I plan on fattening her up over the holidays and I know she's counting on it too.  ; )  Another role of mine in the family!  We are wrapping her up in love and hope and prayers and I wanted to invite you to do the same, if you are moved and inspired to.

If any of you have any ideas on healthy ways to put weight on when your tummy is extremely sensitive, that would be wonderful.  She reads this blog and is very invested  in and charmed by all of you who come to this space.  She's protective of me and celebrates the gentleness and kindness that gathers here.

I told her she first needs to get better before worrying about eating foods that will pack weight on but perhaps there are ways to do both at the same time.

Thank you, lovelies...teary gratitude.

ps. do you love my new word "affirmational?" yah...me too.  ; )  and isn't my marmie just beautiful?  love her so.

back to our roots*

me and my boho boys on the trolley yesterday

I am slowly surfacing, peeking my head into the online world after much needed cocooning with my wee family.  Boho Boy had a few days off of work which meant four full days of Cedar and me soaking him in.  During the four days, he chose not to touch a computer and work...which is HUGE for him.  I don't remember the last time he did this.  Perhaps last Christmas.  As a result of his hard work to help our move go more smoothly, his body has let him know in a big way that he needs to slow down.  He's been dealing with sinus and kidney issues and the information nerds that we are, have been on a quest to help heal his bod.

Part of the healing process is family time and quieting the mind.   It was so wonderful to see him reading again.  Curled up in the rocking chair and hungry for the pages.  "I want Cedar to see me reading", he said.  This is who he was when I met him.  I walked into his home for the first time years ago and there were books everywhere stacked by the sofa and chairs and on top of tables and near his bed and pouring out of the gigantic book shelf that took over one wall (we still have this).  I see us someday having our own sweet library in our home with huge cushy chairs and stacks of books and perhaps yummy arched book shelves built into the wall.   Ohhh...with a fireplace too.  One can dream.

He even did something he hasn't done in a long time.  He woke up earlier than me and went out to get our yerba mate ready.  When Cedar woke up, he tipped toed into our room and grabbed him so I could sleep.  Then about an hour later, he came in with a steaming mug of mate and told me to enjoy it alone in bed.  Since Cedar has been born, those quiet moments of my first morning cup are mostly non-existent.  When he left the bedroom and I was resting up against my plethora of pillows, I took a deep breath in and felt so grateful that he knows the little things I need and have been missing in my life...without me having to say anything.

We have recognized that our days have felt rough around here.  Years ago when we met for the first time, we connected over parts of our personalities that we feel not a lot of people understood or nurtured in their own life.  Neither one of us took the road expected.  Money was never a priority for us but living life by the heart was.  We were not workaholics.  Connecting, talking for hours all snuggled up was always enough for us.  Reading, dreaming, being outdoors.  Neither one of us are super energetic go-getters that spin from morning until night.  We're pretty laid back and very simple.  The last few years of spinning have felt unfamiliar to our bones.  Especially to his.  We honor all of it.  We honor why it needed to change.  We honor what it has taught us and where it has brought us and now we know we need to go back to our roots.  We are ready for a slower life.  A simpler existence.  Just recognizing that alone has brought us so much peace.

And Cedar.  Oh how many times we looked at one another the past four days with teary eyes expressing how blessed we are to have him as a son.  He truly is an amazing little dude.  The past few months have been full of so many emotions for him and of course for me because we are always together and so very connected.  Ever since birth, he has been very hyper aware of his environment.  The doctors noticed it in the hospital and people tell us this whenever they are with him.  So because of this, if you want to really engage with him, it is constant.  Being with him is both healing and challenging.  I've been really trying to honor my intuition in guiding him and comforted by a few friends of mine that have read books and taken courses on gentle parenting.  Every child is so, so different and I think this is why we as parents have to embrace the concept that not one thing works for every child.  So I try to balance my studying of techniques and guidance with listening to my own voice and most importantly, listening to Cedar's.  For someone like me, who is sensitive to all emotions in a room, it can feel exhausting.  But truly, its a good exhaustion.  I am madly in love with this exhaustion because I am madly in love with being a partner to Cedar on his journey.

Yesterday evening we were at a park.  It was 5:30pm and completely dark already.  The park was lit up by the moon and stars.  We were alone there...me, Cedar and Boho Boy.  Cedar was in the swing and I said..."soak it all in Cedar!" and immediately he threw his body back, taking in a deep breath while closing his eyes and when he opened them said "he-yoh  mooooo!" towards the moon.  I wasn't sure if he would even understand what I meant by "soak it in".  Of course he did.  And then I too lingered at the moon and the stars a bit longer.  Cedar too is guiding us back to our roots.

my favorite part of today*

Today we went to our favorite coffee house with our extra yummy hour.

Cedar decided that he wanted to eat his bran muffin like a big boy. No more mommy and daddy putting tiny pieces in his mouth. That was SO yesterday.

He spied a little plastic cup of something white and creamy across the table. He reached for it, not taking no for an answer as we tried to explain to him it is not what he thinks it is. He insisted. So, we shrugged our shoulders and in front of him it went.

"Hmmm..." Cedar ponders. Its not sweet. Its kinda sour...

"I think I REALLY love this stuff". Although, it went more on his face than in his mouth.

Mommy and daddy looked like they were about to hurl from watching him lick up the sour cream and both said "yucky!!!"...which is his all time FAVORITE word and almost always produces this result...of EXTREME joy.

Another thing Cedar loves to do that daddy made up is smoosh foreheads together while we say the word "CYCLOPS!" because the other persons two eyes become one. Cedar wanted to do this with daddy.

And this is what happened (below). So I giggled and Boho Boy said with a straight face "Honey, try to take me seriously right now" and I snapped this photo:

Then Cedar wanted to play Cyclops with mommy.

And this was the result. So, I decided to share the love with you:

A few seconds after this photo of me was taken, a man holding onto a baby stood near our table looking around at the crowded restaurant. I kindly said "Sir, if you'd like to take our awesome table, we are finishing up here" and he suddenly looked scared and rushed off saying "no thanks!". I looked over at Boho Boy with puppy dog eyes saying "He was acting a bit odd" and he then said "Honey, you have sour cream all over your nose. He probably thought you were crazy."

Ohhhh...I had forgotten about the sour cream. But wouldn't you SO want the table with the sour cream smeared family? Good juju, right?

Have a wonderful Sunday and do something daring with your yummy extra hour.

xoxox

grandmarmie's jewel.

cedar's grandmarmie, canon 50d

It warms my heart so...that my marmie has her very own Cedar necklace, made with sincere love by my friend Stacy of Bella Wish.  He really has come into this family with a sweet, healing spirit...at just the right time.

I write this as I hear him lightly pounding his starlight turtle in his crib before he falls asleep for his nap.  I could tell he needed alone time.  I am learning to pick up on his cues.  Sometimes we forget that wee ones need their space and solace too.  And how he does his soul work is to drum.  My friend Jess and I were talking about Cedar's drumming and how the rhythms sound so tribal, coming from deep within his gut.  Many times he repeats the same rhythm while he sings something along the lines of "hooya, eye-ya, mee-ya, la la, hooya oy-ya, ma-la ma ma".  He does this with his eyes closed and his head moving side to side...and I just envision Cedar in another life before this, dancing around a fire with his people, holding onto a drum and lifting his face to the full moon, surrendering.

Cedar and I are so deeply connected to the moon.  We feel her fullness deeply right now.  The last few days have been all about surrender.  This Bella Wish pendant and jewel hanging on my marmie's neck reminds me of the harvest moon.  Grandmarmie carries Cedar's spirit close.